My (former) best friend is trying to destroy my relationship

[Dizchu]

A little backstory. I recently entered a relationship with a girl who means everything to me. We are crazy about each other and despite the awkwardness of travelling cross-country to see each other, we make the effort because meeting each other is just worth all the hassle.

The problem is, my former best friend claims she's his. Let us make this clear, there was no official relationship between the two before we got together. He assumed that because he had feelings for her that he expressed to her (and me), that means he's "called dibs" on her. When we became an item, he had a disastrous mental breakdown and claims that I have ruined his life. No cheating has happened, my girlfriend wasn't aware that these feelings of his were THAT serious and she was the primary force behind initiating our relationship.

That sounds bad enough, but it gets worse. My girlfriend has had a rough life and as a result is simultaneously impressionable, clingy and finds it hard to trust people. This is not her fault and for the most part I have been able to be very reassuring to her and have helped her mental stability. My former best friend however, thinks it's appropriate to take out-of-context excerpts from our PRIVATE conversations as ammunition to make her distrust me, which doesn't exactly work but it does make her very uncomfortable and in need of reassurance. He is manipulative and desperate to ruin my relationship so he can be free to take my girlfriend for his own.

I have no idea what to do. His mother (whom I had a good relationship with) has texted abusive messages to me claiming that I have ruined his life. My best friend is threatening to commit suicide. I have been blamed for simply reciprocating a girl's advances. I doubt that anyone would have any solutions, but I'm in a desperate situation. Is there anything I can do to cope with this? Thanks in advance.

 

[Tiger King]

You haven't ruined his life, he is ruining his own life by not accepting that the girl he likes has chosen somebody else.
It sucks when someone you like turns you down/isn't interested/goes with someone else, but if that is the case then you have to take it on the chin and move on.

What would be your ideal outcome from this situation? Would you like to patch things up with your friend?
Are you still on talking terms with him? Because you said that he is misquoting you to your girlfriend or is this from past conversations? If that is the case then that's a pretty big betrayal of trust.

If this was me I would tell your gf what he is trying to do and cut him off. If he really was such a great friend he would be happy for you.

 

[Dizchu]

What would be your ideal outcome from this situation? Would you like to patch things up with your friend?

My ideal outcome would be for him to accept that she loves me and stop trying to derail our relationship, because even if we did split up, it's unlikely she'd fall for him considering what he's done. His ideal outcome is for me to terminate the relationship and for her to choose him instead, but even if I ended our relationship she's unlikely to start one with him because she just doesn't feel the same way about him (which is why she chose me in the first place, duh).

His ideal outcome is not gonna happen, and if I ended the relationship it'd just mean that all three of us will feel awful.

Are you still on talking terms with him? Because you said that he is misquoting you to your girlfriend or is this from past conversations? If that is the case then that's a pretty big betrayal of trust.

He has severed ties with me but still messages me and her every now and then. He's been doing a mixture of taking past quotes out of context and re-interpreting things I've recently said to him (to imply that I don't actually love her, that I think monogamy is "stupid", that kind of thing). He's grasping at straws, but it's hard to convince her otherwise because she's overly cautious (because of her awful past).

If this was me I would tell your gf what he is trying to do and cut him off. If he really was such a great friend he would be happy for you.

I keep on telling her but I have a feeling neither of us want to lose him (because he was a good friend), and because of that she'll continue to respond. Also I can't just tell her who she's allowed to talk to or not because that kinda thing makes me really uncomfortable.

On one hand, we wouldn't know each other if it wasn't for him and a lot of our personality traits have been influenced by him, and he's been a great help to her before I entered the picture. But on the other hand, what he's doing is completely lacking in empathy and he's misdirected all of his anger towards me.

As I said, I'm not expecting this problem to be "solved" any time soon, I'd just like to know if there's anything I could do to better cope with the situation.

 

[Tiger King]

What would be your ideal outcome from this situation? Would you like to patch things up with your friend?

