long-distance love

[Bertylicious]

I remember meeting with a group of people I got on well with online. We all got drunk, hogtied one of the guys coming to the meet naked in the woods and then left him there for like six hours. We came back at dawn and took high definition artistic photographs of him to post on the community forum. He was quite a good sport about it but it goes to show that you never really know someone based exclusively on the shit they write. We fucking told him we were going to do it to anyone who got drunk enough but he misinterpreted the overall mood.

A relationship can be perpetuated through prosthetics but unless you have grown up without exposure to facial expressions, skin contact, pheromones and the like then you cannot establish a relationship without them. You could kiss them and suddenly get that "I'm kissing my brother" sensation. That's chemicals not magical soulmate mumbo jumbo. When you establish a relationship you need your wits about you. You need to have a full suite of sensations available and you need to have instand feedback for your decisions.

It is incredibly difficult to establish this required sense of presence on the internet, and even if you do there is no guarantee that you are experiencing the same things as the other person.

I respectfully disagree. Is it not possible to read a book and feel affinity for the characters even though you've never laid eyes on them? Even though they aren't even real?

Also what is all this about "instant feedback"? You make relationships sound like clinical excercises. They're always messy, organic things. They have extremeties. It doesn't matter whether you meet by grabbing each other's arses on a dance floor or whether you've seduced her by composing "Mass Effect: Answers!?" on some forum somewhere; at some point there will be butterflies in stomaches.

 

[Bertylicious]

Indeed, one could argue that one only ever interacts with one's own, internal, conceptions of other people and that the real individuals are all entirely secondary to our own perceptions of that person.

 

[BlindTom]

I remember meeting with a group of people I got on well with online. We all got drunk, hogtied one of the guys coming to the meet naked in the woods and then left him there for like six hours. We came back at dawn and took high definition artistic photographs of him to post on the community forum. He was quite a good sport about it but it goes to show that you never really know someone based exclusively on the shit they write. We fucking told him we were going to do it to anyone who got drunk enough but he misinterpreted the overall mood.

A relationship can be perpetuated through prosthetics but unless you have grown up without exposure to facial expressions, skin contact, pheromones and the like then you cannot establish a relationship without them. You could kiss them and suddenly get that "I'm kissing my brother" sensation. That's chemicals not magical soulmate mumbo jumbo. When you establish a relationship you need your wits about you. You need to have a full suite of sensations available and you need to have instand feedback for your decisions.

It is incredibly difficult to establish this required sense of presence on the internet, and even if you do there is no guarantee that you are experiencing the same things as the other person.

I respectfully disagree. Is it not possible to read a book and feel affinity for the characters even though you've never laid eyes on them? Even though they aren't even real?

Also what is all this about "instant feedback"? You make relationships sound like clinical excercises. They're always messy, organic things. They have extremeties. It doesn't matter whether you meet by grabbing each other's arses on a dance floor or whether you've seduced her by composing "Mass Effect: Answers!?" on some forum somewhere; at some point there will be butterflies in stomaches.

What I meant by instant feedback was more along the lines of seeing someone react in realtime to my own actions. If this doesn't happen I don't feel like I'm in the room with them, if I don't know how comfortable I feel in the room with someone then I would consider that not knowing them enough to engage in a relationship.

The book thing is an interesting point but personally I have never felt romantic love for a character in a book because they're not "real" to me. I have felt empathy and investment in their feelings, I have felt that they are a real believable person but also that much of what makes them real has come from me rather than them. The words in the book convey a fictional construct which, whilst in many ways similar to the one the author had in mind, is not identical. People are going to put words and feelings in each other's mouth and on each other's face during online communication much moreso than in real life, and I can tell you from personal experience that putting the wrong thing in somebody's mouth or on somebody's face does not a healthy relationship make.

 

[Bertylicious]

I remember meeting with a group of people I got on well with online. We all got drunk, hogtied one of the guys coming to the meet naked in the woods and then left him there for like six hours. We came back at dawn and took high definition artistic photographs of him to post on the community forum. He was quite a good sport about it but it goes to show that you never really know someone based exclusively on the shit they write. We fucking told him we were going to do it to anyone who got drunk enough but he misinterpreted the overall mood.

