Marriage

[Flutterguy]

So this is something that has bothered me since childhood and I felt like venting..

Why. Why. WHY does marriage matter? So insecure in your own relationship you force your friends to all come say how wonderful your relationship? Even select your best friends to be 'bestman or bestwoman' pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars because you have to fulfill your egotistical fantasy? I'm supposed to idolize this? My relationship is somehow less important? It's OK to abandon someone because you don't have a ring... what kind of symbol-minded crap is that?!

 

[Barbas]

I don't see the point of it, other than funding somebody's quaint ideals and businesses. If love does indeed conquer all, it shouldn't be hindered by a few antiquated institutions.

 

[BiscuitTrouser]

Marriage is:

An occasion like a birthday or christmas where we spend money on things that are, from a rational standpoint, stupid as fuck to feel good.

Spoiler

I mean specifically locating and harvesting a tree based on its seasonal usage of sap to prevent leaf freezing as opposed to those who shed leaves and withdraw nutrients?! WHY?! How odd! And people spend a lot of money on these, along with a series of balls constructed only from the most opaque and fragile glass, useless for containing even the tiniest bit of liquid!

We do it because our culture assigns times to feel good and indulge in feelings we as a people find admirable and enjoyable. For christmas its love toward eachother and a feeling of family togetherness. We represent this in a weird way, the "ideal" christmas is a tree and christmas dinner themed family occasion.

For marriage its love. Equally as weird of a ritual but a ritual to celebrate something worthwhile.

Marriage is a bit of fun where you gather those closest to you and ASK (not force) them to come and celebrate the fact you are happy. I was REALLY happy to be invited to my uncles wedding. I love my uncle.

Marriage is something a couple can do to reinforce their love with a bizare ritual. Ive been in relationships where we had weird little habits to reinforce our relationship. Doing certain things on certain days and things. Marriage is like one of those that everyone else can be in on. And thats nice!

I LIKE fancy dinners.

I LIKE eating cake!

I like having a great party with my close friends where we all get really drunk in a venue of my choice listening to music of my choice!

Marriage is NOT:

The end point of all romantic relationships.

"proof" of anything.

A reason to show off.

 

[Illesdan]

I've been married happily for going on thirteen years now. We didn't round everyone up and shove our happiness down their throat. In fact, we just applied for a marriage licence, waited three days, grabbed a couple of friends to be witnesses, and just got married by a judge. Everything total was 250 dollars, back in 2001, that is.

And, actually, it IS okay to walk out on someone if you aren't married. Morally, you suck if you do this, but in the eyes of the law, there is nothing keeping you legally and financially bound to another individual if you aren't married. This is why gays have been fighting for the right to be married, because if something happens to your 'significant other' they have no rights or say in what happens to them if they cannot speak or take care of themselves.

As for the 'Why?' of being married; it's not for everyone. You sound like you've been brainwashed to believe that getting married means big churches, fancy rings, expensive clothes and starting wedded bliss in debt. That's materialistic and stupid. Marriage is about love and being in love with someone special, saying that 'this person is who I want to be with forever.' Granted, you don't have to be married to say this; I've known of people who have been together for years without being married. But I also know they did so out of tax/legal reasons, as well.

 

[Caiphus]

Might want to put some sort of discussion value in there, OP.

People like marriages for any/all of the following reasons, and there will probably be more depending on the couple and circumstances:

- They were brought up their entire lives to value marriage.

- They love someone and want to celebrate that love.

- They want to share their relationship with their friends and family.

- Their chosen religion encourages it.

You might not agree with any of those. I personally don't want to have a large marriage, if I ever have one at all. But clearly some people do want one, and who are we to judge? I find it superbly ironic that you complain about people degrading your own unmarried relationships while you simultaneously degrade their married ones. If I were you, I would re-examine the actual reasons why you dislike marriage, or just write with more empathy next time.

 

[Ratty]

Marriage is NOT:

The end point of all romantic relationships.

"proof" of anything.

A reason to show off.

This is the one I usually see get people. Thinking marriage will solve any and all relationship problems. Getting married is exactly the wrong thing to do to try and "save" a relationship but people do it all the time. Brainwashed into believing "happily ever after" cliches I guess.

Marriage is a legal agreement most importantly. As Illesdan points out it guarantees the spouse certain important rights and privileges such as making decisions if there's an accident and one partner can't convey their wishes about medical care because they're say, unconscious. Not to mention the potential benefits to taxes/insurance etc.

 

[Flutterguy]

Marriage is NOT:

The end point of all romantic relationships.

"proof" of anything.

A reason to show off.

Well said, reasoning I lost after a pointless talk with a old friend this morning leading to my post. Essentially his reaction to an unfaithful girlfriend was to propose to her. I just..guuughhh! Why do people buy into the idea getting married or joining a club or finding god will somehow fix all their problems? Well i know the answer to that even.. fuck hope...

