Marriage doesn't look too Appealing in the Long Run...

[Deleted]

[sub]Time for some more ramblings of a teenager, so get your "you just don't get it" comments ready. Plus, it's 3 in the morning as I type this so don't rip on my grammar/flow of thought.[/sub]

I don't see how marriage is considered the best life plan to the average citizen. Granted, I'm a very systematic person and I always want to have a plan that will benefit me the most in the end (I have OCD, but this is the internet, so does everyone else according to them). I just don't see how marriage can end happily, lets look at the reasons someone might marry:

1. They love each other
This shouldn't be a real reason, it's pretty illogical. If you love someone enough that you want to stay with them forever, why do you need to chain them to you with a marriage status? Obviously you don't trust them to stay with you forever and ever since you crave this human interaction much. If I find a mate who I'm very comfortable with (which is unlikely, I prefer to be alone but not ronery.), they're free to leave at any time if for some reason or another they don't like me as much, I don't want to be stuck with them if they change their mind, and I'm not going to force them to do something they don't want.

So then if someone is marrying for this reason, it's doomed to fail. They must be marrying for another reason alongside this one.

2. To support each other financially.
This is the most logical reason to marry, to me. But in today's culture (especially American culture), it's natural that the divorce rate is 50%. If two people married for love, and stopped loving each other, then let them split. Everything's fine now right? Wrong, the financial aspect of a divorce most likely leaves one member in ruins. I don't want to to sound like a misogynist but it's pretty common knowledge that men suffer the worst in divorces.

If you are considering marrying someone and realize that you wouldn't be able to support the both of you, that's a smart move and people respect you for that. If you are considering marrying someone and realize that you wouldn't be able to recover if it goes bad, then you're a coward who is afraid of commitment.

More on that- is the point of marriage that you are "committed" to them? Like love must be proven by showing that you are willing to "lock yourself" in the marriage 'till death do you part? Kids seem to be 'collateral' to ensure that the parents won't leave. The popular phrase "do it for the kids" comes to mind, though I'm not able to speak on that since I've never had a kid. I don't understand what its like to consider your son or daughters life in the equation when considering divorce.

Here's a point that fits in both categories, so I'll write it here: IF you are married and the marriage goes wrong. When you split up, the wife will most likely take half of everything and leave you worse off than before the marriage.IF you were just dating or whatever and she decides to beat it. Just change the locks on your door, and its over.

If its the MAN who leaves, then that makes it hard for the woman to recover especially if she was a stay-at-home mom. Its more likely that the woman will be living by herself if they are not married, but the emotional damage is large in both cases.

Of course there are cases where the divorce is equal and everyone leaves happy (that's definitely the exception), but then what was the point of marrying. I would say 99.99% of couples don't know each other fully, as suggested by the "she just changed since last year" or "you're not the man I married". They marry because they believe they'll be financially set if they combine their money, but money can change people. But what do I know, I'm just a teenager.

 

[joshuaayt]

Marriage is just an antiquity; a remnant from an old age when fathers had to find some sort of non-literal tether to keep their daughter in the rich man's house.
It isn't supposed to be appealing.

 

[Danzaivar]

Love and logic ain't on speaking terms. And really, when you get on to the stage where you have kids and stuff ANY breakup is going to be a hell of a pain (financially); at that point getting married just means your kids parents both have the same last name, which (especially conservative place i.e. the USA) is good for their social status.

By the way, I'm not sure if the US has this or not but in the UK if you co-habit with someone for over 3 or 5 years there are laws against you being able to "Just change the locks on your door, and its over."...

 

[Deleted]

Actually, as much as I dislike Salman Rushdie, he did have something interesting to say about marriage (which he's hardly an expert on, 4 times divorced, so he's obviously not very good), but what he said was, paraphrasing here, "People say that marriage is the ultimate expression of love, but I think that not being married is. If you are married, with children, you have an obligation to stay together, long after love has faded. However, when you are partners, the moment the love ends, you should leave each other, no lies, no deceptions. This way, you'll always know that as long as you're together, you're in love"

I'd agree with that, up to a point. I get the feeling that marriage is more of a social obligation then anything else.

I don't plan to get married, but if I do, it's not going to be in a church, with thousands of euros spent on outshowing the other people. I'll just drive to the most beautiful place I know with my beloved, and get married there, alone in peace, just us two.

Real marriage is just a sham. Hell, my parents didn't marry until I was 6, and that was only to get tax benefits. They don't really even think of themselves as husband and wife.

EDIT: Bracing for someone who's married to act all knowing and condescending!

Aww man can't wait for those guys. They'll see this post as an attack on their life choice or realize how right I am and take their rage out on me.

Though it will most likely be the first one, since I'm never right

Also, marriage ceremonies are the stupidest shit ever, for multiple reasons
1. I hate parties and big social interactions, so I wouldn't be enjoying myself.
2. They're expensive, yet more 'collateral' to try and persuade people to stay together ("you don't want the wedding to go to waste!").
3. There is no conceivable benefit to having a big showy wedding. When people are in love they don't think right and tend (read: always) make bad choices, choices like having a big elaborate wedding, and thinking that people care about their unimportant lives. So they 'project' their love onto a fancy expensive ceremony because they think it's the right thing to do.

