Poll: Am I disgusting for not paying for the first date?

[Flames66]

Well, you should at least offer to pay. Sure, it's a stupid tradition but it's also not a big deal, totally irrelevant to actual gender equality issues. Reminds me of the people who want to ban Christmas trees on government property.

How exactly does it remind you of that? I see no link. At all.

Actually, I think spending actual time thinking about this nonissue is petty and stupid, unless you have a legitimate concern (such as being too poor to afford dinner).

I disagree, I think this is an interesting debate of tradition versus equality, chivalry versus financial responsibility and small issues like this are an important part of the larger issue that is equality.

Personally, it wouldn't occur to me to offer. I have always been brought up to pay for myself and let other deal with their own costs. I also probably wouldn't take a date somewhere that would bring a joint bill.

 

[2HF]

I've always believed that whoever did the asking should do the paying. At least initially.

These days my GF and I have worked out the following system.

1) We play rock, paper, scissors to determine who pays for this meal, movie, whatever.
2) If partner A loses twice in a row the third date will automatically fall to partner B
3) If, after paying for the third date automatically partner B loses the next throw then it counts as losing 2 in a row and partner A will be responsible for the next date.
4) Once a date destination has been chosen and the payer determined, the partner who is not paying is not allowed to up the expected price of the activity. That is to say, once it's been determined that partner A is paying for dinner at Applebees partner B can not suddenly decide they want to go to Ruth's Cris Steakhouse.

We have a lot of fun with it and it works well for us. I'd recommend it to anyone.

 

[the doom cannon]

Even better: first actual date with my fiancee was at our university's cafeteria/dining hall. It cost nothing, and we're still together 4 years later. It's so much easier and more relaxing to have the first date in a comfortable environment than at a dimly lit table with a white tablecloth and 10 utensils perfectly arranged. With a comfortable setting, there are no expectations going into it, and you can get a better feel for the person you're interested in.
So if you ask me, nobody should pay for the first date, or it should be a very small amount for both parties, like the corner coffee shop or something. IMO, a girl who expects more is not the girl for me.

 

[Charli]

First date? I think the person who initiated the idea should pay, whether that be male or female.

After that, I like to go halfsies, since y'know, you're both interested enough to see more of each other.

That's just me though.

 

[Brian Tams]

It depends. If they want to split the ticket, then I'll won't fight them on it. But I'm fine paying for them if they don't mind. I guess you could say its because I'm being a gentleman, but I do the same with friends, too, so its not like I'm trying to impress her or anything. I'm just a nice guy.

EDIT-This of all things was my 500th post? Bleargh. I wanted to make a special topic for the occasion D:

 

[dyre]

Well, you should at least offer to pay. Sure, it's a stupid tradition but it's also not a big deal, totally irrelevant to actual gender equality issues. Reminds me of the people who want to ban Christmas trees on government property.

How exactly does it remind you of that? I see no link. At all.

Actually, I think spending actual time thinking about this nonissue is petty and stupid, unless you have a legitimate concern (such as being too poor to afford dinner).

I disagree, I think this is an interesting debate of tradition versus equality, chivalry versus financial responsibility and small issues like this are an important part of the larger issue that is equality.

Personally, it wouldn't occur to me to offer. I have always been brought up to pay for myself and let other deal with their own costs. I also probably wouldn't take a date somewhere that would bring a joint bill.

I guess you could say it strikes me as taking on problems of such negligible importance that it almost makes a mockery of the actual issues. Some things are just too petty to bother with, especially when they don't bother the actual "victim" (unless the women you date get offended if you try to foot the bill? Hasn't happened in my experience).

Also, from what I've seen almost every restaurant in the US offers both options of a joint bill or pay-your-own-part, so it's not as easy to avoid the issue on our side of the Atlantic.

 

[Hazy]

If you invite them out, you're typically the one who pays.

And if she's a lousy date, you pay in more ways than one.

Am I right people?​

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

It's your responsibility to insist on splitting the bill IMO

The word "insist" can have varying degrees, if we're talking for example...

Guy: I'll pay
Girl: Oh you don't have to...
Guy: I insist *awkward silence*

Then it might be a good idea to insist on splitting the bill.

---
If the situation however is more like...

Guy: I'll pay
Girl: Oh you don't have to...
Guy: Oh I insist, it would be a complete crime against humanity for you to split the bill, I don't believe in it, it shouldn't be done, chivalry is dead, ext ext.

Then it might be better to just let the guy pay.

 

[Callate]

I'd think that's more a question for the person you're dating than the world in general.

"Disgusting" certainly isn't the word I'd use. I would personally tend to pay for the first date (or at least, offer to), but that's me. Then again, my romantic life (while arguably successful- I am married, after all) didn't involve a heckuva lot of "dates".

