On Despair and Hope.

[Fawcks]

And as easy and cheap this may sound when you do meet a girl you want to be serious with, then she will at least be understanding about your furryness. It's part of who you are, and a serious girlfriend should understand that. But yeah that's easy to say for heterosexual non-fetish guys like me.

By the way you have serious guts for telling us all of this. Thanks for your trust.

Keep in mind that I was suicidal at the time, so I wasn't looking for anyone. I happened to find her, and couldn't help falling completely in love with her. I wanted to... Make her happy, really. To spend my life with her. I was wrong to make her my reason for living, but that's what I did. I thought I'd be worth keeping around if I could make her happy by it. That was what I thought at the time.

And yes, having odd quirks certainly does complicate things, especially when you're not a manly man as I am.

 

[Fawcks]

-Snips-

About that... I always felt that, to me, I was never really worth anything more than I produced. So, in order to give my life meaning, I tried to make her happy... As well as others, but she became the central point of my life for a long time. I've never felt like I've been worth anything outside of what I could do for people. So, it's natural that I would be easily used...

As for hating her... To hate her, I've tried, I've had thoughts of her being cruel to me, mean to me, hurful to me, and those have all happened... But I can't forget all the nice things she has done, how she was kind, how she helped. Therefore, since she left, at the forefront of my thoughts as to why was always that it was MY deficiencies that forced her to leave. I wasn't good enough, I couldn't make her happy no matter how I tried, I was a failure, everything... I had made my reason to life up to that point to make her happy, but I had failed in that. I felt I was too weak, inefficient to make anyone happy. I often avoid people because I feel it will end the same. I'll fail, and they will leave.

As for studying... It's very hard. I feel like a wreck. I have no real mental capacity to study at the moment, I feel like a wreck the majority of the time. My chest hurts right now, I feel sick... There is a physical pain that wracks my body at almost all times. I have extreme anxiety issues that I used to be medicated for, but since, I have had sporadic panic attacks, and general issues associated with those. I generally tend to avoid school work and such because I feel failure is certain... Even THINKING about school, generally, I feel so hopeless that it sets off another panic attack, and thus I stop thinking about it... Push it away, to the side. At the end of the day, I accomplish nothing, feeling crushed and defeated, and generally just cry a bit. Really, as long as these physical symptoms persist, I don't feel I can do anything... But I can't fess up to them, since I have no medical insurance, and I don't want to admit what has been happening to my parents, hence why I can't seek medical attention or help professionally...

 

[rutger5000]

And there I'm reminded that you've had a lot more life-experience then I have. But I can't say that it really changes my advice though.
Yeah I can see how you could have fallen for her, but that doesn't mean you should do it again anytimesoon. I stick to what I said go try and find miss Right now. I'm not talking about a cheap skank or something. Just a nice girl to have some fun with, no pressure about where you want to be in a month or two or even a year or two. I mean I understand that you live I highly complicated life, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get some fun from time to time. From my point of view, you've earned it.
By the way I'm not a manly man either, I duck away when something bad happens on the t.v. And the second last girl that was in my room thought I was gay (worst is, I kinda could see where she was coming from). All I meant to say is that life is much less complicated for hereto non-fetish guys like me. So I've got less experience with dealing with complicated stuff.

 

[Banana Cannon]

@Aylaine, I agree with your opinion and you're fairly experienced, I just wanna add this for Fawcks.

Humans are very social creatures. Aylaine, it is from their own positive experiences that are shared with other humans that they see the beauty of life, and this isn't defined as something as simple as a drinking session or a disconnected online chat, or simply going out and buying crap you need with someone else to tag along.
Something more permanent and substantial for a truly great friendship or relationship is the commitment to finding a like-minded cause for happiness along with a deep understanding from both people. Ever cook with a friend, co-op style? Ever LOVE having the same fanaticism for something you and your friend/partner can enjoy for a day together?
I understand that with intelligence, you feel sometimes that you have a lot more to say and there aren't many who appreciate it as much as you, but hell, if I ever knew the problems a friend or family member had, and if they could see to an extent what I bear, then I swear this; Now, because of seeing someone else whose quite similar to me in some respects, I'd promise from whoever asks it of me to accept them as they are, as friends or whatever, because maybe there's a lot of people out there like us. I'll throw up my Hotmail on my profile if I haven't already, because like the great Mackheath before me (lol), in doing this I'll be:
1. out there for a chat , helping you out if you need me, and
2. seeing one person for who they are without ridicule, and in turn figuring out how to establish such a relationship with another person.

