MtG Players, I could use your help for a (godawful, terrible) new EDH deck.

[DarthCoercis]

Hey there fellow cardboard crack addicts, I could use your help.

I'm trying to build a gimmick deck for an upcoming silly night my gaming group is having, and I'm looking to build a 5-colour deck with nothing but the dumbest, stupidest and most terrible cards that wotc has ever printed.

I've already chosen Karona The False God as my commander (she's bloody terrible), so I need your suggestions for junk to fill my deck with. Anything from creatures to lands, as long as it's an utterly terrible card. The worst of the worst. I want the other players at my table scratching their heads and grunting like Tim Allen whenever I play a card.

The only rules that have been set is that cards from the banned list are obviously banned, as are cards from the Unglued/Unhinged sets.

Thanks in advance, Escapists!

-------[Edit]---------

Alrighty, so here's the decklist so far. I'm still a few cards short though, I need 1 spell (instant or artifact, though I'd prefer instants) and 1 land (preferably one that benefits my opponents or does something extremely pointless, like the ones that give coloured legendary creatures banding).

When I get home I'll find a way to link each card to gatherer or something so you can mouse-over to see the terribleness in all its "glory".

You may now witness the awfulness of this terrible deck in (almost) all its dubious glory.

I'm still open for suggestions, if you can think of cards that are even worse than the ones I've included (let me know which one/s I should swap for them too please).

Spoiler

Commander:
[mtg_card=Karona, False God]

Creatures:
[mtg_card=Chronatog]
[mtg_card=Balduvian Shaman]
[mtg_card=Veldrane of Sengir]
[mtg_card=Leveler]
[mtg_card=Orcish Artillery]
[mtg_card=Goldnight Castigator]
[mtg_card=Cromat]
[mtg_card=Electric Eel]
[mtg_card=Zur the Enchanter]
[mtg_card=Volcano Hellion]
[mtg_card=Scornful Egotist]
[mtg_card=Force of Nature]
[mtg_card=Personal Incarnation]
[mtg_card=Perplexing Chimera]
[mtg_card=Homarid]
[mtg_card=Laboratory Maniac]
[mtg_card=Phage the Untouchable]
[mtg_card=Fledgling Djinn]
[mtg_card=Aku Djinn]
[mtg_card=Minion of Tevesh Szat]
[mtg_card=Nameless Race]
[mtg_card=Witch-Maw Nephilim]
[mtg_card=Soldevi Steam Beast]
[mtg_card=Norin the Wary]
[mtg_card=Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir]

Artifacts:
[mtg_card=Knowledge Pool]
[mtg_card=Goblin Bomb]
[mtg_card=Goblin Lyre]
[mtg_card=Jinxed Idol]
[mtg_card=Jinxed Choker]
[mtg_card=Crown of Doom]
[mtg_card=Armageddon Clock]
[mtg_card=Rakalite]
[mtg_card=Psychogenic Probe]

Sorceries:
[mtg_card=Fiery Justice]
[mtg_card=Enter the Infinite]
[mtg_card=Mana Clash]
[mtg_card=Flame Rift]
[mtg_card=Hellfire]
[mtg_card=Dubious Challenge]
[mtg_card=Trait Doctoring]
[mtg_card=Madcap Experiment]
[mtg_card=Devastating Summons]
[mtg_card=Goblin Game]
[mtg_card=Bond of Agony]
[mtg_card=Last Stand]
[mtg_card=Scrambleverse]

Instants:
[mtg_card=Malicious Advice]
[mtg_card=One with Nothing]
[mtg_card=Mudhole]
[mtg_card=Slaughter Pact]
[mtg_card=Fateful Showdown]

Enchantments:
[mtg_card=Confusion in the Ranks]
[mtg_card=Screams of the Damned]
[mtg_card=Splintering Wind]
[mtg_card=Necropotence]
[mtg_card=Divine Intervention]
[mtg_card=The Cheese Stands Alone]
[mtg_card=Light of Day]
[mtg_card=Snowfall]
[mtg_card=Reckless Assault]
[mtg_card=Demonic Pact]
[mtg_card=Possibility Storm]
[mtg_card=Illusions of Grandeur]
[mtg_card=Orcish Mine]

