Okay, as a terminally shy person, I've resolved to do something, and could use some advice

[Oly J]

Hi all, I'll get right to it (that's a lie, there's a fair bit of backstory coming) as a middle child, I never got a huge amount of attention, at least not the positive acknowledgement kind that I wanted, as a physically disabled middle-child I got far more of the wrong kind of attention than I ever wanted. namely coddling and the "bubble-wrap" approach. As such, I've never had much in the way of confidence with people, hell, I still have trouble being the first to message someone on Facebook to say "hi" unless I have a reason to need to talk to them (and even then it's difficult)

I have no trouble talking to people face to face though. 7 years (so far) of studying Performing Arts (2nd year of uni right now) has been quite the booster there. (I've sung in drag in front of people I know, how the hell am I still shy?)

however there is one hurdle I've never quite been able to get over. Basically, I've never been able to tell girls I like, that I liked them. I can be pretty good in conversation (if I do say so myself) and due largely I think to my field of study, a lot of my friends/colleagues are female, so my trouble talking to them soon vanished out of sheer necessity, but that is just one thing I've never been able to do.

I've had girlfriends as it happens, (though not for about 4 years) but I never initiated that, (I've even said no to a few people, which seems weird really) I think part of the reason I find it difficult, was because a most the female friends in the past that found out I liked them (I didn't say I was good at hiding it) sort of stopped talking to me and ignored me after finding out, and that's pretty demoralising. Of course I'm no stranger to them "just not seeing me that way" which I understand, I've been in the same position, but the complete cutting of any contact just because a person finds out I like them is pretty hurtful to tell the truth, and this has happened many times (I'm still friends with about half of my exes, that doesn't seem to be a problem for them, and there are other reasons I'm not friends with the others) and now it's even harder to tell people because I'm so scared of that happening again.


you know where this is going next, there's a girl I am absolutely nuts about right now, a lot more than usual as it happens, I did kinda like on one or two people besides her, (all unrequited I'm sure but one was very long standing) and meeting and getting to know this person has completely destroyed any interest I had in anyone else and she's coming over to hang out and watch stuff on Netflix tonight as she often does.

Last night I went to a Theatre Society meeting and we went over the singing parts and everyone sort of tried them out (I fucking killed all of them by the way) and upon receiving favourable responses, I suddenly felt...well...incredibly good about myself. which was amazing because I have appallingly low self-esteem.

In the midst of that rush of confidence, that night I made a decision, regardless of what happens as a result I am going to tell this person how I feel, my frustration with being unable to is making me physically sick (and no one else has ever had that effect on me) so if nothing else I really want to get it out there. What happens after that happens.

I am fully aware she may not feel the same way, I can deal with that, I just hope she can similarly deal with knowing I like her without completely cutting me off, but you know what? fuck it, if a person responds like that, are they worth the feelings I have for them? that's what I keep telling myself

the fact is I feel more strongly about this person than I ever remember feeling before, and whatever happens I don't want the reason for not getting what I want to be because I couldn't bring myself to say anything, so I'm determined to get it out there. This is not going to be just another person I never told.


so basically yeah, that's my situation, but now of course I'm second-guessing myself, I've accepted I'll never be sure if this is a good idea, but how do I go about it? every time I think about it for some reason I imagine me saying it, in a word, angrily. kind of "I have incredibly strong feelings for you, got a problem with that?" the timid approach never works after all, but funny as that might be in hindsight I want to make it clear that I don't want her to be uncomfortable around me, her still being in my life in some capacity is more important than the fact that I like her. I just don't really know how to proceed here, I paralytically over-think things, I'm doing it now, so any advice you might have would be much appreciated

 

[Gaius Livius]

