Love Vs. Career

[Brown Cap]

Escapists, I wish I could tell you how wonderful my life is. I wish I could write you a triple-digit-page essay about how I love everything in my life.

I am going on 20 years old in the next 5 months. I am a university student in the States, double-majoring in Economics and Spanish with a double-minor in theatre and peace & conflict studies.
I have no idea what I want to do in my life. I think it would be cool to work with the U.N. or some kind of diplomatic/international relations kind of profession. I also think it would be cool to be a teacher - but I am unsure about teaching, because I probably need some kind of degree or specialization with it, and it's too late in my uni career to start that with my current workload.
I'm not too worried about it right now. I'm going with the flow and hoping I sort it out later.

I have a girlfriend. I met her in the theatre, we both got leading parts in a comedy.
She is everything I could dream of. She is sweet, loving, adorable, intelligent, compassionate, and damn fine to boot. Though we've only been together for three months, we've spent a very condensed amount of time together. Because we have been in a play production together, I have literally seen her, spent time with her, worked alongside her as a partner towards a collective goal, for nearly four hours a day for two months. I've met her family and she's met mine. Both of our families love the other.
Our friends say we're perfect for each other. They have even taken to calling us "Couple of the year"
We have had so many adventures together, I could happily name them all, but I only have so much time.

We don't have sex. Her thing - no sex until marriage. Like the humanely decent person I am, I don't care. Our relationship is hardly based on physicality, even if we wanted it to be.

There isn't a single thing I want to change about her. Nothing. And the great thing is she feels the same about me. I want to tell you that we love each other so much. We've even talked about (and honestly fantasized) about how we'd actually like to get married.
No, of course not NOW. I'm a sophomore. She's a freshman. We wouldn't do it anytime soon.

But, we know that the idea is simply an idea and it's quite likely we won't be together forever, even though neither of us like to entertain that concept. She's a music ed major. She wants to be a music teacher. She's originally from Connecticut, I from New York. We don't see each other much over vacations or any non-campus related location. But we've been doing wonderfully to live in the moment and enjoy everything we have now. Perfect couple, I swear.

I went to London for a month for a theater class. I'm still here now, but I go back in a week and a half.
It was kind of tough on her (I missed her too, but she struggle-bused it)
It wasn't bad, but she got a little depressed once and a while without me.
I was able to get her through it, but here's the catch.

I want to study abroad next fall. I want to go to Spain. I'd be gone from her between 3 and 6 months, depending on the way you count summer vacation and christmas.
I know I can do it. I'm confident we could make it.
She, on the other hand, hates separation. She is a little more emotional than I.
She wants to stay with me - hell, we have expressed desires to marry each other! Something both of us would LOVE... in the future. Not now. Not in the next year or two, even, I bet.
But she worries. We don't know what will happen. She and I have promised that we'd be loyal to each other, but it sounds like she is dreading this idea. She says she is scared and doesn't know what will happen.

By this fall, I might go into long-distance relationship mode. I might lose her. I know I am going abroad regardless, but I still have no idea what I want in life. I just know that she makes me happy. I know I make her happy. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She is perfect to me and I to her.
I want to marry her out of college. But I'm scared I'll lose her. I don't care what I do with myself - I just want to be with her and make a family and be happy together.

I don't know if I have a question to ask after all this. I would drop a hell of a lot to be with her. I wouldn't abandon my edcuation completely - I am going abroad no matter what any one else is or does (she understands and supports me in this).
But - I don't know if this abroad thing will do us in. She's scared she'll change, or that life throws a wrench in the works while I'm gone. I mean so much to her, it's hard for her to let me go, even if it's half a year.
She's not obsessed. Neither of us are. It's just hard, you know?

Any help, escapists?

 

[Albino Boo]

You are 20 and this love fells the greatest anyone has ever experienced, but its not. You have just got the first love feeling and everything is way of perspective. To be honest, a break away from each other is what you need to cool the intensity down. If after being apart and you still have strong feelings then maybe it is a long term thing, but at the moment it sounds like one those wild intense things that happen when you are first an adult. I vaguely remember feeling the same way but I can't recall the girls surname name now, 20 odd years later.

