Male Perspective Needed - Update

[Blue Sonnet]

Okay, someone actually made me cry - the friend who sent the message on took offense to a one line message saying I'd just got that call, and she's basically told me it's my fault for involving her, which I guess is true in part.

The uncalled for part is where she's mentioned that something terrible that I did in my past whilst I was with him, is something that he has spoken about with the girl, and now it's something that she knows too.

It's something really, really bad, to the point where I'd happily do absolutely anything if it could erase that time. Anything.

She was kind enough to not mention it. Why the hell would you tell someone you knew that? My ex promised it was something to be kept secret, that I'd apologised for and was over. Now people are gossiping about it?

Crap. It won't stop. Now my make-up is ruined. Smoky eyeshadow is a bugger to get right, and now it's running again. There goes my iron resolve to not let this get to me any more.

Edit: It's ok, it's stopped. Now I just want to hit something...

 

[Shurikens and Lightning]

Sorry for going off topic but did you really take his dog? thats just cruel, unless its your dog, then he is wrong.

I dont have the attention span to read all the topic but I really want to know about the dog.

 

[Blue Sonnet]

Sorry for going off topic but did you really take his dog? thats just cruel, unless its your dog, then he is wrong.

I dont have the attention span to read all the topic but I really want to know about the dog.

I've never met the dog, but the girlfriend has apparently taken the dog along with the house. They also have my chinchillas, which I'm becoming increasingly worried for...

 

[samsprinkle]

This is STUPID! Oh no! he has a facebook friend he's not telling me about! What shall I do? Oh! I'm not jealous! Just angry that he'd conceal a girlfriend from me! the bastard!

Whookay... Thank you for taking the time to tell me that. You didn't actually read the first part, did you?

Actually I did...with the bit about checking you out and all that jazz...but I really think that you should just let it go...just go with the flow...relax...and sorry I was so blunt and rude...

 

[cobra_ky]

well i would tend to blame the crazy guy for ruining his own life, rather than you. and your friend got herself involved when she forwarded that message. all you did was ask a question and she could have refused to answer. don't worry about the girlfriend either, if you're better off without him then she probably is too.

i don't think he'd intentionally harm the chinchillas but i am super worried about them too because they are adorable.

go ahead and find a happiness bunny or something else soft and non-sentient to hit. don't break your hand or anything.

 

[cleverlymadeup]

So.......you're single then?

Why, yes I am, Mr Strange Person Who I've Never Met Or Spoken To Before. Interested?
I do have a history of cutting intimate body parts off dates who disappoint me, but that's not a problem, right?

Sorry, I haven't slept much in the past few days and now I'm starting to see little wriggly things...

Ok how about this then

hi my name's Shannon Hamilton, i am the manager of a men's fashion store in new jersey. would you like to come for a ride in my volkswagon?

Okay, someone actually made me cry - the friend who sent the message on took offense to a one line message saying I'd just got that call, and she's basically told me it's my fault for involving her, which I guess is true in part.

ok so you spoke to your friend and she forwarded a private conversation on without asking you or having you say "yeah pass it on" and yet this is your fault and you involved her in it? sorry she got herself involved

The uncalled for part is where she's mentioned that something terrible that I did in my past whilst I was with him, is something that he has spoken about with the girl, and now it's something that she knows too.

It's something really, really bad, to the point where I'd happily do absolutely anything if it could erase that time. Anything.

She was kind enough to not mention it. Why the hell would you tell someone you knew that? My ex promised it was something to be kept secret, that I'd apologised for and was over. Now people are gossiping about it?

ok here's the thing about "bad" things.

1. did you kill someone? if not, it's not that bad
2. did you cause someone to die thru negligence? if not, it's not that bad
3. did you have a baby and he's the dad and give it up? again not bad, you probly gave it a better life considering how he's acting now
4. did you get an abortion? see previous answer but well you didn't give the child a bad environment
5. did you do some odd sexual thing? if so it's not bad and if there's no pictures/video it didn't happen

so really you didn't do anything too horrible, there's things that are a lot worse you could do

 

[Blue Sonnet]

Thank you again everyone, I've calmed down and hit (and broken) various things, and I'm feeling a lot better.