 

[ShadowsofHope]

Actually, as much as I dislike Salman Rushdie, he did have something interesting to say about marriage (which he's hardly an expert on, 4 times divorced, so he's obviously not very good), but what he said was, paraphrasing here, "People say that marriage is the ultimate expression of love, but I think that not being married is. If you are married, with children, you have an obligation to stay together, long after love has faded. However, when you are partners, the moment the love ends, you should leave each other, no lies, no deceptions. This way, you'll always know that as long as you're together, you're in love"

I'd agree with that, up to a point. I get the feeling that marriage is more of a social obligation then anything else.

I don't plan to get married, but if I do, it's not going to be in a church, with thousands of euros spent on outshowing the other people. I'll just drive to the most beautiful place I know with my beloved, and get married there, alone in peace, just us two.

Real marriage is just a sham. Hell, my parents didn't marry until I was 6, and that was only to get tax benefits. They don't really even think of themselves as husband and wife.

Quite frankly hit the head on the nail, in my honest opinion. Marriage is usually a societal factor that is pressured upon people when they fall in love, and feel they want to spend as much time as possible with that particular person(s). And of course, useful for tax benefits. I feel no obligation myself to get married in a church (being an Atheist, that should not be surprising), although my current lover feels compelled to.. Agh.

Oh, and yes, I am unmarried. And no, I am not a teenager.

 

[Deleted]

Love and logic ain't on speaking terms. And really, when you get on to the stage where you have kids and stuff ANY breakup is going to be a hell of a pain (financially); at that point getting married just means your kids parents both have the same last name, which (especially conservative place i.e. the USA) is good for their social status.

By the way, I'm not sure if the US has this or not but in the UK if you co-habit with someone for over 3 or 5 years there are laws against you being able to "Just change the locks on your door, and its over."...

For your last bit, yeah I understand its not always like that. If people decide to live with each other for a long time without marrying obviously the 'unwritten rules' change.

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

OK, I'll try and counter these from a point of ignorance (given I'm single)

1) Have you ever been in love with someone you love so much that you can see yourself growing old with them? Someone that puts up with your hideous rants? Someone who doesn't care that you look like death but cares enough to hug you when your favourite programme finally ends? Someone who will cry with you?

2) Financially, (cold emotional voice) marriage does make sense. Couples have more buying power, and in the credit crunch, divorces have shot down. Divorces may be a bad thing, but Marriage actually makes you more stable.

3) Duty. Once you are married, there's another little conscience that sits on your shoulder that stops you from the worst excesses of your life. Whether that's gaming all night, suicidal driving or a string of disastrous relationships.

4) Stability for children, pets, cars etc. With two people looking after things, the chances of them going wrong are FAR less.

5) Women get to look FABULOUS, Men get WASTED.

6) Officially, it's easier for bureacracy to deal with you and be dealt with.

7) People get lonely. REAL lonely at times. People also die. That's when you know there's someone there who cares enough about you to deal with it.

It's a commitment, like owning a car or a house, to strive to improve your lot in life. It can go HUGELY wrong, but then...what can't?

 

[Marine Mike]

I'm really not a believer in the concept of marriage, I got married because I knocked my girlfriend up and I was in the military. That way she had health insurance and my paycheck doubled. Now we're getting divorced which is a gigantic pain in the ass.

Anywho, what I'm getting at is society shouldn't have any involvement in your relationships... If you want to raise a family with someone you shouldn't have to fill out paperwork to make it "legal".

 

[catalyst8]

Mate, it's just an excuse for a drink.

Ha ha! Cracked me up.

To address the original point: There are different forms of marriage in various societies throughout the world, & the differences don't just relate to monogamy & polygamy or the structure of the contract.

If you feel that marriage isn't appropriate for you then don't do it, but that doesn't mean that your view will be universally held by others, even others in your own culture.

 

[SonicKoala]

Well, for one, why is marrying for love an illogical reason? Like you said later on, marriage for many people is a symbol not only for their love, but their dedication towards each other. I don't see the problem with this at all - your conclusion that people who marry for love are entering into relationships which are "doomed to fail" is a blatant generalization, and I've known couples personally who entered into such relationships and are still together after 40 or 50 years.

As for the rest of your post, although it's true that divorce can be a huge financial burden on either one or both parties, signing a prenuptial agreement prior to marriage would completely remove the majority of financial difficulties people face when they get divorced. I see no problem in splitting what a couple earned while they're together in half - it's tough, but fair. If kids enter into the equation, well that definitely complicates things, but after all, there's a reason why divorce is such a slippery slope.

Oh, and you left out one of, if not the, most common reason people get married - religion.