My ideal outcome would be for him to accept that she loves me and stop trying to derail our relationship, because even if we did split up, it's unlikely she'd fall for him considering what he's done. His ideal outcome is for me to terminate the relationship and for her to choose him instead, but even if I ended our relationship she's unlikely to start one with him because she just doesn't feel the same way about him (which is why she chose me in the first place, duh).

His ideal outcome is not gonna happen, and if I ended the relationship it'd just mean that all three of us will feel awful.

Are you still on talking terms with him? Because you said that he is misquoting you to your girlfriend or is this from past conversations? If that is the case then that's a pretty big betrayal of trust.

He has severed ties with me but still messages me and her every now and then. He's been doing a mixture of taking past quotes out of context and re-interpreting things I've recently said to him (to imply that I don't actually love her, that I think monogamy is "stupid", that kind of thing).

If this was me I would tell your gf what he is trying to do and cut him off. If he really was such a great friend he would be happy for you.

I keep on telling her but I have a feeling neither of us want to lose him (because he was a good friend), and because of that she'll continue to respond. Also I can't just tell her who she's allowed to talk to or not because that kinda think makes me really uncomfortable.

On one hand, we wouldn't know each other if it wasn't for him and a lot of our personality traits have been influenced by him, and he's been a great help to her before I entered the picture. But on the other hand, what he's doing is completely lacking in empathy and he's misdirected all of his anger towards me.

As I said, I'm not expecting this problem to be "solved" any time soon, I'd just like to know if there's anything I could do to better cope with the situation.

Having just read what you wrote there (and I sympathise with the position you have been put in) I think sadly it's all up to your friend how this pans out.
All you can do is try and influence his decision and hope a bit of space and time alone makes him realise that losing two good friends for the sake of wallowing in self pity isn't really worth it.
I guess you could try talking to him, tell him how it is and try to remind your friend of the good times and that he shouldn't just throw that away.
Maybe you guys could all have a sit down and try to talk it through, I guess that could be tricky given the circumstances and that you said your gf lives far away though.
I dunno mate, like I said its up to him and if he doesn't wanna work things out you shouldn't let your happiness be ruined because of it.

 

[Dizchu]

Thanks, guys. I'm pretty torn up about this for my own reasons (lots of personal stuff, I won't get into it). I feel betrayed and under unnecessary scrutiny, and if he did actually self-harm or commit suicide I'd be pretty horrified, to say the least.

 

[L. Declis]

If you believe (within the suspicion of a reasonable person) that he is reasonably likely to harm himself, you can ask the police to intervene on his behalf. Keep the messages he sends you, as well as his mothers. I believe you're in the U.K., yes? That's how it was a few years ago.

You can also push for a court-ordered no contact order on the mother and him if it is proven that it is reasonably needed and they will continue this abusive campaign.

As it is, go no contact, and heavily suggest your girlfriend do the same. Just keep your head above water, and ignore the twats. Go out with a nice meal with your girlfriend, distract yourselves to stop thinking about it, makes everything easier.

 

[Lt._nefarious]

Well you probably won't do this but telling someone you'll kill yourself is, at least to my understanding, considered emotional blackmail and you could report this former friend of yours and have any contact cut off by law, although that is extreme. If you can reason with him I'd try and convince him that after all he's done this girl has no interest of being with him, even if she wasn't with you, which I assume is the case anyway. However, I think the best thing you and your lady can do is sever all contact with him, if someone is in such a fragile mental state anything they do themselves is not your responsibility and it's better to simply distance yourself. I've been in a vaguely similar situation and my solution was just to sever all ties between me and the person in question, and they did just stop.

Your situation sounds awful sir, I'd be happy to chat with you about it if you'd like but if not I hope my advice was at least some use!

 

[Dizchu]

Your situation sounds awful sir, I'd be happy to chat with you about it if you'd like but if not I hope my advice was at least some use!

Thanks for your offer, though it seems that he's been backing off a bit in the past week or two (much to my relief).

I just want my girlfriend to be rid of his negative influence, she's been through enough, she doesn't need someone constantly scrutinising her for our relationship.

Captcha: wild and crazy guys

Pretty much