 

[Fifty-One]

Last date I went on we split the bill. She had her card out before I did. I offered to pick up the bill entirely. She declined. I didn't push it after that. Why ruin a good night by arguing over who's going to pay?

 

[Mikeyfell]

I have an anecdote if that'll help.

I have a friend who's a lesbian and she used to joke about guys paying for dates.
Saying that when ever she goes on a date with a girl the only respectable thing to do is dine and dash, now she's out of restaurants that'll let her in and she's quickly running out of opportunities to find true love.

Personally I think that "The man always pays" is one of those archaic traditions from back in the days of cavemen, but I also think dating it's self is a woefully stupid concept as well.

Think about it, no one NO ONE! is ever themselves on a date. How many times have you heard.
Show up early, wear a suit, complement her shoes and hair, romantic music on the drive, pull out her chair, pay the bill, dinner and a movie, don't call for 24 hours, no sex until the third date if you've followed the instructions to a tee.

It's not a form of human interaction it's a game like whack-a-mole. If you like someone and you want to spend time with them just... spend time with them. Your mind is blown. If you find each other tolerable and attractive just fuck each other.
Dating always seemed like a thing you'd do to someone you want to impress, not something you do to someone who's company you actually enjoy.

... uh what was this about? Oh right. The one who's making the most money at the time should pay.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

considering that the "first date" with me, it tends to be coffee or tea, and if the weather is nice, a walk.
Time to talk, to get a rough idea of who this person is, and whether it's likely I'll see her again.

I don't pay for her, if she cannot afford a coffee, she lacks the level of personal independence I look for in a woman, I expect of her to be able to take care of herself, I'm not looking to be the surrogate parent and extra bank account to a woman who should be at least enough of an adult to take care of her own finances.

Essentially I use not paying, as a kinda minor safety net against clingy users. It's like a first line of defense against being used for whatever money I have, cuz I don't want a woman who just wants me around cuz I buy her stuff.

 

[Random Argument Man]

I always offered. It shows to certain dames that you're an ok guy. However, you don't have to force things. Besides, you're WITH the girl already. If you feel bad about it, you can always compensate in a small way.

 

[DementedSheep]

Considering we don't live in age where the majority of jobs are bared from women no. If they are stuck for cash and you asked them out offer to pay but otherwise split the bill. What's "disgusting" is expecting someone to pay for you and if they do that you're better off hiring a prostitute. At lest that's honest and less likely leave you with parasites.

 

[TheFinalFantasyWolf]

Personally I think the party that makes the offer of a date should probably pay for the first one, I feel like it's more appropriate and polite. After that if the other party does have an interest in continuing the relationship, then proceeding dates should follow the "split unless they insist" rule.

 

[Riot3000]

"because thats what a gentlemen would do..."

you must all have forgotten that chivalry is dead.

just splitt the bill.

this way she wont start to order a dozen dishes and the magically disappear in the bathroom.

Yep. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Don't be polite because you are man and she is woman.
Be polite to all people because you are person and they are person. <3

-

For serious now, I always split dates.
I think my boyfriend's paid for like, one of our dates- which was my birthday. So he took me out as a birthday present. So... I don't think that really counts.

That was before we had been together for ages anyway, when we still had `his money` and `my money`. Now we just kind of have `our money`.
Though when boyfriend was unemployed and I had more money than him, I used to give him the money before we went into the place, because he was worried people would think he was a cheapskate. (And the more I can avoid speaking with other human beings the better, so it was win-win).

another upside on splitting the bill is that you reduce the chance to summon a "Nice Guy ? " effect on your opposite eating partner and ultimately end up with a "friendzoned"/golddigger tale on your reputation.

we should name that phenomenon the freundenzonen effect. cause its sounds more scientific in german.

Don't do that please the "nice guy", "friendzone" and "golddigger" stuff is not a reason to go split the bill. Those words are so overblown and loaded it makes it seem like splitting hairs.

Splitting a check should happen because both parties have no issue with it not some attempt to avoid some empty labels that cause pointless internet noise.

 

[BarkBarker]

If you don't got the dough coming in regularly and in a quantity to merit the cost, I'd be hesitant. Hell, even if you CAN afford it, doesn't mean you have to pay, it should be a question of who wants to not an expectation, a date is for both of you, not for her to be treated well and the man to look after her.

 

[sky14kemea]

Nah there's no problem. I've done the same before.

My reasoning is not that I think it's sexist, it's that I'm not fucking made of money.

I'm gonna agree with this.

I'm all for splitting the bill 50/50 (or just paying for whatever you had) on first dates. I think it's more fair on both people.

The fact is that some people just can't afford to pay for a dinner for two, even if they really like the person they asked out.

By all means, offer to pay for it all if you can afford it, and want to. Personally I'd turn that down and just pay for myself anyway, though. I'd feel too guilty otherwise.