My Ex-Girlfriend is making me sick... physically, need help.

[BonsaiK]

Let me set the scenario: When I was 13, I met my first girlfriend, and for a time, it was good. Five years later, having experienced many things (first kiss, similar family issues, even losing our virginites to one another), a situation came up and needless to say, we broke up.

It's been two long years, and now she's married, and I'm just adjusting to the idea of even thinking about girls again. Within those two years, I've spoke to her about six times. I can't get over her, even those she has gotten over me (At least that's what she says).

Of course, she was my first, and everytime I saw her in public, my stomach would ache, but if she spoke to me, even for a second, I'd melt like butter, even if it ended that I stew in my self hatred (I have self esteem issues). As far as it goes, I listen to love songs a lot more often and I'm a bitter bastard at everything, mostly.

Well, the last time my Ex spoke to me was a few months ago, and that was for about 15 minutes. Coming to recent times, she called my cell phone telling me that she was thinking of starting up college and wanted some help with classes.

Having not heard her voice for months, and slowly trying to get over her, my stomach feels like it did when I had an ulcer, I was shaking (like when you come down really sick), and I'm melancholy, to say the least.

Here is my issue: I'm a nice guy, if you insult me, I'd probably laugh, and if you maliciously attack me, I'll pretty much do nothing. When we broke up, I went on Myspace and told everybody that any plans to get married (in 2010) was called off, and that even though I was upset with her, I told everybody not to insult her; if they were my friends, they wouldn't. So far, they haven't (to my knowledge).

To my dilemma: What do I do? Everytime I think of her or talk to her, I get physically sick (I almost threw up this afternoon) and I become an A-hole, but I still love her and I don't want to be rude to her.

Can anyone suggest ideas for me on how to handle this, or maybe it might be a good time to vent about your ex, I just need some help, you are my family (I'd call you guys family, you all are more than just friends to me), can anyone help me?

Thanks to FlyAwayAutumn for alerting me to this thread. Mind you, I'm not sure how neccessary my advice is as I'm basically just agreeing with most posters here.

Answered anyway in the Relationship Problem thread at the following link ----> http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161-Relationship-problem-thread?page=54#8873166

 

[Nikolaz72]

I know this sounds stupid, but when i feel bad i try to think about something really really funny. The dead terrorist is pretty good, and on the second list are some jokes i've used to/with my friends and third is some different experiences i've had in my life thats so sad that it makes you laugh. This could help fix the sickness. Ofcourse you WOULD have to come out laughing before puking, about then its too late.

Second. Maybe you should start trying to make friends (With her if possible), dont have a lot of experience on the point but cutting people off completely trying to forget the times you had together just sounds sad to me. Maybe the reason for forgetting is because you get sick when you think of even the good ones. But im sure that while the sickness is possible to cure its not always possible to get back things you lost.

Live your life while you have it, im not telling you to drink your brains out, but dont forget to treat yourself now and then, and by that i dont mean buy something expensive, perhaps make yourself a good meal (If you can cook that is.) And serve it with a cool drink. I mean if you start actually LIVING on your own and making clear with yourself that she's nothing more than a friend you will not only get by on your own, im sure that the sickness will go away too.

The only time i've ever had something like this was when there was a disagreement with a longtime friend that ended up with him punching me. Thinking that i was the one doing something to deserve that i cut off all contact, regret that it happended but nothing to do about it. Now what i said might only matter if you were friends before you became lovers, if it was the love on first sight and you've never known her as anything else i might have to jump on what the others say. But giving up and cutting off the girl to protect yourself might not be the best of idea's. (Not speaking from experience, only theory)

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

snip

People want what they can't have ...

The question remains of why you want her back. The point is you don't love her ... what a foolish concept. You broke up, and then you feel slighted now that she's happy and you're not. That's not romantic love ... not affection for one's friends or camaraderie amongst a tight knit group of peers and colleagues. So you're kinda not fooling anybody by the whole 'nice guy' routine. Everybody says that, and to your benefit 90% of Humanity also shares this common affliction for the need for approval.

