Need advice getting over my first (unrequited) love

[Saelune]

Well, my opinion is liars aren't a good thing. All you and Phasmal have made me believe is you two need to be less disrespectful and lie less. Its not like having a reason is so difficult, since clearly you would have one if you say no.

I don't feel like dating, I'm in a relationship, I don't find you attractive, I don't want to be distracted from other things in my life, etc, all valid reasons. I just think actually giving said reason to the person you reject should be an expected courtesy. Why do you need to lie about any of that?

Excuse me, rude. I'm not disrespectful, and neither do I lie. Saying you would lie in a situation does not make one a liar in general. I actually have never been in a position to have that conversation. I have been in the position where I rejected a guy and I heard that he wanted to know why, but frankly that was none of his business.

Spoiler: I really doubt the situation would have been improved by me busting out with this

It's not disrespectful to not tell someone why you won't date them, no matter how many times you say it is. It's simply not. It's not their business, you don't owe them an explanation.

You say I am rude, but I think you're rude. I honestly don't see why you think the appropriate reaction to such a question would be to freak out and lie. It comes off to me as neurotic and unpleasant. And well, its not MY business as neither the rejector or rejectee why you don't find someone who asks you out not worth it, but It kind of is partly theirs, since it involves them. There are other people in the world besides you.

 

[Phasmal]

You say I am rude, but I think you're rude. I honestly don't see why you think the appropriate reaction to such a question would be to freak out and lie. It comes off to me as neurotic and unpleasant. And well, its not MY business as neither the rejector or rejectee why you don't find someone who asks you out not worth it, but It kind of is partly theirs, since it involves them. There are other people in the world besides you.

Ok, I'm gonna make it really simple. Explain to me why exactly I owe someone this awkward conversation. Explain to me why I would have to tell the guy I rejected that the idea of his hands on my body repulsed me, and what good that would do either of us.

And also I want to know what evidence you have that this is somehow better for everyone involved, rather than my approach of just dating people who want to date you and leaving those who don't alone.

 

[Saelune]

You say I am rude, but I think you're rude. I honestly don't see why you think the appropriate reaction to such a question would be to freak out and lie. It comes off to me as neurotic and unpleasant. And well, its not MY business as neither the rejector or rejectee why you don't find someone who asks you out not worth it, but It kind of is partly theirs, since it involves them. There are other people in the world besides you.

Ok, I'm gonna make it really simple. Explain to me why exactly I owe someone this awkward conversation. Explain to me why I would have to tell the guy I rejected that the idea of his hands on my body repulsed me, and what good that would do either of us.

And also I want to know what evidence you have that this is somehow better for everyone involved, rather than my approach of just dating people who want to date you and leaving those who don't alone.

Now I wonder how people approach you asking you out. I think if someone you were close friends with, while spending time with you asked you politely if you would go on a date with, you wouldn't have a hard time explaining why the answer would be no. Some boundary crossing creep who starts rubbing on you without permission is more understandable why you would rather just reject and bolt.

If the issue here is the context of the rejection, then maybe that's the real issue.

Anyways, excluding molesters, if someone humanely asked you out, even if not a close friend, if they have any decency should respect an actual reason why you don't want to date them. People are more inclined to "get the message" when you clearly state it. It also adds closure. Sure its closure to a moment that may have lasted a mere 30 seconds, but I don't think its really worth it to leave people questioning and doubting.

Plus, for a relationship to work, both people have to want it. Not always easy to want someone who wants you back, and that's even when people to explain themselves. Why make relationships harder than they already are?

And I still genuinely...not even believe, but know that many people don't know what is best for themselves. That's not to say that gives other's the right to dictate that, but I think people are more likely to figure such things out if they are more open, to other people and other ideas and views. I don't think hiding behind a wall of "none of your business, don't even ask" really does that. Curiosity may lead to nosiness, but I don't think it is always equivalent.

 

[Phasmal]

Now I wonder how people approach you asking you out. I think if someone you were close friends with, while spending time with you asked you politely if you would go on a date with, you wouldn't have a hard time explaining why the answer would be no. Some boundary crossing creep who starts rubbing on you without permission is more understandable why you would rather just reject and bolt.

If the issue here is the context of the rejection, then maybe that's the real issue.

