Oh God, I need some relationship help here guys.

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Far be it from me to turn to others for help with my relationships (I feel that only I can truly work things out for the best), but this has got me so boggled and bamboozled I have no idea what to do or how I should handle it. In other words, I need some help guys. For the record, we are both 17. And I'm sorry if I sound so bitter, it's just that I had this all worked out...

First off a bit of background on this girl and her temperament. She's not sexual, at all. She's fun and always happy, always with a smile on her face, she's a beautiful girl with a beautiful personality (which was why I loved her) but she can get very nervous about the smallest things and does NOT want any relationships at all as of yet (as I found out the hard way).

Well I liked this girl, and I thought she liked me. We became awesome friends, I popped the question and she said she doesn't want a relationship. Yeah, it hurt, but we stilled stayed friends, and I'll admit that I was still a bit of a hoper for a while. We went out a few times on the town, got coffee together and stuff. About a month ago though she starts becoming really flirtatious and fucking hard to read. She calls me dear and hun and tells me she loves me, but then calls me 'mate' or 'my friend' afterwards, and constantly subtly reinforces that we are friends. On New Years Eve, after being flirtatious as usual, on the 12 mark she texts me with 'Happy new year, my friend!' with a bunch of kisses and hugs and lovehearts.

I'd fucking had enough by this point. I purged almost every feeling I had for her out of me. It hurt like hell, but I felt so good afterwards. I figured, 'Hey, I'm an attractive guy. I can find someone else to love, someone less complicated and someone who knows what they want.'

So I backed off emotionally, but we still text everyday, but I only leave the kisses and hugs and compliments out of habit, and so I don't hurt her feelings or whatever.

Now comes the fuck up. Just tonight in the middle of a text conversation she says 'I'm in a crazy mood so this is a crazy question, have you ever had sex?!'

And me, being a fucking idiot respond to her horniness drived stupidity. It went on as it does naturally all evening, she saying she wanted me in bed with her and wanted me to give her a 'good time', and me (still being a fucking idiot, driven by my weakness as a man) responding to it, saying I wanted her and playing along. I had no idea where it was going. You have no idea how strange this sounded coming out of this girl's mouth. She was like a completely different person.
It got to a point where she mentioned a time we were going to catch up later this week, a trip to the botanical gardens. She said we should find a little hidden spot together and I could do anything I wanted to her. My God.

I sat a little bewildered for a while, and as I was wondering what had happened to the sweet innocent girl I knew she texts again with a hastily mashed 'jks'.

Really. All of that was apparently 'jk'. And now she denies it, saying that she goes a little crazy and blathers on, gets carried away, and that she's such a joker. It completely broke then. I had no idea what to do. She was obviously so embarrased. I told her not to be, that it's totally natural and that I've done it myself. And she makes more excuses about how she's so crazy and that it must be because she's a writer. Then she hastily makes a goodnight, making a few more excuses about how she'd had a rough week and stuff.

But I know she just couldn't control her feelings, and I took advantage of it.

Now she's still acting all friendly and normal, but there is such a blanket of awkwardness over us now.

What the fuck do I do to make it right again?

I do still love her as a friend, and I still want to spend time with her, and I feel so guilty...

Some advice or just consolation would be appreciated, thanks guys

 

[DELETETHISACCOUNT]

While my girlfriend and I were still friends we found out that we liked each other, but she wasn't sure wanted an actual relationship yet or not especially since I was attending school about 300 miles away from her at the time (we both knew each other from high school, by the way). This was after I told her how and felt (and she felt the same way). We had also kissed and what not but other than we remained just friends for about three months We talked on the phone a lot while I was out of town but then she started saying things like she wanted to cuddle with me or kiss me and what not. Now, considering that at this point she said she didn't want a relationship it was confusing on my part.

Eventually I said "look, this is confusing me. I'm about to come home and see you and I have no idea how to react when I do because you're sending mixed messages about whether not you want to be just friends." She apologized for confusing me and said we'd talk about it as soon as I was back in town. We did (even though it was awkward and difficult) and we ended up going out and have been ever since.

Basically, you need to ask her to be truthful with you and stop sending mixed messages because it is confusing to you and isn't fair at all for her to do that to you. Just be honest and open and ask her to do the same. It'll be hard but you need to discuss with each other exactly what is happening. Communication is key to any kind of relationship. Without open and honest communication a relationship hits bad spots like the one you described and can even be destroyed.

Good luck.

