My best friend asked for space?

[Beautiful End]

I like to talk about videogames mostly but I need advice or an outside's input. Any will do.

I met my best friend about a year ago in college. After we stopped being roommates at school, we decided to get our own apartment and hit the city since we were passionate about the same careers. Its hard for me to make friends, REALLY hard, so I consider myself lucky to have such a great friend. Hes more social and has plenty of friends. My friend seems to like me the same. We always hang out together, even got a job together at the same place and we always have a blast. Since we live and work together, I try to give him some space. I go to my room and do my own thing but he's the one that seeks me out. He comes to my room and plays around, he asks me to go places with him and so on. I don't mind, though. I love the fact that someone enjoys my company so much, in fact.

We both fight from time to time and we're very prideful but we always try to work things out in our own way. But last week he came home and was upset about his car or something. He started being rude and I asked him to calm down and take his anger out somewhere else (normally I suck it up and let him rant and give him space or if I did something wrong, I don't even fight back but I didn't do anything this time and I wasn't up for it) so he locked himself in his room and never came back out. He seemed upset for the next following days, often ignoring me. When I confronted him about it, he said he was just tired of always hanging out together (people think we're brothers) and he needed some space. I understand where he's coming from but...I feel like I was the one always giving him space and I dont know where this came from! He's a wonderful person and the only true best friend I've ever had. My friends are miles away but his friends are just an hour away. I know the solution is "find new friends" but its really hard to find people I can relate to and I don't want a replacement, I want my friend back. It kills me because I'm afraid he finally got tired of me. I might be exaggerating but it's depressing me a lot and I don't what to do.

I don't know why he's acting like this and I'm afraid after all we've gone through, its over. We had dreams and plans for the future and I'm scared this new mentally will get rid of them.

Tl; dr: best friend/roommate asked for space, I don't know why.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

I think you need to talk it out.

And I mean, the both of you sit down and just talk things out. He might be super stressed out on things, and you just happen to be there for him to take out his frustration out on. Probably soon before things get way out of hand and you both have lost sight of the real problem. Also, just let him talk. From what I understand from what you've said you've been doing that, so that's a good start. Find the time where you both have hours to spare and get to the bottom of it.

Above all, be a very good listener and a good friend. If you two are really that close then he might feel embarrassed for taking things out on you and is too scared to admit it. It happens more than you think.

Just don't waste time and let this destroy a friendship. Talk to him as soon as you can and see if you really can salvage the friendship you have now. There's nothing worse than letting a good friend die over a perceived wrong.

 

[Beautiful End]

Well, I did text him and said I didnt care what was the issue or what was going on but I was willing to pretend everything was fine (no resentment, no questions, no awkwardness). And then he said he just needed space and was tired of being always with me 24/7 and that I should go out and do my own things.

I don't wanna talk to him about it just yet out of fear that I'll push him away (he did say he needed space). I am trying to do things on my own but I am just not in the mood after this. On the other hand, he's going to the movies by himself, planning a trip to visit a cousin and go to a concert atthe same time, etc. I....just wish I would know what to do...so I could also try new things? This is killing my mood.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

Well, then at this point I would respect his wishes and give him some space.

He might need time to think about all that's happened, and have some alone time. I would wait until he reaches out first since he's the one setting the tone of the whole thing. Also, you guys did everything together, so he might want to do things by himself. It might not even be intentional, but he might need the space to figure things out when you're not around.

So, give him time. In the mean time, I would suggest you just hang back and clear your thoughts. Do something you like, go for a walk, or even do something different. Try to separate yourself from these strong emotions since it might ruin things in the future, and trust me, it's not going to be easy doing this.

He asked for space, so give him some. He might come around and talk to you once he's figured things out.

 

[Beautiful End]

Thanks so much for the advice. It does make sense when tou put it like that. Please, if anyone else also has some input about this, please let me know!

Also, I want to show my friend that whatever he's going through, I'll be here for him I think he knows this since I HAVE always been there for him over the year and a half we've known each other. There for a random phone call at midnight, for school issues, for ranting, etc. But again, I fear at this point even a simple text might set things up again. I just want to let him know somehow that when he's ready to move on, I'll be there for him. Any advices?