Actually I did...with the bit about checking you out and all that jazz...but I really think that you should just let it go...just go with the flow...relax...and sorry I was so blunt and rude...

No problem, I am stopping everything on this one, his e-mail etc is blocked, number deleted, so this is the end. It would have ended sooner if I didn't get that message from my supposed friend. That was shock, more than anything that got me.

well i would tend to blame the crazy guy for ruining his own life, rather than you. and your friend got herself involved when she forwarded that message. all you did was ask a question and she could have refused to answer. don't worry about the girlfriend either, if you're better off without him then she probably is too.

i don't think he'd intentionally harm the chinchillas but i am super worried about them too because they are adorable.

go ahead and find a happiness bunny or something else soft and non-sentient to hit. don't break your hand or anything.

Totally agree, especially about the chinchillas. The only problem is that the now enraged girlfriend has them, and they started dying as soon as they were moved into his/her/their house... But then again there's nothing I can do about that anymore.

I completely decked in a pillow last night, I'm still breathing feathers!

Ok how about this then

hi my name's Shannon Hamilton, i am the manager of a men's fashion store in new jersey. would you like to come for a ride in my volkswagon?

I want to ask SO much about this but I probably shouldn't... Got any sweeties or puppies?

ok so you spoke to your friend and she forwarded a private conversation on without asking you or having you say "yeah pass it on" and yet this is your fault and you involved her in it? sorry she got herself involved

Thank you, that's what I told her in a rather heated reply, where I focused on why she felt the need to tell me she knew something horrible about me from years ago, but then patted herself on the back for being "kind" enough not to mention what it was.

ok here's the thing about "bad" things.

1. did you kill someone? if not, it's not that bad
2. did you cause someone to die thru negligence? if not, it's not that bad
3. did you have a baby and he's the dad and give it up? again not bad, you probly gave it a better life considering how he's acting now
4. did you get an abortion? see previous answer but well you didn't give the child a bad environment
5. did you do some odd sexual thing? if so it's not bad and if there's no pictures/video it didn't happen

so really you didn't do anything too horrible, there's things that are a lot worse you could do

Thank you for putting that into perspective for me. I didn't do any of those things, so yes, I could have been a lot worse. I also managed to stop him taking drugs and drinking so much he couldn't even remember going out, let alone getting home, so I mustn't have been that bad a person.

 

[Graustein]

My take on the situation:
The two of you broke up, promising to inform each other of future relationships as they occur. He has (or had?) a girlfriend about whom he told you nothing. You found out about her through different channels and confronted him about his breaking the promise - no reply was recieved.
You sent a flat ultimatum, which was likewise ignored.
Then a mutual friend forwarded a message of yours concerning these shenanigans to his girlfriend's mother without your consent or knowledge.
He has now called you up citing this message as the reason he was dumped - apparently nothing incriminating was actually in it.
So his life has hit shit creek and he's called you up angrily to blame you for it. You have since severed all ties with him.

Is that accurate?
It's quite possible that your little message was a factor in the breakup. But I wouldn't feel too bad either way, since that message was either merely a catalyst for an unstable relationship, or one (or both) of them is a total nutcase going crazy over nothing. In either case, I doubt that relationship was built to last.
So just in case you're feeling guilty - don't.

 

[Mariena]

Hmmm.. hmm.. well, you're not going to get a male perspective from my part, obviously.. but.. after analyzing the situation, I can only come up with one solution.

Get into a relationship with a girl.

(=P)

 

[orifice]

Hi! Firstly this 'friend' who passed on your message, is not your friend (it could be time to re-evaluate your friends and expectations of them). The rest of this situation is a bit messed up. There is more to their break up than he is admitting, I suspect that he concealed his friendship with an ex from his GF and that this is very significant in her decision to kick off. It was his choice to not tell the truth to his GF, so it's his fault it blew up in his face. In short, cut them all off and demand a higher standard of friends (the sort that are honest and loyal and 'have always got your back').
That's my 2p worth and good luck in the future!

 

[AnotherFineMess]

Well... the best thing I could say is that it might be hard, but...

1 At least you didn't got deep into that mess (if his current/ex-girlfriend was really jealous I believe she would confront you)
2 Got rid of a bad friend (forwarding those things and such)
3 Got rid of a... strange ex-boyfriend (I must say I'm in a similar situation, just not that bad)

So, it may hurt, but at least you should start seeing some good in it all...