I mean c'mon ... you broke up, she's now married, and you're slighted. Then you tell us you're a 'good guy' despite no ability to actually validate this. All these paint the picture of someone obsessed with approval, and it would make sense you feel the way you do due to it.

As I said, 90% of Humanity attaches itself to self-esteem like a toddler with it's safety blanket so you're not exactly alone. Everybody feels the same pangs (albeit to al esser extent) when we see our ex-lovers and former significant others with other people.

Ultimately your salvation is in much the same way achieved as others have achieved it ... by getting over it. There's no 'deep' and transcendental answer out there for you other than the very simple 'get over it'. What else is there? What advice can be given?

Ultimately if you respond this way with your ex you'll probably do it again with the next lover you have so I suppose learning how to get over this will prepare you for that as well.

 

[MattRooney06]

Hate to break it to you buddy but if sdhe's married that might be the end of the line with her :S

 

[Capo Taco]

Three billion women in the world player.

I hate this line, not because it's true, but because no one bothers to crunch the numbers further. Take into account age, bam! You've just eliminated all the oldies and all the lolis!

So now you have about 1.5 billion women. Now take into account the location of each of these women, do you live in a hugely dense city or a little country town? No one's gonna up and move cities just because they can't find a woman in their locality (lest they be desperate). If you live in a super city that's something like 5 million women with at the right age (with most super cities being about 20 million (shanghai for example). And remember that it's unlikely that the OP is in one of these super cities, so he's probably dealing with around 1-2 million women. Now take into account those already in relationships (lets say half of them again) and he's really only got 500,000-1,000,000 women in his area to deal with.

Yes I know the idea is plenty more fish in the sea but I don't like the idea that the sea is far bigger than it is. Besides, how many of these 500,000 women have all the qualities that he's looking for? Maybe 30% of them?

oh noes, 150,000 women that he has close access to around his age and would be attracted to. Whatever will he do? Better become a monk.

 

[BoogieManFL]

It may sound harsh but if after two years it's still so painful I think you need to cut yourself off from her as much possible, both physically and emotionally.

The first one is always so hard. It took me awhile too. As you get older and more tempered by experience it'll get a little better.

 

[knight steel]

I believe that this song might be relevant here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0FmGwUDFf0

 

[Dark2003]

yeah, i had similar situation and weird stomach aches as well, for me you just have to find somebody else, or just completely realize shes off the market, or take her back, all is fair n love and war

 

[Danzaivar]

Why the hell would you want to hang out with someone elses wife, when all that happens is you feel physically ill around her? It's not a difficult option, you either feel physically ill and mentally broken, or you get on with your life and cut her out.

 

[ThoseTwoDudes]

I believe that you should get help, dude. Either you loved her to degrees that would annihilate multiverses, or your digestive system does. Meet a therapist or gastrologist, depending on which. I know you have low self esteem and can't see the therapist 'til the end of the classes, but try will yourself to go to another one.

 

[Vrach]

snip

One small word for her - no. Either tell her the truth, say you're not over her and are therefore not comfortable hanging out with her pretending to be friends or make something up. Either way don't put yourself in that situation.

Oh and feeling physically ill at such a situation is not uncommon nor a sign of anything physically (or mentally, aside the temporary nausea over the situation) wrong with you. It's perfectly normal.

 

[el_kabong]

Instead of fighting these feelings, you should just go with it. You start to feel sick around her? Throw up on her shoes. Then, when she asks if you're feeling ill, explain that talking to her makes you sick.

I would bet large sums of money that you won't have to worry about her calling anymore.

Seriously, though, I've been through a similar situation and found it best to just burn that bridge with white-hot, devil's fire. You can try explaining politely. But I found that, no matter how petty the pay-off is, it gives you a little bit of empowerment if you act like a jerk and, in cases like this, empowering yourself is a positive step.

 

[StormShaun]

Let me set the scenario: When I was 13, I met my first girlfriend, and for a time, it was good. Five years later, having experienced many things (first kiss, similar family issues, even losing our virginites to one another), a situation came up and needless to say, we broke up.