 

[KindOfnElf]

I agree fully with the post above.
I learned something in my life till now and it works every time - communication. Straight, open and completely honest talk with the other side is always the best thing to do according to me. Don't torture your self this way, talk to the girl, tell her what you want, ask her to tell you what she wants and be on clear ground. It will both do you good.

Don't hate me for saying it, but my God girls are all messed up sometimes! Worst of all, they know when they are loved and are having fun with that in the most insensitive way.
(I know, I am a girl -_-)

 

[Loud Noise]

It's true! I agree with the above girls are so bad about sending mixed signals! I think it's because we assume that you know exactly what we're trying to say and then get hurt unfairly or feel like dolts when guys don't and it's not their fault. I think your best bet is to tell it straight and keep telling her she has nothing to worry about, especially with a nervous personality. if she's not really a sexual person she's still learning how to express it which is why the mess even happened however girls do appreciate when guys are assertive about how they feel and what they want. NOT dominant and opressive, but assertive.

 

[Imp Poster]

Sounds like she isn't sure that you are sure about your feelings for her. I understand that you respect her being, uh not sexual, whatever that means. Because when a girl tells me that and then turns around flirts hard(meaning really comfortable) with me, I try and test that not sexual thing. But I do it with my feelings for this girl. I let her know that she can trust me and my feelings for her. Not with just words either. Words can be fickle.

From reading what you said, it seems like she has given you alot of chances to go further(more intimate) in the relationship. Now, whether or not, she would have let you have sex, who knows but it was worth a shot to see how far. See, now, this is what is wrong with texting. People rely on it too much to communicate or I am getting too old and I don't see people through texting(if that's normal). Because if she was talking about sex through texting, my next reaction would have been, where can we meet right now? Because how the heck would I know if she is serious about talking about sex through texts? So of coarse, it is really easy to reel back and say she was joking at the end. Man, I must be getting old.

But I know she just couldn't control her feelings, and I took advantage of it.

Now she's still acting all friendly and normal, but there is such a blanket of awkwardness over us now.

What the fuck do I do to make it right again?

I do still love her as a friend, and I still want to spend time with her, and I feel so guilty...

Some advice or just consolation would be appreciated, thanks guys

Here is the important part: How do you feel about her? Do you love her as boyfriend/girlfriend or do you just want to be friends? Seems obvious she is into you. Because if you do value her as more than just friends, how are you portraying that if you are still on a level of friends to her(out of some reason of respect for her)? Don't wait for her to make you guys to be boyfriend/girlfriend, you got to make the move. Why do you feel guilty? Maybe you are NOT taking an advantage enough of all the opportunities she has given you and that is the reason why her feelings for you is out of control? Have you thought of that? Unless you want her to make the first move, tell her to or else you do it.

 

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Basically, you need to ask her to be truthful with you and stop sending mixed messages because it is confusing to you and isn't fair at all for her to do that to you. Just be honest and open and ask her to do the same. It'll be hard but you need to discuss with each other exactly what is happening. Communication is key to any kind of relationship. Without open and honest communication a relationship hits bad spots like the one you described and can even be destroyed.

Good luck.

To be honest I cannot fathom how she feels about me, and her constant 'friend' remarks are seeming a bit like reminders. You would think that asking me for sex would prove her feelings for me, but I seriously cannot fathom this girl, and to be honst I'm a bit sick of her at the moment. I do truly care about her, but her flaws are starting to get to me...

It's true! I agree with the above girls are so bad about sending mixed signals! I think it's because we assume that you know exactly what we're trying to say and then get hurt unfairly or feel like dolts when guys don't and it's not their fault. I think your best bet is to tell it straight and keep telling her she has nothing to worry about, especially with a nervous personality. if she's not really a sexual person she's still learning how to express it which is why the mess even happened however girls do appreciate when guys are assertive about how they feel and what they want. NOT dominant and opressive, but assertive.

Yeah she's obviously a bit sexually and emotionally immature, but now I'm not sure if I can be bothered coping with that...

Seriously, I think the thing that shocked me most is her even talking about sex, let alone asking me to feel her up in the botanical gardens, no giving me permission to do 'anything I wanted to her'. Now what the fuck kind of messages does that send to me? She has told me time and time again she feels no romance for me, yet she turns around and pulls this shit the next day, then tries to cover it up? In her defence though, she does really regret it. I just don't know where to go from here.

