Mr. Awesomesauce Super Cool Massive Penis Alpha-and-Omega Ubercharged Reporter Qayin with his +50 staff of ramble reporting. Just reporting this time. Wouldn't want to make a running joke out of it.
Okay, so we find our incompetent selves with a load of dead commies (that are just guards with funny hats and accents), except for one commie, who isn't dead but is dying, guess he took his vitamins or something;
-AFK acts very threatening and is actually quite nasty to the poor fellow.
-The operation turns ridiculous as AFK threatens to...tickle...the commie.
-In commie-interrogation 101, tickling is not usually considered a reasonable form of torture.
-Eye attempts to compensate for this by showing that happiness is a capitalist notion, and therefore if AFK were to tickle him then she would be making him happy.
-The man is dying.
-He doesn't really care if he dies happy, evidently, as he seems rather unimpressed with this Mickey Mouse form of torture.
-Micky Mouse becomes Rick Astley as I plug my ears, before Eye Rick Rolls the dying man.
-I don't want to go on about this. Again.
-But if I had not plugged my ears Eye would have been executed. Again.
-In a dystopian universe, Rick Rolling people is not considered particularly tasteful.
-We're already dealing with the plight of our fictional universe, in a world where up is down and down is up, in which everything is treason and nothing is safe; in a world where we have everything to lose and nothing to gain, a tard does a Rick Roll.
-I SHALL VOMIT WITH RAGE!
-Ahem. Funnily enough, the Rick Roll doesn't work.
-AFK kicks the commie, aiming for his balls.
-She misses.
-Eye kicks at the commie.
-He also misses.
-I lol. and lol.
-After repeated kicks from Mr. and Mrs. Depth Perception, one kick actually hits the commie...in his wound.
-Blood spurts out in a volcano of fluids.
-Epic Fail.
-I suggest that the wound be plugged with a gun.
-Wound is plugged successfully - I'd just like to point out that whilst this did not provide anything fruitful, it was at least the first successful action in itself.
-Eye and AFK attempt to persuade the commie by being all nicey nice.
-Eye and AFK fail at being nice. Shock and horror, who'd have thought -_-
-I am nice.
-Wuv me?
-The other two hate me.
-Call me nasty names and tell ME to have a go.
-I succeed. Masterfully. So masterfully that Wilson has to write in my success himself, to truly show how epic it is.
-As I pointed out in the game, I'd just like to point out how the Chuckle Brothers failed, massively.
-Even God facepalmed when these two formed a think-tank.
-Whereas I, like a beacon of shiny Messiah-hope and wonderful love, persuaded the commie/not a commie that I was his friend, and that everything was okay here. DOWN WITH THE TSAR!
-The commie reveals a great truth to me. Yes, to me. I say me, but Dumb and Dumber leant in and tried to listen in anyways, both with increasing amounts of fail.
-Have I mentioned how absolutely awesome I am? I mean, there's no need to form a new religion, but a few cults would be nice.
-Anywho which way, I have discovered a secret.
-The other two innocently ask what the secret is.
-I lie.
-Okay, even Messiah's can be bastards.
-These two come up with a load of rubbish about Necromancy/Narcolepsy and Crests/Chess (depending who you listen to) and, seeing as Necromancy is even MORE wrong, I say that the Necromancy and Purple Crests option is 100% correct.
-Lol.
-Not that Narcolepsy and Chess is particularly helpful, but I'm pretty sure that these two are looking for chances to kill me. So like the quick-smart Cockney chimney-sweep I am, I half-inched the Babe Ruth right in front of their Boat Race. I'm a cockney, I'm a cockney...
-At around this point AFK gave me a hug (suprisingly kind) but also stamped on my foot (if I was an emotionally unstable individual, this would confound and confuse me...hold me.), and I'd just like to maybe make a little distinction here...YOU JUDAS!
-I hate everything. Still.
-I need another hug.
-AFK puts me in a headlock.
-OMG, WTF NUB, ORLYWTHBBQ
-Now that I am an emotionally hollow individual, I suggest we hurry on...repeatedly...and to stop asking me questions about what the commie said.
-Oh, if anyone is interested in what the truth is; wait for the next report.
-Ownt.
-At this time, AFK is promoted to Orange clearence. Congratulations -_-
-HOWEVER (omg twist), this is not necessarily a good thing, as it suggests;
-Either the Computer is actually active here, meaning that AFK's execution of our leader was witnessed, but for now she has been promoted so that the mission can continue.
-Or, another party has control of this sector.
-Either way, bad.
-After finding maps and being annoying to each other, we find ourselves in a seemingly endless, eternal corridor.
-During this walk through purgatory, the lights begin to flicker, as if something is draining power from this 'facility'...it's a corridor, how on earth could we have missed a big, massive power draining machination?