It's been two long years, and now she's married, and I'm just adjusting to the idea of even thinking about girls again. Within those two years, I've spoke to her about six times. I can't get over her, even those she has gotten over me (At least that's what she says).

Of course, she was my first, and everytime I saw her in public, my stomach would ache, but if she spoke to me, even for a second, I'd melt like butter, even if it ended that I stew in my self hatred (I have self esteem issues). As far as it goes, I listen to love songs a lot more often and I'm a bitter bastard at everything, mostly.

Well, the last time my Ex spoke to me was a few months ago, and that was for about 15 minutes. Coming to recent times, she called my cell phone telling me that she was thinking of starting up college and wanted some help with classes.

Having not heard her voice for months, and slowly trying to get over her, my stomach feels like it did when I had an ulcer, I was shaking (like when you come down really sick), and I'm melancholy, to say the least.

Here is my issue: I'm a nice guy, if you insult me, I'd probably laugh, and if you maliciously attack me, I'll pretty much do nothing. When we broke up, I went on Myspace and told everybody that any plans to get married (in 2010) was called off, and that even though I was upset with her, I told everybody not to insult her; if they were my friends, they wouldn't. So far, they haven't (to my knowledge).

To my dilemma: What do I do? Everytime I think of her or talk to her, I get physically sick (I almost threw up this afternoon) and I become an A-hole, but I still love her and I don't want to be rude to her.

Can anyone suggest ideas for me on how to handle this, or maybe it might be a good time to vent about your ex, I just need some help, you are my family (I'd call you guys family, you all are more than just friends to me), can anyone help me?

Well you should she my ex girlfriend I broke up to her since I was busy with life and was uncomfortable with her so I broke up and a year later she has had 5 boyfriends and with one she cheated on him at a party and had sex with another guy, I dont care about her anymore and I dont talk to her, im just waiting for the perfect girl for me....

 

[tharglet]

I agree with other people here, pretty much. If you haven't moved on, and found someone else for your attentions, it's always going to be hard to put old feelings aside. We're pretty much programmed to be attracted to things, and if nothing else is going to fill that hole, then it's going to be hard to put other feelings aside. Especially if she's done nothing to turn you away and make herself unattractive to you (marriage doesn't always count).
Even if you do move on, it's no guarantee the feelings will go away, but at least they have the chance to go away.

I'm with the others that it's best to cut yourself off from her. I once had a friend obsess over a girl who didn't want to go out with him, and it didn't end well. Was even harder because they were at the same university (hence the occasional obligatory meeting here and there), and he didn't have much interest in moving on.

(though similar to another poster... I was wondering if the post was involving STDs...)

 

[yoyo13rom]

Let me set the scenario: When I was 13, I met my first girlfriend, and for a time, it was good. Five years later, having experienced many things (first kiss, similar family issues, even losing our virginites to one another), a situation came up and needless to say, we broke up.

It's been two long years, and now she's married, and I'm just adjusting to the idea of even thinking about girls again. Within those two years, I've spoke to her about six times. I can't get over her, even those she has gotten over me (At least that's what she says).

Of course, she was my first, and everytime I saw her in public, my stomach would ache, but if she spoke to me, even for a second, I'd melt like butter, even if it ended that I stew in my self hatred (I have self esteem issues). As far as it goes, I listen to love songs a lot more often and I'm a bitter bastard at everything, mostly.

Well, the last time my Ex spoke to me was a few months ago, and that was for about 15 minutes. Coming to recent times, she called my cell phone telling me that she was thinking of starting up college and wanted some help with classes.

Having not heard her voice for months, and slowly trying to get over her, my stomach feels like it did when I had an ulcer, I was shaking (like when you come down really sick), and I'm melancholy, to say the least.

Here is my issue: I'm a nice guy, if you insult me, I'd probably laugh, and if you maliciously attack me, I'll pretty much do nothing. When we broke up, I went on Myspace and told everybody that any plans to get married (in 2010) was called off, and that even though I was upset with her, I told everybody not to insult her; if they were my friends, they wouldn't. So far, they haven't (to my knowledge).

