My plea for help

[Stormz]

I?m really not the person to whine or complain. I always take responsibility for my actions and fully believe the situation I?m in is of my own making and nobodies fault but my own, but I?ve come to the point where I need help. Now I?m aware that maybe this isn?t the best way to reach out for it but I feel that using the internet is a good way to get things out and be as emo as possible without weirding out people in real life. So here?s my story.

I?m 17 years old and in Grade 12 currently. When I was young I had lots of friends. I was awkward and was sensitive even as a kid but managed to obtain a small group. I moved away 7 years ago and nothing has ever been the same since. I?ve struggled?for 7 YEARS to make new friends. I was bullied my whole life. Now that I?m in a stable environment where I?m not bullied I struggle to socialize and regain what I once had. I?ve been alone for 7 years now going on 8. I?ve never experienced anything I should have in High school. I was home schooled because of the bullying and got even more introverted because of it. since I`ve rejoined school I`ve been feeling even more alone then ever. I see everyone with their groups having fun. I look at my yearbook and see tons of people with friends and me being absent from it all makes me feel like shit. I haven`t had a real friend in 7 years, I`ve never experienced the thrill of having a first girlfriend and I`m starting to lose all hope. I really am. My post may make me sound depressed. I assure you I`m not?yet anyway. I have bouts of sadness and they are getting more frequent then normal because this is my second last year in high school (I`m going back for a 3rd year because I want to at least have a semi normal amount of high school education actually being in school) I dread being alone for the next two years. It makes me feel terrible and hopeless thinking I`ll live the rest of my life like this and the fact I`ve missed out on everything high school could have offered me.

I really don`t want to turn into a lonely old man with 30 cats. I really don`t. So escapist. Please offer some advice. I`ve poured my heart out to you all and thank you all in advance. Anything could help me at this point. I should add as a side note I also have anxiety, which makes socializing even harder then if I were just an introvert that has never gained proper social skills. I`m not an introvert because I want to be, but I realize that it is indeed my fault for getting myself into this hole. I truly feel I can`t get out of it. I want to experience all I can in high school, and think that I really blew it this time. No going back and changing time now.

 

[euro2019]

Man... I know how you feel.. I'm overseas away from pretty much everyone, even what little friends I made here can't replace what I had back home. It's not the same as your situation, but if you wanna check mine out, I posted it just after yours. You're not alone.

Let me tell you, I was bullied too. I was made fun of, it was hard for me to find a girl that I really liked to like me back, and my group of friends managed to stay from the same from kindergarten until about grade 10 when I moved away. I lived 7 years elsewhere completely different, and I never found anything close to replace those friends I had. I pretty much stayed in my basement room all day and played games and had online friends I'd MMO with. That was my social interaction. Even at university, I lived in my dorm and did pretty much just that. It's depressing when I think back to all the fun I could of had if I had just taken that first step, hopping into a new (but still safe) environment. I tried drama, and I made friends that way. It was a random B.S course I took just to fill up my schedule, but I'm sure there's drama clubs at your school or something that you can get into.

Here's why I called it safe though. If it doesn't work out, I still had my computer. It worked out for me. I moved again, I lived in a whole new place, I made friends quicker because after drama and having fun, I realized all you really have to do is smile and be happy, crack a joke once in a while and people will start to like you. It's difficult to do at first, I used to watch a lot of stand up comedy to cheer myself up, and I'd take bits from them and use them in real life.... a little lame but it worked.

I screwed myself over now, and I'm stuck doing school overseas... now I'm truly alone. Any friends I made here don't feel like they are friends. Not only am I on a completely different continent, but I'm homesick too, like crazy. So I know what you mean about the bouts of sadness... I get them every day here practically. I wish I could turn back time too :/ Cause now I'm away from my loved ones and the few friends I finally managed to make.

I can't offer you much advice other than extra curriculars and such, there's not much else really other than finding online friends, playing on private servers or... something :S, but I can tell you that you're not alone on this one.

 

[Erana]

Maybe you're just not in the right place.
The persistence of bullying isn't really a good sign...

It makes me feel terrible and hopeless thinking I`ll live the rest of my life like this and the fact I`ve missed out on everything high school could have offered me.

What makes Highschool so special?
I skipped the damn thing and personally feel like I didn't miss or lose anything.
And dating isn't some magic thing that instantly makes people feel whole.

