Lots of people marrying for the wrong reasons/not ready

[Phasmal]

I think you presume your case to be the norm though, when it isn't. I'm betting if you polled all the children of divorcees who were at least somewhat young when it happened, most would tell you it wasn't a "relief" that their parents separated.

And, the numbers speak for themselves. I think most don't try hard enough to fix the marriage or the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. Then again, maybe if you shouldn't have married to start with, no amount of work would fix it. But I think people should try harder on all fronts.

I don't presume it to be the norm, but I know many people act like cases like mine don't exist at all.
If I gave you the impression I was older when my parents split, I wasn't. I was eight, crap no I think I was seven.
I just think couples who stay together for the kids are doing the worst thing possible. If your parents are unhappy, you will be unhappy.
And even if you are right and people don't try to fix it- what if they don't want to fix it? I think that if people want to split up, there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

I think people give up too easy. My Wife and I got married. We met on myspace, we fell in love. Our personalities clicked. She the hot geek girl. I the hot geek boy. We originally wanted to wait a while so our "baggage" would show and we could proceed from there, but I was planning on joining the military and they wouldn't give her my salary unless we were married. So we did.

Well I scored high enough on the ASVAB to get any job I wanted. I was going to be a Staff Sergent CBRN Officer. So naturally I thought "Shit, I'm in." well no. My eyes are too bad to join the military. Even though my recruiter said I would be fine. So we ended up married... technically for the wrong reason.

We have fought, we have screamed, we have said hateful things to each other. Honestly, had we not been married we would of broken up by now. Still, today we are loving happy great couple. It came from patience, hard work, and learning not only to live with your partners best qualities, but live with their worse.

Perhaps some people are forgetting relationships aren't like the movies. There is no happily ever after. There will be fights, there will be broken hearts, but your relationship is defined by what you do during those bad times, not just the good ones.

 

[Breywood]

Marriage is about relationships. Being mature and respectful to each other even if you disagree. It's also best when the two people in question aren't trying to impress one another, because they'll usually hide their relationship-breaking flaws (like their spending habits, views on children, religious values and political views if they happen to be really important), but it's also about accepting each other for who they are and being willing to make things work for each other. It goes both ways, and when one side of the relationship has to do all the changing and all the work, I can see why divorce papers get drawn up in a big hurry. In which case, the two of them should have just given each other a big hug and said "goodbye" before deciding to get married in the first place

Sex is just one aspect of the cake called a relationship that I like to call the icing. And if all you have is icing, it gets disgusting really quick, but I do notice a lot of relationships start with how someone looks, and less with how someone is.

EDIT: Added "children" to that list because it's a huge batch of work that can really litmus test a relationship

 

[bushwhacker2k]

I personally feel that marriage is kind of an antiquated practice that people are maneuvered into believing is absolutely vital to their lives through tradition.

That isn't to say that it serves no purpose, but, like some other values I barely comprehend, it seems to be one of those things that society demands that YOU MUST DO to the point that people grow up completely expecting to do so ASAP and to not do so will cause you to grow up lonely and miserable.

I'm not really going to go into why marriages fail, I'm sure there are many reasons for that, but I just felt like emphasizing that it's perhaps less necessary for absolutely everyone than is implied.

 

[Donnie Restad]

But seriously- Why is the rate of divorce so high? I really don't know a particular reason except to say people were obviously not ready, got married, and didn't know the person nearly as well as they thought they did. Or even if they did, they were not ready for the challenges that awaited them.

I don't really see that as a high divorce rate, to be honest. I think of it like this: There are only so many people out there that are really marriage material, and there are a whole slew of people who really aren't. It only really takes 1 person to not totally be ready for marriage, so the statistic of a 50% divorce rate really only means that a little over a quarter of the marrying population isn't ready for it, and that's pretty good.

Marriage is deciding once and for all who would be the very best to spend the rest of your life with. That's not an easy decision to make. So, another way to see a 50% divorce rate is that, on average, the second marriage is the one that sticks. The fact that the average person gets it right on the second try, and not, say, the fourth or fifth, is pretty optimistic to me.

Captcha: Learn from mistakes. Seems appropriate.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

Like many things, the answer is money. People spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding, take off a big chunk of work to go on an expensive honeymoon, and buy a shiny rock that will take many months to pay off. All of this occurs right before incomes and finances are merged in order to create a financial partnership to ensure survival. If you're a business student, you've read that partnerships are also the shakiest form of business and they fall apart more than any other;

 

[someonehairy-ish]

Mostly because I like an excuse to suit up

Well you do look like a boss in a suit.

OT:
I think that there's less societal pressure to actually stay with someone, because most people have stopped viewing marriage as some kind of sacred magical pact and more of symbolic statement that 'this is who I want to be with.' Religion doesn't come into play, people aren't so worried about bothering their particular god{s} that they'll stay with someone they aren't happy with.
As for people getting together for the wrong reasons... its quite easy to feel like you're in love when you aren't. When you first meet someone and everything just 'clicks', you have all the same aspirations and interests and whatever, you feel like nothing could possibly go wrong and then, by the time cracks start showing, it's too late.

