Offend me

[Fasckira]

Offend me!

I guess the easiest way would just be to share with the Escapist community the story of the time your dad went to that talent agency? An attempt to try and offend you a different way (though more likely to make you initially dimiss it then later on when you're going to sleep that night you'll suddenly reflect on it a bit more, assuming you read it word for word).

Your dad walked into the aforementioned talent agency and said to the agent, "I've got a wonderful act that involves my whole family!". The agent shook his head and said dismissively, "We dont do family acts, no one pays to see them these days.". Your dad was persistent though and eventually the agent agreed and asked to hear what happened.

"First of all, I jump up on stage stark naked and ram a tuba between my arse. Then I smear jam over my penis and yell out for my family to join me. At this point my son who happens to go by the name of CpT_x_Killsteal jumps up onto stage with me and my wife and begin licking the jam off my penis. After a few seconds I strain a dribbly runny shit out through the tuba and angle it towards my family who scoopy it out the instrument and proceed to smear it over each other's faces.
While this is going on, I stick my fingers down my throat and retch till I puke up all over my wife and kid. My kid then starts jacking off, using all the bodily fluids as a form of lubrication onto my wife's grinning face, and I join him once Ive wiped my mouth clean on his hair. As we both cum in unison onto my wife's face, she scoops the sperm off and flicks two handfuls back into of our mouths while shouting 'spiderman!'. I then turn to my son and begin making out with him, swilling the sperm into his mouth and he returns the favour.
During this scene, my wife brings out a dead donkey and rips its stomach open. She then pulls out its intestines and wraps my son and I up tightly before ripping her own soiled clothing off and grinding up against us.
My son then chews through the intestines and swallows them all up before shoving my wife down into the remains of the donkey. He rips his own clothes off and begins humping my wife hard as I then clamber on top of him and rape his ass in tempo with his own thrusts. I moan and start to repeatedly headbutt CpT_x_Killsteal in the back of the head as I reach climax and just as he begins to cry out I donkey punch him in the back of the neck. His head snaps forward and bursts my wifes nose open and she starts to sneeze bloody snot over the pair of us. Just as my son reaches his own climax, I jump off him, pull him to his feet and kick him hard in the balls. He doubles over, my wife jumps up too and we all turn to the audience and bow."

The agent of course was stunned and said after a moment's silence, "What... what on earth do you call this act?!"
Your dad just grinned, waved his hands in the air and said, "The Aristocrats!".

(this is based on a long standing joke.... please see this link for more info [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(joke)])

 

[Bitcoon]

You post crap like this online in the hope that people will read it in the voice of detached intellectualism you imagined when you wrote it instead of, y'know, the same desperate idiocy you hear from everybody else's comments (because you're in the 10% of smart people on the internet, obviously). You go on a forum to say how you can't be offended and take a pop at all the crybabies who whine about issues you're sure you wouldn't let bother you, but when you encounter any kind of aggression, conflict or abuse in the real world from actual people you react like the moist-eyed little ***** to end all bitches...but hey, no need to think about that as long as you stay at your computer. No tough kids shouting at you from the corner or parents who see straight through your bullshit self-image on here.

Or... he's just like me and petty insults and not-meant-in-a-bad-way "racism" or other stupid crap that offends everyone (like using "fag" or "retard" as insults) just don't faze him.

It's really hard to offend me, because I have learned the oft-forgotten art of making fun of myself. Whatever you can say bad about me, I either know is wrong or I could say worse (and maybe have) about myself. It doesn't bother me. The only thing that DOES offend me is when people are offended by something stupid. I am offended that some arrogant prick thinks someone around me is doing something that might be seen as somewhat politically incorrect, and despite NOT being a part of the offended group (ESPECIALLY when I actually am) or even having one of them around (they usually don't care either) they feel the need to make a shitstorm out of nothing.

By being offended for another group of which you are no part, usually it's just a way of inflating your own ego, at the expense of everyone around you. It's not helpful; people know when they're being insensitive and they know when not to make comments that might actually offend someone. Rare is the person who would actually benefit from being called out on it. So it's just abrasive and annoying.

 

[Ljs1121]

You are a splendid human being and I wish you the best in life.

Also, I'm sure your mother is a wonderful lady.