I think you're expecting too much from highschool. Its just a thing a lot of people do, and its inevitably glorified because of ritual and tradition.
Do you really want a few years crammed in a building with a bunch of adolescents to be the best time of your life?
In middle school, the sort of "friends" and interactions I had were all I knew, and therefore were what I could imagine the best social situation I could picture for myself.
College proved this terribly wrong. Still, there's a lot of childish cattiness and bickering, (It was an all-woman liberal art's school) but the idea of cliques and bullying weren't really in the forefront of peoples thought.

Starting a fine art graduate program was an incredible experience for me that further changed my perception of how comfortable I could be in a social environment. I can walk up to any of the dozens of people in my program or even a stranger in another graduate program and just start a dialogue about art, and feel comfortable and respected. We're all adults here, equals, even with the professors. Petty behavior, bullying and other bullshit just isn't a part of what we do.

Maybe you just aren't suited for teenage social drama.
This could well mean that you're just more mature than the people you're around, so you don't fit in. And in the long run, that can be really great.
Things really can get better, especially if you seek an environment of like-minded people. I'd recommend developing whatever academic interests you have now so that you can spend your final year of Highschool looking for a college with the subjects and people that you can be happy with.

 

[Stormz]

Maybe you're just not in the right place.
The persistence of bullying isn't really a good sign...

It makes me feel terrible and hopeless thinking I`ll live the rest of my life like this and the fact I`ve missed out on everything high school could have offered me.

What makes Highschool so special?
I skipped the damn thing and personally feel like I didn't miss or lose anything.
And dating isn't some magic thing that instantly makes people feel whole.

I think you're expecting too much from highschool. Its just a thing a lot of people do, and its inevitably glorified because of ritual and tradition.
Do you really want a few years crammed in a building with a bunch of adolescents to be the best time of your life?
In middle school, the sort of "friends" and interactions I had were all I knew, and therefore were what I could imagine the best social situation I could picture for myself.
College proved this terribly wrong. Still, there's a lot of childish cattiness and bickering, (It was an all-woman liberal art's school) but the idea of cliques and bullying weren't really in the forefront of peoples thought.

Starting a fine art graduate program was an incredible experience for me that further changed my perception of how comfortable I could be in a social environment. I can walk up to any of the dozens of people in my program or even a stranger in another graduate program and just start a dialogue about art, and feel comfortable and respected. We're all adults here, equals, even with the professors. Petty behavior, bullying and other bullshit just isn't a part of what we do.

Maybe you just aren't suited for teenage social drama.
This could well mean that you're just more mature than the people you're around, so you don't fit in. And in the long run, that can be really great.
Things really can get better, especially if you seek an environment of like-minded people. I'd recommend developing whatever academic interests you have now so that you can spend your final year of Highschool looking for a college with the subjects and people that you can be happy with.

It does sound silly that I want to be a part of that sort of social environment when you put it that way. It seems people are having more fun then me though. Really all I have to do when I get home from school is stay inside and play videogames or read. Which gets tiring when you do it everyday for years. I understand the whole relationship thing. I know it doesn't make you automatically feel whole, but it is good to get some experience when you're young yes?

The problem with developing my academic interests is...I don't have a clew what I would be interested in. I also love art and sort of want to get into 3D modeling, but my mind is holding me back. I keep thinking that would be too hard for me. Especially since I can't draw if my life depended on it. It is a skill I could try and improve on so I could eventually go down that road though. I need motivation, which is key for me getting off my ass and doing something. I've tried countless times to learn something new but when I start I quickly lose motivation to continue and I know why. I'm the kind of person that wants to be perfect at it fast. I'm a perfectionist through and through. So I really need to work on that first.

 

[Bloedhoest]

Reading this reminds me of my youth ...

Except for the moving house part.

 

[Bloedhoest]

.I don't have a clew what I would be interested in. I also love art and sort of want to get into 3D modeling, but my mind is holding me back. I keep thinking that would be too hard for me. Especially since I can't draw if my life depended on it. It is a skill I could try and improve on so I could eventually go down that road though. I need motivation, which is key for me getting off my ass and doing something. I've tried countless times to learn something new but when I start I quickly lose motivation to continue and I know why. I'm the kind of person that wants to be perfect at it fast. I'm a perfectionist through and through. So I really need to work on that first.

