Moving on

[Beautiful Tragedy]

After 13 years of being with my wife (11 of which we were married-and technically we still are), how does one let go of the pain, the memories, and the heartache, and move on? I don't know how many people here have been with someone for that long, but i am asking those who have.

As many of you know I am a transwoman, and if you really know me, you know my wife was always my biggest advocate, and even pushed me into transitioning. Or rather insisted I do it for my own happiness and sanity. I have a trans friend who basically accused her of bailing on me because of it. He said "Trans people are hard to love".

I don't feel that has much if anything to do with it. We've been drifting apart for over a year now, but within the last 3 months or so it became apparent things were going to change drastically, and about a month ago she met someone else and fell in love. After she told me, she said she hadn't really felt in love with me for a few years, and told me that the more feminine i became the less attracted to me she became. I have told her repeatedly I want to remain friends, I still love her and care for her deeply, but i know it's time to let go and move on.

How? How do i (as my friend i spoke of above said) "Just do it"? The pain is still very real, and raw. I just can't shake it off... I know it's time to move on, and I am ready for a new life, but how do i let go? how do i not cling to the good times? and regret the bad?

thanks for anything you may have for me.

 

[Lethos]

I know this isn't going to be the answer you want, and I know it's a really cliché thing to say, but I'm afraid it's the truth. The only thing that mends a broken heart is time. How much time is dependent on the individual person, and I'm certain then when you're ready to go out into the world again it will help speed up the process, but really time is the only thing that will cure your pain.

So I guess the only thing I can suggest is that you live your life. The pain will go away with time, but don't let your life slip into a coma whilst you wait for that pain to go away. The worst thing you can do is just give up on trying to move on.

 

[hazabaza1]

Can't say I can really relate but I found that just completely drowning myself in media for a short duration helped. Maybe it was delaying the issue, maybe it did really help, but I've stopped concerning myself with the sadness that comes with it.

That being said your situation is a lot more extreme so it might only be helped by the passage of time.

 

[vento 231]

Time will help. What helped me after the end of a long term relationship was reminding myself that the two people who met so long ago don't exis anymore. They are dead, and what is left is nothing more than an identical twin, we may look similar to our old selves but we are completely different on the inside. I'm sorry for your loss, but she isn't the same person you used to know, and neither are you. Good luck.

 

[Vegosiux]

My last relationship lasted 7 years. It died after 5 years and lasted for 2 more. Today, 2 years after the final breakup, both me and her agree we should have broken up two years earlier. We're good friends these days, but we weren't until about half a year ago. Indeed, for a year and a half, we could not hear from each other without getting sick. But then, we moved on.

The only way to "move on" is to focus on yourself. Do things. Do whatever. Go out, get some fresh air. Do whatever you can do on your own, without your former SO factoring into the picture. Anything that's not "nothing", anything that is yours and yours alone.

It hurts. It's a drag. It's something unthinkable. How could you move on after all those years? Good lord, man, you're asking the impossible. But that's a stage you will need to go through. It will suck. You'll want to go back. You'll long for her, you'll miss her, you'll hate yourself for walking away. You're going to resent her for what you feel. But that is something you will get over, with time, as you rebuild your life. Nothing lasts forever, not even the feelings that kept two people together over a decade. But you're not going to "just do it". Recovery after such experience isn't overnight. It's a process, not an event. It's a trial, not a test.

When you lose what seems like half of your life...well, I'm not sure what to say. But give it time. Force yourself to focus. Force yourself to just think of other things, to put your mind to things she's not part of. I'm not sure how to say it. I'm not sure how I got through it myself. Still. Just...Do not let go of the memories. They're part of you. That's something you need to accept. Leave the baggage behind, yes, but not the memories. I mean, I still remember all our good times together...and I smile when I do. It takes time, but remember, what you will always have, is you.

Well, hang in there.

And feel free to PM me if you feel I need to clear this up for you.

 

[Beautiful Tragedy]

Thanks you all for your help in this matter... there's MUCH more under the surface to this story (that I don't want to get into on a public forum), but thank you all very much!

I am diving headlong in my hobbies (working on my graphic novel, writing and refining my mini battles rules)... and I am moving in a few weeks so packing with become a priority...

thank god for auto spell check on chrome or this would be a mess LMAO YUM! love me some Bacardi.



