My Scholarship Essay

[Colodomoko]

As a child there were many things that I really never appreciated until now. There were times as a kid where I have acted unlike I do now and because of that I would rather forget the past ever happened. That is not to say I did not have fun as a child, but there were times that either my shyness or lack of common sense has gotten me into bad situations. This has caused me to not have as much fun as I should have had, therefore that little kid I knew several years ago is dead to me now and forever. I have no regrets about this, a couple of months back is when I finally acquired the right know how and turned my shyness into independence. I still have much to see and do in my life, but I am sure that who I am now is who I will be for the rest of my life and it was all due to one thing that has opened my eyes to many of the ideas and opinions of this planet, that thing is known as the internet.

The internet is our own little universe here on this planet, a well of infinite knowledge and ideas with more and more being added every second of the day. In its current state it is the purest example of freedom on this world, anybody can be who they want and the laws are fair and flexible to everyone who uses it. No one person is in control of the massive amount of power the internet holds over the world and it should stay that way. Everyone deserves their own little piece of the internet and the freedom to use it however they wish so long as they are not knowingly using it to affect any other person negatively. The internet is the true definition of paradise and shall remain that way for eternity so long as I live.

Back when I was about thirteen years of age I got my own computer set up in my room. At the time I had no idea of the priceless gift that had been given to me. For the first several months of surfing the web I was the happiest person alive, nothing was more exiting in my life than exploring the many worlds that existed right in front of me on the square box. There were many forms of music such as classic rock and classical that I would listen to and many videos of interesting and exciting things such as reviews of movies and video games or even a cute little kitty playing with yarn. After years I had seen the many views of people over the internet and began to understand how they think and who they really are as opposed to the way people act in the real world always lying about who they are. I hope that some day everyone will realize that they do not have to pretend to be something their not and maybe the internet will help them realize this. One day everyone will open their eyes to the truth just like mine were opened.

I would like to thank everyone who has contributed to the internet over the years the things I have seen and enjoyed. Without you the internet would not be as good as it is now with all of your hard work and dedication. My life would have been meaningless without all of your help, even if you were not conscious of aiding me in the way that all of you did. You all taught me how to express myself and encouraged me to do so without fear of ridicule or exile. No one person can tell me what I can and can not do because like everyone on the web I am free to make my own choices and express my own ideas. You have all also taught me how to relax and enjoy myself around other whom I have known for a while and to not let anyone who I care about become sad and alone. Once again I thank you all for your help, you guys kept me alive when I would have otherwise given up on life.

The internet will always be held in a personal place in my mind, my experience with it has taught me a lot about life. It has helped me to discover who I am in this world by giving my laughter and enjoyment over anything else I have ever experienced or will in the future. The most important lesson it has taught me is to live every day like it was your last and have fun every step of the way. After all we live on a planet where there are many ways to die from getting shot to getting millions of nuclear warheads dropped on you that can potentially blow up the planet eight times over. It is important not to dwell on the things that make us sad or can kill us, the only instances where that would be acceptable for me is when I am watching or playing something that uses these elements as well as many others to enhance the story of some form of media. That however is another essay all on it?s own, as for now my final thoughts are that I could not imagine life without the internet and all it has taught me.

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I don't know why I'm doing this, guess I just had this urge to try something out of the ordinary so I will just say it. I wanted to know what you guys think of this essay that I wrote for my scholarship, the topic of the essay is...

"Evaluate a significant experience or achievment that has personal meaning to you."

It's still a rough draft and hasen't been proof read so if you can point out anywhere I might improve such as repetitivness or what I am most worried about being the placement of certain sentances in some paragraphs let me know, I will appreciate any help I can get on this one.

One last thing, it might seem a little chessy, but this is honestly how I feel and really what has changed my life, I mean everything I typed, especially the fourth paragraph, thank you.

Edit: Okay I am most likely going to do some heavy revising on this following your advices or I could scrap this one and write about the other possible topic.

"Write about why you chose the job you wanted to do."

The reason I didn't chose this one right away is mainly because of the job I want to get at the moment which is being a cop. I could not figure out a way to write I am mostly doing it for the money, not because it is alot of money but because I am looking for a job with good pay, good hours, and I am able to do the job. I am sure there are plenty of jobs I can go into out there where the pay is good, but I don't know any of them and I need something to go into college with, I don't know its kinda stressing me out, which should I do?

By the way the essay is suppose to be 200 to 400 words just in case it seems too short.

ReEdit: Wow, I counted and I have around 200 more words than I need, I guess my main problem with this is I tried too hard and it ended up coming out completely wrong. Well I gotta get this done tonight so thank you guys again for your help.

 

[pastrami05]

I am pretty certain that you should take this down right now. This may very well constitute a form of cheating, which to begin with, is morally wrong when you're applying for a scholarship. Also, it could ruin your chances of getting a scholarship, because if they (the institution you're hoping for a scholarship from) search passages to check for plagiarism and this pops up, you're kind of screwed.

 

[AngleWyrm]

I disagree with the previous post. Asking for opinions and help is the best way to do a good job.

Advice: Your first paragraph should introduce what your paper is going to be about. I stopped reading after the first sentence, because it represents as a personal biography--basically just someone talking to themselves about themselves, which I find boring.

I just gotta ask: Why would I want to read someone else's diary? What interesting thing could I learn, or fun situation could I experience by reading it?

 

[Random Fella]

A little off topic but how do you get a scholarship from answering such a question?
What field of study does this come under?

 

[isometry]

I read the whole thing, and I can see it is honest and thoughtful. Unfortunately, I think you should not use it for any scholarship application.

The problem isn't the quality of writing, it's the content. The first two paragraphs are too negative and psychologically troublesome; again I realize you want to be honest, but a scholarship is like a job application, you don't want the committee to think you are mentally unstable.

In many places you reference "when I was a kid", "when I was a child", etc. It is normal to feel like you have made a lot of personal progress in the past few years. But comparing yourself now to when you were younger ends up sounding immature; it's a false standard of comparison. Of course you've grown up a lot in the past few years. The essay should focus on who you are today, and how you are rising to success, not looking backwards into your troubled adolescent years.

The good news is, "the internet" could be refined into a good topic for this kind of essay. As a broad stroke, cut the first two paragraphs and make the entire essay about how important the internet is to you, and how much it changed your life. The most essential thing is to replace vague piles of words with specific information, for example the second to last paragraph:

I would like to thank everyone who has contributed to the internet over the years the things I have seen and enjoyed. Without you the internet would not be as good as it is now with all of your hard work and dedication. My life would have been meaningless without all of your help, even if you were not conscious of aiding me in the way that all of you did. You all taught me how to express myself and encouraged me to do so without fear of ridicule or exile. No one person can tell me what I can and can not do because like everyone on the web I am free to make my own choices and express my own ideas. You have all also taught me how to relax and enjoy myself around other whom I have known for a while and to not let anyone who I care about become sad and alone. Once again I thank you all for your help, you guys kept me alive when I would have otherwise given up on life.

This paragraph is so vague, you could be could talking about almost anything. It sounds like "Without water I would be really thirsty. Then my life would be so bad because I would be thirsty with lips that are chapped and dry. " etc. Replace all of that vague stuff with specific examples of topics and subjects you learned on the web.

Also, you have to cut all the self-loathing crap about life not being worth living, etc, that will lead to an instant rejection for the scholarship. Save that stuff for your family and friends and support circle, it's not appropriate to talk about in a professional setting.