Poem for a girl

[SovietSecrets]

Instead of just only buying a gift this year and some crappy holiday card, i decided to write a my own poem and make my own card for a girl that i like and am planning to ask out after she reads one of them. I am not much of a poet and would feel better if a bunch of people i don't know would critique it. Criticize as much as you would like but nothing hateful please. This is my second attempt at trying to write something like this. I kinda liked the first one better than the second, but what do you guys/girls think?

Merry Christmas from me to you
Heres to hoping all your dreams come true
Want you to know that i love you
And hopefully another year with me will make do

I might not get to see you as much as i like
But being able to talk and meeting up is still pretty tight
Another year passes us by
Heres to one day ill be yours and youl be mine

 

[rossatdi]

But you did buy her a gift as well, right?

 

[Radelaide]

Cheesy, but adorable. Who's the lucky girl?

 

[curlycrouton]

Instead of just only buying a gift this year and some crappy holiday card, i decided to write a my own poem and make my own card for a girl that i like and am planning to ask out after she reads one of them. I am not much of a poet and would feel better if a bunch of people i don't know would critique it. Criticize as much as you would like but nothing hateful please. This is my second attempt at trying to write something like this. I kinda liked the first one better than the second, but what do you guys/girls think?

Merry Christmas from me to you
Heres to hoping all your dreams come true
Want you to know that i love you
And hopefully another year with me will make do

I might not get to see you as much as i like
But being able to talk and meeting up is still pretty tight
Another year passes us by
Heres to one day ill be yours and youl be mine

No offence, but that could come across as slightly stalker-ish if she doesn't really want to go out with you.

But being able to talk and meeting up is still pretty tight

I also don't quite think this line fits.

And there are a lot of punctuational errors.

However.

I applaud and respect you for putting the time and effort into writing a poem for her, when so many others would simply write an e-mail or send a text saying "luv u babes xx" or something along those lines. Congratulations, and good luck.

 

[rossatdi]

Merry Christmas from me to you
Here's to hoping all your dreams come true
I might not see you as much as I desire
But being with you is all I require

I want you to know that I love you
And hopefully another year with me will make do
As another season passes in time
Here's to the day I'll be yours and you'll be mine

I cheesed it up for you! It now rhymes better and it avoids having to "you"s at the end of lines in the same stanza.

 

[CPU3]

Another year passes us by
Heres to one day ill be yours and youl be mine

These two lines don't really rhyme, but it still works mostly ok, other than that, it's a very good poem, and i may have to steal the idea from you!

 

[Abako]

Hehe oh the memories. I did this exact same thing for a girl once, but she and I already liked each other at the time, we just hadn't done anything about it. If she likes you Im pretty sure she will love it simply because its kinda cheesey and from the heart. I know mine did. But be careful because if she doesnt like you or simply does know you really well this will come out kinda creepy.

But I give you props for having the balls to do it. Good luck man.

 

[DannyDamage]

On the right track dude, but I think you're worrying about it rhyming too much. Only tabloid poety relies solely on rhyming because they've got nothing else.

Making a card is a good idea. Personally, I don't bother with cards. Been with our lass for over 4 years now and we stopped bothering with cards a couple of years ago. We both know we wish each other a happy Christmas, don't need reminding

 

[Abako]

Write on there that its a scented card then soak it in Chloroform for a few days before you give it to her. You stalkey stalker.

This is normally the part where I might say something about us not being 4chan but that was just too funny.

 

[Singing Gremlin]

Oh dear. Light hearted poetry + escapist = "It's not professional enough!"

But yeah, it's good. But you should clean it up a bit, I mean you don't have the leeway that comes with actually going out with her. rossatdi's version is quite good, but if she ever find out the poem you wooed her with was one you got off some strange bloke on the internet your life will not be worth living.

 

[Unholykrumpet]

Saying the L word is a great way to lose a potential girlfriend. It will scare the living hell out of her, especially if she doesn't have feelings for her.

This is something you'd give to a girlfriend of three months or more, not just a crush.

Edit: This may be a bit hypocritical of me, seeing as I was one of those guys that asked out a girl by writing and singing a song for her. It worked though, so I have no regrets. I'm sure it would have come off as stalker-ish if she hadn't had some feelings for me as well though. I do wish you luck though.

 

[HSIAMetalKing]

If I were you, I'd stick a twenty dollar bill in that card. If the poem doesn't melt her panties off, the prospect of cash certainly will.

 

[Elurindel]

I'm not really sure what to say to this. MI guess everybody's different, so here's hoping it goes well.
Me, I recited Wind By The Fireside to a girl once. It became kind of our poem. She even composed it into song form. We didn't actually last though, but some things just aren't meant to work.

 

[rossatdi]

Instead of just only buying a gift this year and some crappy holiday card, i decided to write a my own poem and make my own card for a girl that i like and am planning to ask out after she reads one of them.

I just re-read that. For the love of God don't do it. Unless she's very close to you anyway this is likely to make her run a country mile. Just ask her out. Professing love is a bad start.

 

[curlycrouton]

Instead of just only buying a gift this year and some crappy holiday card, i decided to write a my own poem and make my own card for a girl that i like and am planning to ask out after she reads one of them.

I just re-read that. For the love of God don't do it. Unless she's very close to you anyway this is likely to make her run a country mile. Just ask her out. Professing love is a bad start.

Good point. Don't do it!

 

[Radelaide]

If I were you, I'd stick a twenty dollar bill in that card. If the poem doesn't melt her panties off, the prospect of cash certainly will.

Are you ever not a dropkick?

 

[Littaly]

I have never even come close to having a girlfriend in my entire life, so I should really shut my pie hole, but maybe if she doesn't know you like her yet you want to go for something more subtle than a poem, especially one that flat out tells her you love her. But then again, what the heck do I know ^^

The best of lucks mate

 

[KyoraSan]

Being female, I think I should throw in my two cents.

While I find your poem rather cute, its also rather stalkerish, as the others before me eluded to. I personally would love getting a poem from someone I loved just before they asked me out, but only if we were both in that stage where we kinda knew it was going to happen, but it hadn't yet, possibly because no one had taken the time to actually ask if she wanted to start dating.

Girls have different reactions to being told someone loves them before they start dating. Sometimes, having someone act intimate and say such things before may strangely cause her to get nervous. But at times, it can also actually increase infatuation. Dating is a tricky business.

As for the poem itself? Bad. Maybe 'tis my predisposition towards disliking poetry that rhymes, especially when those rhymes sound like their out of a Dr. Seuss book, but I just don't like it. But then again, the poem isn't meant to be a Shakespearean Ballad. It's meant to be a cute short little thing to express love.
Also. Use of the word 'tight' in a poem is a big no no. Poetry is not rap. Rap is a form of poetry - though I daren't say that seeing as how most rap music is a steaming pile of whatsit.

But enough about my musical tastes and random ramblings. Poem or not, I wish you luck with her.

 

[Silver]

If you're going to write a poem for her, make it fun. Don't make it something like that, joke around more, and poke some fun at her as well. Making it a riddle about the gift you've gotten her is good as well.

Or rather, make her think you're making fun of her until she opens up the gift and realises that she just thought you meant something else. Make some hints making her think it's something really weird or dirty, and then really have something really cute in there. I've done that a few times, worked really nicely. Then another time I did the opposite, and got the guy pink fluffy handcuffs and a whip. That got some laughs out of people. Kinda neat.