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s00perguy

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Nov 18, 2009
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i know it sounds pathetic, but i can't trust my friends or family to give me an honest opinion on my book, and i need honest, blunt, bastards like yourselves to review it, so here it is, my book so far. remember to ask for the newest version whenever you need some reading material.

*=check research log at back for definition. Chapter 1
?Run, Dad, run!? I screamed. My father was practically tripping over his own feet as he ran from our pursuer. Around and around we ran, the stadium roaring with the cheers of onlookers, and I saw some of them betting on me and whatever it was that was chasing me. A titanic claw raked the ground where I would have been standing mere seconds ago. Maybe I should back up. My name is Gomar, once a hero, now a criminal worth no more than the ground on which I walk. My friends are Jamia and Jono. When it comes to someone threatening their life, I?m not exactly the conversational type and someone was about to cause them pain. And I wasn?t pleased. So I did what any sensible person would do, I punched his lights out. Apparently he told a very false tale about me, which I will speak of later on, so here I am, running for my life to entertain these people. If I got out alive I would get him, no questions asked! I did not know what the creature chasing me was called, however, there was another creature there that I did know. It was a miasma (a seemingly single organism made of many) known as the Jokno beetle. Just then I noticed something very important about this particular swarm of Jokno that was very well emphasized in the textbooks I read in school. Since the match began the Jokno hadn?t separated and surrounded me, the usual Jokno hunting tactic. This is when I realized this was a Jokno that could no longer separate into the millions of Jokno it was once made of. As the textbook said, when they were in this state, touching them in any way would mutate and physically bond them to your anatomy. You are able to lift three hundred times your own weight and with the bond you would grow pincers on your arms, strong and sharp enough to chop through steel. This would be the best thing to ever happen to you except for the unholy monster you become. But I had to take my chances or meet my death by whatever was chasing me. Lucky me, the Jokno was heading straight for me and I charged. Praying this would work, I touched its skin; it felt dry, soft, and slightly furry. In the span of the few seconds it took to transform, there was unimaginable pain! I tried to scream but the transformation was too fast for the thought to scream to get from my mind to my lips. Then there was nothing to make a sound with, for my mouth was replaced by insectoid jaws. I heard the beetle slurping into my entire anatomy. When it was over, my skin was so hard I hadn?t even noticed that the creature that had been chasing me had bitten me. Then I grabbed it by the snout and threw it to the other side of the stadium punching a hole through the wall. When the dust settled I was ready to pound it again, and again, the adrenaline pumping through my system. Amazed at what I did, I looked at the beast as it lay limp, dead. I ran through the hole so fast I almost flew, my father still standing there bug-eyed, muttering something to the effect of, ?I saw nothing!?. I then hid in shame of my hideousness, taking advantage of the darkness provided by a filthy alleyway, then dreamt of before all this came to be. It started on Roku* Island, my home. Reportedly islands and land masses were spontaneously becoming lifeless and I, being the adventurer I was, was curious. So I studied the pattern that the islands were dying in and realized the one right beside us was next! I rowed my old boat out there and waited. It was midnight when I finally saw it. Like a silvery orb with an ominous glow, it sped toward the island I was on. I stared in awe. This was what was doing all this and I doubted it could be stopped. Fearing that my island was next, I jumped in my boat and I swear it was the first time it was in the air, not even touching the water. I told the elders what I had seen and the blood drained form their faces as they went white with fear! Immediately they went into action preparing the islanders to evacuate.

I was rushing everyone to the evacuation boats in the last minutes of the escape when a little boy tripped and fell so hard as to break his leg. I saw the escape was going smoothly so I ran over to him and picked him up inches from the orb. I found his mother and it was a very joyous reunion. Everyone got off the island seconds before the orb swallowed it whole! They called me a hero. I saved the boys life seconds from death and didn?t even know I could have met my own end also.