 

[Jack24]

It sounds like he already knows that so I don't think you need to text or anything. Did you say you live together? Then you're not going anywhere and I'd just do what he wants and give him space. Let him work it out in his own time, there's no rush.
Go to the cinema on your own, go to the gym, whatever you feel comfortable doing by yourself. It's not a bad thing for you to try to not be so dependent on him anyway, what if either of you met someone? What would happen if he was in a relationship and eventually wanted to live with this person instead of you?
It sounds a bit like you've become quite reliant on him, which is natural, you were roommates together at college, it sounds very comfortable and familiar. You need to take it slow now and find your own way a little bit. Seeing you with a bit more independence will probably be good for him.
But give him time to work through whatever he's going through and don't text him or push him in any way. He knows youre there, let him come to you.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well you sound like an old married couple...
And it's not always easy to put up with someone 24/7, the problems build up, resentment sets in and you just generally get sick of the same damn shit every day. I had a similar sort of non stop friend/roommate setup and by the end of it I just hated seeing his face, so I moved away when the opportunity came and now I enjoy his occasional company very much again.

Chewing the same damn meal each and every day for years on end is just not healthy to anyone's sanity.

 

[Beautiful End]

Well, I think he might have met someone too. Something that I always encouraged him to do too. My guess is that he's acting that way because of this new person, who I kinda know and seemed pretty nice. Everyone knows he's dating now, apparently. Everyone but me because he hasn't told me up front. I don't need for him to come tell me every single thing that happens to him and I wouldn't mind doing things on my own but right now, I am so hurt that doing things on my own is purely out of spite. It is actually. I just wish we'd be in ok terms so I could also move on feeling better about it. And I also don't want to give up on this friendship just because he's acting weird...

Edit: he recently texted me and apologized for his behavior saying he knew he was being mean. He dropped a gift by my room only to turn around and continued acting the exact same way. I thought it was a white flag coming from him but guess I was wrong. I'm so confused. ..

 

[Blitsie]

It looks like the push-pull effect is in motion here. Basically he is pulling back a bit and just wants to take a break from you (not that its a bad thing hey, people can't always be constantly around each other) and you, noticing this sudden lack of usual attention and all that, are starting to obviously stress about it expecting the worst and will of course try to get things back to normal by being around him even more, suffocating him in the end essentially.

Don't worry so much man Chill! I really think space is just all he needs and doubt there's anything more to it (and if there is he will tell you in due time I bet) and after a few days things will start normalizing again, just go do your own thing and enjoy the alone time yourself. Don't actively avoid him of course, just go on like you normally would, it sounds like you generally do your own thing anyway while he's the one usually popping up planning to do things together so it wouldn't be too hard.

EDIT: Just saw your new post, so you think its the new girlfriend that's having him act weird? Wonder why he also didn't tell you about it yet. But regardless, hang back for a few days and if things don't get better then sit down and discuss things with him.

Aaand just saw your edit, that's... very odd of him. If you can, wait it out a bit still and see how things go, I think any kind of confrontation now will just end in a loop where he'll say "because I need space, I told you already" and just have you feeling even worse and him acting more off.

 

[Beautiful End]

It looks like the push-pull effect is in motion here. Basically he is pulling back a bit and just wants to take a break from you (not that its a bad thing hey, people can't always be constantly around each other) and you, noticing this sudden lack of usual attention and all that, are starting to obviously stress about it expecting the worst and will of course try to get things back to normal by being around him even more, suffocating him in the end essentially.

Don't worry so much man Chill! I really think space is just all he needs and doubt there's anything more to it (and if there is he will tell you in due time I bet) and after a few days things will start normalizing again, just go do your own thing and enjoy the alone time yourself. Don't actively avoid him of course, just go on like you normally would, it sounds like you generally do your own thing anyway while he's the one usually popping up planning to do things together so it wouldn't be too hard.

Oh, funny you should say this! Maybe you can give me advice about what to do, man.

I do my own thing. It's not a lot; wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. When I go home, I just relax and watch TV, something we both did all the time because we'd be tired from work and just want to relax. I still do this in hopes he will join me in the living room but he comes straight from work and runs to his room, locks himself in and never comes out. I still cook dinner for myself and normally he would join me and ask for a share. Nowadays, I still have some food in the fridge in case he gets hungry (I don't offer him food personally, I just leave it there hoping he'll eat some) but he doesn't even eat anything. In fact, our food is rotting away. He avoids me as I try to act casual about everything. When he apologized for his behavior, I decided to completely step out of the picture and let him come to me if he needs me. So now I hide in my room if he is, let's say, home before me watchjng TV in the living room. I don't want to just go and join him like that because i don't know if he wants me to join him or did it because i wasn't home and took advantage of it or whatever. So nowadays, we both avoid each other but I don't know if I'm making things better or worse. ..