I can't even draw a decent flower, and yet 3D modelling is my profession.


I'll post my story of 4 years alone and my opinion later in the day.
Keep up, there is hope. Mine fell off a bike.

 

[Erana]

Spoiler: snip

Maybe you're just not in the right place.
The persistence of bullying isn't really a good sign...

It makes me feel terrible and hopeless thinking I`ll live the rest of my life like this and the fact I`ve missed out on everything high school could have offered me.

What makes Highschool so special?
I skipped the damn thing and personally feel like I didn't miss or lose anything.
And dating isn't some magic thing that instantly makes people feel whole.

I think you're expecting too much from highschool. Its just a thing a lot of people do, and its inevitably glorified because of ritual and tradition.
Do you really want a few years crammed in a building with a bunch of adolescents to be the best time of your life?
In middle school, the sort of "friends" and interactions I had were all I knew, and therefore were what I could imagine the best social situation I could picture for myself.
College proved this terribly wrong. Still, there's a lot of childish cattiness and bickering, (It was an all-woman liberal art's school) but the idea of cliques and bullying weren't really in the forefront of peoples thought.

Starting a fine art graduate program was an incredible experience for me that further changed my perception of how comfortable I could be in a social environment. I can walk up to any of the dozens of people in my program or even a stranger in another graduate program and just start a dialogue about art, and feel comfortable and respected. We're all adults here, equals, even with the professors. Petty behavior, bullying and other bullshit just isn't a part of what we do.

Maybe you just aren't suited for teenage social drama.
This could well mean that you're just more mature than the people you're around, so you don't fit in. And in the long run, that can be really great.
Things really can get better, especially if you seek an environment of like-minded people. I'd recommend developing whatever academic interests you have now so that you can spend your final year of Highschool looking for a college with the subjects and people that you can be happy with.

It does sound silly that I want to be a part of that sort of social environment when you put it that way. It seems people are having more fun then me though. Really all I have to do when I get home from school is stay inside and play videogames or read. Which gets tiring when you do it everyday for years. I understand the whole relationship thing. I know it doesn't make you automatically feel whole, but it is good to get some experience when you're young yes?

The problem with developing my academic interests is...I don't have a clew what I would be interested in. I also love art and sort of want to get into 3D modeling, but my mind is holding me back. I keep thinking that would be too hard for me. Especially since I can't draw if my life depended on it. It is a skill I could try and improve on so I could eventually go down that road though. I need motivation, which is key for me getting off my ass and doing something. I've tried countless times to learn something new but when I start I quickly lose motivation to continue and I know why. I'm the kind of person that wants to be perfect at it fast. I'm a perfectionist through and through. So I really need to work on that first.

A lot of perfectionists are talented people.

Really, though, who gives a damn about if you're good at something immediately? I know I often feel obligated to be the best at space whatever I'm doing or its completely futile.
With feelings like this, you just need to stop and tell yourself, "No."

If you're interested in 3D modeling, but are worried about an entrance barrier, I'd suggest trying Sculptris out at first to get your head a bit around things and see if you'd enjoy it.
And if you don't get into it or feel frustrated, think of it this way: the only difference between a hobbyist's models and something a professional would make ultimately comes down to time.

It sounds to me like you're not really interested in school work, not into teenage social nonsense and in general are in a state of chronic boredom. Being in a situation like that is stifling and suffocating.
You can't let yourself fall into the trap of "There must be something wrong with me." You're just different, and stuck here for a while. Redouble your efforts in finding something to get into, and don't be afraid of failure.

And don't worry so much when socializing with people now- you probably won't ever see most of these people again after you graduate.

 

[Stormz]

.I don't have a clew what I would be interested in. I also love art and sort of want to get into 3D modeling, but my mind is holding me back. I keep thinking that would be too hard for me. Especially since I can't draw if my life depended on it. It is a skill I could try and improve on so I could eventually go down that road though. I need motivation, which is key for me getting off my ass and doing something. I've tried countless times to learn something new but when I start I quickly lose motivation to continue and I know why. I'm the kind of person that wants to be perfect at it fast. I'm a perfectionist through and through. So I really need to work on that first.

I can't even draw a decent flower, and yet 3D modelling is my profession.