After sucking the life from the island it lifted away like a ball of molten gold hovering above the now lifeless land. I could have sworn that if it had eyes, it was looking at me. We were now on a new island to begin a new life. There were trees with fruits we did not know anything about, Strangely, everything on the island was quite edible. We couldn?t seem to find anything that was poisonous, fortunately for us. Everything was different and new for it was a land that had not yet been mapped, a whole new chapter in our textbooks and our lives. There was something that mother of the child I had saved, handed to me. It was a fruit from our island, my home. A Rachtl*, the most expensive delicacy on Roku Island. The mother said that this was her way of thanking me and gave me the only part of our island that was left. The elders believed in starting new for this island, not bringing home with us. It would merely cause sadness and depression. No one knew what this orb wanted or what it was, but I had a feeling that the elders knew that and more. They were the wisest of our village, and if they didn?t know, nobody did. I went to the hut of the elders, the first one built, for they are the most important people in the village. Their hut was quite large, large enough to accommodate everyone in the village until the other houses were made. The elders were inside of their hut when we walked up to their conference table to ask why the orb was here and what it was. They said the orb was known as Dakun. It was also known as The Devourer. It had been going through the process of devouring the life of all the masses of land for centuries. This kept happening because life kept returning to these dead islands unknowingly, so it had found a supposedly infinite food source. I never wanted this to happen but now it was. My greatest nightmare was realized and brought to life. I went to my cot on the floor feeling sad and hopeless. I began to think about the trip over and how very tense the journey was. No one else dared to venture to the other side of the isle for fear that what we didn?t find on this side, would be found on the other. I jumped into my own boat that I towed along for personal use. I took my boat and went around the island in search of other life. I got about halfway around the island when I saw movement in the bushes. I came up close to it, and it jumped away again. I ran after it, and it kept jumping away. I ran and ran and ran, until it brought me to the middle of the island, which housed a volcano. Then in the glow of the top of the mountain, I saw its face. It was quite a strange thing to see, it seemed almost like me, yet not: it was slightly taller than me and it had a slight hunch. I was guessing that if it stood up it would be towering over me. Instead of fearing it, I tried to see if it would communicate with me. I told it my name, it made a small grunt, and then it told me it?s name was Jono. Then it said ?Follow me. I shall lead you to my sister, Jamia.? He then hopped near the volcano, and jumped on top of a very strange looking rock. The rock opened up to reveal a tube. I didn?t know where this would lead, but I knew it would be an adventure. He jumped in and I followed to see how deep the rabbit hole went. When we came out of the dark tunnel, it amazed me how strange and somewhat shiny this new place was. He then pressed something on somewhat of a belt on his waist. A flash of light, and he somehow looked almost exactly like me, except for blonde hair and blue eyes to my brown hair and green eyes. I asked him how he did this, he asked me ?Don?t you know about morphing?? No, I said. ?What is that? I don?t even know the word.? ?It is a technique that we, as a race, use to confuse and overcome enemies. Are you an enemy?? he asked very straight-forward. ?No way!? I said, surprised that he had asked the question when, if I was an enemy, I had already infiltrated his base. ?What if I am?? I pondered aloud. Before I knew it, he was on top of my chest, meat cleaver-like claws extended an inch from my face. ?This.? He replied, baring a row of saw-tooth teeth. ?Understood?? ?Yes sir!? I said, without thinking twice. ?Good, because you wouldn?t like it if I followed through on any of my threats. I get very messy if you get my meaning.? He growled, his face dead serious Onward we walked, rather talkative considering the threat he now posed, maybe I was trying to lighten the mood, I don?t know. I found out through conversation that his species has the ability to change their shape to anything imaginable, as long as their weight stayed the same. Jono seemed rather proud of his abilities showing me that the teeth were part of a transformation. Note to self, this means when these creatures transform as to have extra claws or teeth or other hard substance, their actually body would be easier to damage. I noticed while we walked that his body was in a slow, constant, shift, seemingly to it?s emotions. When we got closer he got more anxious and his legs visibly enlarged, possibly a flight OR fight response considering the claws that popped out of his toes. But as we were walking further back before he threatened me, he was smaller, shorter than me and looked almost cuddly. Then after he jumped me, he grew two feet and was suddenly towering over me, resembling something out of a nightmare! This new situation was getting more and more interesting as we went on, and I was anxious to uncover the next enigma that would catch my mind like a roktu* beetle on a rofrekt*. Finally, we reached the village elders' hut, where he told me to continue into the dwelling. it was slightly claustrophobic, it as maybe twenty feet wide and 25 feet deep. and the roof was low enough so that when i entered, my head brushed the roof. i guess that's what you get for being of a fixed size in a highly variable world. "*are you sure he won't attack? it would be a shame to have to kill this one, he seems to be a fine specimen." *translated from an ancient Cerant dialect that is in minimal use by only those of high social status or in the tribal council "?Of course not, we had a little talk when we were walking here." ?Basic language, used by Rokans and cerantis alike, most likely because they share some unknown history together long before the present tribal councils of either species were even born, during the age of exploration. "*great warrior prince, do not underestimate the Rokans, remember, many a generation ago, we fought in battle with them, and for every hundred of the enemy we destroyed, a thousand were lost to them. research log dictionary May contain spoilers! read at your own risk!
Age of Exploration: (ayj uv ecks-ploar-ay-shun) a time of great discovery and invention, the tie when the Rokans and the Cerantis first met.

Roktu beetle=(rock-too bee-tl) a 3 inch long beetle that usually inhabits the Rofrekt tree, which has holes in the trunk that capture bugs and disolve them for extra nutrients. Rachtl=(rock-tl) a fruit shaped like a ball with two spikes coming out of either side, worth 1000 Romdes* Romde=(rom-day) the currency of Roku* Island and multiple others, unbeknownst to Gomar and his fellow natives.

Rofrekt=(roe-frekt) a tree that grows fruit similar to strawberries, carnivorous plantgrowth, covered in a glue-like substance Roku Island=(roe-koo I-land) the name of Gomar*?s home island, translated it means ever-living land.

Jokno=(jock-noe) a beetle native to a small patch of islands called Daku*, Note: use extreme precaution when engage this animal! It is extremely aggressive, and has been known to attack Rokans*, height: (in miasma form) variable due to shapeshifting, (lone Jokno) 2 mm, weight: (in miasma form) variable due to variety of different sizes of swarms, ranging in number from hundreds to hundreds of thousands of beetles, (lone Jokno) 2 grams P.S. when in miasma form, Jokno secret an enzyme that, if left long enough, will begin to bond them to each other, this enzyme acts as a mutagen on any other animal except the Nartu* beasts which have ultra-hard skin capable of resisting the speed-mutation effect of touching the enzyme-soaked Jokno, which only happens when they are in miasma, or in close contact for 2 days time, the then rotting enzyme acts as a mutagen rather than a glue and/or digestive fluid, the conditions that effect the different states of this secretion are still a mystery to scientists, avoid contact with this animal if you have observed it in miasma for one day or more, contact will cause flash-mutation, Rokans=(Roe-kanz) the native people of Roku* Island Daku Island=(day-koo i-land) translated as dead land, the native land of the Jokno* and the Nartu* Gomar=(goe-mahr) a boy from Roku* Island, age 16, height 5? 3?, weight w/ armor and weapons, 240 lbs. w/o armor and weapons: 214 lbs. Artaku=(ahr-tah-koo) translated as new land, homeland of Jamia* and Jono*.