 

[krazykidd]

I don't believe in marriage . Actually i don't even believe in monogamy . I think marriage is an outdated concept kept for religious reasons. Actually , i'm surprised monogamy is still goong to strong with the rise of atheism.

It's funny, it's (almost) more socially acceptable to cheat on your partner than to by polyamourus. Oh well that's society for you.

 

[Stu35]

So this is something that has bothered me since childhood and I felt like venting..

Why. Why. WHY does marriage matter? So insecure in your own relationship you force your friends to all come say how wonderful your relationship? Even select your best friends to be 'bestman or bestwoman' pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars because you have to fulfill your egotistical fantasy? I'm supposed to idolize this? My relationship is somehow less important? It's OK to abandon someone because you don't have a ring... what kind of symbol-minded crap is that?!

*shrugs*

I dunno,

I suppose if I had to give a complete reason other than the mushy "I love her and want to spend my life with her" (which could be done without a legal contract). I suppose I'd say:

I got married because it's nice to have the government officially recognise that I'm in co-op mode for the remainder of this little game called life. It's a long old game, and it's nice to play it with someone else.

The wedding itself? Well that's just an excuse to throw a massive fucking piss up in somebody elses house.

As people have said above, A wedding does not equate to a Marriage. Contrary to what Romcoms teach you,. the wedding is not where the story ends.

If anything, it's the point where the prologue ends and the opening credits role, before you go on a really long, long, long journey.


Finally, and all silly, cheesy move/videogame metaphors aside: What the fuck is it to you how I choose to live my life?

 

[stroopwafel]

The mere idea of being bound by contract to another person gives me the creeps, so I don't think marriage is for me. I also don't believe 'romantic love' lasts forever, as it's not in people's nature to be monogamous for their entire life. I know this idea is re-inforced in popular culture/media and such but I don't think its realistic. Hence why many(most?) marriages end in divorce. Then again there are people who deeply care about eachother for years, sometimes their entire life. So who am I to judge? Those people are pretty lucky I guess.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

People like marriages for any/all of the following reasons, and there will probably be more depending on the couple and circumstances:

- They were brought up their entire lives to value marriage.

- They love someone and want to celebrate that love.

- They want to share their relationship with their friends and family.

- Their chosen religion encourages it.

You might not agree with any of those. I personally don't want to have a large marriage, if I ever have one at all. But clearly some people do want one, and who are we to judge? I find it superbly ironic that you complain about people degrading your own unmarried relationships while you simultaneously degrade their married ones. If I were you, I would re-examine the actual reasons why you dislike marriage, or just write with more empathy next time.

Pretty much this. I'm not really a fan for various personal reasons, but that's me. I appreciate that my reasons and my life outlook don't apply to everyone. If marriage is your thing, then go fill your boots. I can't claim to UNDERSTAND, necessarily, but I can still appreciate that you're all into it for symbolic or tradition reasons and be happy for you. You show my unmarried relationship respect, and I will return the favor.

And OP...you can "abandon" someone for any reasons you choose. Whether it's because you want to get married and they don't, or you want kids and they don't, or you want fucking Arby's and they never do. No one is obligated to maintain a relationship that no longer makes them happy, and divergence of opinion on major life goals like 'marriage' tend to be deal breakers more often than not.

 

[Smeatza]

snip

Because it's a public declaration of commitment. Public being the keyword.

You're asking the government and your community to acknowledge your relationship in public record.

There are benefits to this (more rights in regards to your partner, etc.) and there are cons (giving others the right to publicly judge you) but marriage isn't so much about love and emotion as it is about status and bureaucracy.

 

[Eamar]

I don't understand marriage either, and I have absolutely no desire to get married myself.

I'm an atheist, so I don't have the religious element to motivate me.

My feminism causes me to have some serious issues with various elements of the traditional ceremony and with the history of the institution.

But most of all, I just don't get it. It doesn't appeal to me at all. I also hate attending weddings.

None of that goes to say that I don't want to settle down with a partner or partners eventually. I just don't see myself getting married.

That said, if other people want to do it, go right on ahead. That's none of my business.

It's funny, it's (almost) more socially acceptable to cheat on your partner than to by polyamourus. Oh well that's society for you.

Also this. I know so many polyamorous people, but they way they have to hide it a lot of the time you'd think polyamory didn't exist. I've never been in a polyamorous relationship myself (I have been in an open relationship, but that's obviously not the same thing), but I'd certainly be open to it. No idea how I'd break it to family etc though.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

I don't like marriage either though on the upside at least you get legal bind on your partner's net worth and stand as prime benefactor upon death. If you're not married you don't get shit, which I imagine can be frustrating if you've been married to that person for decades.

