*A headset in place around the victim's head crackles on*
Good Evening, (Victim's Name)...Rest well, did we? I apologize for the rough treatment, but see, I want to play a little game with you, but you likely would have said no, and well, I'm not very good at dealing with rejection.
Are you familiar with the term 'Troll', my friend? No, not the races in your computer games, Troll as in the idiom from your cherished internet. Troll, as in what you are, my friend. An entity that makes issues of non-issues. A creature who uses anonymity to clutch at another's mood and drag it downward. The kind of person who uses 'Gay' as a synonym for bad or weak, and must crudely take aim at things they do not like or understand. One would think it a form of Masochism to expose oneself to topics that disgust or frustrate, but I'm not here for a psychological debate, but a social exercise.
Of course, you've noticed the headset. Feel free to adjust it a bit for your comfort, but do NOT remove it, and do not move the microphone too far. There is C4 in your new accessory, with a trigger in the mouthpiece if toyed with too much, and proximity sensors to other triggers in the ears. Said sensors are embedded in your ears...might be why the lobes are a tad sore. The proximity triggers are set to a mere inch and a half, so don't think you can just rest it around your neck.
You'll notice the room is covered in screens. I've arranged a little entertainment. Well, they won't be entertainment for you, unless of course, masochism is your thing. See, I've gathered as many sources of video as I can along the lines of which you have lambasted in the past. Notice the ceilings and the floor have monitors embedded in them. Gives new meaning to Surround Sound, doesn't it? I'm actually rather proud.
When this message finishes, the Monitors will power on and cycle through the little collection I've gathered. All you have to do is watch, and not reply. Once started, any noise above the general decibel level my presentation offers will trigger the C4. If your whole head is not splintered, you'll doubtless lose your ears and an unpleasantly high proportion of your face, and likely die of blood loss before you recover from the shock and pain.
I wouldn't try to destroy the monitors, that'd no doubt make enough noise for the microphone to pick up. And no closing your eyes or taking a nap, friend. I managed an additional treat for your tearducts. Photosensors. If they fail to recieve light for 5 consecutive seconds, that's another trigger. They also take about 2 seconds to register light after losing consistent contact, so really, that's a 3 second timer. I know, I know, there are a lot of these little buttons not to push, but really, if you were me, would you hold someone in your position to the honour system? Don't lie, you know you would not.
Now, being generously low, I'd wager you spend 3 to 4 hours online a day. So that's how long my little presentation is. When it's over, the door to your side will unlock, and the little bombs in your headgear will be neutralized, allowing you passage out, and back to your little 'life' as you call it.
Let me just summarize for you, to be fair. Don't take off the headset. Don't move the microphone away from your mouth. Don't make any noise beyond breathing, and don't close your eyes to the show. 4 Hours of uncomfortable media later, you'll be free.
Our show is about to begin. Please turn off all cell phones.
And now, our Feature Presentation. And remember, Silence is Golden.
*Click of recording ending as the monitors flick on*