I'll post my story of 4 years alone and my opinion later in the day.
Keep up, there is hope. Mine fell off a bike.

I looked up one of two colleges that had 3d design and the good one required being able to draw. The whole admission test is drawing. Draw a full human body, draw objects around your house and put in a portfolio. Then there's a 30 minute drawing test. That's overkill really so it seems in some places to be requirement indeed. The other college was too vague so I have no idea if it's a requirement there.

Spoiler: snip

Maybe you're just not in the right place.
The persistence of bullying isn't really a good sign...

It makes me feel terrible and hopeless thinking I`ll live the rest of my life like this and the fact I`ve missed out on everything high school could have offered me.

What makes Highschool so special?
I skipped the damn thing and personally feel like I didn't miss or lose anything.
And dating isn't some magic thing that instantly makes people feel whole.

I think you're expecting too much from highschool. Its just a thing a lot of people do, and its inevitably glorified because of ritual and tradition.
Do you really want a few years crammed in a building with a bunch of adolescents to be the best time of your life?
In middle school, the sort of "friends" and interactions I had were all I knew, and therefore were what I could imagine the best social situation I could picture for myself.
College proved this terribly wrong. Still, there's a lot of childish cattiness and bickering, (It was an all-woman liberal art's school) but the idea of cliques and bullying weren't really in the forefront of peoples thought.

Starting a fine art graduate program was an incredible experience for me that further changed my perception of how comfortable I could be in a social environment. I can walk up to any of the dozens of people in my program or even a stranger in another graduate program and just start a dialogue about art, and feel comfortable and respected. We're all adults here, equals, even with the professors. Petty behavior, bullying and other bullshit just isn't a part of what we do.

Maybe you just aren't suited for teenage social drama.
This could well mean that you're just more mature than the people you're around, so you don't fit in. And in the long run, that can be really great.
Things really can get better, especially if you seek an environment of like-minded people. I'd recommend developing whatever academic interests you have now so that you can spend your final year of Highschool looking for a college with the subjects and people that you can be happy with.

It does sound silly that I want to be a part of that sort of social environment when you put it that way. It seems people are having more fun then me though. Really all I have to do when I get home from school is stay inside and play videogames or read. Which gets tiring when you do it everyday for years. I understand the whole relationship thing. I know it doesn't make you automatically feel whole, but it is good to get some experience when you're young yes?

The problem with developing my academic interests is...I don't have a clew what I would be interested in. I also love art and sort of want to get into 3D modeling, but my mind is holding me back. I keep thinking that would be too hard for me. Especially since I can't draw if my life depended on it. It is a skill I could try and improve on so I could eventually go down that road though. I need motivation, which is key for me getting off my ass and doing something. I've tried countless times to learn something new but when I start I quickly lose motivation to continue and I know why. I'm the kind of person that wants to be perfect at it fast. I'm a perfectionist through and through. So I really need to work on that first.

A lot of perfectionists are talented people.

Really, though, who gives a damn about if you're good at something immediately? I know I often feel obligated to be the best at space whatever I'm doing or its completely futile.
With feelings like this, you just need to stop and tell yourself, "No."

If you're interested in 3D modeling, but are worried about an entrance barrier, I'd suggest trying Sculptris out at first to get your head a bit around things and see if you'd enjoy it.
And if you don't get into it or feel frustrated, think of it this way: the only difference between a hobbyist's models and something a professional would make ultimately comes down to time.

It sounds to me like you're not really interested in school work, not into teenage social nonsense and in general are in a state of chronic boredom. Being in a situation like that is stifling and suffocating.
You can't let yourself fall into the trap of "There must be something wrong with me." You're just different, and stuck here for a while. Redouble your efforts in finding something to get into, and don't be afraid of failure.

And don't worry so much when socializing with people now- you probably won't ever see most of these people again after you graduate.

That's a good idea. I'll try that out and see what it's like. Like above though I need to learn how to draw to get into it if I like it and really have no idea where to start with that. I used to love to just draw even though I wasn't good, but lately I feel I'm so bad I haven't picked up a pencil and even tried for so long now. Leading back to my motivation problem. No one can help with motivation. It has to come from me alone. Which is hard in my current state of mind.