EDIT:

Thanks again for all the words of advice, and support... I have gotten VERY close with a good friend of mine and she has been an incredible inspiration, and a goddess send. Thank you SO much for all your love and compassion...you know who you are.

 

[Beautiful Tragedy]

Ok one last update...lol

I am moving in a couple of weeks, and a week after that I am going to LA for a few days to visit a bunch of friends from FB, and to see the girl I edited into my last post.. I am really excited for my life these days

 

[Super Kami Guru]

Glad hear things are getting better for you.

It's very hard to be friends with someone you love, I did try to stay friends with my ex even though I still loved her, she was my best friend as well and I didn't want to lose, but things quickly went south, she would get angry at me for little things, turns out she had been cheating on me and had actually left me for this guy.

Unfortunately you really need cut ties with the person, there's no need to block off all contact, but you need to break the emotional dependancy, it nearly destroyed me.

 

[Beautiful Tragedy]

Glad hear things are getting better for you.

It's very hard to be friends with someone you love, I did try to stay friends with my ex even though I still loved her, she was my best friend as well and I didn't want to lose, but things quickly went south, she would get angry at me for little things, turns out she had been cheating on me and had actually left me for this guy.

Unfortunately you really need cut ties with the person, there's no need to block off all contact, but you need to break the emotional dependancy, it nearly destroyed me.

Interesting, because my Ex got ahold of me today, and we're going to go hang out on saturday, and get lunch and mani/pedis. We are going to try really hard to remain friends, and since it will be impossible for us to see each other (once i move) there won't be nearly as much tension... we both honestly want to make and effort...13 years is a LONG time.

edit: and it's a little challenging to cut ties when we still have divorce papers to file and what not... but yeah we won't be seeing each other if at all after I move.

 

[Super Kami Guru]

Interesting, because my Ex got ahold of me today, and we're going to go hang out on saturday, and get lunch and mani/pedis. We are going to try really hard to remain friends, and since it will be impossible for us to see each other (once i move) there won't be nearly as much tension... we both honestly want to make and effort...13 years is a LONG time.

edit: and it's a little challenging to cut ties when we still have divorce papers to file and what not... but yeah we won't be seeing each other if at all after I move.

It is do-able, remaining friends, but there needs to be no desire by either party to get back together and full disclosure about your current love life situations really, these 2 factors are what stopped me and my ex remaining friends. Of course now she's spreading the most vicious rumours about me it would be impossible.

Ultimately just follow your gut instinct, but be sure you don't want to remain friends in the hope that you would get back together

 

[Beautiful Tragedy]

Interesting, because my Ex got ahold of me today, and we're going to go hang out on saturday, and get lunch and mani/pedis. We are going to try really hard to remain friends, and since it will be impossible for us to see each other (once i move) there won't be nearly as much tension... we both honestly want to make and effort...13 years is a LONG time.

edit: and it's a little challenging to cut ties when we still have divorce papers to file and what not... but yeah we won't be seeing each other if at all after I move.

It is do-able, remaining friends, but there needs to be no desire by either party to get back together and full disclosure about your current love life situations really, these 2 factors are what stopped me and my ex remaining friends. Of course now she's spreading the most vicious rumours about me it would be impossible.

Ultimately just follow your gut instinct, but be sure you don't want to remain friends in the hope that you would get back together

Oh no... there's is NO WAY i would EVER, even if she came crawling back to me, would I want to be with her again... I won't get into it, as I would never desire to paint her in a negative light, but trust me, the love, and connection is gone. I still care deeply for her, and love her as a friend, but no way would I ever become romantically involved with her again.

The funny thing is, she has NO IDEA I have a girlfriend. BUT I hear about her boy friend all the time. It feels like she tried to rub it in that she's found someone who is more "physically" compatible with her. and honestly, at first, I felt disgusted by the details about her new sex life she gave out, it made me angry. But now I laugh and nod, and on the inside I think about my new girlfriend, and getting to see her in a few weeks (she lives in LA, and I am in Sacramento). When talks about him, it makes me realize how NOT connected to her emotionally I am now. lol Frankly I hope she finds love again, whether it's with him or someone else, but I just wish her all the happiness in the world.