Sounds like she isn't sure that you are sure about your feelings for her. I understand that you respect her being, uh not sexual, whatever that means. Because when a girl tells me that and then turns around flirts hard(meaning really comfortable) with me, I try and test that not sexual thing. But I do it with my feelings for this girl. I let her know that she can trust me and my feelings for her. Not with just words either. Words can be fickle.

From reading what you said, it seems like she has given you alot of chances to go further(more intimate) in the relationship. Now, whether or not, she would have let you have sex, who knows but it was worth a shot to see how far. See, now, this is what is wrong with texting. People rely on it too much to communicate or I am getting too old and I don't see people through texting(if that's normal). Because if she was talking about sex through texting, my next reaction would have been, where can we meet right now? Because how the heck would I know if she is serious about talking about sex through texts? So of coarse, it is really easy to reel back and say she was joking at the end. Man, I must be getting old.

But I know she just couldn't control her feelings, and I took advantage of it.

Now she's still acting all friendly and normal, but there is such a blanket of awkwardness over us now.

What the fuck do I do to make it right again?

I do still love her as a friend, and I still want to spend time with her, and I feel so guilty...

Some advice or just consolation would be appreciated, thanks guys

Here is the important part: How do you feel about her? Do you love her as boyfriend/girlfriend or do you just want to be friends? Seems obvious she is into you. Because if you do value her as more than just friends, how are you portraying that if you are still on a level of friends to her(out of some reason of respect for her)? Don't wait for her to make you guys to be boyfriend/girlfriend, you got to make the move. Why do you feel guilty? Maybe you are NOT taking an advantage enough of all the opportunities she has given you and that is the reason why her feelings for you is out of control? Have you thought of that? Unless you want her to make the first move, tell her to or else you do it.

Yep, texting is the worst thing to happen to relationships since sex became something to be ashamed of. But no, she hasn't been giving me chances to further our 'relationship'. I didn't say this before, but I asked her again a couple of months after the first time, after we went out a couple of times. Same answer. I almost gave up, but was still a tiny bit hopeful, then that message on New Years Eve pissed me off so much I now have no desire for her at all. Awful to say that, but there it is (keep in mind I'm still really bitter, most of this will be exhaggerated...).

And to begin with I was very assertive. I made an effort to spend time with her for a couple of weeks, then at the end of a school day after a hug I asked her if she wanted to go out. I even gave her time alone to consider, THAT'S how much of a gentleman I was. Assertive hasn't worked with this girl, and there has certainly been no lack of it.

As to how I feel about her now? To be honest, I don't know. I do still care about her a lot, and she is obviously sorry and still wants to be friends. I think any want for romance between us has left me now, and I'm pretty relieved, to be honest. I'm tired of hanging on.

What the fuck do I do to make it right again?

I do still love her as a friend, and I still want to spend time with her, and I feel so guilty...

Some advice or just consolation would be appreciated, thanks guys

Hmm. She sounds really inconsistent with her feelings. While you did act on the things she said, she still said them and that is something you must consider when fixing this. She explained why, and that's a good thing. What I think you should do is sit her down, ask her why she said that for sure just so you can get the truth out and from there you can tel her you are sorry for acting on what she said. When both apologies are accepted, you can simply ask if things are ok between us, and seal the deal. Most often, people feel better when the other person involved talks and confirms that things are better/okay and from there you can start acting normal towards her knowing she said that, and gradually she should hopefully do the same.

I hope this helps!

Now the fact that SHE SAID THEM is what has me most confused and annoyed. I only responded in the way she wanted me to... Is that so bad you say? Yes it is, because I feel guilty about it and I took advantage of her sexual immaturity... She didn't know how to express herself. Maybe it was only directed at me because I was her only outlet, and not through any feelings for me?


MASSIVE SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.

Oh well. I'll figure it out. Thanks for all your help so far guys and girls, love you all.

 

[Zer_]

Be concise, and explain to her that the mixed messages are really getting to you. If she still sends you mixed messages (with no real improvement) then explain to her that she has a choice to make in that case. Either she tries to stop the mixed messages, or you move on.

If she at least makes an effort, then thank her for trying, at least at that point you know she cares about you enough to try.

 

[Zaverexus]

Have you considered whether she might be toying with you? It sounds like you two are close enough that you would know but I had a friend get into a lousy relationship like that and I've had it done to me, it sucks.

 

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Have you considered whether she might be toying with you? It sounds like you two are close enough that you would know but I had a friend get into a lousy relationship like that and I've had it done to me, it sucks.

If it were any other girl I would think that too, but not this girl.