Land:
[mtg_card=Contested War Zone]
[mtg_card=Cabal Pit]
[mtg_card=Tarnished Citadel]
[mtg_card=Sorrow's Path]
[mtg_card=Forbidden Orchard]
[mtg_card=City of Brass]
[mtg_card=Mana Confluence]
[mtg_card=Halls of Mist]
[mtg_card=Adventurers' Guildhouse]
[mtg_card=Cathedral of Serra]
[mtg_card=Seafarer's Quay]
[mtg_card=Unholy Citadel]
[mtg_card=Mountain Stronghold]
[mtg_card=Barbarian Ring]
[mtg_card=Centaur Garden]
[mtg_card=Brushland]
[mtg_card=Karplusan Forest]
[mtg_card=Yavimaya Coast]
[mtg_card=Llanowar Wastes]
[mtg_card=Adarkar Wastes]
[mtg_card=Underground River]
[mtg_card=Nomad Stadium]
[mtg_card=Madblind Mountain]
[mtg_card=Piranha Marsh]
[mtg_card=Snow-covered Island] x1
[mtg_card=Snow-covered Mountain] x1
[mtg_card=Snow-covered Plains] x1
[mtg_card=Snow-covered Forest] x1
[mtg_card=Snow-covered Swamp] x1
[mtg_card=Island] x1
[mtg_card=Mountain] x1
[mtg_card=Plains] x1
[mtg_card=Forest] x1
[mtg_card=Swamp] x1

So after several playtest games with a few friends, I can report that this godawful deck can actually pull off a win. I got my arse handed to me several times, as expected, and caused quite a number of headaches (also as expected). However, I managed to pull off draws twice thanks to Divine Intervention, a win with that hilarious Cheese combo that Randomosity suggested, and a single win with Leveler/Laboratory Maniac. Overall though, it was an incredibly fun deck to play, and we all had a great time. The games that it was built for happen this weekend coming, so I'll update this post after then.

--------

Soooo... yeah. As expected, I got completely annihilated. Barely got to play any of my cards and didn't get to make anyone's head explode. This was due, in great part, to 2 of the group not understanding the term "gimmick" and building elf/infect decks. Frankly, those two almost ruined the entire thing.

A few of us got together for drinks and games after the "official" tournie, and things went a lot better. I pulled off a shock win against a "seafood" deck (everything was a fish, squid or other form of sea-life), a squirrel deck and a deck based around Wheel of Fortune (almost every card had a similar effect).

All in all, the later, "unofficial" games that a few of us played over beers and pizza were a lot more fun, as it was only those of us who understood the concept of "silly gimmick" playing. The "official" games were pretty much a waste of time.

Once again, thank you to everyone who made suggestions and helped me build my ridiculously bad deck. I genuinely love it, and have no plans to break it down. I will even play it from time to time in the groups' regular games of commander, just because it's so stupidly entertaining and amusing.

 

[Saltyk]

Aw. No Unglued? I was gonna suggest Cheatyface and Ashnod's Coupon.

 

[Souplex]

Leveler: Good luck using it without killing yourself:
http://magiccards.info/query?q=leveler&v=card&s=cname
Possessed Portal: Not actually a bad card, but the game just sort of starts counting down.
http://magiccards.info/5dn/en/144.html
More as I think of them.
Battle of Wits
Aggressive Mining
Manabarbs
Worldfire
Possibility Storm
Jinxed Idol
Enter the Infinite
Volatile rig
Contested Warzone

 

[Hawk of Battle]

Leveler: Good luck using it without killing yourself:
http://magiccards.info/query?q=leveler&v=card&s=cname
Possessed Portal: Not actually a bad card, but the game just sort of starts counting down.
http://magiccards.info/5dn/en/144.html
More as I think of them.
Battle of Wits
Aggressive Mining
Manabarbs
Worldfire
Possibility Storm
Jinxed Idol
Enter the Infinite
Volatile rig
Contested Warzone

Erm, he asked for bad cards, why are you suggesting Enter the Infinite?


ot; So,a while ago there was a thread over on No Gobllins Allowed that was a deck building challenge based around creating the worst, most unplayable deck imaginable. Thread here; http://forum.nogoblinsallowed.com/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=15876 People came up with some impressively bad stuff.