Jamia=(jam-ai-a) the sister of Jono*, native to Artaku*, Age 17, height: variable (on account of transformations and emotional shifts), weight: 240 lbs. (consistant throughout transformations and emotional shifts, density changes, not weight) Spoilers may be contained in these writings, read at your own risk! Jono=(joe-noe) the brother of Jamia*, Native to Artaku* Age 19, Height: variable throughout transformations and emotional shifts, density changes, not weight) weight: 300 lbs. consistant throughout transformations. Nartu=(nahr-too) a creature native to Daku* Island, supposedly the land that was first destroyed by Dakun*, this fearsome creature is what a lobster would be if it grew to a forty foot height, grew actual legs, and sported a set of teeth that could rip through an old time, wooden, pirate ship, often mistaken for the Krakken, height: 40 ft. Weight: 2.5 tons

Dakun=(Day-koon) translated: dead place, this creature is one big question mark, no one knows, or wants to know, where it came from, only that the first place it destroyed was the island named after it, Daku* Island. Nothing is known about the ten minutes for everything on the average island, roughly 10-20 square miles, and that the Nartu* and the Jokno* are unaffected by this process, research into this has already commenced and is gaining momentum. It?s shape is spherical, perfectly round, and 5 miles in diameter. It?s weight is unknown because whatever thrust system it uses doesn?t work with conventional laws of thrust and weight, because we cannot find any form of thrust and locomotion trying to get closer to the creature is HIGHLY UNRECCOMENDED, doing so would endanger the lives of our researchers and crew, this will not be allowed under any circumstance! It either uses some unknown force like the planets magnetic field to propel itself, or uses some kind of supernatural force to move. Do not attempt to contact at any time! A piece of the monster (we are still not sure what cut it off from it?s hide) is in Base: Alpha Sigma 16*, we are trying to see what destroys it as we go along, but every time we hit it, it just sits there, like the explosions are somehow making it stronger!, we think it absorbs all energy, temporal, kinetic, thermal, you name it. But how it does this is still a mystery.

Base: Alpha Sigma 16: (al-fa sig-ma siks) a military base running various different programs such as the trans-dimensional viewing program where we happened upon a planet that is in a nuclear winter and is at the end of it?s life! The natives call their planet earth, pronunciation: erth, and its seems they have no new recruits for part of the program called New Earth designed to leave earth and terra-form other planets. and two other viable ways of surviving after earth, Project: Shield, and Project: Genesis. ASSISTANCE TO THESE CREATURES WILL BE PROVIDED IF FELT NESSESARY TO CONTINUE THE EXISTENCE OF THEIR SPECIES. Engagement code: Alpha Omega 13. Project codename: Code Red Earth. Continue observing until deemed necessary for intervention with the survival of the human species. may not be able to be trusted, use extreme caution when assisting.

Project #2: Final Fight: Final Fight is a trans-organic mutation program, basic designation is to be able to combine our mass with the ground to allow us to make our body parts into projectile weapons, crossbows, rifles, guns, even explosives, one large failing in this project is the combination process, past failures have resulted in death by being absorbed into the planet because the process was uncontrollable, the opposite has also been seen, they can absorb the mass but they do not know how to control the extra mass, causing them to be unable to rrevert to their original form without expelling the extra mass from their bodies.

Project #3: Rage Virus: The Rage Virus is, in laymans terms, a super steroid, causing massive muscle mass increase of up to 1000% in 30 seconds, the subjects tested instantaniously revert to primitive actions, violence instead of reason, the subject can lift even more weight than expected from it's increased muscle mass, the side effect is unfortunately death, because after adrenaline has ceased to course through their body, the pain is far too excruciating to live any longer, the rage virus generally lasts 4-6 minutes depending on the stress level of the situation, the intense pain that causes death is obviously caused by the jaw-dropping speed at which the muscles increase in size, then deflate in half that time, the pain would be somewhat equal to having a surgery performed on every muscle in your body simultaneously, the ethic consequences of this would be great, do not under any circumstances, besides all out war with another species, use this on Ceranti, animal test subjects only, a full-grown Cerantis may destroy the containment chamber.
Cerantis (ser-ont-iss) (plural, ser-ont-ee) our native race, we are capable of changing our body density from that of water, to hard enough to withstand a human atomic bomb. CAUTION! getting dense enough to survive said bomb takes serious training to keep you body from remaining that size.
Torren (tore-ren) he is unknown to all our wisest elders and uncatchable with even our best spys, and even when we get him cornered, he still can fight his way out of every situation we put him through, destroying the sentinel bots on they're highest setting. but ironically, the best combatant we have hates fighting, he only disables the bots and guards we send after him, the most we've seen for damage the this Cerantis has ever caused was a slight scratch on the cheek, which was only caused by the fool getting in his way, he may be a reluctant ally, but he would be a great asset in a time of possible war with the Rokans, keep tight surveillance on his movements. use Vault code 2064b to access a plan to bring the subject to our control.
 