I don't want teenaged social drama and I feel most school work is unrewarding. I am bored. Always. Playing games and reading just doesn't cut it. I WANT interaction with other people but because I don't have good social skills and my self esteem is in the tubes it's hard. Not to mention if school isn't the ideal place for me what is? I really have no clue.

 

[geK0]

It gets better dude; highschool sucks! and you're not the only one to have a bad experience with it. I am a lot like you, I've always been socially awkward and have gone for very long periods of time without friends. I had a bit of a falling out with my highschool friends in grade 11 and didn't find a new group until grade 13, then went a year after highs school seldomly talking to anyone.
Things DO get better, college is a pretty great place; most people there have been removed from their highschool cliques and also need to find new friends, there's too many people for a 'cool' group to really exist,people generally aren't too worried about the social hierarchy anymore, and in most courses you'll have enough down time between classes that it's hard not to end up talking to people.
Honestly, in my first year of college, I felt like I wasn't a loser for the first time in my life.

If you're having troubles figuring out what to do, try a general arts and science course!
or, just go into business (accounting, human resources, marketing, operations management), it's a little bit boring for most people, but probably the best course to take if you want to enter a stable job market.

 

[Bloedhoest]

I looked up one of two colleges that had 3d design and the good one required being able to draw. The whole admission test is drawing. Draw a full human body, draw objects around your house and put in a portfolio. Then there's a 30 minute drawing test. That's overkill really so it seems in some places to be requirement indeed. The other college was too vague so I have no idea if it's a requirement there.

We are talking about 3D modelling as art, aren't we?

Anyway. Got bullied a lot in high school, probably the most sucky period in my life. Got home did my homework, now and then, and sat behind my pc the rest of the day. Also in the weekends. Yes, Red Alert gets boring after 14 hours straight.
Really don't know why they picked on me, may have been a bit feeble back then and silent introvert. Please note: nowadays I'll bite your head off and ask for seconds.

My 'lonely' period ended when I went to the stores when I saw a girl. who I vaguely knew, fell of her bike. I helped her up and she asked if I wanted to hang out with her and her friends. Simple as that, I had friends. College came, started hanging out with classmates and so on.

Point is, don't worry that much and don't try to hard. Forcing yourself to other people doesn't really work well.
Try to join after school activities that have something to do with your hobby's and interests. Sitting on your bum all day isn't a preferred method of getting friends.

Oh, and to hell with the popular guys and girls. The ones that bullied me the most are either fat, pushing a bay carriage around or breaking their backs for a few lousy bucks. Guess I have the last laugh here.

 

[Stormz]

I looked up one of two colleges that had 3d design and the good one required being able to draw. The whole admission test is drawing. Draw a full human body, draw objects around your house and put in a portfolio. Then there's a 30 minute drawing test. That's overkill really so it seems in some places to be requirement indeed. The other college was too vague so I have no idea if it's a requirement there.

We are talking about 3D modelling as art, aren't we?

Anyway. Got bullied a lot in high school, probably the most sucky period in my life. Got home did my homework, now and then, and sat behind my pc the rest of the day. Also in the weekends. Yes, Red Alert gets boring after 14 hours straight.
Really don't know why they picked on me, may have been a bit feeble back then and silent introvert. Please note: nowadays I'll bite your head off and ask for seconds.

My 'lonely' period ended when I went to the stores when I saw a girl. who I vaguely knew, fell of her bike. I helped her up and she asked if I wanted to hang out with her and her friends. Simple as that, I had friends. College came, started hanging out with classmates and so on.

Point is, don't worry that much and don't try to hard. Forcing yourself to other people doesn't really work well.
Try to join after school activities that have something to do with your hobby's and interests. Sitting on your bum all day isn't a preferred method of getting friends.

Oh, and to hell with the popular guys and girls. The ones that bullied me the most are either fat, pushing a bay carriage around or breaking their backs for a few lousy bucks. Guess I have the last laugh here.

3D modeling as in game design, character models, landscapes etc. It's not the only career I'm considering, just one I've thought about for a long time.

I'm really sensitive. So I'm a huge target for bullying. i tend to take everything personally and can't defend myself no matter how hard I try. I'm a big guy, not fat but not a stick either so I can hold my own if I had to. Getting myself to stick up for myself is nearly impossible though.