-Two Intsec guards pass us, ignoring our questions. How rude.
-The lights go out.
-I don't want to point any fingers here, but SOMEONE started firing their lazer every which way in an unintelligent attempt to illuminated the corridor.
-It...may have been me.
-Eye's ear is taken off by a lazer bolt.
-This seriously may not have been me, it was never specified, and by this time AFK was firing too, and it may have even been those Intsec guards, gawd alown knows.
-The lights come back on.
-SOMEONE fires off another shot in a blind panic.
-It was me. Yeah, me that time.
-The shot ricochets back and takes my own ear off.
-Poetic Justice, Divine Retribution? Or just fucking annoying?
-We continue on, there was this whole business with a sleeping guard who we ran away from even though he wasn't dangerous, but it isn't that important, because in a few moments someone dies.
-And it isn't me.
-For once.
-We find ourselves in a corridor; the front door to the fun center (oh, yeah, that was our objective by the way, remember Ted and all that?...I'm a reporter, facts and useful information is for the sciency boffins to figure out.) is locked.
-The only other route is a conveniantly stacked pile of crates leading to a conveniant hole in the roof.
-AFK uses her mouth-words and her wide head full of knowledge to trick me into giving her my super awesome insta-gib handgun, which I keep as a spare...I don't have any extra clips, didn't want to waste it.
-Eye and I (lol) fail to climb the boxes, as AFK nimbly ascends with her toned physique.
-Eye drools.
-...the above may not have actually happened.
-Eye looks for another entrance, whilst I (getting kinda confusing now with all the Ayes) attempt to climb the boxes again.
-AFK pulls me up.
-I know, she didn't even drop me, or spit in my eyes.
-Unbelievable.
-We're in the roof, which has another conveniant hole that lets us see below, as Eye finds the back door and enters, walking straight into a group of Commie mutant traitor evil bastard snotty wankers...their official title.
-Eye could have chosen a diplomatic approach.
-Instead he pulls out his gun.
-Loud noises scare me.
-I have a panic attack.
-I have like 5 Chutzpah, okay?
-AFK attempts to stop me falling out of the roof and killing myself as I have a mild hissy fit.
-Eye/Rambo is firing gung-ho at the fully armed guards, and after sending us both multiple PMs about having the 'advantage of suprise', he realises that we're pretty much out of the picture, and understanding dawns...it may go something like this;
-"Durrrr, mayb 4 vs. 1 not good?"
-Eye finds cover.
-I continue to panic.
-AFK continues to be uncharacteristically nice.
-Eye kills one guard, before a lazer bolt flies past.
-This lazer bolt ricochets as Eye comes out of cover.
-BOOM! HEADSHOT!
-Eye is missing his head. In 99.99999999% of documented cases of decapitation, this is fatal.
-FATALITY! (sorry, I'll stop now.)
-...Fission Mailed.
-Eye is dead. Suprisingly.
- I make a successful roll, come out of my panic attack, and start shooting...just in time?
-AFK either makes awesome rolls or spends all of her PP, because she becomes a god of war, taking both arms and a leg off one guard, and killing another before I meekly put a bolt in the chest of the last, wondering if AFK is on steroids.
- Eye-3 returns. With his head, of course.
-AFK nicknames the maimed commie 'Stumpy', presumably because she is going to keep him as a pet, and starts to interrogate him.
-Two happy pills and a lot of wasted time later we find out that this is the only room in the building and that all there is is a table...and a chess board...huh...how coincidental that AFK wrongly heard the word chess.
-The table cloth is removed from the table, revealing it to be a cubic robot...possibly named Ted...who may have narcolepsy.
-Okay, so AFK heard a lot correctly, doesn't really matter as she tries to activate this robot.
-I start to quickly leave the room - why? Because I happen to know Patric-O-DUL was running AWAY from this robot, not WITH this robot.
-So it is either incredibly dangerous and psychopathic, or is just really annoying, either way, I'm outta here.
-AFK orders Eye to follow.
-Eye follows. Good for him.
-Eye and I (R.I.P. Marley) are outside. I order/request that Eye finds a way of blocking this door before Ted wakes up.
-...and...that's it.
-I know, cliffhanger - Halo 2 Ending as Wilson puts it.
-Many people despised Halo 2's Ending, Wilson.
-...just saying, cliffhanger's aren't that popular.
-I for one was anxious to find out just how psychopathic and indestructable Ted Bundy-Bot is.
-I mean, you could always PM me...I won't tell anyone...
-...please?
-DON'T YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON ME WILSON, I CAN'T MAKE THIS MARRIAGE WORK ALL BY MYSELF!
This has been Mr. Awesomesauce Super Cool Massive Penis Alpha-and-Omega Ubercharged Reporter Holy Messiah of Divine Importance Make-A-Church-In-His-Name-Already Qayin with his +50 Staff of Ramble and his +100 Handbag of Emotional Instability reporting. Cake.