I made 3 progressively more terrible decks for it myself;
http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/crapwalker/
http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/crapwalker-ver2-electric-boogaloo/
http://tappedout.net/mtg-decks/crapwalker-3-crap-harder/

I think the only card that's actually edh playable among them was probably Kruphix. Obviously in edh many of these cards are even worse than normal. Hopefully this should give you a good basis for truly goddawful cards, though I can't imagine it'll be much fun to play with.


Of course, if you want something that like, actually does stuff and isn't completely unfun to play with then you might just want to look into some sort of pillowfort/taxes/group hug strategy. Throw in every propaganda/ghosty prison/sphere of safety/solitary confinement/norns annex variant you can to make people stop attacking you, use mana barbs to hurt everyone when they tap for anything, howling mine/fevered visions/dictate of kruphix/Jace Beleren/wheel of fortune to make everyone draw more cards, then make it so that drawing cards hurts everyone with things like Nekusar/fate unraveler and such. Sit and laugh.

Alternatively you could just run an insane chaos build, with things like scrambleverse, warp world, possibility storm, etc. (Not, if you run possibility storm, you MUST also run knowledge pool AND Teferi, Mage of Zalfir, the possibility of making it so every spell cast is exiled forever is too good to miss.)

 

[Souplex]

Leveler: Good luck using it without killing yourself:
http://magiccards.info/query?q=leveler&v=card&s=cname
Possessed Portal: Not actually a bad card, but the game just sort of starts counting down.
http://magiccards.info/5dn/en/144.html
More as I think of them.
Battle of Wits
Aggressive Mining
Manabarbs
Worldfire
Possibility Storm
Jinxed Idol
Enter the Infinite
Volatile rig
Contested Warzone

Erm, he asked for bad cards, why are you suggesting Enter the Infinite?

A card that unless properly built around is very likely to kill its user?
Mostly I suggested things that aren't good or bad, they just change the table dynamic a lot.

 

[9tailedflame]

Oh man, theres an entire youtube series about this. Look up wirst cards ever from the mana source youtube channel. theyre so incredibly bad!

 

[deleted+75193]

DELETED

 

[DarthCoercis]

*snip*

I know, I'm really disappointed about the ban on Un sets too. I might be able to get away with Cheatyface though, thanks to his ability. I can also probably get away with using "The Cheese Stands Alone", since it got reprinted as a real card with just a different name and art.

Some great suggestions there, cheers!

*snip*

I've been reading those links you provided and am getting some inspiration from them. Thank you!

*snip*

I'd never heard of them before, but I've got them on my "to watch when I get home" list. Cheers for cluing me in to them.

*snip*

Ahahahahahahaha, perfect! That's exactly the sort of terrible card I'm looking for. He's in. Thanks!

 

[RaikuFA]

Mishra is useless in EDH. All you're getting is a 4/4 that costs 4.

 

[Hawk of Battle]

*snip*

I know, I'm really disappointed about the ban on Un sets too. I might be able to get away with Cheatyface though, thanks to his ability. I can also probably get away with using "The Cheese Stands Alone", since it got reprinted as a real card with just a different name and art.

Some great suggestions there, cheers!

*snip*

I've been reading those links you provided and am getting some inspiration from them. Thank you!

*snip*

I'd never heard of them before, but I've got them on my "to watch when I get home" list. Cheers for cluing me in to them.