Dusty Donuts

New member
Jul 16, 2009
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s00perguy said:
i know it sounds pathetic, but i can't trust my friends or family to give me an honest opinion on my book, and i need honest, blunt, bastards like yourselves to review it, so here it is, my book so far

*=check research log at back for definition. Chapter 1
?Run, Dad, run!? I screamed. My father was practically tripping over his own feet as he ran from our pursuer. Around and around we ran, the stadium roaring with the cheers of onlookers, and I saw some of them betting on me and whatever it was that was chasing me. A titanic claw raked the ground where I would have been standing mere seconds ago. Maybe I should back up. My name is Gomar, once a hero, now a criminal worth no more than the ground on which I walk. My friends are Jamia and Jono. When it comes to someone threatening their life, I?m not exactly the conversational type and someone was about to cause them pain. And I wasn?t pleased. So I did what any sensible person would do, I punched his lights out. Apparently he told a very false tale about me, which I will speak of later on, so here I am, running for my life to entertain these people. If I got out alive I would get him, no questions asked! I did not know what the creature chasing me was called, however, there was another creature there that I did know. It was a miasma (a seemingly single organism made of many) known as the Jokno beetle. Just then I noticed something very important about this particular swarm of Jokno that was very well emphasized in the textbooks I read in school. Since the match began the Jokno hadn?t separated and surrounded me, the usual Jokno hunting tactic. This is when I realized this was a Jokno that could no longer separate into the millions of Jokno it was once made of. As the textbook said, when they were in this state, touching them in any way would mutate and physically bond them to your anatomy. You are able to lift three hundred times your own weight and with the bond you would grow pincers on your arms, strong and sharp enough to chop through steel. This would be the best thing to ever happen to you except for the unholy monster you become. But I had to take my chances or meet my death by whatever was chasing me. Lucky me, the Jokno was heading straight for me and I charged. Praying this would work, I touched its skin; it felt dry, soft, and slightly furry. In the span of the few seconds it took to transform, there was unimaginable pain! I tried to scream but the transformation was too fast for the thought to scream to get from my mind to my lips. Then there was nothing to make a sound with, for my mouth was replaced by insectoid jaws. I heard the beetle slurping into my entire anatomy. When it was over, my skin was so hard I hadn?t even noticed that the creature that had been chasing me had bitten me. Then I grabbed it by the snout and threw it to the other side of the stadium punching a hole through the wall. When the dust settled I was ready to pound it again, and again, the adrenaline pumping through my system. Amazed at what I did, I looked at the beast as it lay limp, dead. I ran through the hole so fast I almost flew, my father still standing there bug-eyed, muttering something to the effect of, ?I saw nothing!?. I then hid in shame of my hideousness, taking advantage of the darkness provided by a filthy alleyway, then dreamt of before all this came to be. It started on Roku* Island, my home. Reportedly islands and land masses were spontaneously becoming lifeless and I, being the adventurer I was, was curious. So I studied the pattern that the islands were dying in and realized the one right beside us was next! I rowed my old boat out there and waited. It was midnight when I finally saw it. Like a silvery orb with an ominous glow, it sped toward the island I was on. I stared in awe. This was what was doing all this and I doubted it could be stopped. Fearing that my island was next, I jumped in my boat and I swear it was the first time it was in the air, not even touching the water. I told the elders what I had seen and the blood drained form their faces as they went white with fear! Immediately they went into action preparing the islanders to evacuate.
I was rushing everyone to the evacuation boats in the last minutes of the escape when a little boy tripped and fell so hard as to break his leg. I saw the escape was going smoothly so I ran over to him and picked him up inches from the orb. I found his mother and it was a very joyous reunion. Everyone got off the island seconds before the orb swallowed it whole! They called me a hero. I saved the boys life seconds from death and didn?t even know I could have met my own end also.
After sucking the life from the island it lifted away like a ball of molten gold hovering above the now lifeless land. I could have sworn that if it had eyes, it was looking at me. We were now on a new island to begin a new life. There were trees with fruits we did not know anything about, Strangely, everything on the island was quite edible. We couldn?t seem to find anything that was poisonous, fortunately for us. Everything was different and new for it was a land that had not yet been mapped, a whole new chapter in our textbooks and our lives. There was something that mother of the child I had saved, handed to me. It was a fruit from our island, my home. A Rachtl*, the most expensive delicacy on Roku Island. The mother said that this was her way of thanking me and gave me the only part of our island that was left. The elders believed in starting new for this island, not bringing home with us. It would merely cause sadness and depression. No one knew what this orb wanted or what it was, but I had a feeling that the elders knew that and more. They were the wisest of our village, and if they didn?t know, nobody did. I went to the hut of the elders, the first one built, for they are the most important people in the village. Their hut was quite large, large enough to