Okay, so we find our incompetent selves with a load of dead commies (that are just guards with funny hats and accents), except for one commie, who isn't dead but is dying, guess he took his vitamins or something;
-AFK acts very threatening and is actually quite nasty to the poor fellow.
-The operation turns ridiculous as AFK threatens to...tickle...the commie.
-In commie-interrogation 101, tickling is not usually considered a reasonable form of torture.
-Eye attempts to compensate for this by showing that happiness is a capitalist notion, and therefore if AFK were to tickle him then she would be making him happy.
-The man is dying.
-He doesn't really care if he dies happy, evidently, as he seems rather unimpressed with this Mickey Mouse form of torture.
-Micky Mouse becomes Rick Astley as I plug my ears, before Eye Rick Rolls the dying man.
-I don't want to go on about this. Again.
-But if I had not plugged my ears Eye would have been executed. Again.
-In a dystopian universe, Rick Rolling people is not considered particularly tasteful.
-We're already dealing with the plight of our fictional universe, in a world where up is down and down is up, in which everything is treason and nothing is safe; in a world where we have everything to lose and nothing to gain, a tard does a Rick Roll.
-I SHALL VOMIT WITH RAGE!
-Ahem. Funnily enough, the Rick Roll doesn't work.
-AFK kicks the commie, aiming for his balls.
-She misses.
-Eye kicks at the commie.
-He also misses.
-I lol. and lol.
-After repeated kicks from Mr. and Mrs. Depth Perception, one kick actually hits the commie...in his wound.
-Blood spurts out in a volcano of fluids.
-Epic Fail.
-I suggest that the wound be plugged with a gun.
-Wound is plugged successfully - I'd just like to point out that whilst this did not provide anything fruitful, it was at least the first successful action in itself.
-Eye and AFK attempt to persuade the commie by being all nicey nice.
-Eye and AFK fail at being nice. Shock and horror, who'd have thought -_-
-I am nice.
-Wuv me?
-The other two hate me.
-Call me nasty names and tell ME to have a go.
-I succeed. Masterfully. So masterfully that Wilson has to write in my success himself, to truly show how epic it is.
-As I pointed out in the game, I'd just like to point out how the Chuckle Brothers failed, massively.
-Even God facepalmed when these two formed a think-tank.
-Whereas I, like a beacon of shiny Messiah-hope and wonderful love, persuaded the commie/not a commie that I was his friend, and that everything was okay here. DOWN WITH THE TSAR!
-The commie reveals a great truth to me. Yes, to me. I say me, but Dumb and Dumber leant in and tried to listen in anyways, both with increasing amounts of fail.
-Have I mentioned how absolutely awesome I am? I mean, there's no need to form a new religion, but a few cults would be nice.
-Anywho which way, I have discovered a secret.
-The other two innocently ask what the secret is.
-I lie.
-Okay, even Messiah's can be bastards.
-These two come up with a load of rubbish about Necromancy/Narcolepsy and Crests/Chess (depending who you listen to) and, seeing as Necromancy is even MORE wrong, I say that the Necromancy and Purple Crests option is 100% correct.
-Lol.
-Not that Narcolepsy and Chess is particularly helpful, but I'm pretty sure that these two are looking for chances to kill me. So like the quick-smart Cockney chimney-sweep I am, I half-inched the Babe Ruth right in front of their Boat Race. I'm a cockney, I'm a cockney...
-At around this point AFK gave me a hug (suprisingly kind) but also stamped on my foot (if I was an emotionally unstable individual, this would confound and confuse me...hold me.), and I'd just like to maybe make a little distinction here...YOU JUDAS!
-I hate everything. Still.
-I need another hug.
-AFK puts me in a headlock.
-OMG, WTF NUB, ORLYWTHBBQ
-Now that I am an emotionally hollow individual, I suggest we hurry on...repeatedly...and to stop asking me questions about what the commie said.
-Oh, if anyone is interested in what the truth is; wait for the next report.
-Ownt.
-At this time, AFK is promoted to Orange clearence. Congratulations -_-
-HOWEVER (omg twist), this is not necessarily a good thing, as it suggests;
-Either the Computer is actually active here, meaning that AFK's execution of our leader was witnessed, but for now she has been promoted so that the mission can continue.
-Or, another party has control of this sector.
-Either way, bad.
-After finding maps and being annoying to each other, we find ourselves in a seemingly endless, eternal corridor.
-During this walk through purgatory, the lights begin to flicker, as if something is draining power from this 'facility'...it's a corridor, how on earth could we have missed a big, massive power draining machination?
-Two Intsec guards pass us, ignoring our questions. How rude.
-The lights go out.
-I don't want to point any fingers here, but SOMEONE started firing their lazer every which way in an unintelligent attempt to illuminated the corridor.