 

[Zaverexus]

Have you considered whether she might be toying with you? It sounds like you two are close enough that you would know but I had a friend get into a lousy relationship like that and I've had it done to me, it sucks.

If it were any other girl I would think that too, but not this girl.

That's what I figured, it sounds like you know her very well.

 

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Have you considered whether she might be toying with you? It sounds like you two are close enough that you would know but I had a friend get into a lousy relationship like that and I've had it done to me, it sucks.

If it were any other girl I would think that too, but not this girl.

That's what I figured, it sounds like you know her very well.

We are very very close... :\

 

[Zaverexus]

Have you considered whether she might be toying with you? It sounds like you two are close enough that you would know but I had a friend get into a lousy relationship like that and I've had it done to me, it sucks.

If it were any other girl I would think that too, but not this girl.

That's what I figured, it sounds like you know her very well.

We are very very close... :\

I know what that's like and it definitely makes things tough

 

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Have you considered whether she might be toying with you? It sounds like you two are close enough that you would know but I had a friend get into a lousy relationship like that and I've had it done to me, it sucks.

If it were any other girl I would think that too, but not this girl.

That's what I figured, it sounds like you know her very well.

We are very very close... :\

I know what that's like and it definitely makes things tough

It sure does... I'm still trying to figure out my own feelings for her, let alone her feelings for me. It was confusing enough without this new episode.

 

[Zaverexus]

Have you considered whether she might be toying with you? It sounds like you two are close enough that you would know but I had a friend get into a lousy relationship like that and I've had it done to me, it sucks.

If it were any other girl I would think that too, but not this girl.

That's what I figured, it sounds like you know her very well.

We are very very close... :\

I know what that's like and it definitely makes things tough

It sure does... I'm still trying to figure out my own feelings for her, let alone her feelings for me. It was confusing enough without this new episode.

Yeah, trying to progress without losing what you've got, eh?

 

[BE4T]

I've been in this situation a few times and I've seen it happen to my friends. Speaking from that experience I can say that it rarely if ever works.

Keep the friendship going if you'd like, but as far as romance goes, give up entirely. If she is texting you like you mentioned earlier, I would advise telling her you don't appreciate that from her, or its inappropriate etc etc.

Doing this usually has 2 outcomes. A.) She notices that your not trying which in turn makes you more attractive to her and she may have romantic feelings for you.

Or B.) The feelings go away and the friendship continues as usual. (although its pretty tough to completely lose those feelings unless you meet someone else more worthy of your interest.)

If A happens I STRONGLY advise not going for it, it rarely if ever ends well, especially if she is that fickle.

 

[New Troll]

Speaking from that experience I can say that it rarely if ever works.

I agree with Be4t's post, especially this statement. And believe you me, I've been there. And been there. And been there again. It hurts. It's silly. It's life.

But you're only 17 and have your whole life ahead of you so don't let it get you too down. When your time comes, wether it's with this person or not, and it more than likely won't be, you'll forget all about this day.

 

[Hashime]

She sounds like damaged goods.
I would steer clear for a bit and get some perspective on the matter. Your hormones are currently messing with you hard, so spending some time away from her cannot hurt.

 

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Speaking from that experience I can say that it rarely if ever works.

I agree with Be4t's post, especially this statement. And believe you me, I've been there. And been there. And been there again. It hurts. It's silly. It's life.

But you're only 17 and have your whole life ahead of you so don't let it get you too down. When your time comes, wether it's with this person or not, and it more than likely won't be, you'll forget all about this day.

Well yeah, technically I am still a virgin (I want the first time to actually mean something) but I have gotten.... erm, 'intimate' with a few girls before... Just for fun, and we were never in a relationship.

But this girl is different. I never wanted her for sex, because she never seemed like the type of girl to want it. It never seemed to be a driving factor in her life. It's what had me so confused. But to be fair, I don't think she's ever gotten as close to a guy before as she has with me, even if we aren't in a relationship. With chemicals running through her body, obliterating judgement, with me (a guy she KNOWS likes her) just a few buttons away what else was she going to do? I really do not blame her. I've done it many times. I just blame myself for taking the obviously badly-judged bait...

But it hardly matters. I've tried to forget it and she is acting like it never happened. We are still very close. Nothing seems to have changed on her part, but doubts have been sowed once again within me... But I've learnt not to open up too much to this girl, she doesn't seem to know how to react. It always ends up hurting me.

Well, I'm hopefully seeing her soon (damn holidays). Maybe that will fix it.