accommodate everyone in the village until the other houses were made. The elders were inside of their hut when we walked up to their conference table to ask why the orb was here and what it was. They said the orb was known as Dakun. It was also known as The Devourer. It had been going through the process of devouring the life of all the masses of land for centuries. This kept happening because life kept returning to these dead islands unknowingly, so it had found a supposedly infinite food source. I never wanted this to happen but now it was. My greatest nightmare was realized and brought to life. I went to my cot on the floor feeling sad and hopeless. I began to think about the trip over and how very tense the journey was. No one else dared to venture to the other side of the isle for fear that what we didn?t find on this side, would be found on the other. I jumped into my own boat that I towed along for personal use. I took my boat and went around the island in search of other life. I got about halfway around the island when I saw movement in the bushes. I came up close to it, and it jumped away again. I ran after it, and it kept jumping away. I ran and ran and ran, until it brought me to the middle of the island, which housed a volcano. Then in the glow of the top of the mountain, I saw its face. It was quite a strange thing to see, it seemed almost like me, yet not: it was slightly taller than me and it had a slight hunch. I was guessing that if it stood up it would be towering over me. Instead of fearing it, I tried to see if it would communicate with me. I told it my name, it made a small grunt, and then it told me it?s name was Jono. Then it said ?Follow me. I shall lead you to my sister, Jamia.? He then hopped near the volcano, and jumped on top of a very strange looking rock. The rock opened up to reveal a tube. I didn?t know where this would lead, but I knew it would be an adventure. He jumped in and I followed to see how deep the rabbit hole went. When we came out of the dark tunnel, it amazed me how strange and somewhat shiny this new place was. He then pressed something on somewhat of a belt on his waist. A flash of light, and he somehow looked almost exactly like me, except for blonde hair and blue eyes to my brown hair and green eyes. I asked him how he did this, he asked me ?Don?t you know about morphing?? No, I said. ?What is that? I don?t even know the word.? ?It is a technique that we, as a race, use to confuse and overcome enemies. Are you an enemy?? he asked very straight-forward. ?No way!? I said, surprised that he had asked the question when, if I was an enemy, I had already infiltrated his base. ?What if I am?? I pondered aloud. Before I knew it, he was on top of my chest, meat cleaver-like claws extended an inch from my face. ?This.? He replied, baring a row of saw-tooth teeth. ?Understood?? ?Yes sir!? I said, without thinking twice. ?Good, because you wouldn?t like it if I followed through on any of my threats. I get very messy if you get my meaning.? He growled, his face dead serious Onward we walked, rather talkative considering the threat he now posed, maybe I was trying to lighten the mood, I don?t know. I found out through conversation that his species has the ability to change their shape to anything imaginable, as long as their weight stayed the same. Jono seemed rather proud of his abilities showing me that the teeth were part of a transformation. Note to self, this means when these creatures transform as to have extra claws or teeth or other hard substance, their actually body would be easier to damage. I noticed while we walked that his body was in a slow, constant, shift, seemingly to it?s emotions. When we got closer he got more anxious and his legs visibly enlarged, possibly a flight OR fight response considering the claws that popped out of his toes. But as we were walking further back before he threatened me, he was smaller, shorter than me and looked almost cuddly. Then after he jumped me, he grew two feet and was suddenly towering over me, resembling something out of a nightmare! This new situation was getting more and more interesting as we went on, and I was anxious to uncover the next enigma that would catch my mind like a roktu* beetle on a rofrekt*. Finally, we reached the village elders' hut, where he told me to continue into the dwelling. it was slightly claustrophobic, it as maybe twenty feet wide and 25 feet deep. and the roof was low enough so that when i entered, my head brushed the roof. i guess that's what you get for being of a fixed size in a highly variable world. "*are you sure he won't attack? it would be a shame to have to kill this one, he seems to be a fine specimen." *translated from an ancient Cerant dialect that is in minimal use by only those of high social status or in the tribal council "?Of course not, we had a little talk when we were walking here." ?Basic language, used by Rokans and cerantis alike, most likely because they share some unknown history together long before the present tribal councils of either species were even born, during the age of exploration. "*great warrior prince, do not underestimate the Rokans, remember, many a generation ago, we fought in battle with them, and for every hundred of the enemy we destroyed, a thousand were lost to them. research log dictionary May contain spoilers! read at your own risk! Age of Exploration: (ayj uv ecks-ploar-ay-shun) Roktu beetle=(rock-too bee-tl) a 3 inch long beetle that usually inhabits the Rofrekt tree, which has holes in the trunk that capture bugs and disolve them for extra nutrients. Rachtl=(rock-tl) a fruit shaped like a ball with two spikes coming out of either side, worth 1000 Romdes* Romde=(rom-day) the currency of Roku* Island and multiple others, unbeknownst to Gomar and his fellow natives. Rofrekt=(roe-frekt) a tree that grows fruit similar to strawberries, carnivorous plantgrowth, covered in a glue-like substance Roku Island=(roe-koo I-land) the name of Gomar*?s home island, translated it means ever-living land.