 

[Caostotale]

This sounds like what some people call the 'honeymoon' phase, all the more manic when it involves dispositions that lean towards the dramatic (i.e. it SOUNDS like the two of you are lead players in musical theater!). Do yourselves a huge favor and don't think so far ahead and don't look at things from such a panoramic angle. I assure you from similar experience and attitudes that one-fourth of a year is WAY TOO SOON for any realistic sort of long-term utopianism to square with the vicissitudes of reality as it plays out in real time. I can only recommend enjoying the days one at a time and warn against heaping the future high with idealistic baggage. Judging by a lot of what you've said, you still have a ways to go in fully getting to know yourself. Again, I don't mean to come off harsh and pedantic. I just know that I felt quite about the same about these sorts of things at age 20 and spent the next decade slowly learning just how completely warped and out-of-touch I was! I'm 33 now and I honestly feel like I didn't get my head screwed on correctly and achieve a stable Zen attitude of sorts until about 3-4 years ago.

When I was in college in 1999-2003, thirty was already spoken of as 'the new twenty' with people in my generation, and by that model college-aged kids are akin to overgrown high-schoolers. I'm not trying to smear you with any brush, but I would feel remiss if I didn't counsel you to slow things down a bit and enjoy the present. Your girlfriend could very well be the one you'll want to marry someday, but I would suggest you both spend some serious time getting to know YOURSELVES properly, together and on each person's individual terms. If you don't succeed at that, you could end up spending years acting out some bogus role, letting life live you instead of the other way around. It can be a lot harder if such self-knowledge is (a.) completely skipped on, leading to aberrant behaviors later in life (i.e. bottled-up rage, self-hatred, confusion, midlife crises), or (b.) put off until later, when jobs, marriage, kids, and other complicated crap are piled on top.

 

[EeveeElectro]

What others have said, the first few months of a relationship are the best because everything is fresh and new.
After a few months, the intensity of your feelings will go back to normal and see how you both feel about it then. She might get less emotional when you're apart.

You have to think, do you HAVE to study abroad? Can you do it closer to home? Can she come with you?

If no to those questions and you both want to start a long distance relationship until you get back home, they can work if two people really do love each other. sometimes getting challenged by something like distance is a good thing, if you can't get past it then you can get past anything.

I've been in long distance (4+ hours) before and it didn't work. Not because of the distance but because he didn't love me. Otherwise, the distance wouldn't have bothered me.
I have to take a train to see my current boyfriend but it's still going great and I know we have a strong relationship because of it.

If you think you can both handle it, go for it.I'd talk about to closer to the time though.

But really, you need to live in the moment. You never know what's gonna happen next. You might not even be doing the same thing 6 months down the line. Don't fret and just live out each day instead of thinking about the future with a girlfriend you haven't been with for very long.

 

[Raikas]

I wouldn't abandon my edcuation completely - I am going abroad no matter what any one else is or does (she understands and supports me in this).

I think that answers the question for you: you're going abroad, and that in and of itself will answer the relationship question. Some relationships will survive that with no problem, and some won't - but planning for it won't tell you which one your relationship is, it just has to be experienced.

I'm not going to add to the "you're young" chorus, because I'm in my mid-30s and married to a classmate from high school (and honestly a decent number of our social circle are in similar-length relationships) - I don't think there's anything about being 20 (or even 18 or 16) that makes a relationship any less stable than one that you have at 28 (or 30 or 40).

That said, my relationship wasn't exclusive the whole time (and we were in different cities for the year after university and even after getting married, have been in work situations where both of our work-related travel meant we were apart fully half the year), and I think that might be something you and your girlfriend need to work out before you travel, even if it's an awkward conversion (maybe especially if it's an awkward conversation).

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

I think studying abroad while being anchored to someone back home completely defeats the purpose of studying abroad. I don't think it's a good idea to feel tethered to someone (even someone great) half the world away when you're trying to immerse yourself in an exciting new culture. Chances are very, very good it will weigh heavily on both of you and eventually escalate into a messy long-distance break-up, which will more or less guarantee you never reconnect. You're far better off being proactive about your situation by taking a break for the duration of your trip. Part on good terms and promise that you will see each other again. Send her updates maybe 2-3 times a month so she knows you're still thinking about her, but don't let communication with her take you over. Focus on your studies and your new surroundings. Then, when you're ready to return, you can gauge her enthusiasm and decide whether or not to pursue her again.

 

[crypt-creature]

I think studying abroad while being anchored to someone back home completely defeats the purpose of studying abroad. I don't think it's a good idea to feel tethered to someone (even someone great) half the world away when you're trying to immerse yourself in an exciting new culture. Chances are very, very good it will weigh heavily on both of you and eventually escalate into a messy long-distance break-up, which will more or less guarantee you never reconnect. You're far better off being proactive about your situation by taking a break for the duration of your trip. Part on good terms and promise that you will see each other again. Send her updates maybe 2-3 times a month so she knows you're still thinking about her, but don't let communication with her take you over. Focus on your studies and your new surroundings. Then, when you're ready to return, you can gauge her enthusiasm and decide whether or not to pursue her again.

