Seriously, really long post, I appreciate your time and patience but I'm not expecting anything.
Sorry for the LONG post, I'd be grateful if anyone could help, thanks.
In secondary school I wasn't exactly popular, (how every story starts), I had a small group of friends, we were all kinda misfits without that much in common but we were friends nonetheless. I had a few relationships in school, none lasted longer than a week and all of them I was cheated on or used. I lost my virginity when I was 14 to a girl who sleeps around, I wasn't ready but I wanted to impress what few friends I had.
A few years later, in my last year of school and my first year of college I was actually very popular, confident, I had loads of girls after me and a lot of friends. However my only relationships had been pretty terrible up to that point so I treated women the only way I knew how, the way they had treated me in the past. I was using people for sex just as they had used me. I was genuinely nice to everyone until I got fed up of them.
It was in college I had 2 very important relationships. My first was a girl I "rescued" from an abusive, cheating, nazi I had met at college. Everything was going well but my popularity with women was growing and I couldn't resist, so I cheated, multiple times, and each time I told her because I felt it was the right thing to do, each time it hurt her but I couldn't or maybe wouldn't stop. Our relationship ended and it was my fault. A year later I met a friend of a friend one night and we hit it off, we were getting on really well and started a relationship, again after a few months I cheated and told her, feeling it was the right thing. We broke up.
Now, I want what I can't have and so, I pursue these girls multiple times when I can't have them and end up having them again, then messing it up. I've done this to too many girls to count. I was a horrible person.
I got older and it was time to go to university. I felt like moving away and gaining a fresh start was the best idea so I did. When I got to university all my confidence and experience had just left me. I couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't work or wake up for uni. I fell into a spiral. To escape I spent all my student loans on video games, films and food. My daily routine would be something like;
5pm - Wake Up, play video games
9pm - Get takeaway (usually 20" pizza and ben and jerry's ice cream)
10pm - Play more video games
2am - Get a bargain bucket from KFC
3am - Play more video games
6am - Go to McDonald's for breakfast then go back to playing video games
9am - Get a bacon and sausage baguette from the bakery and go shopping
12pm - Go to sleep.
This would be everyday for about a year.
Throughout this year I became more and more depressed, rarely leaving my bedroom for anything but food and the toilet. I gained 10 stone, hadn't spoken to another human in person for a year and I decided to quit uni because I wasn't showing up and was going to fail. I even attempted to take my own life multiple times but wasn't brave enough to do it.
I went back home, started living with my mum who decided she was going move away, instead of going with her she gave me some money to try and find a place to rent and let me stay with my brother. Nowhere would rent to me because I had no job or references and my friends weren't ready to move out. I was staying at my brothers for 6 months when he eventually had enough and wanted me out, I had spent all of my mum's money on food and video games...
I stayed at a friends house for a few months, paying them some board from my benefits. However his parents were arguing and didn't trust each other and somehow I got caught up in the middle of it. His dad accused me of sleeping with his mum, (just to clarify, no I didn't!). I was made homeless, I had no money but my brother was able to look after all of my stuff.
My mum found out because one of the girls I told you about (the second one I was serious with, she still cared about me), told her, I was shipped to the other end of the country. I still cared about this girl, a lot, but she's now happy with her new boyfriend, obviously I want her back but I don't know whether it's wanting what I can't have or whether I genuinely want to be with her.
I'm now 22 years old and almost just as heavy as my age, living with my mum, I work in a holiday camp on bars (which is helping me lose weight), but I pay all of my money to my mum for rent, what little I can save ends up going on food or video games (for escapism), I'm still depressed but I'm starting to gain confidence, I know what I want out of life but I have no motivation.
So, what do I want?
Well my goals are to go from 20 stone back to being 10 stone, save up my money so I can move back to the other side of the country (back to my friends), gain confidence, I've decided I want to study English on top of my many media qualifications and become a journalist and lastly, I want her back.