It is a good thing I now know you, Fawcks. Don't take shit from your bank or fees, pay them back steadily, and figure out a girl before ever getting too close to them. Now get out there and take your life back, you're in control now, and there's at least two people here who'll keep you good!

 

[Fawcks]

It is a good thing I now know you, Fawcks. Don't take shit from your bank or fees, pay them back steadily, and figure out a girl before ever getting too close to them. Now get out there and take your life back, you're in control now, and there's at least two people here who'll keep you good!

To be fair, we were together for two years.

And I can't seem to find your contact info...

The worst part is... Well, if you want to know the worst part, I didn't fail last quarter because I got failing grades on the tests, or the quizzes, or the attendance.

What happened was, I couldn't manage to put myself down and study. When large reports were assigned, I would find myself staring at the word document folder and doing nothing. I couldn't focus. Couldn't think. I'd sooner avoid it.

This is an entirely debilitating problem that is impossible to describe to anyone who has never experienced it. I sit down to do my work, but I start to panic. The mere thought of opening up the school website where the assignments are kept TERRIFIES me. My heart races, I feel sick, it's horrible. I have no confidence in my understanding of the material, no matter how simplistic or complex. At the end of the day, past feeling panicy and avoiding work, I feel physically ill. I feel sick. I want to throw up. I feel down. I can barely pick myself up to walk from one end of the hall to the other. I've missed the bus on several occaisions just because I was so wrapped up in feeling miserable. On TV, all it generally takes to shake this is a motivational speech, and that works temporarily on me also, but soon after I crash once more and am left feeling helpless and defeated.

This especially hit me today, where I had a rough night last night. I was in a slight fight with my one remaining friend whom I generally talk to about my feelings (Because she is the only one who knew both me and my fiance), and I said that I feel like she is shutting me out whenever things get bad for me, and called her a "Fair weather friend". Of course, immediately after I said that, she said she would not tolerate being called that and logged off, not doing much to discredit my point...

 

[Banana Cannon]

Hey, I've actually been pretty busy, I didn't mean to forget throwing my address up, I just gotta piece together my punctuality in these matters. I didn't have it bear down on me as much as you have now, but I let my educational spark just flicker out, I dropped out and let the whole thing crumble out behind me. I've been walking crossroads for a year, letting my whole mind get tuned to a static frequency and its only recently I've felt the desire to be anything again, so I'll just be me, and the depth of that statement is something I don't even fully see its that expeansive, that infinite.
I actually had a better sense of myself before I started listening to people when I was a kid, so I sort of got back in touch with what I had restrained and after seeing a past piece of myself that looked towards a few key desires in the future, I now recognise a generally good life in comparison to many who aren't as self-aware or examining of life around them, and there's a future that I see achieving and enjoying for myself and for whoever like to tag along for the ride. ( a future which includes a like-minded, nerdy, optimistic friend or girlfriend to really keep me company, whichever, and making something in life and living off it as well as enjoying it, whether that's writing a really good fantasy epic or providing a way to supply energy to the whole city I live in, in a better way.)
You needn't feel apprehension at using your intellect in a field of your choice if you think there is something there for you. I imagine you have a great ability when you apply yourself, and having a mind to share a few ideas with helps the keep out the static for me and would probably help you too. And hell, perhaps I may be too optimistic for it, but go and meet someone in person to just allow yourself to get all the better qualities of your personalities back together and recapture some of that inner child, its a gimmick that is sometimes worth it! It could be someone from your course who doesn't plan to drink and stick around a second year but maybe someone whose trying to figure out themselves and muster up their inner pride in being themselves like you. It wouldn't even have to be someone like that, you could even talk to your parents or that friend of yours. Its been a week, right? Go and eat together, ask how things are for them. And if they might be a little surprised at that tactic, just be as honest to them as you are to us.
Also, as an oddity from me, listen to the Blackened Sky Album from Biffy Clyro for starters, and sing along to it. I command you in a well-meaning way! (except tracks 9, 10, 11, they're a bit of a downer)