Plus! the "He's lost everything because of me - his house, dog and girlfriend" its just melodramatic, you didn't do anything right? So it was is own damned fault!

 

[Willwillwritehiswill]

I'd say cut your losses and all contact completely. If he's dragging you into something you're clearly not a part of he doesn't deserve your time. You go girlfriend *snaps fingers*

 

[Blue Sonnet]

...So just in case you're feeling guilty - don't.

Done! I still don't know why I did feel that guilty - it happened so fast, and had such a huge result, that it floored me for a while.

Everything that people have advised me on here are things that I would probably figured out eventually, but I trust the opinions of everyone on here and I knew that if I had done something wrong you'd have called me on it.

Hmmm.. hmm.. well, you're not going to get a male perspective from my part, obviously.. but.. after analyzing the situation, I can only come up with one solution.

Get into a relationship with a girl.

(=P)

Done! (In the past - tried and failed, but still worth it)

Well... the best thing I could say is that it might be hard, but...

1 At least you didn't got deep into that mess (if his current/ex-girlfriend was really jealous I believe she would confront you)
2 Got rid of a bad friend (forwarding those things and such)
3 Got rid of a... strange ex-boyfriend (I must say I'm in a similar situation, just not that bad)

So, it may hurt, but at least you should start seeing some good in it all...

Plus! the "He's lost everything because of me - his house, dog and girlfriend" its just melodramatic, you didn't do anything right? So it was is own damned fault!

1: That's what I thought, my contact details were on the infamous printout as well.
2: She's been deleted.
3: He's been blocked. Good luck on your end btw!

I thought on reflection that he was going over the top - if you're in a happy, strong relationship, almost anything in a letter from an ex shouldn't be able to end that. If you've not done anything with her then it shouldn't affect the relationship.

I'd say cut your losses and all contact completely. If he's dragging you into something you're clearly not a part of he doesn't deserve your time. You go girlfriend *snaps fingers*

Done!

set up a meet with the twio of them...

*Eep*

I might leave that one...
If they can't sort this (of all things) out alone, then they aren't going to have a long future together.

 

[Sennz0r]

So.......you're single then?

did anyone else just hear Smooth Operator come on the radio?

I don't like that song much. Gets in my brain and eats away at it. No no, if I am to lose brain mass I want to at least enjoy it.

To OP: I'd just call it off. I know it's tough when you're in this kind of situation: The other person wants to keep you around as a failsafe because deep down he feels that his current relationship will one day go down the crapper.
When it comes to this kind of thing you just can't settle for being second best. It puts you at a disadvantage immediately and there's almost a guarantee you'll get the same treatment as that girl got.

 

[wewontdie11]

Well that sucks. Considerably. Incredibly unfair for a supposed friend to try and blame you for consequences resulting mostly from their actions. If you really want to know the deal I think it would just be best to sit down and have a rational face to face talk with them both.

Otherwise, I've found in a fairly similar personal experience that problems like this go away by ignoring them completely and severing all connections. Might not be the most respectable of things to do but it works if you do it for about 3 months never mind what they may text you, even if it's an apology you know that they don't really mean it and they still resent you for little to no reason because they are too insecure to actually think something might be their fault.... sorry went off on a little tangent there.

 

[s0denone]

I'm getting the vibe that you cheated on him while you were together, is this true?

 

[bad rider]

God this is funny. Qualifying statement= in a he's a stalker who probably still has a lock of your hair he sniffs at night kind of way.

Oh yeah the sucker punch is that he loves you, (I'm going to stab in the dark and say you left him) and he wants to get back together meaning he can't hold any other relationship together. Thus making his new girl friend angry at you.

 

[Blue Sonnet]

I'm getting the vibe that you cheated on him while you were together, is this true?

Nope, he cheated on me - thought it was perfectly ok to share a bed, naked, in a caravan with a girl who was openly after him. That's all he told me, and sounds strange as hell.

There were many other times that were also dodgy as hell, such as spending the night downstairs, drinking, with a girl who had him literally at her beck and call as a taxi service (at one point all the way down to Wales from Manchester), when the house was empty aside from me being in the attic room on the PC.