If you look at the situation as being 'tethered' then that is a problem from the start.

Long distance relationships are difficult, yes, but they shouldn't make you feel 'tethered'. In fact, when you are albe to talk at length to the person your connected with it should be exciting for both of you, being able to catch up as much as possible with both your experiences and see how far each of you has come, and how much more you have to go but in the end you know it will be worth it. You should want to talk to them, not feel like you have to, and both should understand that it won't always be possible to talk as much as either of them might like. If that can be worked out, they are already setting up a good structure for this time apart.

Being in a long distance relationship shouldn't always feel like it, even though at times it will and you will just have to let that feeling take its course. At this stage, if their bond is more mental than physical, it will stand a better chance of working out.
Both of them have to be confident not only in the relationship, their bond, and in each other, but also that in the end this will add to their relationship. Not take away from it.

Having been in a long distance relationship for over a year, it doesn't have to be a make or break deal. Not every obstacle in life is.

Since the OP mentions she is more emotional, figuring out what specifically sets her off and finding other ways to cope with it are a good idea. A hobby of some kind, maybe one that they both are into that would make them feel less 'apart' may help. Friends are always a good lean-to, it may be as simple as she doesn't like feeling alone. If it's emotional and mental comfort, that's a bit more tricky but still something that can be eased.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

snip

I'm glad LD is working out for you, but I think you know that's the exception rather than the rule. For the vast majority, it doesn't work out. I think their relationship stands a far better chance if they part on good terms, still loving one another and wanting to be together, and with hopes of resuming things upon his return. Better that than trying LD and likely failing, resulting in a potentially messy and final break-up.

 

[nariette]

Personally, I think you should choose for your career. Cruel as it sounds, love at a young age rarely works out. It does in some cases though. My cousin was 15 when she met this guy, I think he was 22 at the time. They were together for a year, but then broke up because they wanted to be more independent. After half a year, they missed each other so much that they decided to try again. They are now happily married.

I'm not trying to say that you should try because it might work out, or that you should choose for your career because it probably won't. I'm trying to say that you should go and choose for your career, because if you are meant to be it will become apparent with time.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Bottom line to lasting relationships is "It's a lot of fucking work", if you are willing to do it then things will be cool and if you aren't they will go wonky no matter where you are.

But this probably won't make sense at the moment as you are both in hormone heaven, your brain is pumping you full of happiness hormones and your partner could be nothing but perfect.
This goes away pretty quickly however, and only then do you start to actually get to know the person that is suppose to be your partner, then it's not all cute any more, all the annoying shit they do will become annoying, and all the annoying shit you do will also be annoying to them...
Then you start to see if the relationship can work, if can you work things out together or hold grudges until it all boils over.

 

[Caostotale]

Bottom line to lasting relationships is "It's a lot of fucking work", if you are willing to do it then things will be cool and if you aren't they will go wonky no matter where you are.

I must be from another planet, because I've always found the 'long-term relationships are a lot of work' cliche pretty irritating, ultimately a blanket apologia for tons of shit relationships that people should relegate to the flames. I often feel like a majority of people just glaze over anything resembling those early steps in one's love life where you figure out what the hell you actually desire in a partner. Instead, everyone's still being dumbfuck teenagers and diving into these half-understood mongrel relationships as means to protect the short-term interests of their genitals and egos. Then they stay in these shitty relationships because they're lazy and scared shitless of being lonely. No offense to anyone, but this is not the 1930s anymore. If a partnership seems toxic, it probably can't be fixed. Rather, you'll just grow old hating and distrusting one another in some lame detente or setting down some habitual pattern of abuse.

I honestly can't stand most of the couples I know whose relationships are more akin to work-loads, mostly because their constant drama always ends up exacting major costs on other people, whether we're talking about the effects of cheating, awkward public fights, dumping complexes into their children, etc... People should probably do more work before they start fucking about with relationships.

 

[Vegosiux]

-snip-

I think you're misunderstanding it. It's not that "a relationship is a lot of fucking work just to keep it passably bearable", it's that frictions and conflict will arise. They will need to be dealt with, compromise is needed. Maintaining the trust in a relationship is paramount, and that's not an easy task. It doesn't just come down to fidelity on trust, either.

That takes effort. Not the drama-kind of effort, but it does require a constant, consistent investment. Obviously, if a relationship runs on "me against them", then drop it. But even "The two of us together against our issues" is not always an easy task.