AW SNAP BURN SON

 

[Glademaster_v1legacy]

You have "thickened skin"?

Read: "I belong to a priveleged majority and have never encountered discrimination in my life."

He's also 17. So a lot of the stuff that could really offend is still on the way. Coming like a freight train, but not quite there yet. Give him a few years and see if he makes the thread again. For now we should just smile at how adorable he is.

That and puberty, that ones gonna hit like a well swung ax hitting a Mellon.

17 and not gone through puberty yet/started it??? That's some seriously late blooming.

 

[sextus the crazy]

Male
Aged 17
White
Blonde hair blue eyes.
Went through serious depression. Borderline psychotic at one stage.
Live in the bush and rarely leave the house.
Australian living in Australia. Half Swedish.
Atheist.
Stretch marks on lower back from growth spurt.
Not fat, but terribly unfit.
Parents divorced.
Anime fan.
Watch hentai.
Virgin.
Liberal (I guess?).

Wow. That sounds exactly like me. Only I'm American, so I have default superiority.

 

[Yugeky20]

Australian living in Australia. Half Swedish.

South Australia? Cause if so you should get ready.

 

[Mikodite]

-- snip

According to Wikipedia the definition of 'Thick Skinned'. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thick_skin]

You see, that is not what the OP was describing when he spoke of being 'thick skinned' and neither are you.

I hate to say it, but just because you think something is stupid and trivial, doesn't make it stupid or trivial.

As far as 'being offended' goes, I'm with Cracked.com's Christina H on this: "Being offended is your reaction to things that are wrong." That being the case, if nothing offends you, that means you do not have a working moral compass or a soul.

Or maybe you like the status quo.

And 'people getting offended by stupid shit' offends you? Are you taking offense to people saying that there is something wrong with something?

Now, stop being so prideful of the fact that you have so little apathy or are so much a sociopath that nothing offends you. Its not a trait to be proud of, and it is only appreciated by other soulless ninnies who can't understand this thing called 'morals' and assume anyone who is offended to a given horror is simply being exposed to it for the first time and will toughen up in the right time, or are weak minded simpletons who can't walk outside without having a fainting spell.

 

[Shaved Apple]

I would but uhh. I don't feel like getting flagged.

 

[Sam Plater]

I have an IQ of 207, I am a mathematical genius, a literary guru and am philosophically insightful. I am in peak physical condition, I can run 50 miles with ease and am the captain of my university's basketball team. I am 6 feet 5 inches tall, I have been featured in several magazines for my style, I have a beautiful and intelligent girlfriend who will love me until the end of time. I am perfect in every way, I am so much better than you that you do not even deserve to read the words I have typed. Your pathetic attempt to show your 'superior' mind is laughable to me. I pity you and anyone who has ever met you, for you will never be as good as me, not if you tried until the universe collapsed upon itself and you were somehow the only person left in the infinity of what is beyond space, the memory of this message and the perfection that is me would still outshine you.

Apparently "shit" was in a state some individuals would, upon being pressed, describe as "so cash".

Gah! How did you know my secret identity!

 

[twohundredpercent]

You're a sick, perverted, virgin who can't play sports. No wonder why your parents got a divorce. There's pretty much nothing interesting or worthwhile about you. If there was you wouldn't need to start this thread.

 

[Lord Kloo]

You're white, male, a teenager, living in a democracy, is of a respected religious perspective and is probably straight

There is no way to offend you because honestly none of the above offends anyone enough to actually offend you back, apart from the liberal or atheist but even then since you probably don't have doubts about you atheism or your liberal views then you won't get offended.

Also you probably just don't care about the world enough or anything in it, I didn't give two shits about gay rights and such like until I actually discovered I was bi but now I actually do get offended when the Christian-right says i'm a hell spawned monster who is breaking apart their shit society, its easy to get offended when people out there actually hate you or your choices but no-one (i think) hates you yet, give it a few years.

OT: I really can't think of a way of offending you other than you appear to be someone who thinks they are hard and thickskined because they can put up with people on the Internet, which is arrogance.

Try having a job where you work as hard as you can all day and all week and your boss still turns around and says you need to do things better or faster or says how bad you are at your job..

..then you have my permission to cry and be offended

 

[Savryc]

Your taste in head wear leaves something to be desired!