Anyways, excluding molesters, if someone humanely asked you out, even if not a close friend, if they have any decency should respect an actual reason why you don't want to date them. People are more inclined to "get the message" when you clearly state it. It also adds closure. Sure its closure to a moment that may have lasted a mere 30 seconds, but I don't think its really worth it to leave people questioning and doubting.

Plus, for a relationship to work, both people have to want it. Not always easy to want someone who wants you back, and that's even when people to explain themselves. Why make relationships harder than they already are?

And I still genuinely...not even believe, but know that many people don't know what is best for themselves. That's not to say that gives other's the right to dictate that, but I think people are more likely to figure such things out if they are more open, to other people and other ideas and views. I don't think hiding behind a wall of "none of your business, don't even ask" really does that. Curiosity may lead to nosiness, but I don't think it is always equivalent.

The world isn't neatly divided into friends who will ask respectfully to date you and creepers who rub up on you.
Sometimes you have a dear friend who is kind of crossing lines. And nobody wants to tell a friend "I'm sorry, but the idea of kissing you makes me feel physically sick", so you can understand why I and other people are not dishing out receipts as to why we reject people.

A simple no is, and should be, enough. If "no" is not good enough for the person, then that becomes the new reason for me not to date them, whatever the original reason was.

And even if you feel like someone doesn't know what's best for them, that's still not your call to make. If I said to my friend "I don't want to date you because I am not attracted to you", and they decided that wasn't a good enough reason and that they could make me happy anyway, that's pretty gross.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree. My approach to dating seems to be working pretty well, you let me know how yours goes.

 

[Saelune]

Now I wonder how people approach you asking you out. I think if someone you were close friends with, while spending time with you asked you politely if you would go on a date with, you wouldn't have a hard time explaining why the answer would be no. Some boundary crossing creep who starts rubbing on you without permission is more understandable why you would rather just reject and bolt.

If the issue here is the context of the rejection, then maybe that's the real issue.

Anyways, excluding molesters, if someone humanely asked you out, even if not a close friend, if they have any decency should respect an actual reason why you don't want to date them. People are more inclined to "get the message" when you clearly state it. It also adds closure. Sure its closure to a moment that may have lasted a mere 30 seconds, but I don't think its really worth it to leave people questioning and doubting.

Plus, for a relationship to work, both people have to want it. Not always easy to want someone who wants you back, and that's even when people to explain themselves. Why make relationships harder than they already are?

And I still genuinely...not even believe, but know that many people don't know what is best for themselves. That's not to say that gives other's the right to dictate that, but I think people are more likely to figure such things out if they are more open, to other people and other ideas and views. I don't think hiding behind a wall of "none of your business, don't even ask" really does that. Curiosity may lead to nosiness, but I don't think it is always equivalent.

The world isn't neatly divided into friends who will ask respectfully to date you and creepers who rub up on you.
Sometimes you have a dear friend who is kind of crossing lines. And nobody wants to tell a friend "I'm sorry, but the idea of kissing you makes me feel physically sick", so you can understand why I and other people are not dishing out receipts as to why we reject people.

A simple no is, and should be, enough. If "no" is not good enough for the person, then that becomes the new reason for me not to date them, whatever the original reason was.

And even if you feel like someone doesn't know what's best for them, that's still not your call to make. If I said to my friend "I don't want to date you because I am not attracted to you", and they decided that wasn't a good enough reason and that they could make me happy anyway, that's pretty gross.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree. My approach to dating seems to be working pretty well, you let me know how yours goes.

My ending conclusion merely results inn something I already knew: Everything in context. I still think in a general sense, people deserve atleast the base respect to let them know what the situation is. Sure, people may cross lines, even after that, but atleast then it becomes their decision to do so, and certainly wont make me think less of someone who then has to put their foot down against such people.

I'm not so idealistic to think we can all just hug and and sing and just have our problems neatly wrap themselves up at the end like an episode of Full House, but I am not so pessimistic to treat everyone who finds me appealing in some way as some line-crossing creep. Ive certainly known many, but even then, they are still people too.

 

[Mr Companion]

I think a reason why someone is rejected is a fair thing to give. Afterwards, respect that.

snip

Hey OP.