*snip*

Ahahahahahahaha, perfect! That's exactly the sort of terrible card I'm looking for. He's in. Thanks!

Oh and you definitely need to post the decklist and give us a full report after. I've never seen an edh deck designed to be intentionally this bad.

 

[DarthCoercis]

Oh and you definitely need to post the decklist and give us a full report after. I've never seen an edh deck designed to be intentionally this bad.

Absolutely. I assume that I'm going to completely murdered in every game, but it should be highly amusing up until that point.

 

[Hawk of Battle]

Oh and you definitely need to post the decklist and give us a full report after. I've never seen an edh deck designed to be intentionally this bad.

Absolutely. I assume that I'm going to completely murdered in every game, but it should be highly amusing up until that point.

If your deck does enough nothing you could also throw in a Necropotence just so you can draw all the nothing at once and presumably end your own suffering quicker should the need arise.

 

[DarthCoercis]

If your deck does enough nothing you could also throw in a Necropotence just so you can draw all the nothing at once and presumably end your own suffering quicker should the need arise.

That's a damn good idea. Maybe that wizard who makes you draw your entire deck at once too.

 

[Choppaduel]

You could always try to implement the glorious and incredibly overpowered turbo great wall combo in EDH.

http://www.essentialmagic.com/Decks/View.asp?ID=170272

Make sure you read the "how it works" section at the bottom of the page.

 

[Imre Csete]

Coin flip cards for maximum lulz, like Boompile or Goblin Bomb.

Troll multiplayer cards that can be passed back and forth, like Jinxed Choker or Crown of Doom.

Or if you want to be that guy and waste everyone's time: Thieves' Auction is the best card for that.

 

[DarthCoercis]

You could always try to implement the glorious and incredibly overpowered turbo great wall combo in EDH.

Unfortunately, a great many of those cards are banned in EDH/Commander. A lot of them are also way outside of my purchasing capabilities (all 5 moxes, library of alexandria and a lotus? bloody hell).

The Chronatog and Balduvian Shaman definitely fit in the deck though! Thanks for sharing.

*snip*

Ooh, those are good. Thieves Auction I think might get a chair thrown at me, but those other 4 are great ideas. Cheers!

 

[Imre Csete]

Ooh, those are good. Thieves Auction I think might get a chair thrown at me, but those other 4 are great ideas. Cheers!

If you want to double down on coin flips, run Chance Encounter [http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=29978 ] with Impulsive Maneuvers [http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=31787] for the most deserving wincondition Magic rules allow.

Just lean back and watch the tables fly.

 

[ccggenius12]

Mishra is useless in EDH. All you're getting is a 4/4 that costs 4.

Actually, he combos with Blood Funnel to make your artifacts cost 2 less and be uncounterable.

OT: needs more Goblin Game, Madblind Mountain, and Psychogenic Probe, among other things.

BTW, Karona got a lot better with the printing of all those cards that buff enchanted/equipped creature in exchange for it being unable to attack you. I'd argue Atogatog does less while being more awesome, and Child of Alara literally does nothing as long as you keep putting it back in the commander zone.

 

[DarthCoercis]

win condition

The deck's not really supposed to have any of those, to be honest, unless you count making my group's heads explode as they try to figure out what the hell kind of deck I built and wtf is with all the god-awful cards. That's why the only thing in it that is (technically) even close to a win condition is Divine Favor.

Goblin Game, Madblind Mountain, and Psychogenic Probe.

I love all of those, they're in. Btw, the art on Child of Alara is creepy as hell.

 

[TyrunnAlberyn]

The first thing I thought of when I saw your thread was indeed Goblin Game, which has already been mentioned (Goblin Game [http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?name=goblin+game]).

On the creature side you still seem to be missing Volcano Hellion [http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=126303], which totally allows you to blow yourself up quickly.

To make everyone else lose as well as yourself there's also Bond of Agony [http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=107306].

As for the land you're still looking for, you could always target yourself with Piranha Marsh [http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=169975].