Jokno=(jock-noe) a beetle native to a small patch of islands called Daku*, Note: use extreme precaution when engage this animal! It is extremely aggressive, and has been known to attack Rokans*, height: (in miasma form) variable due to shapeshifting, (lone Jokno) 2 mm, weight: (in miasma form) variable due to variety of different sizes of swarms, ranging in number from hundreds to hundreds of thousands of beetles, (lone Jokno) 2 grams P.S. when in miasma form, Jokno secret an enzyme that, if left long enough, will begin to bond them to each other, this enzyme acts as a mutagen on any other animal except the Nartu* beasts which have ultra-hard skin capable of resisting the speed-mutation effect of touching the enzyme-soaked Jokno, which only happens when they are in miasma, or in close contact for 2 days time, the then rotting enzyme acts as a mutagen rather than a glue and/or digestive fluid, the conditions that effect the different states of this secretion are still a mystery to scientists, avoid contact with this animal if you have observed it in miasma for one day or more, contact will cause flash-mutation, Rokans=(Roe-kanz) the native people of Roku* Island Daku Island=(day-koo i-land) translated as dead land, the native land of the Jokno* and the Nartu* Gomar=(goe-mahr) a boy from Roku* Island, age 16, height 5? 3?, weight w/ armor and weapons, 240 lbs. w/o armor and weapons: 214 lbs. Artaku=(ahr-tah-koo) translated as new land, homeland of Jamia* and Jono*. Jamia=(jam-ai-a) the sister of Jono*, native to Artaku*, Age 17, height: variable (on account of transformations and emotional shifts), weight: 240 lbs. (consistant throughout transformations and emotional shifts, density changes, not weight) Spoilers may be contained in these writings, read at your own risk! Jono=(joe-noe) the brother of Jamia*, Native to Artaku* Age 19, Height: variable throughout transformations and emotional shifts, density changes, not weight) weight: 300 lbs. consistant throughout transformations. Nartu=(nahr-too) a creature native to Daku* Island, supposedly the land that was first destroyed by Dakun*, this fearsome creature is what a lobster would be if it grew to a forty foot height, grew actual legs, and sported a set of teeth that could rip through an old time, wooden, pirate ship, often mistaken for the Krakken, height: 40 ft. Weight: 2.5 tons Dakun=(Day-koon) translated: dead place, this creature is one big question mark, no one knows, or wants to know, where it came from, only that the first place it destroyed was the island named after it, Daku* Island. Nothing is known about the ten minutes for everything on the average island, roughly 10-20 square miles, and that the Nartu* and the Jokno* are unaffected by this process, research into this has already commenced and is gaining momentum. It?s shape is spherical, perfectly round, and 5 miles in diameter. It?s weight is unknown because whatever thrust system it uses doesn?t work with conventional laws of thrust and weight, because we cannot find any form of thrust and locomotion trying to get closer to the creature is HIGHLY UNRECCOMENDED, doing so would endanger the lives of our researchers and crew, this will not be allowed under any circumstance! It either uses some unknown force like the planets magnetic field to propel itself, or uses some kind of supernatural force to move. Do not attempt to contact at any time! A piece of the monster (we are still not sure what cut it off from it?s hide) is in Base: Alpha Sigma 16*, we are trying to see what destroys it as we go along, but every time we hit it, it just sits there, like the explosions are somehow making it stronger!, we think it absorbs all energy, temporal, kinetic, thermal, you name it. But how it does this is still a mystery.
Base: Alpha Sigma 16: (al-fa sig-ma siks) a military base running various different programs such as the trans-dimensional viewing program where we happened upon a planet that is in a nuclear winter and is at the end of it?s life! The natives call their planet earth, pronunciation: erth, and its seems they have no new recruits for part of the program called New Earth designed to leave earth and terra-form other planets. and two other viable ways of surviving after earth, Project: Shield, and Project: Genesis. ASSISTANCE TO THESE CREATURES WILL BE PROVIDED IF FELT NESSESARY TO CONTINUE THE EXISTENCE OF THEIR SPECIES. Engagement code: Alpha Omega 13. Project codename: Code Red Earth. Continue observing until deemed necessary for intervention with the survival of the human species. may not be able to be trusted, use extreme caution when assisting. Project #2: Final Fight: Final Fight is a trans-organic mutation program, basic designation is to be able to combine our mass with the ground to allow us to make our body parts into projectile weapons, crossbows, rifles, guns, even explosives, one large failing in this project is the combination process, past failures have resulted in death by being absorbed into the planet because the process was uncontrollable, the opposite has also been seen, they can absorb the mass but they do not know how to control the extra mass, causing them to be unable to rrevert to their original form without expelling the extra mass from their bodies. Project #3: Rage Virus: The Rage Virus is, in laymans terms, a super steroid, causing massive muscle mass increase of up to 1000% in 30 seconds, the subjects tested instantaniously revert to primitive actions, violence instead of reason, the subject can lift even more weight than expected from it's increased muscle mass, the side effect is unfortunately death, because after adrenaline has ceased to course through their body, the pain is far too excruciating to live any longer, the rage virus generally lasts 4-6 minutes depending on the stress level of the situation, the intense pain that causes death is obviously caused by the jaw-dropping speed at which the muscles increase in size, then deflate in half that time, the pain would be somewhat equal to having a surgery performed on every muscle in your body simultaneously, the ethic consequences of this would be great, do not under any circumstances, besides all out war with another species, use this on Ceranti, animal test subjects only, a full-grown Cerantis may destroy the containment chamber. Cerantis (ser-ont-iss) (plural, ser-ont-ee) our native race, we are capable of changing our body density from that of water, to hard enough to withstand a human atomic bomb. CAUTION! getting dense enough to survive said bomb takes serious training to keep you body from remaining that size. Torren (tore-ren) he is unknown to all our wisest elders and uncatchable with even our best spys, and even when we get him cornered, he still can fight his way out of every situation we put him through, destroying the sentinel bots on they're highest setting. but ironically, the best combatant we have hates fighting, he only disables the bots and guards we send after him, the most we've seen for damage the this Cerantis has ever caused was a slight scratch on the cheek, which was only caused by the fool getting in his way, he may be a reluctant ally, but he would be a great asset in a time of possible war with the Rokans, keep tight surveillance on his movements. use Vault code 2064b to access a plan to bring the subject to our control.
Wow, wall of text here. I'm ashamed to say it, but tl;dr!
All I can say is from the snippets I read is that it sounds like a generic, Science-Fiction book that'll probably end up fading into the background after quite a bang. Sorry, this opinion probably won't be accurate, but that's just way too long for me.
 