 

[Beautiful End]

Oh, not at all. I love him like a brother, that's all. He hasn't had an easy life and turns out we've had similar rough times in the past before we met. Im older and I wish someone could have been with me through those rough times. I just want to see him happy. Heck, I even encourage him to go out on dates. I will admit I do see him as a younger brother who I must look after but because i want to, even if he didnt ask for it (although in my defense, he doesn't mind. He asks me to help him when he's sick, has problems at school, he can't find his keys, etc. Stuff that if it happened to me, I would handle myself...like finding my car keys).

 

[Blitsie]

Well it sounds like you are indeed giving him space which is good How's things been going lately?

It sounds like something is really bothering him though, I mean, why else would he always lock himself up in his room like that. It sounds like he won't open up about whats up though, can you maybe ask one of his friends if they know whats going on?

 

[Beautiful End]

Well it sounds like you are indeed giving him space which is good How's things been going lately?

It sounds like something is really bothering him though, I mean, why else would he always lock himself up in his room like that. It sounds like he won't open up about whats up though, can you maybe ask one of his friends if they know whats going on?

Well, I was thinking of asking one of their relatives. Their relatives love me and even call me "adopted son". I know he talks to them quite often but...I fear that if he finds outI'm snooping around, he might take it as me being pushy and basically not giving him space, even if my intentions are good. Also, I don't wanna turn this into something bigger than it is. Maybe their relatives don't know anything about our situation; that seems likely. And by bringing them into this, things might get worse.

I'm doing slightly better, thanks so much for asking. I am following your advice about the push-pull situation and trying to do better. I admit I looked like shit this past week because Im depressed about it but Im trying to look at least ok now. I am trying to do my own things but it still really hurts to see my best friend at work or walk to his room and not being able to approach him or always wonder if today is the day things will get better or if I should give him more space or try and get involved. I guess time will tell....although I'm still very confused about the situation. ..

 

[Blitsie]

Hrmmm... Good point, don't want to blow things up bigger than they are.

I understand the confusion, jumping from being quite close to this in such a short time is quite jarring, happened with me and my ex, she went from quite loving to ice cold queen for absolutely no reason at all (still don't know why to this day) and ended up having a miserable two weeks afterwards were my every effort was shot down and I tried harder as she got colder, turns out if I was more chill about things it would've still ended, but not as badly as it did haha. But anyway this is not too relevant, this is a close friendship between proper bro's which is much easier than romantic relationships.

Its nearly been a full week now, I think its about time you start approaching him again, just be chilled, casually greet him and ask how his day was and all that, small talk you know, and see how things go from there. You definitely should try to do more separate things though, taking up a hobby that has you going out or joining some martial arts or sports place is quite good. Working at the same place and staying at the same place is quite a lot even if you give him space where you can, the extra bit of separation also does wonders anyway.

You should definitely talk to him sometime this week though if things still don't get better, and be sure to straight up tell him that this is also badly affecting you too, because ultimately its not just him in this friendship, its you too and how you feel matters.

And don't follow my advice too closely of course You are the one here who ultimately knows him best so be sure to follow your gut feel now and then and do what you personally feel is right.

Best of luck man!

 

[Beautiful End]

Hrmmm... Good point, don't want to blow things up bigger than they are.

I understand the confusion, jumping from being quite close to this in such a short time is quite jarring, happened with me and my ex, she went from quite loving to ice cold queen for absolutely no reason at all (still don't know why to this day) and ended up having a miserable two weeks afterwards were my every effort was shot down and I tried harder as she got colder, turns out if I was more chill about things it would've still ended, but not as badly as it did haha. But anyway this is not too relevant, this is a close friendship between proper bro's which is much easier than romantic relationships.

Its nearly been a full week now, I think its about time you start approaching him again, just be chilled, casually greet him and ask how his day was and all that, small talk you know, and see how things go from there. You definitely should try to do more separate things though, taking up a hobby that has you going out or joining some martial arts or sports place is quite good. Working at the same place and staying at the same place is quite a lot even if you give him space where you can, the extra bit of separation also does wonders anyway.

You should definitely talk to him sometime this week though if things still don't get better, and be sure to straight up tell him that this is also badly affecting you too, because ultimately its not just him in this friendship, its you too and how you feel matters.

And don't follow my advice too closely of course You are the one here who ultimately knows him best so be sure to follow your gut feel now and then and do what you personally feel is right.

Best of luck man!

Hey, and I appreciate the concern. I just needed someone else's input because I still can't quite understand whats going on. But yeah, I should try and approach him...if he lets me. He just avoids me at any given moment so it makes it harder for me to try and start something if he won't give me a chance. I am trying to do new things on my own and whatnot so...hopefully things will get better soon...

 

[rutger5000]

Wait it out for a month, if there are still troubles afterwards talk to him about it. Getting new friends is not the solution.