Odd trouble with the ex

[hazabaza1]

Alright, so this is going to fucking reek of "first world problems" but whatever. It's something I don't know what to do about.

So if you haven't seen any of my relevant posts recently let me bring you up to speed.

About a month or two ago my now ex ended things between us. It wasn't great, especially the way she ended things (that being a facebook message while I was at work [sub]and yes she does know the times I'm at work it wasn't just a coincidence[/sub]. She also happened to be according to her at the movies when I got home so I couldn't respond to it, and we haven't properly spoken about it since.)

If this was just some random girl then it wouldn't be a problem but the main issue is that she's a member of the friendship group me and my mates have going on and the last time we met up the only reason things weren't awkward is because we had like, 3 or 4 other people to distract ourselves with.

But shit happens and when you don't conclude things they tend to stew and that's what's going on here. On my side at least. The more I think about it the more I just want to cut things off with her completely. How she ended things was cowardly and shows minimal amount of effort to want to maintain any kind of friendship we might have had. Plus, the more I think about it the less I see why we were friends in the first place. She's got a lot of personality traits that I quite frankly hate, and I think I was only willing to put up with them pre and during relationship because I was infatuated with her. Now that my head's on a bit tighter I've clicked that I want to stay away.

The problem comes in with the friendship group. Most of us don't meet up often, and when we do we like to get as many as possible. This is a bit hard to explain, but these friends... I don't have a great time with them. They're fun for a few hours, and I can keep pretending for like, a whole day that I'm enjoying myself, but after those first few hours I'm wishing most of them would leave so I can just enjoy myself by myself of just hanging out with the one exception in the group. I'd say that this guy is my best, and now that I think of it, only close friend.

So, while ending things wouldn't cutting things off completely wouldn't bother me too much, my 'friends' (wow I sound like a dick' might take is a bit harshly, and I don't really want that. Second problem is that the ex is still texting me asking if I'm going to come to the meet-ups happening at the weekend.

So... what do I do? Do I tell her outright that I probably won't be coming to any more? 'Cos if I do that then other people will start asking questions, but those guys don't deserve my malice, I just don't really enjoy my time with them. How do you tell someone that lightly, seriously?
Do I just keep on ignoring them? I've stopped responding on facebook due to can't be arsed-ness, but if I don't respond to text message, they're going to get suspicious and persistent or something.
The only way I'd want to keep going is if me and the ex could sort things out one on one, but I know her. She won't do that, and fair enough for her. It's not surprisingly that someone wouldn't take half an hour of their time reach the person who's going to have a go at her for christ knows how long.

Fuck, I dunno. That one friend I mentioned probably won't bother me with the intricacies unless I mention them to him, he's cool like that, but everyone else... I dunno. It's like I just want to make things like I was never in their lives, it'd makes things a hell of a lot easier for me.

So, to end this incoherent babbling... any help?

 

[Legion]

Tricky.

The most common piece of advice would be that you seem to have "outgrown" most of your friends and may be better off trying to expand your social life elsewhere.

You say you have the one close friend, why not speak to him about it? Tell him you find it awkward hanging around with the group when your ex is there, and maybe try doing stuff with just you two a bit more?

Overall you don't seem particularly bothered about not spending time around the others. Your concern seems more about not upsetting them by putting off meeting up with them. The problem is, if you are not willing to break away from them you will either have to carry on pretending you want to spend time with them, or else risk annoying them by making excuses not to or ignoring them.

I'd suggest speaking to your ex properly about what happened. Even if you keep it brief, but it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved feelings in regards to that relationship. You could simply tell her how it made you feel the way she ended the relationship, and how it is uncomfortable spending time amongst the group with her while pretending nothing happened.

 

[hazabaza1]

Overall you don't seem particularly bothered about not spending time around the others. Your concern seems more about not upsetting them by putting off meeting up with them.

Yeah that pretty much sums it up.

Talking to anyone else in the group one on one (that being the ex or the good friend) is kind of hard because I think they're meeting up tomorrow and everyone else will be there so... could be hard.
Taking what you said into consideration I might just write a big (mostly true) spiel and send it into the group chat in Facebook. Could get things sorted without getting everyone to come all the way out just to say I don't want to see them anymore.

 

[Carlo One]

I have sympathy for your situation, as the group now sounds like a burden rather than a benefit. If you're in multiple groups and have other things going on, it's easier to just drift away without being hassled about it. It's a bit ironic that the breakup with the ex happened on Facebook and you also want to handle things that way with the group, although being Facebooked upset you in the first place. Usually those kind of relationship ending notes aren't well-received, unless they're short, to the point, take the high road (i.e. avoid personal digs), and really are final. A tough combo.

Although it's not so easy, like Legion I'd say man up and talk (in person) to your one real friend about what's going on. Even if the group dynamic can't be fixed, it'll make you feel better about things and at least someone else will know what's going on. As Legion mentioned, it looks like you've outgrown the group, but good people like your friend deserve to be interacted with honestly. As far as the ex goes, hard to say if you'll gain anything by confronting her (and it would be a confrontation). Usually dealing with toxic people just gets you more poisoned, rather than less.

Eventually you'll start new adventures with new people, so hang in there during the transition.

 

[AWAR]

A thug dat would end thangs up in such a way don't deserve ta be yo' playa.

Shez obviously a funky-ass bad thug dat lacks moral fiber.

Are you honestly going to continue talking like that?

 

[hazabaza1]

A thug dat would end thangs up in such a way don't deserve ta be yo' playa.

Shez obviously a funky-ass bad thug dat lacks moral fiber.

Thanks, Snoop. I think I needed that.

snip

Haven't got around to telling them if I do but I don't really have an issue using facebook with it because otherwise it's a matter of getting them all together to tell them. It seems a bit unfair to do that, unlike the more personal relationships that generally benefit with some more 1 to 1 discussion.

I've been thinking about how to mention it to my other friend. We've known each other for a while and we still meet up with one another regardless of if the group does or not, so it's hard to gauge how he'll react.

 

[prophecy2514]

In the exact same situation a few years back with an ex of mine. Long story short I tried staying friends with the friendship group, but its more hassle than benefit, whole time I was with the group I was thinking "why am I still here with these people wasting time?".

Tell your ex your busy, can't hang out. Give her the malice she deserves. She doesn't need to know the full truth anymore, now that she's made the biggest mistake of her love life dumping you hazabaza

Haven't got around to telling them if I do but I don't really have an issue using facebook with it because otherwise it's a matter of getting them all together to tell them. It seems a bit unfair to do that, unlike the more personal relationships that generally benefit with some more 1 to 1 discussion.

Getting them all together to tell them? Thats a little melodramatic, just slowly drift away from them e.g. decline opportunities to hang out with them and such. They will soon stop bothering you because they know you'll be busy and say no. They will get the picture, and its not malicious in any way

I've been thinking about how to mention it to my other friend. We've known each other for a while and we still meet up with one another regardless of if the group does or not, so it's hard to gauge how he'll react.

Just say you don't want to be around your ex anymore. Simple as that, its pretty understandable in general for people not to want to be around their ex partners and their mates. "If he/she asks why are you still hanging out with me though?" simple. Flattery. Laugh and say cause your still awesome thats why, or cause you smell like elderberries...I like elderberries. Or another shitty joke like that. They'll get the picture.