dududf

New member
Aug 31, 2009
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Yeah, no offense but TL;DR.

From the snippets I scanned, it sounds like a cheesy Sci-Fi book.
 

Kaboose the Moose

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Feb 15, 2009
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imahobbit4062 said:
*snippety snip snip*
Goll-y!. That's a wall of text laddie and it's quite unreadable to my eyes. At best it's going to be a slow, grinding read but if you could sort of, you know, break up those paragraphs in a readable fashion, someone might comment on it faster.
 

s00perguy

New member
Nov 18, 2009
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yaaaa, srry it copied onto there in that way, in my file it has it in paragraphs, sorry. ill do that rite now
 

Altorin

Jack of No Trades
May 16, 2008
6,976
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if you dont trust your friends to critique your work then im not going to read it, because its probably bad
 

JIst00

New member
Nov 11, 2009
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Woah, wall of text dude! But i managed without having a stroke. Sounds very arcadia-esque, kinda Final Fantasy with a twist?

Was pretty cool tbh, but for 1 chapter I think it moved way too fast, especially the background bit, but then without the rest to read I cant really comment. I think u got balls to put it up on a forum like this, and hope u got a Flame-Retardant suit handy =P but fair play to u for doing it. How much more have u written?

EDIT: Thinking about it, the guy probably doesnt want his friends to critique it as they are his friends, the advice will not be impartial, they may say its good even if they think its awful for not wanting to hurt his feelings =P
 

Altorin

Jack of No Trades
May 16, 2008
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JIst00 said:
Woah, wall of text dude! But i managed without having a stroke. Sounds very arcadia-esque, kinda Final Fantasy with a twist?

Was pretty cool tbh, but for 1 chapter I think it moved way too fast, especially the background bit, but then without the rest to read I cant really comment. I think u got balls to put it up on a forum like this, and hope u got a Flame-Retardant suit handy =P but fair play to u for doing it. How much more have u written?

EDIT: Thinking about it, the guy probably doesnt want his friends to critique it as they are his friends, the advice will not be impartial, they may say its good even if they think its awful for not wanting to hurt his feelings =P
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you're probably right, but sometimes you don't need criticism. If he's anything like me, with my writing, I know what's bad, when I read it. However, I go to my friends to find out what's really GOOD, which is harder to determine on my own.

Plus, critiquing this story, despite cries of "lol wall of text" would be like critiquing a song 5 seconds into it, I would assume he wants to make it longer. And if he does, then this is just a small piece of the whole.
 

LongAndShort

I'm pretty good. Yourself?
May 11, 2009
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As has been mentioned and will doubtless be mentioned again, its just a wall. You have massive paragraphs which fucks with the whole pace of the work, and the pace is fucked. Break it up into smaller paragraphs. I was taught that its best to keep it to 4-5 lines when writing. gives it a smoother pace and forces you to be more careful with your structure.

Plot's good, but it seemed that you were trying to give the background in an inappropriate moment. Use this first chapter to introduce characters, include a little vision of the world they lived in and give some action to draw in the reader.

And please do not introduce yourself to the reader, let other characters do it. Instead of saying: 'My name is Gomar...' say something like: '"Gomar look out!"I heard my father call my name and side-stepped, narrowly missed by a...' In the words of someone whose name I can's remember, show don't tell.

That's all I want to say because I really don't want to sound like a prick and am sorry if I already have. Plot's good though, so just keep working on it.
 

FROGGEman2

Queen of France
Mar 14, 2009
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I read the beginning and I like your "stream of conciousness" style, but seriously, I can't honestly criticise.

ALSO - Ignore all the people telling you to change things like the pacing, or the "My name is Gosomething" bits.

That was my favourite part, you should stick with makes you unique.
 

xDarc

Elite Member
Feb 19, 2009
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I'm guessing you read comics because this reads like a comic. There are events in your writing that you spend a paragraph on which could- should, take up an entire chapter of a book. Put down the comics or start reading some real authors. Learn to make better use of language with fewer words. Tighten up your sentences, especially for action.

I recommend Brian Keene and/or Richard Laymon if you want to learn how to write or gain insight into writers. They do strictly horror stuff but Laymon's books frequently have English majors, teachers or librarians as the main character. Brian Keene has a book where the character is a budding writer. Stick to what you know. Even if your character has insect jaws, he can still do things that you do or know things that you know.

Setting up the most outrageous scene you can think of isn't always the best way to grab a reader. Usually, setting up the most human scene, something that reader connects to, works better. (Unless your idea is truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous, like Gem.)
 

Yumi_and_Erea

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Nov 11, 2009
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Keep it up...and by that I mean keep up the practice.
There is some decent work in here, but I don't it's been polished enough yet.
It's great that you like to write and I actually think you could be great with some more work but for now, this is about average reading-material:

Not bad enough to really complain about, but not good enough to remember either.
Try and write a lot of stories and make sure they're all somewhat different. It helps.
Also, try and write at least one piece belonging to a genre you've never done before.
This will help you give new insights into story-drive, pacing and character-development.
 

s00perguy

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Nov 18, 2009
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no no no! you don't get it! that's not why i posted it on the escapist! i did it for the harsh reviews! i know none of these guys give a rats ass about a book, so if my book can impress them, thats an achievement. do you get the logic now?
 

s00perguy

New member
Nov 18, 2009
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James_Sunderland said:
Keep it up...and by that I mean keep up the practice.
There is some decent work in here, but I don't it's been polished enough yet.
It's great that you like to write and I actually think you could be great with some more work but for now, this is about average reading-material:

Not bad enough to really complain about, but not good enough to remember either.
Try and write a lot of stories and make sure they're all somewhat different. It helps.
Also, try and write at least one piece belonging to a genre you've never done before.
This will help you give new insights into story-drive, pacing and character-development.
look, im not trying to set the world on fire like stephanie meyer, j.r. tolkien or any of those other guys, the honest to god thing i want is, do even gamers, people who would use a book to wipe their asses before reading it, give a damn if it was published? see whre im going with that?
 

s00perguy

New member
Nov 18, 2009
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xDarc said:
I'm guessing you read comics because this reads like a comic. There are events in your writing that you spend a paragraph on which could- should, take up an entire chapter of a book. Put down the comics or start reading some real authors. Learn to make better use of language with fewer words. Tighten up your sentences, especially for action.

I recommend Brian Keene and/or Richard Laymon if you want to learn how to write or gain insight into writers. They do strictly horror stuff but Laymon's books frequently have English majors, teachers or librarians as the main character. Brian Keene has a book where the character is a budding writer. Stick to what you know. Even if your character has insect jaws, he can still do things that you do or know things that you know.