There are occasions where people seem to get married just because... they're too dim to see how much of a monumentally bad idea it is. I know a girl who got married at 16 to someone she'd known for 6 months, stayed with him for a year or possibly less (long enough to get pregnant, anyway) and then filed for divorce. -.-

 

[prophecy2514]

Ive got three cousins all getting married to their various partners within the next three months, all aged between 20 to 24. two of those cousins have only been in their respective relationships for maybe only a year? sorta scared me when I asked them about it, being in a relationship for two and a half years myself and not considering it, not for a LONG loooooooong time. Both those cousins are from smaller towns out in the country though and not the city which could be a factor, but I'm not gonna look to far into it

Personally I think its ridiculous getting married at that age, but people have different goals in life, some people are ambitious whilst others are more dedicated to starting a family and settling into a routine. Its what they want so I'm happy for them.

 

[MetalMagpie]

People are getting married, simply because they don't want to not be married. Culturally, we tend to attach a stigma to anyone who isn't married past a certain age, implying that there's something wrong with them.

People marry for the tax breaks these days. They do it because they're supposed to do it. They do it because society wants them to.

People have always married for those reasons. (Well, not the tax breaks, but the other two.) In fact, the pressure from society to marry is less now than it was in the past. So none of those reasons explain the rise in divorce. People marry later now than they did in the past, and after knowing each other for a far longer time.

Why do you think the rates are so high?

Expectations about marriage are generally higher than they used to be, and divorce has far less stigma associated with it. This is not necessarily a good or bad thing; it depends entirely on your point of view.

When my grandmother got married in her late teens, she didn't expect to always be happy in her marriage. In fact - in sixty years of being married to my grandfather - she put up with a lot of crap. Put nicely, my grandfather had a somewhat "fiery" temperament. Put less nicely, he could erupt in rage without warning. My mother described him as "a child throwing a tantrum" but in the body of a grown man. Even as a teenager, it terrified her.

If my grandmother was just starting out in married life now, I have no doubt she would divorce my grandfather pretty quickly. But, in reality, she remained married to him until he died five years ago. Because, no matter how bad it could get, divorce never occurred to her. Leaving a husband (at least, one who wasn't actually beating you) just wasn't done in Wales when she was young.

I don't know how much my grandmother "loved" my grandfather when they got married. I don't know whether she ever regretted that decision in the early years. What I do know is that the only time I have seen my strong, Welsh grandmother completely break down was in the graveyard where we buried my grandfather's ashes. And that - even now - she will not hear one word against him.

The infatuations of the young cannot hold a candle to the bond between two people who have spent six decades together. And no partnership that lasts that long is going to be all sweetness and joy. There's always going to be some ugliness.

Like I said, this change in attitudes can be seen as a good or bad thing. I hope to be with my current boyfriend until one of us gives up the ghost. What I can't guarantee is how much ugliness I'm prepared to face in order to achieve that.

 

[Terminal Blue]

But seriously- Why is the rate of divorce so high? I really don't know a particular reason except to say people were obviously not ready, got married, and didn't know the person nearly as well as they thought they did. Or even if they did, they were not ready for the challenges that awaited them.

I feel compelled to point out that there are actually two separate spikes in divorce rates which contribute to the overall rate.

The first is young people in the early to mid 20s. Now that's the one you could argue is composed of people who got married too hastily or without thinking about it.

But actually, a huge, huge number of people are getting divorced in their 40s, 50s and 60s after being married for several decades. You can't really argue that those people were "obviously not ready" or that they didn't think it through. The marriage either worked on some level or, if it didn't, they were able to stick it out.

The problem is that 30 or 40 years ago, people tended to see getting married and having children as an obligation, and once they had children they didn't feel they could divorce even if they weren't happy. A huge number of divorces are people whose children have just left home and who now find they have no obligations, are living in an age where they can divorce, and know that they might well still have time to remarry and live a happy rest of their lives.

What I think we have to accept is that a majority of marriages are not non-stop happiness and joy for 60 years. It's very difficult to remain deeply romantically in love with someone for that long. A few people will manage it, but a huge number of people were always staying together out of a sense of obligation. Contrary to conservative rhetoric, those people divorcing is not a bad thing.

What has happened is that our society has finally started to do away with that sense of obligation, and we've started to adjust our life patterns to the expectation that we will actually be happy, rather than that we will adhere to an idea which satisfies conservative politicians and religious leaders.

I think over the next few decades the divorce rate will even out and we won't have these pronounced age spikes. I wouldn't be surprised if actual rates of divorce start to drop slightly, because people are generally starting to marry later and after much longer relationships.

The reason divorce rates are so high at the moment is not because young people suck and don't know how to commit, a large part of it is because we're dealing with the backlash of a previous generation who felt that marriage and kids were forced on them by social pressure and who now don't see the point in continuing.

 

[Whateveralot]

That mean's it's either going to be you, or your partner... *ba dum tsh*

I laughed unreasonably much.


Anyway, yeah it's sad. The other day I happened to read a vague acquaintance of mine got divocred. What's up? She's 22. Married for two years.