To my dilemma: What do I do? Everytime I think of her or talk to her, I get physically sick (I almost threw up this afternoon) and I become an A-hole, but I still love her and I don't want to be rude to her.

Can anyone suggest ideas for me on how to handle this, or maybe it might be a good time to vent about your ex, I just need some help, you are my family (I'd call you guys family, you all are more than just friends to me), can anyone help me?

I a way I kinda understand you(I context is totally different, but the core feelings might be the same).

I often get all sad and stuff when I remember my 4 ex-es. To my advantage 2 of them moved away, and form the last one I moved away, so the chances of ever seeing them/hearing from them are rather slim. The third one on the other had used to be my classmate and we secretly both suffered because our break-up was rushed and we didn't quite get to "exhale" all our feelings towards each other. After a year or so we had this little long coffee talk and we straighten everything out. And that made things a lot better; that an time. Unfortunately if one of you isn't cooperative(is a *****/too obsessed/in love) to let things rest in the past, then you have a problem.

For example with one of my ex-es I was obsessed and I trained 2 whole years to learn to love again and to make new friends; to understand that I can go on without her. This too a lot of time, a lot of dating and a lot of social activities with my best friends. But in the end I feel that everything's ok and that all the feelings left are just my nostalgic memories that remind me of a not so bad period of my life.

With my other ex, although we mutually broke up we did it for different reasons. I was jealous of her(she may have been cheating on me), and she felt I was to young for her.

After breaking up I felt like a tool that she just tossed away, and until I didn't reclaim my confidence that I'm awesome anyway, I always felt physically sick when meeting her again.

The most important thing is to find out what bothers you most about your past relationship with her: do you still love her? is it truly love or just an obsession? is it because she hurt you? how then?

But keep in mind that if you still get your toughs messed up when thinking about her, you should get a friend that can judge the your problem while thinking "outside the box"/objectively.

From what little detail you've posted I gather that she rushed things into marriage(either forcing you do deny it, or just jumping on the bandwagon with the next dude she met). This can be quite upsetting, no matter how you look at it.

Now as a final advice coming for a timid, goody-two-shoes, pacifist and not-always-so-shelf-confident guy like me, don't give up hope, you'll find someone better. Remember love has to be bilateral to be true love, otherwise it's just obsession. + Girls secretly love us do-gooders.

 

[Eisenfaust]

maybe you're just allergic to her hairspray or something... in-person encounters make you sick AND condition you to have a similar reaction when thinking/talking to her over the phone... the brain is a complex thing, so it's a possibility... you should ask her what hairspray she uses... she won't think you're creepy at all...

still, this is coming from someone who doesn't understand "love"... maybe conditioned allergies/dependencies is all love is... hmmm, worth looking into

 

[Admiral Stukov]

You don't want my advice on this one.
What I can say is that about 5 years ago I was in a similar situation, and I ended up a cynical bastard with trust issues.

I'm going to tell you what I believe you want to hear:

Your problem? You're nice. You're a pacifist. You're letting her walk all over you. She has you wrapped around her little finger, and she knows it. She knows you still love her.

You have to do something about that.

You think that being kind and gentle and keeping the peace between you two will help you get over her?

Peace is a Lie; there is only Passion. (You still Love her. You know this to be True.)
Through Passion, I gain Strength. (Turn your Love into Bitterness, then Hate. Instead of becoming weak at the Sight of Her, you will be filled with Unbridled Hate.)
Through Strength, I gain Power. (Once you turn your Love into Hate, she will no longer control you. Let the Hate flow through you.)
Through Power, I gain Victory. (Look deep inside yourself. All women flock to Strong Men. Your Personal Victories are the Measure of your Strength.)
Through Victory, my Chains are Broken. (Once she has seen that you no longer need her, that you have Surpassed her, she will Regret what she has done to you.)

What you again, with the sith code!? <.<
Oh and I should add I tried this, see top of post for end result. It did not go well.