Setting up the most outrageous scene you can think of isn't always the best way to grab a reader. Usually, setting up the most human scene, something that reader connects to, works better. (Unless your idea is truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous, like Gem.)
you know what? you read me, i read loads of comic books, so yes, it's written as a comic book. but im personally not a good enough artist to draw this shit up. also it was written like this movie open adaptation, to the movie set, t.v. show i don't give a damn if it sells 200 copies. i just want to get my work into this world before my end comes.
 

s00perguy

New member
Nov 18, 2009
17
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deadman91 said:
As has been mentioned and will doubtless be mentioned again, its just a wall. You have massive paragraphs which fucks with the whole pace of the work, and the pace is fucked. Break it up into smaller paragraphs. I was taught that its best to keep it to 4-5 lines when writing. gives it a smoother pace and forces you to be more careful with your structure.

Plot's good, but it seemed that you were trying to give the background in an inappropriate moment. Use this first chapter to introduce characters, include a little vision of the world they lived in and give some action to draw in the reader.

And please do not introduce yourself to the reader, let other characters do it. Instead of saying: 'My name is Gomar...' say something like: '"Gomar look out!"I heard my father call my name and side-stepped, narrowly missed by a...' In the words of someone whose name I can's remember, show don't tell.

That's all I want to say because I really don't want to sound like a prick and am sorry if I already have. Plot's good though, so just keep working on it.
you realize if you actually read the damned thing i introduced about ten different characters right? and people being pricks is EXACTLY what i want from this site! i need people who don't give a damn about books to give me the best advice of all! some logic IS buried in there some where.
 

s00perguy

New member
Nov 18, 2009
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Altorin said:
JIst00 said:
Woah, wall of text dude! But i managed without having a stroke. Sounds very arcadia-esque, kinda Final Fantasy with a twist?

Was pretty cool tbh, but for 1 chapter I think it moved way too fast, especially the background bit, but then without the rest to read I cant really comment. I think u got balls to put it up on a forum like this, and hope u got a Flame-Retardant suit handy =P but fair play to u for doing it. How much more have u written?

EDIT: Thinking about it, the guy probably doesnt want his friends to critique it as they are his friends, the advice will not be impartial, they may say its good even if they think its awful for not wanting to hurt his feelings =P
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you're probably right, but sometimes you don't need criticism. If he's anything like me, with my writing, I know what's bad, when I read it. However, I go to my friends to find out what's really GOOD, which is harder to determine on my own.

Plus, critiquing this story, despite cries of "lol wall of text" would be like critiquing a song 5 seconds into it, I would assume he wants to make it longer. And if he does, then this is just a small piece of the whole.
exactly guys, my friends i can't trust for an honestly harsh review i need people who can be assholes but with good points, and to answer jists question, yes some of the inspiration came from final fantasy 10. unfortunately, i needed a starting palate, and that was the only jrpg i ever liked, despite the grindathon that it was. but the idea of the big life ending monster was too great to resist.so i borrowed that part. but no the hero does not find out that monster is daddy. and no im not going to hold it to the floor and rip its limbs off. im going to use that idea and that one alone. and god point about the wall of text thing. i just gave people a snippet rather than the whole thing. these guys are gamers, they have ADD or ADHD so its impossible to know what will hold their attention for the next nanosecond.
 

s00perguy

New member
Nov 18, 2009
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Altorin said:
if you dont trust your friends to critique your work then im not going to read it, because its probably bad
im not letting them critique it because eve if it is bad, they might take pitty on me in hopes of not "crushing my dreams" you know what im referring to. i need complete strangers who can level with me and tell me how bad it is, whats so bad, and how can i improve it? if you have a problem reading, go back to your fps ad stop reading posts that are about books, because you have ADD so a book couldn't hold your attention from one second to the next.
 

Yumi_and_Erea

New member
Nov 11, 2009
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s00perguy said:
James_Sunderland said:
Keep it up...and by that I mean keep up the practice.
There is some decent work in here, but I don't it's been polished enough yet.
It's great that you like to write and I actually think you could be great with some more work but for now, this is about average reading-material:

Not bad enough to really complain about, but not good enough to remember either.
Try and write a lot of stories and make sure they're all somewhat different. It helps.
Also, try and write at least one piece belonging to a genre you've never done before.
This will help you give new insights into story-drive, pacing and character-development.
look, im not trying to set the world on fire like stephanie meyer, j.r. tolkien or any of those other guys, the honest to god thing i want is, do even gamers, people who would use a book to wipe their asses before reading it, give a damn if it was published? see whre im going with that?
I take offense to that asswiping remark (I've read more novels than I've played games) but I'll put that on the back-burner for now. To be as blunt as may be, no I wouldn't care.
But I do honestly believe that you could be incredible with a little more fine-tuning.
If you actually want to consider publication, then I'm afraid this might not cut it.
But you've got potential. And quite a bit, I might say.

But I do suggest you do a little more research in a field you've obviously neglected up until now: knowing your audience. You assumed that no-one here gave a toss about reading because folks here spend most of their time on gaming. Newsflash: people can do both.

If you want the opinions of people who honestly couldn't care less about literature, then the Escapist isn't the right place. There's lots of cool, alternative and intelligent people here, who will have read lots of great stuff. One need only look at the insane number of times Douglas Adams gets quoted here every day in order to establish as much. No, if you want truly unbiased opinions of people without literary care in the slightest, I would recommend somewhat more uncivilized and primitive environments, such as your average Counter-Strike forum.