Poll: Am I allowed to be jealous?

[Vetterthorir783]

OP, have only read your post to keep my mind clear of outside opinions, so I may be stating something that many others have already told you, but it sounds like your subconscious is tell you that you don't want to keep your options open anymore. I've had a few friends w/ benefits, and let me tell you, sooner or later one of you wants to make it more or end it completely. I had en ex- girlfriend who decided that we should continue our relationship by being FwB, and it went great for about 2 months. she then made the decision that she wanted a new boyfriend, while still keeping me on. 2 weeks into that, we stopped talking completely. I guess what I'm saying is... Just be careful, and look inside to see what you really want before you make a move either way.

 

[The Last Nomad]

You are aloud to be jealous, of course. But you should put a stop to your jealousy, preferably not by killing this girl...
Maybe you should talk to the guy about it.

 

[ClunkiestTurtle]

So me and this guy are friends with benefits. We aren't seeing each other or dating, agreeing instead to keeping our options open, but we happen to have sex fairly frequently when hanging out together (this is usually cuddling up watching DVD's) and we are good friends, sharing a few hobbies.

So, I discover he's got his penis in a few other pies, which I'm not really bothered about. But one of the girls is someone I know. Now there is a face to this abstract concept of keeping our options open

I think I am a little bit jealous of her, but I don't know why. So, I'm wondering what you guys think. Am I allowed to be jealous? And can you suggest any reason why I might be jealous? I've a couple of thoughts, but I'd like to know what you think. : )

If i didnt have my mature hat on i would say something along the lines of give your pie to someone else, by the way im starving....

But luckily i didn't just say that....wait a minute.....

Seriously though i think you should just stop giving yourself to him cos sounds like hes kinda using you and taking advantage of your friendship and the security you provide him with, in situations like that almost always someone develops feelings for the other person im guessing thats why your getting jealous even if you dont really think its the case why would you be feeling it otherwise?

It sounds kinda like your his "back up" not a position any self respecting girl should put herself in.

 

[Muramasa89]

I am a bit old fashioned so I am against having more that one partner at a time.

We're a dying breed

Is it normal I'm 17 yet think this too? (I have no problem with it however).

@topic: I get the feeling you don't consider him just a friend anymore, to get jealous over it.

 

[Colour Scientist]

I can understand your jealousy but if you agreed to be friends with benefits then you don't really have a claim to him. I've been in that kind of situation and if you don't think you can cope with the jealousy then get out now.

 

[Ghostkai]

There are no rules for these kind of things, if you both agree to having an "open relationship" always a bad idea IMO, as someone will always develop feelings.

Not much you can do.

 

[RadioActiveChimp]

I am a bit old fashioned so I am against having more that one partner at a time.

We're a dying breed

indeed we are

 

[Yureina]

Something tells me there's more to your feelings than you are allowing yourself to admit. Otherwise, you probably would not be feeling very "jealous" over this. But, I know nothing about relationships, so take that for what it is.

 

[tautologico]

What people often don't realize is that simply saying "let's be just friends with benefits" doesn't mean it will be just that. It is not a binding verbal contract. What people say to each other and what they do is often different.

So "friends with benefits" usually means friends that have sex once in a while. If you go about your relationship with the guy as if you two were girlfriend and boyfriend (cuddling, hooking up often), it's not "friends with benefits", regardless of what you say to each other.

I'm not saying this is your case, but from what you said it seems like it may be. So I think it's normal that you're jealous, you probably have more feelings for the guy than what is expected from a "friends with benefits" relationship. My advice is to try to talk to him to figure out what your relationship is, instead of saying it is one thing and doing another.

 

[Ekonk]

While it would be perfectly valid to be jealous if you two were in a relationship, it hardly is now. First stating that you want to keep your options open, no ties, etc, and then get angry when you discover he's also shagging someone else you know is having double standards.

Jealousy is natural, but by having said those things you make it kind of hypocritical.

 

[deadguynotyetburied]

You've probably noticed already that being jealous isn't helping you in any way, but that's never stopped anybody before. Wish you all the best of luck, and hopefully you'll find yourself in a more comfortable situation soon.

 

[yoyo13rom]

I am a bit old fashioned so I am against having more that one partner at a time.

I am a bit old fashioned so I am against having more that one partner at a time.

We're a dying breed

High-fives all around for being old fashioned!

 

[Ruffythepirate]

You obviously have feelings for him, that's why your jealous. I have nothing against open relationships but in my experience they never quite work, simply because feelings will eventually crawl up on you from nowhere. That's just how we humans work for some reason.

 

[elcamino41383]

So "friends with benefits" usually means friends that have sex once in a while. If you go about your relationship with the guy as if you two were girlfriend and boyfriend (cuddling, hooking up often), it's not "friends with benefits", regardless of what you say to each other.

I like all of what you said, but this part especially. I'm in 100% agreement on this one.

OP: ALLOWED to be jealous, sure. But I don't feel its exactly justified in this situation. As many have said before me, you probably have developed more feelings for him than you realize.

 

[The King of Rock and Roll]

A girl talking on the Escapist about her sex life with a guy who's probably cheating on her. Oh this'll go over good...

 

[Eekaida]

its natural the you should feel wrong about this. Women are genetically programmed for monogamy because they invest so much physically in having children. Sociology can overcome this to an extent, but its never fully gone. There's other things to worry about, like STD'S and the such.

Putting that aside, in my mind its more about respect than anything else. Regardless of if its a commited relationship or friends-with-benefits, there needs to be a mutual level of respect, which he's clearly not giving you, firstly by carrying on with other people (regardless of the situation, I believe if he wants to have sex with someone else he should end it with you), and secondly by doing it with someone you know.

 

[Direwolf750]

Not really, if you want to be with him and only you, then you should at least make that clear to him, but if you aren't gf and bf than you can't really complain. He isn't something that you have, so you can't be jealous that hes giving it to other people too.

 

[oktalist]

Of course it is natural for you to be jealous. "Keeping your options open" implies that one of those options is that you might stop seeing each other at some point in the future. If you are jealous, that suggests that that option is undesirable to you.

If I were you (although I am a straight man) I would ask him to go with you. I prefer monogamy. I've seen polygamy bite people in the ass before.

 

[|Ookami]

I am a bit old fashioned so I am against having more that one partner at a time.

We're a dying breed

High-fives all around for being old fashioned!

Good to know that there are still some rational people around.
Old fashioned high-five!

 

[Squilookle]

Come on guys, realistically you can have sex without attachment. Anyone saying otherwise hasn't tried it.

In your case, OP, it's natural to feel jealousy over someone you can put a face to, and can actually imagine doing your bed buddy. But you do know, as I'm sure you always knew when you got into the situation, that allowing each other to see others is exactly that. It's his perogative, just as it's yours to see other men.

Don't feel bad that you're feeling jealous, it's natural. Just remember that you'll just have to roll with it.

And whatever you do, don't let slip that you're jealous or even curious about the other girl- if he gets wind that you don't like him going with her (and therefore want to go back on your agreement) he'll probably start seeing you less out of sheer awkwardness, that is if he doesn't stop altogether. And if you thought you were jealous now, just imagine him bedding her where you're not welcome anymore.