Your story sounds the exact same as mine really minus the ending. I'm looking to end my lonely period still haha. Thanks for the encouragement, it does make me feel better, it really does.

 

[itstimeforpie]

I sort of get where you're coming from, high school sucks, period. Its full of pointless drama and bickering. The best way to find friends there I guess would be to see if there's any extra-curricular activities around that yo would be interested in. It would be easier to find like-minded individuals there. Things do improve in university/college though, and they improve immensely, its a melting pot of sorts, a lot of people come from away, and are removed from their usual groups, and they are looking for friends, and in general, I've found that people seem to be more mature. All you have to do is put yourself out there, and good things will happen. It did for me, so don't worry about it, good things can happen to you.

 

[Lvl85Humanoid]

I know where you're coming from, Stormz.

When I was your age, I got frustrated by feeling like an outsider. Something strange that worked for me was simply going to the local college and hanging out.

I brought a laptop or a book and just sat around in the common areas, appreciating how quietly accepting and friendly everyone was.

One of the greatest parts of this for me includes an old nerdy shirt I used to have with the Triforce on it. Each time I wore it at my high school, people asked if it was some sort of pagan symbol or car logo. When I wore it to visit the college, no less than four people approached me just to tell me how great my shirt was.

Things are different there, as other posters have mentioned - just wanted to give you an insight as to how different it truly is.

Hang in there.

 

[Slash Dementia]

I feel the same way, Stormz. I missed even the majority of my middle-school. It's difficult to see everyone moving past you socially and just getting to do "fun" things. You feel like you missed out a lot, and that you wasted your time feeling the way you feel. Me, I stay inside, read, play video games, write (write, write, write), and talk to my girlfriend (long distance relationship, sadly). It gets tedious. It gets boring. You get desperate for something different and new--something that other people are doing. Then you're offered that chance but you shoot it down because you're afraid of what it might lead to. It leads to nothing, except more of that and a chance to get out.

I've had little to no friends growing up. Now that I'm in college, I have about five. I'm went out with them a few times, but I never really want to. I care about them, but I'm scared to be with them for some reason.

Three of my friends were just me going up to them randomly and talking to them. We're in college. We have something in common: learning. Talk and you'll find more things in common with them--or not, but just talk. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there, just go for it and talk to someone at random. You're awkward, and so am I, but I use it to try and be funny with them, and to make them awkward, too, thus lowering them to my level.

If you like art, don't be afraid to pursue it. Once you're there, you'll see how much better it'll get.

 

[Terminal Blue]

Snip

Well firstly, on high school. I really don't think you've missed as much as you think. When people get nostalgic about their high school experiences, what they really mean is that they miss a time when they had relatively few responsibilities, not that it was the best social time of their life. High school is awkward, it's a time when everyone is not yet comfortable or ready for their adult personalities, and it shows. It's a very different world to the adult world you'll move into next.

Secondly, you need to stop putting yourself down. Cliched as it sounds, the best thing you can do for yourself is try to be comfortable with yourself, with the things you enjoy doing and find interesting, not for the sake of impressing a bunch of equally insecure chimps but for your own sake. Don't worry about appealing to people on their level, if you resolve to go your own way you might find that other people have similar interests to you or also want to relate on that level.

On girls.. a lot of people seem to have the impression that all their peers are on some kind of sexual crusade, it's extremely unlikely that anyone save a very small minority of people is really living that lifestyle. For the most part, high schoolers don't really know how to behave in romantic or sexual situations.

Heck, I got my first girlfriend by being incredibly forward to the point that a teacher actually took my girlfriend aside at one point and asked if I was harassing her. It's cringeworthy to think back on, but if I hadn't been quite so clueless about etiquette we probably never would have got together so young because neither of us had a clue how to express interest to each other any other way. These are things which actually get easier as you get older, and as long as you don't loose touch with people and become a bitter misanthrope or tortured misogynist, as long as you keep listening to people and don't get beaten down by the fear of being rejected then you'll eventually work it out.

The people who truly thrive in the high school environment will generally make terrible adults. The older you get, the more you'll realize that the most special people, the people most worth cultivating, are those who have grown out of high school.

 

[vacerious]

Well firstly, on high school. I really don't think you've missed as much as you think. When people get nostalgic about their high school experiences, what they really mean is that they miss a time when they had relatively few responsibilities, not that it was the best social time of their life. High school is awkward, it's a time when everyone is not yet comfortable or ready for their adult personalities, and it shows. It's a very different world to the adult world you'll move into next.

