Need girlfriend advice.... badly....

[craftomega]

Ok so here is some context. I have known this girl lets call her Laura, for 8 years now. We have been dating on and off for 6 of them. She has always been there when I needed her, abit that has been very rare. So for this stint it has been over a year now, and I have givin it my best, but I just dont feel the same way she does. She really loves me, like cannot live without you kind of love. She is not possesive or crazy in that way though...


So here are the problems:
1: I dont feel the same way she does, I could stop seeing her tommorow and would barly blink an eye, I want her as a friend but if we broke up I would not care.

2: I cant be what she needs, she needs a BF that can be there for her, and take care of her. But honestly I dont want to take care of her, or anyone for that matter.

3: I want to see other people, there is this girl I like she is a few years younger but I really feel a connection with her.


So here I am a 22 year old guy, who can take care of himself, but wants to shirk resposibility for a few more years. I dont want to break her heart, because I have hurt her before, but she keeps coming back, and I cant say no. I cant find a reason to break up with her; that she would understand. And because I cant find a reason, I am unsure whether I should; break up with her.

I have given this relationship a good fair chance, but I am just not feeling it, I simply dont feel the same way, but I do want her to be happy.

 

[gazumped]

I dont want to break her heart, because I have hurt her before, but she keeps coming back, and I cant say no. I cant find a reason to break up with her; that she would understand. And because I cant find a reason, I am unsure whether I should; break up with her.

Really, I think you know what the answer to this is, but maybe you're just looking for some confirmation from other people so you don't have to feel so guilty.

So here it is: You've gotta be cruel to be kind. Be honest with her, tell her you don't feel that way about her, tell her you want her to be happy and you're not the man to be able to make her happy. Break up with her.

No, she probably won't be able to understand. And I've been in her position, crazy about a guy who cared about me but not in THAT way, and for a while I just could not accept that we weren't meant to be together. But you know what? I got over it. But I could only get over it after he'd broken it off with me. Took me a long while even after that, but for as long as you're still dating her, she's still being given hope that you and her have a chance. It's only once you leave her (and stick with it!) that she will understand that there is more for her out there than you.

Just because you cannot find a reason that would suit her at the moment does not mean you don't have a reason for yourself to break up with her. In fact, you've just listed several. It is not your job to sacrifice your life for someone else, even someone you care about. At least, not to the extent of living a lie and losing your own chance to find happiness with someone you might really love for the sake of a friend not feeling rejected.

She will probably feel heartbroken. Tough. You probably won't be the last person to break her heart, she's just going to have to deal with it, I'm afraid.

I also suggest that after breaking up with her, you have as little contact as possible with her for a while. If you remain close friends immediately after the break up it makes two main problems: 1. It'll be harder for you to stay firm with the break up when you can see how much she's hurting and 2. Even if you do stay firm it will be harder for her to find her independence from you when you're still right by her side. Again, I'm talking from experience here.

Oh yeah, and also, there is a chance that once you have completely broken it off from the girl you've been romantically involved with for six years, you will find that YOU miss HER. I'm not saying that you should completely ignore this feeling, but do take it with a pinch of salt, especially if you've not started a new relationship yet. It may well be a case of missing the familiar and having someone there for you, rather than that you've suddenly realised that you were wrong about your feelings for her for the last six years.

EDIT: And I feel the need to re-iterate, you say you 'can't say no'. Well, learn to. For both your sakes.

 

[adam352]

You're going to have to bite the bullet and break it off I'm afraid. I know how horrible it can be, but the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. What to tell her? That's always horrible because you still care for her and want to hurt her as little as possible, but she deserves honesty. Just tell her that you don't feel the same way that she does, be firm and don't break down, it's for the best.

You might be able to salvage some friendship from this, although that's always difficult to judge, but for the meantime you should get used to the idea of having as little contact with her as possible for a while to make it easier for her.

Finally: this girl has been part of your life for a long time, and that changing is going to be strange, but you need to make sure you don't go back to her for booty call reasons etc.

Good luck man, I sympathise with you on this, hope it helps

 

[Vegosiux]

So here I am a 22 year old guy, who can take care of himself, but wants to shirk resposibility for a few more years. I dont want to break her heart, because I have hurt her before, but she keeps coming back, and I cant say no. I cant find a reason to break up with her; that she would understand. And because I cant find a reason, I am unsure whether I should; break up with her.

I'll be blunt. Your hesitation doesn't come from "your desire for her to be happy", it comes from "your desire to not look like the bad guy." Why do I say that? Because you know she won't be happy with you, but you also know you'll have to do something painful to make a clean cut, and you don't want to be the one to doit. Which is perfectly human and natural, I might add.

Still, as others have said; you'll just have to set your cards on the table and show her the situation for what it is. And no, it's not an easy thing to do, but you're the one who has to do it.

 

[chozo_hybrid]

You're young, she's young, you'll both recover and move on. Better to be honest and face immediate wrath and eventual forgiveness, then lie, eventually have it all fall apart and have her hate you forever.

 

[Angie7F]

Pretty obvious you are not into her.
When you find someone you really like, you will want to take care of that person.

 

[disgruntledgamer]

You don't want to hurt her "again", but somehow you think stringing her along will somehow make things better? Man and I thought I was cold. FYI the longer you delay it the worse it's going to be.

 

[Galletea]

Do it now.

There is no point in sparing her feelings because you will not be able to keep the farce going forever, and at the breaking point she'll find out how long you've been pretending, and that will hurt a lot more and a lot longer than just breaking it off. It doesn't matter what clichés you use or how you do it, just get on with it and move on with your life.

She'll get over it. And she'll get over it a lot easier now than if you wait and do it later.