Look, I don't know you, so maybe I'm overstepping the boundaries here. But you don't sound like an unemotional person, and I'm not sure how you'd know that you have a low sex drive. These aren't things which just happen to you, like you hit a certain age and suddenly want sex all the time, real things and situations have to pull it out of you. Maybe that's what's happening to you now, and maybe part of why you can't deal with it is because you're so hung up on the idea of being an unemotional person.

I mean, let's do this rationally. You have made a friend with whom you share a lot of interests and hobbies. That's normally a good thing, so why is it registering to you as a bad thing? What fundamentally, is missing which you imagine would not be missing if you could date this person? Is it that you want to have sex with this person, is it that you worry that they will start dating someone else and be taken away from you, is it that you feel a social pressure to be in a relationship or worry that you're missing out on something by not being in one?

I mean, things will get better in time. It's not possible for most people to feel bad about something forever, so really as long as you keep getting up and grinding through the days things will improve, but you can speed it up I find by trying to figure out what is actually missing from your life, because sometimes people get trapped into thinking one person or one thing is the solution to all their problems, but in reality that's seldom true. Lots of people could probably make you happy if you gave them the same chance, but you need to know what it is you actually want.

The main reason I fell in love is a little of everything you said, but also because I want to be able to speak honestly with her. In truth I think the world of her, I wish I could speak earnestly with her and tell her how amazing she is but as a friend there is only so much that can be said without making the conversation very awkward. I want to understand her mind more intimately because she's fascinating. And then there's the the less noble reasons like plain loneliness.

I agree with you though, the reason I haven't tried love, romance or sex until now is because most people get into it for the wrong reasons. This was the first time I ever believed I felt something for the right reasons but in retrospect maybe I came on a little strong frontloading the whole love thing. If I'd asked her to date she'd probably have said yes XD

 

[Mr Companion]

It's a shame that it didn't work out for you. I think you've just got to give yourself more time, it's only been 2 weeks.
I always find Dr. Nerdlove gives good advice, so maybe give this a read: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2016/05/how-to-get-over-her/

snip

OP, do not do the thing. Seriously. Don't ask a girl why she doesn't have feelings for you, it will not end with her deciding all of a sudden that she does have feelings for you, it'll just make everything more awkward. Respect this girl's own opinions and emotions on the matter.

Don't worry I didn't do that. When the moment came we had a slightly awkward conversation where she said she didn't really feel that way about me, she said she was willing give it a try but she would feel like she would be leading me on so I said no because I figured she meant it would make her uncomfortable. Obviously she was flattered but in the end I diverted the conversation back to the everyday and we spent the rest of the day watching anime and playing games.

To give my 2 cents on the prolonged argument about whether to ask why or not I'll say that afterwards I wondered if I should have asked, if only to aid in improving myself. If a man doesn't know his own faults he can't improve in the future so I don't totally disagree with Sealune. But in the end I don't regret it at all because as far as I am concerned the lady's comfort goes above all else and even long before I had the talk with her I decided that the instant she seemed uncomfortable I would dedicate myself to undoing my feelings for her. What's important is that she said no, if she changes her mind (and I'm not going to hold out hope for that) then she can tell me herself. I can figure out my own flaws, I don't need to make her day weird for that.

Also thank you, it's nice to get the lady's perspective on the matter because it's hard for men to not be biased on the issue.

 

[Saelune]

It's a shame that it didn't work out for you. I think you've just got to give yourself more time, it's only been 2 weeks.
I always find Dr. Nerdlove gives good advice, so maybe give this a read: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2016/05/how-to-get-over-her/

snip

OP, do not do the thing. Seriously. Don't ask a girl why she doesn't have feelings for you, it will not end with her deciding all of a sudden that she does have feelings for you, it'll just make everything more awkward. Respect this girl's own opinions and emotions on the matter.

Don't worry I didn't do that. When the moment came we had a slightly awkward conversation where she said she didn't really feel that way about me, she said she was willing give it a try but she would feel like she would be leading me on so I said no because I figured she meant it would make her uncomfortable. Obviously she was flattered but in the end I diverted the conversation back to the everyday and we spent the rest of the day watching anime and playing games.