Secondly, you need to stop putting yourself down. Cliched as it sounds, the best thing you can do for yourself is try to be comfortable with yourself, with the things you enjoy doing and find interesting, not for the sake of impressing a bunch of equally insecure chimps but for your own sake. Don't worry about appealing to people on their level, if you resolve to go your own way you might find that other people have similar interests to you or also want to relate on that level.

On girls.. a lot of people seem to have the impression that all their peers are on some kind of sexual crusade, it's extremely unlikely that anyone save a very small minority of people is really living that lifestyle. For the most part, high schoolers don't really know how to behave in romantic or sexual situations.

Heck, I got my first girlfriend by being incredibly forward to the point that a teacher actually took my girlfriend aside at one point and asked if I was harassing her. It's cringeworthy to think back on, but if I hadn't been quite so clueless about etiquette we probably never would have got together so young because neither of us had a clue how to express interest to each other any other way. These are things which actually get easier as you get older, and as long as you don't loose touch with people and become a bitter misanthrope or tortured misogynist, as long as you keep listening to people and don't get beaten down by the fear of being rejected then you'll eventually work it out.

The people who truly thrive in the high school environment will generally make terrible adults. The older you get, the more you'll realize that the most special people, the people most worth cultivating, are those who have grown out of high school.

This man is correct. The point I want to extrapolate on is you putting yourself down. Stop this manner of thinking. It's devastating to your self-esteem and hinders your ability to do the best you can. I had self-esteem issues when I was your age, as well. I had my demons that I've had to battle since then, but I only started winning these battles when I realized that I was a lot stronger than I was giving myself credit for. And I've come out of these inner battles stronger than I was before. The fight is only as impossible as you make it out to be.

I'm really sensitive. So I'm a huge target for bullying. i tend to take everything personally and can't defend myself no matter how hard I try. I'm a big guy, not fat but not a stick either so I can hold my own if I had to. Getting myself to stick up for myself is nearly impossible though.

First off, it isn't your fault. Bullies are cowards, first and foremost. They travel in packs because they don't have the confidence to solve a problem themselves, and they pick on people they deem weak to inflate their own pathetic egos. You're only a target for bullying because you make yourself into one. Know the old saying, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Well, it's wrong. Physical wounds heal over time. Words hurt more than anything else because they can implant an idea that can cause permanent damage. And these bullies have been hurting you to cover their own internal wounds. And they can laugh all they want when they're together, but alone, they are weak and pathetic.

On the other side of the coin, you are a lot stronger than you make yourself out to be. You have the ability to put these bullies in their place. You only need to realize it. You just need the confidence to look to yourself and say "I'm an amazing human being, and there's not a single damn one of you who can prove otherwise!" Repeat this to yourself until you're convinced of it. Then, the next time you encounter these bullies, repeat it to them. Find the courage within yourself, because it is there, and face your attackers. Let them know that you won't be a victim any longer. Let them know that they hold no fear, no sway, over you. Let them know that, if they want to scare you, they'll have to do a lot better than petty words. Let them know that you are strong and they are weak, and that you won't be convinced otherwise.

Because, even if they tease you,
You are strong.
Because, even if they threaten you,
You are strong.
Because, even if they beat you,
You are strong.
And because you chose courage over fear,
You are strong.

If you find you can't stand up to them for yourself, then stand up to them for the other people who have been picked on. There are surely more people who have had to deal with these hooligans that could use someone to stand up for them. Become a hero for your fellow victims and show that you won't stand to see another get hurt.

Once the bullies realize that their targets are turning on them, you'll find that they won't be a problem for you much longer.

 

[Terminal Blue]

First off, it isn't your fault. Bullies are cowards, first and foremost.

I'll second this, but also add a caveat..

High school is a vicious environment. The closest adult analogy is prison. You have a bunch of frustrated people trapped in a confined space and pretty much left to develop their own social structure, and what comes out of that is very demeaning to everyone. People will pick on each other and push each other around just to test where they stand or how far they can go.