-It...may have been me.
-Eye's ear is taken off by a lazer bolt.
-This seriously may not have been me, it was never specified, and by this time AFK was firing too, and it may have even been those Intsec guards, gawd alown knows.
-The lights come back on.
-SOMEONE fires off another shot in a blind panic.
-It was me. Yeah, me that time.
-The shot ricochets back and takes my own ear off.
-Poetic Justice, Divine Retribution? Or just fucking annoying?
-We continue on, there was this whole business with a sleeping guard who we ran away from even though he wasn't dangerous, but it isn't that important, because in a few moments someone dies.
-And it isn't me.
-For once.
-We find ourselves in a corridor; the front door to the fun center (oh, yeah, that was our objective by the way, remember Ted and all that?...I'm a reporter, facts and useful information is for the sciency boffins to figure out.) is locked.
-The only other route is a conveniantly stacked pile of crates leading to a conveniant hole in the roof.
-AFK uses her mouth-words and her wide head full of knowledge to trick me into giving her my super awesome insta-gib handgun, which I keep as a spare...I don't have any extra clips, didn't want to waste it.
-Eye and I (lol) fail to climb the boxes, as AFK nimbly ascends with her toned physique.
-Eye drools.
-...the above may not have actually happened.
-Eye looks for another entrance, whilst I (getting kinda confusing now with all the Ayes) attempt to climb the boxes again.
-AFK pulls me up.
-I know, she didn't even drop me, or spit in my eyes.
-Unbelievable.
-We're in the roof, which has another conveniant hole that lets us see below, as Eye finds the back door and enters, walking straight into a group of Commie mutant traitor evil bastard snotty wankers...their official title.
-Eye could have chosen a diplomatic approach.
-Instead he pulls out his gun.
-Loud noises scare me.
-I have a panic attack.
-I have like 5 Chutzpah, okay?
-AFK attempts to stop me falling out of the roof and killing myself as I have a mild hissy fit.
-Eye/Rambo is firing gung-ho at the fully armed guards, and after sending us both multiple PMs about having the 'advantage of suprise', he realises that we're pretty much out of the picture, and understanding dawns...it may go something like this;
-"Durrrr, mayb 4 vs. 1 not good?"
-Eye finds cover.
-I continue to panic.
-AFK continues to be uncharacteristically nice.
-Eye kills one guard, before a lazer bolt flies past.
-This lazer bolt ricochets as Eye comes out of cover.
-BOOM! HEADSHOT!
-Eye is missing his head. In 99.99999999% of documented cases of decapitation, this is fatal.
-FATALITY! (sorry, I'll stop now.)
-...Fission Mailed.
-Eye is dead. Suprisingly.
- I make a successful roll, come out of my panic attack, and start shooting...just in time?
-AFK either makes awesome rolls or spends all of her PP, because she becomes a god of war, taking both arms and a leg off one guard, and killing another before I meekly put a bolt in the chest of the last, wondering if AFK is on steroids.
- Eye-3 returns. With his head, of course.
-AFK nicknames the maimed commie 'Stumpy', presumably because she is going to keep him as a pet, and starts to interrogate him.
-Two happy pills and a lot of wasted time later we find out that this is the only room in the building and that all there is is a table...and a chess board...huh...how coincidental that AFK wrongly heard the word chess.
-The table cloth is removed from the table, revealing it to be a cubic robot...possibly named Ted...who may have narcolepsy.
-Okay, so AFK heard a lot correctly, doesn't really matter as she tries to activate this robot.
-I start to quickly leave the room - why? Because I happen to know Patric-O-DUL was running AWAY from this robot, not WITH this robot.
-So it is either incredibly dangerous and psychopathic, or is just really annoying, either way, I'm outta here.
-AFK orders Eye to follow.
-Eye follows. Good for him.
-Eye and I (R.I.P. Marley) are outside. I order/request that Eye finds a way of blocking this door before Ted wakes up.
-...and...that's it.
-I know, cliffhanger - Halo 2 Ending as Wilson puts it.
-Many people despised Halo 2's Ending, Wilson.
-...just saying, cliffhanger's aren't that popular.
-I for one was anxious to find out just how psychopathic and indestructable Ted Bundy-Bot is.
-I mean, you could always PM me...I won't tell anyone...
-...please?
-DON'T YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON ME WILSON, I CAN'T MAKE THIS MARRIAGE WORK ALL BY MYSELF!
This has been Mr. Awesomesauce Super Cool Massive Penis Alpha-and-Omega Ubercharged Reporter Holy Messiah of Divine Importance Make-A-Church-In-His-Name-Already Qayin with his +50 Staff of Ramble and his +100 Handbag of Emotional Instability reporting. Cake.
I'll try to make the next one though, friday or saturday work well for me