He also admitted to kissing another girl when he was pissed about a year after we started going out. Strangely this persuaded me that if he had ever cheated to a greater extent he'd have confessed to it (he's the type who'd want to ease his conscience that way, or so I thought).

Ye gods, I've been stupid. Overly trusting, at least.

I've been cheated on once before (the same bloke who went mental when his girlfriend and I compared notes and found this out) so it's something I'd never, ever do to another person.

God this is funny. Qualifying statement= in a he's a stalker who probably still has a lock of your hair he sniffs at night kind of way.

Oh yeah the sucker punch is that he loves you, (I'm going to stab in the dark and say you left him) and he wants to get back together meaning he can't hold any other relationship together. Thus making his new girl friend angry at you.

I did leave him - see above - and I can't shake the feeling that I was either a backup or, more likely, he was testing the waters with me to see whether I still liked him. My instinct told me that he'd leave her if I asked him to come back, but then again instinct isn't always right, so I never mentioned that to anyone.

Little update for you, two days ago her Facebook profile had his and hers pics, now it's just hers! I hasten to add that I didn't seek this out, it's something I came across when blocking the aforementioned not-really-a-friend.

I'm lucky that I can be this open on here, as this is an alias that isn't linked back to either of us. He's a little too clueless about software to be able to stalk me online properly anyway! That thought about the hair is freaking me out a little though...

Well that sucks. Considerably. Incredibly unfair for a supposed friend to try and blame you for consequences resulting mostly from their actions. If you really want to know the deal I think it would just be best to sit down and have a rational face to face talk with them both.

Otherwise, I've found in a fairly similar personal experience that problems like this go away by ignoring them completely and severing all connections. Might not be the most respectable of things to do but it works if you do it for about 3 months never mind what they may text you, even if it's an apology you know that they don't really mean it and they still resent you for little to no reason because they are too insecure to actually think something might be their fault.... sorry went off on a little tangent there.

Still can't believe the message I got - it basically accused me of being a mad stalker ex who was determined to break them up and ruin their happiness! It's been years, why would I do that after all this time? She justified her actions by saying that if she heard something that could jeopardise her son's life, she'd take action.
Hardly the same thing, especially as the action of sending the message probably blew it out of all proportion and made things worse.

If my message was so evil, so ruinous and malicious, created purely to break them up (as she inferred), then why send it to a happy couple when it might split them up?

 

[bad rider]

I'm getting the vibe that you cheated on him while you were together, is this true?

Nope, he cheated on me - thought it was perfectly ok to share a bed, naked, in a caravan with a girl who was openly after him. That's all he told me, and sounds strange as hell.

There were many other times that were also dodgy as hell, such as spending the night downstairs, drinking, with a girl who had him literally at her beck and call as a taxi service (at one point all the way down to Wales from Manchester), when the house was empty aside from me being in the attic room on the PC.

He also admitted to kissing another girl when he was pissed about a year after we started going out. Strangely this persuaded me that if he had ever cheated to a greater extent he'd have confessed to it (he's the type who'd want to ease his conscience that way, or so I thought).

I've been cheated on once before (the same bloke who went mental when his girlfriend and I compared notes and found this out) so it's something I'd never, ever do to another person.

God this is funny. Qualifying statement= in a he's a stalker who probably still has a lock of your hair he sniffs at night kind of way.

Oh yeah the sucker punch is that he loves you, (I'm going to stab in the dark and say you left him) and he wants to get back together meaning he can't hold any other relationship together. Thus making his new girl friend angry at you.

I did leave him - see above - and I can't shake the feeling that I was either a backup or, more likely, he was testing the waters with me to see whether I still liked him. My instinct told me that he'd leave her if I asked him to come back, but then again instinct isn't always right, so I never mentioned that to anyone.

Little update for you, two days ago her Facebook profile had his and hers pics, now it's just hers! I hasten to add that I didn't seek this out, it's something I came across when blocking the aforementioned not-really-a-friend.

I'm lucky that I can be this open on here, as this is an alias that isn't linked back to either of us. He's a little too clueless about software to be able to stalk me online properly anyway! That thought about the hair is freaking me out a little though...

If you want my advice give him closure, he likes her and is still chocked up about you. For the both of you I suggest you try and make him hate you. That way he can move on.

Edited