To give my 2 cents on the prolonged argument about whether to ask why or not I'll say that afterwards I wondered if I should have asked, if only to aid in improving myself. If a man doesn't know his own faults he can't improve in the future so I don't totally disagree with Sealune. But in the end I don't regret it at all because as far as I am concerned the lady's comfort goes above all else and even long before I had the talk with her I decided that the instant she seemed uncomfortable I would dedicate myself to undoing my feelings for her. What's important is that she said no, if she changes her mind (and I'm not going to hold out hope for that) then she can tell me herself. I can figure out my own flaws, I don't need to make her day weird for that.

Also thank you, it's nice to get the lady's perspective on the matter because it's hard for men to not be biased on the issue.

Not to try to resurrect the discussion, but honestly, I don't think you contradicted me. You asked her, she gave what seems an honest and fair response, and you felt that the best solution was to respect both hers and your happiness by declining what might have been a sub par relationship, and would seem your friendship remains.

And I would add that part of my personal point of view comes from having rejected people that I shouldn't have, and been the one to suffer for it. Plenty of times I personally wished people would push the issue, atleast slightly, but instead they "respected" my ill-conceived boundary, and I only ended up hurt.

 

[Mr Companion]

It's a shame that it didn't work out for you. I think you've just got to give yourself more time, it's only been 2 weeks.
I always find Dr. Nerdlove gives good advice, so maybe give this a read: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2016/05/how-to-get-over-her/

snip

OP, do not do the thing. Seriously. Don't ask a girl why she doesn't have feelings for you, it will not end with her deciding all of a sudden that she does have feelings for you, it'll just make everything more awkward. Respect this girl's own opinions and emotions on the matter.

snip

Not to try to resurrect the discussion, but honestly, I don't think you contradicted me. You asked her, she gave what seems an honest and fair response, and you felt that the best solution was to respect both hers and your happiness by declining what might have been a sub par relationship, and would seem your friendship remains.

And I would add that part of my personal point of view comes from having rejected people that I shouldn't have, and been the one to suffer for it. Plenty of times I personally wished people would push the issue, atleast slightly, but instead they "respected" my ill-conceived boundary, and I only ended up hurt.

That's fair enough. In a way it's hard to know how far to push it. If you don't show enough confidence then you could be underselling yourself/seem like a weiner/missing out, too much and you're being "that guy". For me it was the fact that we were under her roof, in her room and she had just gotten back from an emotionally trying visit to another town. Bad timing? Sure but I resolved to get it out of the way then and there and decided to drop it after. Yknow I kinda agree with you in the sense that if you don't seem like you want her bad enough then you're set for failure already. It's possible to be too polite, what she wants is probably a strong minded strong willed manly man who's totally confident it'll work and is crazy about her, showing backbone is probably not a bad thing.

I find myself in the odd position of agreeing with both of you.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

The main reason I fell in love is a little of everything you said, but also because I want to be able to speak honestly with her. In truth I think the world of her, I wish I could speak earnestly with her and tell her how amazing she is but as a friend there is only so much that can be said without making the conversation very awkward. I want to understand her mind more intimately because she's fascinating. And then there's the the less noble reasons like plain loneliness.

I agree with you though, the reason I haven't tried love, romance or sex until now is because most people get into it for the wrong reasons. This was the first time I ever believed I felt something for the right reasons but in retrospect maybe I came on a little strong frontloading the whole love thing. If I'd asked her to date she'd probably have said yes XD

Chin up OP, I know it's going to be hard because you feel like you had chemistry. There's nothing you could do about it and at least you have certainty the situation will not change. Maybe there will eventually be solace in knowing that.

You sound like you're dedicated to analyzing your own actions and improving yourself, that kind of introspection can only be to your benefit in the dating world. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before you find another that you click with.

 

[Mr Companion]

snip

Chin up OP, I know it's going to be hard because you feel like you had chemistry. There's nothing you could do about it and at least you have certainty the situation will not change. Maybe there will eventually be solace in knowing that.

You sound like you're dedicated to analysing your own actions and improving yourself, that kind of introspection can only be to your benefit in the dating world. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before you find another that you click with.

Cheers mate! Also you're right, I'm big into introspection. I dealt with the raw emotional sadness within 2 days, the psychological effects are taking much longer. I've joined a gym, solved my medical issues and started socialising more in the 2 weeks preceding it. What better way to deal with it than redirecting my efforts to improving myself?

Thanks for contributing to the discussion, chatting about it has been very helpful.