I understand your problem. Especially knowing plenty of people with the same issue. But anyway this isn't about me. The important thing to remember here is for one - Yes it is definitely true to say that anyone who is so grossly intolerant and insensitive to your feelings isn't deserving of them. The second important point is to remember is that thinking about the outcome is a lot worse than just going out and doing something, at which point you will get a definite answer and can then move on and work around it. "Maybe" is a word of utter torture. "Maybe" will eat away the longer you leave yourself with your own thoughts and it will start to make you paranoid and twist your perceptions. What you need to do here is be completely honest with them. Tell them how you feel and tell them that you've also been concerned about their reaction to hearing it. You can consider roughly what you are going to say beforehand but be sure to keep it fairly simple and with as little "Beating around the bush" as possible otherwise it will become overly drawn out and awkward for you. Also don't just say that you like them, tell them why you do. It's always a lot more endearing and comes off as more genuine when you give actual reasons that make sense for liking someone. Otherwise it's a lot more often misconstrued as you simply just wanting to traverse through the forbidden tunnel and nothing more. One other thing that comes to mind is to ensure you choose an optimal time to bring it up. Make sure you definitely have their full attention and don't do it around distractions and other people. If you've got any specific further questions then pop me a message.

Oh and by the way congratulations on the Theatre Society meeting success and the fact you are taking this big leap.

 

[Yuno Gasai]

When it comes to confessing your feelings, there will always be the risk of rejection. It's not pleasant, but it's a fact of life. The thing you have to remember when faced with the possibility someone might not reciprocate your feelings is that if you don't put yourself out there, you'll probably never know. Judging by your OP, you sound like you've already made the decision to go for it.

As for how you should go about it... Keep it simple. Saying something like, "Hey, I'm interested in you - would you like to go on a date sometime?" Just make sure you follow up with a prospective plan for the date, e.g. "We can grab a few drinks then go bowling together". I don't know how much you know about this girl already, but appealing to her interests is definitely a good bet.

 

[Jesterscup]

I have no trouble talking to people face to face though. 7 years (so far) of studying Performing Arts (2nd year of uni right now) has been quite the booster there. (I've sung in drag in front of people I know, how the hell am I still shy?)

I'm incredibly shy interacting with people I don't know being on stage is something utterly different and thrilling, it happens within very specific boundaries. Those boundaries make it soo much easier. For me it's far easier performing than it is talking to someone I don't know. Drag is also a shedload of fun as well....

Last night I went to a Theatre Society meeting and we went over the singing parts and everyone sort of tried them out (I fucking killed all of them by the way) and upon receiving favourable responses, I suddenly felt...well...incredibly good about myself. which was amazing because I have appallingly low self-esteem.

Would I be right in guessing that you also set very high standards for yourself? I rarely walk off-stage happy, knowing how I went wrong, what I could've done better. Apparently I'm actually rather good though ( not that I'll ever believe it). Think of it like this, when you play guitar, you know every bum note you make, your audience only hears the rendition, and generally wants to enjoy it, that sets up a difference between what you experienced and what they did.

kind of "I have incredibly strong feelings for you, got a problem with that?"

it's always best not to make assumptions about people. If you really do like her, then it's going to be obvious, make excuses to hang out with her, do things together. What I would say though is reign in that impulse to go full-on 150% "I like you".

As for how you should go about it... Keep it simple. Saying something like, "Hey, I'm interested in you - would you like to go on a date sometime?" Just make sure you follow up with a prospective plan for the date, e.g. "We can grab a few drinks then go bowling together". I don't know how much you know about this girl already, but appealing to her interests is definitely a good bet.

This... +1

 

[Smooth Operator]

That is an awesome situation mate, from the description I highly doubt you are half as shy as you say and since you aren't awkward in a social setting this gives you great odds for dating.

Now if you intend to be actually successful, DO NOT go out confessing a single god damn thing.
You being head over heals for someone is stuff they can handle about a month into your relationship (if it happens), before that point the only thing they will see is a desperate obsessive lunatic. I'm not saying you can't be head over heals in your own time, but drowning a stranger with that much emotion and pressure will just make them run the hell away.
Your approach needs to be the same as with anyone else, you walk up to them, strike up a good topic, do some light flirting and if this goes well you ask them on a date. If they say no you reply that they know where to find you if they change their mind and end the conversation with dignity (you can flip out over that later), and if it's a yes you know the drill (also conserve the flipping out part for later).
Either way do work out a fun light hearted date beforehand, do not start with dinners or any similarly serious shit because that is deep deep relationship territory.