 

[Raikas]

Might want to put some sort of discussion value in there, OP.

People like marriages for any/all of the following reasons, and there will probably be more depending on the couple and circumstances:

- They were brought up their entire lives to value marriage.

- They love someone and want to celebrate that love.

- They want to share their relationship with their friends and family.

- Their chosen religion encourages it.

Those are good, but I think you missed an important one: legal and financial.

If you're going to immigrate to live with a different-nationality partner, or go along with your partner on an expat assignment, it's much simpler to do if you're in a legally-recognized marriage (for some countries, not being married makes it impossible).

In countries without a public health system, being married can mean access to a partner's work-based benefits system.

If you want to pass your nationality along to your child and you're living overseas with a non-married, other-nationality partner, some countries require you to be married to your child's mother in order to get the kid your country's passport.

And then there's visiting your partner in the hospital, or being recognized as next-of-kin if they die and all that stuff. If you're somewhere with solid recognition of common law relationships you're okay on that front, but if you're not then you need to be married to be legally recognized as family.

 

[Riff Moonraker]

I've been married happily for going on thirteen years now. We didn't round everyone up and shove our happiness down their throat. In fact, we just applied for a marriage licence, waited three days, grabbed a couple of friends to be witnesses, and just got married by a judge. Everything total was 250 dollars, back in 2001, that is.

And, actually, it IS okay to walk out on someone if you aren't married. Morally, you suck if you do this, but in the eyes of the law, there is nothing keeping you legally and financially bound to another individual if you aren't married. This is why gays have been fighting for the right to be married, because if something happens to your 'significant other' they have no rights or say in what happens to them if they cannot speak or take care of themselves.

As for the 'Why?' of being married; it's not for everyone. You sound like you've been brainwashed to believe that getting married means big churches, fancy rings, expensive clothes and starting wedded bliss in debt. That's materialistic and stupid. Marriage is about love and being in love with someone special, saying that 'this person is who I want to be with forever.' Granted, you don't have to be married to say this; I've known of people who have been together for years without being married. But I also know they did so out of tax/legal reasons, as well.

Exactly this. I would imagine the reasons might vary depending on the person, but for me its a vow. A vow my wife and I took to say that we want to be together forever, and for us making that vow was something meaningful to the both of us, and was what we wanted. Its not for everyone, and not everyone is going to do it. But it almost comes off as insulting to people that have been married, with the way you worded it. Not that I care what anyone else thinks, as this was for my wife and I alone, but still...

 

[AngloDoom]

So this is something that has bothered me since childhood and I felt like venting..

Why. Why. WHY does marriage matter? So insecure in your own relationship you force your friends to all come say how wonderful your relationship? Even select your best friends to be 'bestman or bestwoman' pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars because you have to fulfill your egotistical fantasy? I'm supposed to idolize this? My relationship is somehow less important? It's OK to abandon someone because you don't have a ring... what kind of symbol-minded crap is that?!

Aside from the legal and financial perks that other people have mentioned previously, it's basically like giving flowers to someone x1000.

"Flowers?" you might say, "why spend money on flowers? Do flowers make your relationship more stable? Do flowers prevent the other person leaving? Are you so insecure in your relationship that you have to bribe the other person to stay with promises of more material reward?"

Except you probably wouldn't, because you probably understand that purely sentimental gestures are sometimes just as valuable as material reward.

 

[persephone]

Marriage has nothing to do with the changing the security of your relationship, or a big wedding party, or saying your relationship is more important than that of those who aren't married. Marriage is commitment, pure and simple -- vowing to one another that you'll never leave, and you'll support them no matter what.

We have a lot of cultural ideas of what a wedding is supposed to be, but they have nothing to do with marriage itself, and they're hardly necessary or important to a marriage.

Being married in the eyes of the law, of course, doesn't stop anyone from abandoning anyone else. But the way I see it, marriage isn't a legal or even cultural institution; it's a state of being, of being totally committed to one another. Sure, we have laws about it, but that's because we want the law to reflect reality, not for reality to reflect the law. It's just a good idea to have laws describing the benefits that spouses get. Having a ceremony, or even just getting a marriage certificate and going before a judge, isn't what makes you married; you and your spouse make you married, no matter what anyone else thinks.

 

[Yopaz]

There's taxes, inheritance, religion, you can't abandon/be abandoned as quickly, it's a symbol of love, it's a reason to have a part, it's a sign of trust, it pleases conservative family members and I am probably missing something here.

I am an atheist, I have no desire to ever get married, but there are benefits to it. There are of course downsides too and there are those who take it too far with the ceremony, but not all. My sister got married and the first time I heard about it was on Facebook when she posted the pictures. Not even my parents knew about it before she was married and my parents did the same.

 

[Weaver]

I'd marry just for the substantial tax benefits.