 

[blankedboy]

I think that the marraige system should die, and that people should just stay with each other if they want to. It'd change some big things, like families and the like, with about 5 wives and 6 husbands (potentially, I'm assuming morals would be different in this scenario) and plenty of step-son/daughter/mother/father-in-law, and the like.

Actually, that would be fucking awesome. Extended families rock, and the financial support would be epicly... something'd.

 

[likalaruku]

I'm a "parasyte single" & I believe in the Scarlet O'Hara Marriage Method; when you can no longer suck the life & spare finances out of your parents, find another life form to sink your teeth into.

I hate being employed, I've never enjoyed any job I've ever had. So if my parents die, I will marry the first guy who shows interest in me & my cooking & do the housewife bit.

 

[iLikeHippos]

Marriage is nothing big. For me, it's just a girls dream. (Hurr hurr hurr)

I can see myself getting married with someone, even though saying that is like stabbing your man-card a bit...
But yeah, financially, you can get really fucked over if you try divorce. The worst one in history have to be the case of Indiana Jones.
What a fucking *****...

So, if you marry, there IS a going back. You just don't want to take it.
Like escaping down the sewer pipe to realize you don't want freedom so you go all the way back, crawling upwards in deep shit instead of riding downwards like a roller coaster.

So, to me, you might be right at that. Not that this crosses my mind very often.

 

[Deleted]

OK, I'll try and counter these from a point of ignorance (given I'm single)

1) Have you ever been in love with someone you love so much that you can see yourself growing old with them? Someone that puts up with your hideous rants? Someone who doesn't care that you look like death but cares enough to hug you when your favourite programme finally ends? Someone who will cry with you?

2) Financially, (cold emotional voice) marriage does make sense. Couples have more buying power, and in the credit crunch, divorces have shot down. Divorces may be a bad thing, but Marriage actually makes you more stable.

3) Duty. Once you are married, there's another little conscience that sits on your shoulder that stops you from the worst excesses of your life. Whether that's gaming all night, suicidal driving or a string of disastrous relationships.

4) Stability for children, pets, cars etc. With two people looking after things, the chances of them going wrong are FAR less.

5) Women get to look FABULOUS, Men get WASTED.

6) Officially, it's easier for bureacracy to deal with you and be dealt with.

7) People get lonely. REAL lonely at times. People also die. That's when you know there's someone there who cares enough about you to deal with it.

It's a commitment, like owning a car or a house, to strive to improve your lot in life. It can go HUGELY wrong, but then...what can't?

I'll try to counter since I'm in the same position as you, but we're completely different people.

1. I have to say no. I don't see myself ever being 'lovestuck' or otherwise drunk in love. If I like someone enough to live with them forever, I would be in the same state of thought I always am. I'm actually scared of being in a state of reduced awareness/thought, its just an irrational fear of mine.

2. Yes it is more stable but obviously this is the exception since most people aren't good at supporting themselves let alone a partner. If someone married with money as their prime connection, it won't be like that later on when they get emotions into it.

3 and 4 are the same. Yes your life choices changes when you're married, since you have to care for other people. Of course people make mistakes or act stupid and end up with kids while single, so why do people divorce anyways?

5. But I don't drink :<

6. I think it's important for both people to be independent anyways, but that's a good point.

7. I've always seen a crippling need for human interaction as a weakness. People who think too much in the short term tend to want to be with someone and never consider when they'll leave (80% of all highschool relationships). as for that last bit, you don't need the love of one person to justify your existence. If you die alone, would you consider that you wasted your life because nobody cared? I don't think you should, since what other people think of you is only one thing out of many things to care about.

I'm a guy who always thinks about the future, so if something will inevitably go wrong, and it's considered normal for it to go wrong, then I have a problem with that. Just because everything might fail at one point doesn't mean you should be willing to lose it all when that actually happens.

 

[Darth Caelum]

-snip-

Ah! You're Back! Well, since i already told you my views on Love, i'll tell you my views on Marriage.
Several reasons. most of which have been said by root of all evil but hey! i'll say 'em again.

Love. Stability. Companionship.

People ALWAYS do things for selfish reasons, no exception. Marriage is simply another one, whether You don't want to be alone, You like that person, You desire her wealth is all irrelevant. The word You comes up in all of them.

But just because they ARE selfish does not mean they are a bad thing.

[sub] Also, still haven't found love, eh?[/sub]

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

You don't understand marriage because you think it's about you and your spouse. It's not. It's about the children you plan to have together. Ideally, once you take that leap, you no longer focus on your own happiness. You shift to a supportive role as provider for your offspring. This includes the creation of a stable, nurturing home environment.

There's really no denying that divorce severely compromises this dynamic for the children. The parents can certainly compensate and adapt, but it's never going to be ideal after the separation. The kids can still mature and develop into perfectly well-adjusted adults, but studies show the odds are better for those who come from intact families.

Anyways, divorce has become commonplace because we live in an age of relative selfishness. People aren't willing to ride out or suppress marital strife for the good of their children anymore. We see marriage, now, as the natural progression of any extended monogamous relationship - and it's broken just as easily. Not going to pass any judgement on this trend.