A relationship can be perpetuated through prosthetics but unless you have grown up without exposure to facial expressions, skin contact, pheromones and the like then you cannot establish a relationship without them. You could kiss them and suddenly get that "I'm kissing my brother" sensation. That's chemicals not magical soulmate mumbo jumbo. When you establish a relationship you need your wits about you. You need to have a full suite of sensations available and you need to have instand feedback for your decisions.

It is incredibly difficult to establish this required sense of presence on the internet, and even if you do there is no guarantee that you are experiencing the same things as the other person.

I respectfully disagree. Is it not possible to read a book and feel affinity for the characters even though you've never laid eyes on them? Even though they aren't even real?

Also what is all this about "instant feedback"? You make relationships sound like clinical excercises. They're always messy, organic things. They have extremeties. It doesn't matter whether you meet by grabbing each other's arses on a dance floor or whether you've seduced her by composing "Mass Effect: Answers!?" on some forum somewhere; at some point there will be butterflies in stomaches.

What I meant by instant feedback was more along the lines of seeing someone react in realtime to my own actions. If this doesn't happen I don't feel like I'm in the room with them, if I don't know how comfortable I feel in the room with someone then I would consider that not knowing them enough to engage in a relationship.

The book thing is an interesting point but personally I have never felt romantic love for a character in a book because they're not "real" to me. I have felt empathy and investment in their feelings, I have felt that they are a real believable person but also that much of what makes them real has come from me rather than them. The words in the book convey a fictional construct which, whilst in many ways similar to the one the author had in mind, is not identical. People are going to put words and feelings in each other's mouth and on each other's face during online communication much moreso than in real life, and I can tell you from personal experience that putting the wrong thing in somebody's mouth or on somebody's face does not a healthy relationship make.

I like the cut of jib BT, can I call you BT?

Anyroad, I naturally accept the point that non face-to-face interaction lacks that tactile element that provides such a thrill when you divulge your desire to a lady and see her recoil in horror. Perhaps then part of the attraction of the long distance relationship is insulation from this sensory overload.

Now it could be said that this isn't a "real" relationship and that any relationship built on such a premise will collapse like a wet cake but if 2 people share the same social inadequacy then maybe they will share a connection on a more visceral level than they might have been able to enjoy in a more "authentic" setting.

 

[BlindTom]

I remember meeting with a group of people I got on well with online. We all got drunk, hogtied one of the guys coming to the meet naked in the woods and then left him there for like six hours. We came back at dawn and took high definition artistic photographs of him to post on the community forum. He was quite a good sport about it but it goes to show that you never really know someone based exclusively on the shit they write. We fucking told him we were going to do it to anyone who got drunk enough but he misinterpreted the overall mood.

A relationship can be perpetuated through prosthetics but unless you have grown up without exposure to facial expressions, skin contact, pheromones and the like then you cannot establish a relationship without them. You could kiss them and suddenly get that "I'm kissing my brother" sensation. That's chemicals not magical soulmate mumbo jumbo. When you establish a relationship you need your wits about you. You need to have a full suite of sensations available and you need to have instand feedback for your decisions.

It is incredibly difficult to establish this required sense of presence on the internet, and even if you do there is no guarantee that you are experiencing the same things as the other person.

I respectfully disagree. Is it not possible to read a book and feel affinity for the characters even though you've never laid eyes on them? Even though they aren't even real?

Also what is all this about "instant feedback"? You make relationships sound like clinical excercises. They're always messy, organic things. They have extremeties. It doesn't matter whether you meet by grabbing each other's arses on a dance floor or whether you've seduced her by composing "Mass Effect: Answers!?" on some forum somewhere; at some point there will be butterflies in stomaches.

What I meant by instant feedback was more along the lines of seeing someone react in realtime to my own actions. If this doesn't happen I don't feel like I'm in the room with them, if I don't know how comfortable I feel in the room with someone then I would consider that not knowing them enough to engage in a relationship.

The book thing is an interesting point but personally I have never felt romantic love for a character in a book because they're not "real" to me. I have felt empathy and investment in their feelings, I have felt that they are a real believable person but also that much of what makes them real has come from me rather than them. The words in the book convey a fictional construct which, whilst in many ways similar to the one the author had in mind, is not identical. People are going to put words and feelings in each other's mouth and on each other's face during online communication much moreso than in real life, and I can tell you from personal experience that putting the wrong thing in somebody's mouth or on somebody's face does not a healthy relationship make.