Most 'bullies' are not bad people. There was this guy who used to make my life miserable, then one day I realized he was getting racially abused practically every day (he was the only black kid in the school - I come from a pretty white area, and not in the good way). He was aggressive to other people because cultivating that kind of reputation was how he'd learned to stand up for himself. Once I realized that, I didn't hate or fear him any more and he stopped getting at me because I didn't react in the way he expected.

It's cliched to say that bullies are always bullied themselves, but it's seldom entirely one sided. The people who go around making others miserable do it for a reason, even if that reason is just that high school teaches you to react like that (mine certainly did).

This is something home-schooling can never teach you I think, especially being pulled out of school for being bullied. There are limits on what is acceptable, but to a certain extent bullying is inevitable because it's how children of that age interact. You have to force yourself to stand up for yourself and see yourself as something worth defending, not as a stepping stone to someone else's social success. Never be aggressive and never, ever be malicious because I learned from hard experience that you can never guarantee where that will lead, but if you just make it clear that you're not a target people will test you less. Practice casually telling people to fuck off until it becomes second nature and you can do it with no real malice which might indicate someone has got to you, check yourself for submissive responses and body language all the time. Pretend that you fucking own the place, which you do. It's your school, you have a right to be there without being harassed, if someone harasses you treat them with the contempt they deserve..

Above all else, know that these people don't matter, they're just noise really. In a few years time, you'll never speak to them ever again. Both emotionally and in real terms they have more to lose from challenging you than you do, the trick is to let them know it.

 

[Stormz]

Wow some extremely encouraging posts here. I can't possibly quote you all but EVERYONE that has posted has my sincere thank you and you have all made me feel better about my situation.

I recently joined a club in school that's all about fundraising and charity so maybe I'll find someone to talk to, if not then I know that I tried while also doing something that really helps the community.

Snip

snip

Both of you have inspired me greatly. The thing with the bullying is that it's not the present that's getting to me, it's the past. I'm not being bullied right now, but I was bullied so long that it has given me a lasting scar. I still have nightmares about it and always wish I could of done something different about it. I've made progress though. I sit next to a football player and he hasn't bothered my to much, but he has tried to get me to do things for him like hand in his assignments or take me stuff. He tried to get me to hand in his work for him and I said no instead of doing it (Normally I would have). He took my pencil right from my desk while I was working and I bitched at him about it and it actually felt pretty good that I did it. They're small things but it has showed that I'm able to do it and if I continue to make steps like that will be able to defend myself better in the future.

I know not all bullies are bad people. One of them that picked on me in elementary school doesn't really seem all that bad of a person now. I still don't like him for it but he doesn't even seem to remember me haha. He's even said hello to me once and he's very involved with the school. Though I hold a grudge against him I won't deny some of the good things he's done as well.

 

[Terminal Blue]

I recently joined a club in school that's all about fundraising and charity so maybe I'll find someone to talk to, if not then I know that I tried while also doing something that really helps the community.

That sounds a good idea, even if it doesn't work out as a social excercise it's relevant experience when you ultimately come to write a CV. These days, anything which marks you out above the typical school leaver is a good thing.

I'm not being bullied right now, but I was bullied so long that it has given me a lasting scar.

I know the feeling. I used to be constantly terrified walking around school, it made me very miserable and probably resulted in me getting picked on a lot more. It can be very hard when you're stuck in the same environment to turn it around, though I had some success myself and it sounds like you're making a convincing go of it. If you're anything like me (I graduated from high school at 19) you'll start to feel the age gap pretty soon as well, but that might make it easier - it's harder to see people as authoritive when they act more immaturely than you.

Just remember that however bad it gets, ultimately you'll probably move away eventually, whether to find work or to go on to further education. I'm not sure how interested you are in maths and engineering type subjects, but in my (completely uneducated) opinion something like computer aided design might be a way to both learn 3D modelling and make it bankable. It doesn't sound too hard to get into most of the courses here in the UK, though I can't speak for your environment.

They're small things but it has showed that I'm able to do it and if I continue to make steps like that will be able to defend myself better in the future.

Exactly..

And that rubs off on people too. If you're frightened or submissive then people will pick up on that, but likewise if you appear confident (even if you don't necessarily feel it deep down) you'll come across as having more integrity, which is attractive. There's a difference between doing someone a favour out of kindness and being coerced into doing stuff for them, and it sounds like you saw through that guy's shit.