Too young, rash decision, way too early to divorce concidering they, at some point, thought it was serious.

Unbelievably naive decisionmaking.

I guess marrying is too idealistic and too easy to do as well. It's a bad combination.

 

[WildFire15]

Well, if anything, don't do what someone I know did.

She was engaged to be married and everything was ready for the day, but she and her fiancée fell out shortly before the wedding. For whatever reason (I assume because everything was booked), they still went ahead with the wedding and separated as soon as they went on honey moon and divorced soon after.

 

[gmaverick019_v1legacy]

Am I the only one around here who doesn't think divorce is a bad thing?
My parent's divorce was the best thing to ever happen to their marriage.

I like marriage, it's a nice thing. I'd like to get married at some point, not yet though. But if I do, and it goes south, I wont jump to divorce straight away- but I'm certainly glad it's an option.

The way I see it divorce in and of itself isn't such a bad thing, it's that people get hitched too early or for the wrong reasons that lead to broken homes and weak family ties. It's not that divorce shouldn't be an option, it's that marriage should be taken more serious by the average couple.

yeah agreed, i know a girl who met a guy and 3 weeks later they are engaged and are getting married by the end of this summer...

her reasons?

"he's hot, and I want a rich hot guy to marry, so I don't have to do anything."

I just..

lasd;jkf;asdljkfasd

I actually heard a rather interesting explaination once.

They say it's because nowadays, couples are moving in together BEFORE they get married. So when said couples actually DO get married, there isn't really any immediate change. There's no period of discovering anything new about each other, since that's already been covered when they moved in together. It creates an environment of stagnation before the marriage even begins.

Not necessarily the ONLY reason the divorce rate is so high, but something to consider.

eh i highly disagree with this, there are some mannerism's/quirks that some girls tend to do that i've met at home that they don't do anywhere else that would drive me batshit insane, not to mention how filthy/disgusting their home arrangement was. Not realizing this shit till your married and moved in would suck huge ass.

"gotta do a test drive before you buy it" is my policy on just about damn near everything, hasn't seemed to fail me yet.

 

[Rylot]

As for the broken home thing, I always found that incredibly patronising. Many people don't consider what a relief divorce can be. My home was more broken when my parents were married than it ever was when they divorced.

I'm not trying to be patronizing. When my parents divorced when I was a freshman in high school it stopped all the arguments and fights in the house. It also led to depression and a difficulty being intimate for me. My parents were definitely happier after they got divorced; granted I consider my home to be broken long before they divorced. And for me it sucked just as much when they divorced as when they were together. From what I've seen from school peers and the like, divorced homes on average lead to dysfunctional kids. (Not a scientific study by an stretch but this has been my experience.)

Granted there are cases like yours. My girlfriend's parents divorced when she was pretty young but they both stayed in her life and are even friendly with each other to this day.

 

[Broady Brio]

My parents married in their 30's I think and 30 years from now, they're still going. I think I may have to agree with you here.

 

[Squidward]

Ah man, sex before marriage and divorce.

Shame I say, shame.

 

[Phasmal]

As for the broken home thing, I always found that incredibly patronising. Many people don't consider what a relief divorce can be. My home was more broken when my parents were married than it ever was when they divorced.

I'm not trying to be patronizing. When my parents divorced when I was a freshman in high school it stopped all the arguments and fights in the house. It also led to depression and a difficulty being intimate for me. My parents were definitely happier after they got divorced; granted I consider my home to be broken long before they divorced. And for me it sucked just as much when they divorced as when they were together. From what I've seen from school peers and the like, divorced homes on average lead to dysfunctional kids. (Not a scientific study by an stretch but this has been my experience.)

Granted there are cases like yours. My girlfriend's parents divorced when she was pretty young but they both stayed in her life and are even friendly with each other to this day.

I wasn't meaning you were patronising, I just find the idea that if your parents are divorced you are from a broken home patronising.

My parents divorce showed me that you need to stand up for yourself and that if your partner is mistreating you, you should leave. I think this is a much more constructive message than `stay together cause you signed a bit of paper`.

My parents divorce was like freaking world war 3, it started with my grandad punching my dad and ending with a whole lot of stalking. But I'm not saying it wasn't a relief.

Funnily enough, my parents are friendly (enough) towards each other.

 

[Rylot]

I wasn't meaning you were patronising, I just find the idea that if your parents are divorced you are from a broken home patronising.

My parents divorce showed me that you need to stand up for yourself and that if your partner is mistreating you, you should leave. I think this is a much more constructive message than `stay together cause you signed a bit of paper`.

My parents divorce was like freaking world war 3, it started with my grandad punching my dad and ending with a whole lot of stalking. But I'm not saying it wasn't a relief.

Funnily enough, my parents are friendly (enough) towards each other.

Fair enough. It's definitely not cut and dry and each situation is different. Oddly enough my parents divorced on at least somewhat amicable terms and quickly spiraled into fighting over different things (namely selling the house) and ended up with me having to be the go between in their disputes while I was about a thousand miles away in college.