Doclector said:
Once again, most of my friends have disappeared from xbox live, and two of them seem to be outright avoiding me for no damn reason. I'm already starting to feel lonely, and I hate it, and I hate myself for feeling it. I cannot afford to rely on human beings, they are all inherently untrustworthy, they can be best friends with you for years and then stab you in the back, it matters not to most of them. I can't afford to feel lonely. Loneliness is weakness, as is depression. I can't allow it to distract from my goals.
Loneliness and depression
are not weak. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can work towards staying away from it. Staying away from it doesn't imply that it's somehow wrong or weak though, it implies that they can be difficult for a person to get through, and can really bring them down.
Nor can I go else where for social interaction. There is nowhere for said activities which don't involve litres of alcohol and music made by machines. Besides, even if I was to find somewhere, even if I wasn't killed for not being like them, they'd only betray me on the end. I must be self sufficient.
Don't go to the clubs, from what you've mentioned in the OP and in your following posts, it's not something you enjoy. I completely understand that, as I feel the same way. Considering you don't enjoy them to begin with, it's unlikely you'd meet other people who'd share the same interests as you. It's far more likely you're going to meet people who are more interested in drinking to get drunk and partying every weekend. If that's not something you enjoy, don't go to clubs or bars. If that's the only thing you can do outside of gaming online, at least when it comes to interacting with others, don't settle.
Now, more importantly, I want to stress how your negative attitude towards everyone isn't going to help you, at all. The more you tell yourself that people will only betray you, the less likely you'll ever allow yourself to make any friends. This negative attitude will only breed negativity. The more negative you are, the more you'll push people away from you and feel lonely. The more lonely you feel the more you'll convince yourself that you were right all along, when that simply isn't the case. I'm not saying that people will never betray one another, or make mistakes, but it simply isn't so black and white.
Does anyone know how I could ignore loneliness? Or even somehow remove it altogether? Whenever I feel it, I either want to destroy myself, or everything around me. I can't afford such distractions.
You shouldn't ignore feelings of loneliness. Those feelings are telling you that you're lacking in the social interactions area. You're struggling because you're missing that aspect in your life. The more you ignore it, the more damage you will do to yourself. What you should focus on is why you're feeling lonely. I'm sure you know that's because you don't have any quality friends in real life, so what can you do to fix that? At this point I'd say it's safe to bet that the reason you haven't met anyone similar enough to be a friend in person is from a few things that possibly even overlap. You don't have to go to clubs or bars in order to interact with others. You can do that by simply getting out. The more you interact with strangers around you, the more likely it is that you'll meet someone you actually get along with. It's as simple as going out to the mall, checking out a games store, and being friendly. Go for a walk, through a park, and who knows. The point is to at least try. And while giving this a try, avoid telling yourself that it won't work, or that someone is out to get you. The more you focus on that negativity, the more negative you're going to come across. That much negativity will surely push people away, well before they even have the opportunity to get to know you.
I know I have an attitude problem, but I have no clue how to solve it.
First, you need to start recognizing when you're dwelling or focusing on any negative aspects in your life. Force yourself to focus on what you want, rather than what you don't have. Focus on what you enjoy, rather than what annoys you. I can't stress how important it is to avoid focusing on the negatives. The more you do so, the more you'll convince yourself that these thoughts are true. The more you dwell, the more you'll bring yourself down.
So, get yourself into a productive daily routine. Start doing things you enjoy, and continue doing other things you enjoy. Keep playing on XBL, and the more you do, the more likely it is you'll meet others you get along with. Having people you get along with to talk to, even if only online, will really help. From there, be sure that you're getting some form of exercise on a weekly basis. Ensure that you're eating enough, and sleeping at appropriate times. Get some sun, it really does help. Accept that change is never instantaneous, and that it will take lots of time and dedication. If you try all this, and still find yourself completely struggling and possibly even worse off than when you started, I'd suggest talking to a professional. There's absolutely no con to talking to someone. At the very least you'll have peace of mind, knowing that there's nothing serious that needs to be addressed. If not that, whomever you talk to may be able to recognize behavioural patterns that indicate one thing or another, and from there will be able to suggest a routine and/or a course of action to help get you into a better frame of mind. It all takes time, but isn't it worth it?
