Nevermind.

[Deletethisaccplz]

Nevermind lol, I'll try and improve my writing some more.

 

[Queen Michael]

To be honest, it's a bit too in medias res for me. I mean, when you write a story that way well, the reader gets a sense of knowing what's going on even though s/he really doesn't, but here, you don't really get a sense of place. What I'm trying to say is that in that first sentence, "The soldiers were merciless. The scientists were all shot like dogs, a mass execution of sorts that should never happen in this day and age.", it seems like you're giving a description of something that has taken place over a long period of time when in fact it's going on right now. So yeah, I'd say you need to make it very clear what kind of room this is taking place in. At least describe what the room looked like in more detail.

 

[Deletethisaccplz]

To be honest, it's a bit too in medias res for me. I mean, when you write a story that way well, the reader gets a sense of knowing what's going on even though s/he really doesn't, but here, you don't really get a sense of place. What I'm trying to say is that in that first sentence, "The soldiers were merciless. The scientists were all shot like dogs, a mass execution of sorts that should never happen in this day and age.", it seems like you're giving a description of something that has taken place over a long period of time when in fact it's going on right now. So yeah, I'd say you need to make it very clear what kind of room this is taking place in. At least describe what the room looked like in more detail.

Good point, I edited it a bit.

The room the 'doctor' has locked himself in is an interesting one - imagine a sort of a control room-looking thing with huge windows and sort of a mad scientist-looking control panel under the windows which are overlooking a large open area where the execution would take place.

From a technical sense, there's not much wrong with the story, but if you're going to go through all of the work required for a novel, or even a novella or novelette, you're really going to want to go for something that isn't cliché, because it's a shame to go through the work you need for a novel for the end result to be derivative.

Yeah, but... I really like zombies. And stories about zombies. And maybe stories about stories-- you get my point.

 

[Deletethisaccplz]

Thanks for the feedback. Anyway, she mostly asked 'that' in the heat of the moment.

That bit of dialog you mentioned - I'm not so sure about it either, thanks for pointing that out for me. Now that I'm looking at it a second time, it sounds like something out of a B-movie.

 

[Valksy]

Write because you find it fun, don't stress about finding an audience. I like zombies too but it is an over-done genre and a lot of what you are describing sounds familiar. Which is fine if you write for your own entertainment (which is what you should be doing) but expect to be called on it if you show it to someone.

In terms of dialogue, if you have a quiet place then try saying your own lines of dialogue out loud (or out loud in your own head, if that makes sense). I find that it is usually pretty obvious if a dialogue line is completely unbelievable or unrealistic.

 

[Keava]

Yay. Constructive cruelty time.

First things first. Work on the construction of sentences. Starting every new one with a character name is pain to read, try to add some flow to the descriptions else it reads like random scraps rather than a consistent story.

Second thing. The dialogue lacks any sort of emotions. From that brief fragment i lack context of the whole story and character's involved, but it seems rather like some tense moment, yet they all act quite apathetic. There is no contrast, no conflict, they just sigh and roll their eyes while the doc apparently wants to not only go on killing spree but put them all in danger.

Another thing is general lack of dynamism. He shoots the door mechanism and yet it's described as it was a standard procedure, something that everyone would do. Just yet another uninteresting event of everyday life. It feels disconnected. It happens again later, as they leave, just like they, ah even throwing a last glance as if they had plenty of time for long, romantic goodbyes, there is no sense of danger, no pressure but plenty of nostalgia.

 

[Mr Thin]

I'm not really feeling any urgency.

I mean, he's about to release this gas on them, and their emotional reactions have about the same amount of intensity as they would if he suggested they stop off at the cafe for a coffee, maybe a bite to eat.

Also, this doctor, Eric, he seems very courteous considering he's trying to kill them all. I think he should be kind of pissed off, have a bit more motivation.

Otherwise, it's pretty good.

Edit: Damn, ninja'd by 1 minute.