I like the cut of jib BT, can I call you BT?

Anyroad, I naturally accept the point that non face-to-face interaction lacks that tactile element that provides such a thrill when you divulge your desire to a lady and see her recoil in horror. Perhaps then part of the attraction of the long distance relationship is insulation from this sensory overload.

Now it could be said that this isn't a "real" relationship and that any relationship built on such a premise will collapse like a wet cake but if 2 people share the same social inadequacy then maybe they will share a connection on a more visceral level than they might have been able to enjoy in a more "authentic" setting.

Yeah I'd never rule it out entirely. I just find it... Inadvisable. Friendships certainly can bloom online, and you never know- despite the internet's current obsession with the "friendzone"- whether such a thing might grow into something more. I just think that extra step requires the couple to establish a physical environment where they feel as comfortable as they do online. No matter how much they enjoy the current online setting there is information that can't survive the passage through the computer.

 

[Something Amyss]

Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see.

This is only as true as it is with any relationship.

It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

What else is covered by "anything to go by?"

Another country: Maybe.
No mutual acquaintances: Well, this can happen in your own town or even your own neighbourhood. I dated a girl for eight years with zero common friends.

You can't go out with them on dates.

Not everyone wants to go out on dates.

Basically, this reads as "people who have different values and priorities are wrong, partially for things that are true of my values and priorities, too."

I know you apologize if it sounds offensive, but the problem is, you're still basing this solely on the way you want to do things and will cut corners to demonstrate it is right. It's a tragedy that not everyone wants to do things your way, really, but that's how life works.

 

[Wintermoot]

two of my friends do this we all live in Holland but they both have girlfriends in the United States. And with one of them its really strong.

 

[deathzero021]

i used to be the same way. me and my gf met on an online game. we 'went out online' for about a year before i visited her. she lived in Florida, I in Pennsylvania. however when i did visit her for the first time during summer vacation, i didn't want to leave. so i didn't. i moved in with her and have been in Florida since than =3

it worked out well for me. i just transferred to the University here and all was good. also got a job i've kept for a year now.

 

[FamoFunk]

Not for me, I like to physically see the person I'm with on a regular basis, not just every few months/years. I have a partner I live with; but it was never long-distance.

But each to their own, I really don't care if other people do it; unless it comes to a point the person they've never met yet has unintentionally managed to strain friendships and such.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

I tried it once and I'm never going to do it again. Nothing but pain. Horrible horrible pain. Falling in love with someone you can't touch is psychological torture and I'm still recovering. I wish I had taken my own advice, but I've always said that geography is the number one factor of whether a relationship is going to work or not.

 

[artanis_neravar]

I don't get this at all.

I've seen another user do this too, how can you have a relationship with someone you have never met?

trust. patience. love. as cliche as it is, you get to know the person first, not their skin, and learn what THEY are like.

Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see. It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

I mean what's a relationship without the physical side? I have an incredibly close friend, like a brother practically, probably closer to him and than any girlfriend I've had. Think Turk and JD, only thing that separates us from a relationship is we don't fuck each others brains out.

Also part of the fun of a relationship is about experiencing life together. Long distance all you have is telling each other about your lives. You can't go out with them on dates. Sorry if this comes across as offensive, I just get annoyed when people try to act like wanting a physical aspect to a relationship somehow lessens it.

nobody is acting like that at all. I want the physical aspect, but it's not an option right now. And maybe over the short term someone can lie, but not over the long term. long-distance relationships require patience and honesty, and isn't that what every relationship is built on?

While I see what everyone else is saying, it is easy to lie when the other person can't see how you are physically reacting. That being said, don't listen to them, if you are invested in this relationship, then good for you, you survived the distance, and then you had a good first meeting. Keep at it.

For your question I was in a long distance relationship, about 6 hours apart. We started the long distance more than a year into our relationship (I graduated college and couldn't find a job so I had to move back home, and she was at her home for the summer) She ended up dumping me because there wasn't enough romance in our long distance relationship (I didn't send her flowers, gifts, or show up at her house romantically unannounced were her complaints) and that I couldn't spoil her the way she deserves. So long-distance didn't work out for me. but that doesn't mean it won't work out for you.