So advice time, can I do this? What advice would you give me for any of these things.
How can I remain motivated without stagnating into vegging out eating tubs of ice cream and playing games non-stop while still enjoying these things?
Do I need professional help or can I do this?
A few years later, in my last year of school and my first year of college I was actually very popular, confident, I had loads of girls after me and a lot of friends. However my only relationships had been pretty terrible up to that point so I treated women the only way I knew how, the way they had treated me in the past. I was using people for sex just as they had used me. I was genuinely nice to everyone until I got fed up of them.
It was in college I had 2 very important relationships. My first was a girl I "rescued" from an abusive, cheating, nazi I had met at college. Everything was going well but my popularity with women was growing and I couldn't resist, so I cheated, multiple times, and each time I told her because I felt it was the right thing to do, each time it hurt her but I couldn't or maybe wouldn't stop. Our relationship ended and it was my fault. A year later I met a friend of a friend one night and we hit it off, we were getting on really well and started a relationship, again after a few months I cheated and told her, feeling it was the right thing. We broke up.
Now, I want what I can't have and so, I pursue these girls multiple times when I can't have them and end up having them again, then messing it up. I've done this to too many girls to count. I was a horrible person.
I got older and it was time to go to university. I felt like moving away and gaining a fresh start was the best idea so I did. When I got to university all my confidence and experience had just left me. I couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't work or wake up for uni. I fell into a spiral. To escape I spent all my student loans on video games, films and food. My daily routine would be something like;
5pm - Wake Up, play video games
9pm - Get takeaway (usually 20" pizza and ben and jerry's ice cream)
10pm - Play more video games
2am - Get a bargain bucket from KFC
3am - Play more video games
6am - Go to McDonald's for breakfast then go back to playing video games
9am - Get a bacon and sausage baguette from the bakery and go shopping
12pm - Go to sleep.
This would be everyday for about a year.
Throughout this year I became more and more depressed, rarely leaving my bedroom for anything but food and the toilet. I gained 10 stone, hadn't spoken to another human in person for a year and I decided to quit uni because I wasn't showing up and was going to fail. I even attempted to take my own life multiple times but wasn't brave enough to do it.
I went back home, started living with my mum who decided she was going move away, instead of going with her she gave me some money to try and find a place to rent and let me stay with my brother. Nowhere would rent to me because I had no job or references and my friends weren't ready to move out. I was staying at my brothers for 6 months when he eventually had enough and wanted me out, I had spent all of my mum's money on food and video games...
I stayed at a friends house for a few months, paying them some board from my benefits. However his parents were arguing and didn't trust each other and somehow I got caught up in the middle of it. His dad accused me of sleeping with his mum, (just to clarify, no I didn't!). I was made homeless, I had no money but my brother was able to look after all of my stuff.
My mum found out because one of the girls I told you about (the second one I was serious with, she still cared about me), told her, I was shipped to the other end of the country. I still cared about this girl, a lot, but she's now happy with her new boyfriend, obviously I want her back but I don't know whether it's wanting what I can't have or whether I genuinely want to be with her.
I'm now 22 years old and almost just as heavy as my age, living with my mum, I work in a holiday camp on bars (which is helping me lose weight), but I pay all of my money to my mum for rent, what little I can save ends up going on food or video games (for escapism), I'm still depressed but I'm starting to gain confidence, I know what I want out of life but I have no motivation.
So, what do I want?
Well my goals are to go from 20 stone back to being 10 stone, save up my money so I can move back to the other side of the country (back to my friends), gain confidence, I've decided I want to study English on top of my many media qualifications and become a journalist and lastly, I want her back.
So advice time, can I do this? What advice would you give me for any of these things.
How can I remain motivated without stagnating into vegging out eating tubs of ice cream and playing games non-stop while still enjoying these things?
Do I need professional help or can I do this?
Sorry for the LONG post, I'd be grateful if anyone could help, thanks.
