Poll: Am I in the right here? (Girl problem)

[laggyteabag]

So there is this girl that I have been friends with for the best part of the year, and she's been in and out of some quite bad relationships, but the problem with this girl is that she kept on going back no matter what happened. Recently (as of September last year) she has been gong out with this Kid in my year, and they have broke up, then got back together, then broke up, etc.

You see, this kid, told her that he liked another girl, so they broke up, they then got together again, and the same thing happened, they then got together for a third time, before she realised that he wasn't talking to her as much as she had hoped (Clingy?), so they broke up. It then came to light that not only did he like this other girl again, he also had unprotected sex with this completely different girl a mere DAY after they broke up claiming that he was "high" and he couldn't remember a thing (took some Marijuana).

Also, its worth noting that she has caught him watching Porn countless times, and he would go out of his way to have sex with her (He would also gloat about it to his friends) so take that point as you will.

The girl then promised me that she would NEVER go back, and if she did, I said that I wouldn't want anything to do with her (also comically, my friend said that he would get to punch her in the boob, he now has 3 punches). After about 2 days they were friends again, and 2 days after that, they were once again together. Now, I kept my word, I told her that I was tired of warning her and waiting for her to get hurt (after about 9 times collectively), so I said that didn't want ANYTHING to do with her while she was with this kid, and now apparently "I am a bad friend for just leaving", I then had a massive argument with this kid, calling him out on BS, which promptly ended in both her and him blocking me on EVERYTHING.

Thing is, I don't know if I'm in the right or not for just saying "I'm out", so I just thought that I would bring my problems on here, and ask you guys.

NOTE: It might be worth noting that her and the kid are both 16.

 

[gazumped]

Do what you want, it's totally up to you who you associate with and if you don't want to hear about her life and her issues any more then no one's forcing you to.

I do think you sound like a bit of a Judgy McJudge-pants (he had sex with a girl when he was single for less than x amount of time? Oh noes! Teenagers aren't being completely faithful to each other? Whodathunkit!) but then I am in my twenties now and I've seen enough of this kind of thing happening to know that it's really not a big deal and so long as everything is completely consensual and she protects herself from STDs and pregnancy (and doesn't get breast cancer from being punched in the boob by your friend) then her choices aren't going to ruin her life and are, quite frankly, her own business.

But yeah, if you don't want to be dealing with it, then don't. Just so long as this isn't some kind of 'punishment' for her making her own mistakes that don't even affect you, really.

EDIT: Also, porn? Really? You think that's a dumpable offence? Heck, half of us wouldn't be able to date if that was such an issue.

 

[laggyteabag]

I do think you sound like a bit of a Judgy McJudge-pants (he had sex with a girl when he was single for less than x amount of time? Oh noes! Teenagers aren't being completely faithful to each other? Whodathunkit!)

True, but I guess I have this idea in my head that you shouldn't have sex another girl a day after the break up, then claim that he still has feelings for (who was) my friend.

EDIT: Also, porn? Really? You think that's a dumpable offence? Heck, half of us wouldn't be able to date if that was such an issue.

I guess, I mean i dont think its right to say that you love one person, then sit there pleasing yourself because of another. I guess this one is just my view on pornography in a relationship.

 

[gazumped]

I do think you sound like a bit of a Judgy McJudge-pants (he had sex with a girl when he was single for less than x amount of time? Oh noes! Teenagers aren't being completely faithful to each other? Whodathunkit!)

True, but I guess I have this idea in my head that you shouldn't have sex another girl a day after the break up, then claim that he still has feelings for (who was) my friend.

EDIT: Also, porn? Really? You think that's a dumpable offence? Heck, half of us wouldn't be able to date if that was such an issue.

I guess, I mean i dont think its right to say that you love one person, then sit there pleasing yourself because of another. I guess this one is just my view on pornography in a relationship.

He doesn't sound like he's the most virtuous of romantic prospects, it's true, but (and this relates to both of those points) sex and romantic feelings - while linked - do not always go hand in hand. Hence why some people can do casual or open relationships, or open marriages (for a while, at least) while still loving their partner deeply. And hence why some people can be in a sexual relationship with someone while still having feelings for someone else (usually someone that they know they can't have, or else they'd be with them instead).

As for porn, as much as it's nice to think that you can fulfil your partner's every sexual need, unless you are with them constantly and up for every kinky thing they desire there's a good chance they're going to need an alternative outlet now and then. I've never not looked at porn while in a relationship, even when I've been with guys I've absolutely adored, watching two people doin' it is just a dead easy way to get off when you're in the mood and alone.

By the way, I didn't mean to be mean in my last post. My own views about sex and relationships have become a lot more liberal since I was your age. When you're younger I think adults have a tendency to be trying to convince you that YOU SHOULD ONLY HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE YOU LOVE BECAUSE SEX IS PRECIOUS AND VALUABLE because they don't want you to make any silly mistakes, but unfortunately it means that when people then just want to go ahead and do what feels natural they get a lot of judgement brought down on them (hence why slut-shaming is so prevalent at that age).
I do think that the guy you're talking about sounds irresponsible but not evil enough for it to be inconceivable that the girl would forgive him for these things. I also think she's making a mistake because whatever his feelings are for her he doesn't seem to want to settle down (and who can blame him, really, he's pretty darn young), but it is only a minor mistake and one she will learn from, I hope. Unfortunately, we tend not to believe what people say about the people we care about until we see it for ourselves.*

*edit: and by 'see it' I mean to actually acknowledge it, not to just witness it happening through rose-tinted spectacles.

 

[laggyteabag]

I do think you sound like a bit of a Judgy McJudge-pants (he had sex with a girl when he was single for less than x amount of time? Oh noes! Teenagers aren't being completely faithful to each other? Whodathunkit!)

True, but I guess I have this idea in my head that you shouldn't have sex another girl a day after the break up, then claim that he still has feelings for (who was) my friend.

EDIT: Also, porn? Really? You think that's a dumpable offence? Heck, half of us wouldn't be able to date if that was such an issue.

I guess, I mean i dont think its right to say that you love one person, then sit there pleasing yourself because of another. I guess this one is just my view on pornography in a relationship.

He doesn't sound like he's the most virtuous of romantic prospects, it's true, but (and this relates to both of those points) sex and romantic feelings - while linked - do not always go hand in hand. Hence why some people can do casual or open relationships, or open marriages (for a while, at least) while still loving their partner deeply. And hence why some people can be in a sexual relationship with someone while still having feelings for someone else (usually someone that they know they can't have, or else they'd be with them instead).

As for porn, as much as it's nice to think that you can fulfil your partner's every sexual need, unless you are with them constantly and up for every kinky thing they desire there's a good chance they're going to need an alternative outlet now and then. I've never not looked at porn while in a relationship, even when I've been with guys I've absolutely adored, watching two people doin' it is just a dead easy way to get off when you're in the mood and alone.

By the way, I didn't mean to be mean in my last post. My own views about sex and relationships have become a lot more liberal since I was your age. When you're younger I think adults have a tendency to be trying to convince you that YOU SHOULD ONLY HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE YOU LOVE BECAUSE SEX IS PRECIOUS AND VALUABLE because they don't want you to make any silly mistakes, but unfortunately it means that when people then just want to go ahead and do what feels natural they get a lot of judgement brought down on them (hence why slut-shaming is so prevalent at that age).
I do think that the guy you're talking about sounds irresponsible but not evil enough for it to be inconceivable that the girl would forgive him for these things. I also think she's making a mistake because whatever his feelings are for her he doesn't seem to want to settle down (and who can blame him, really, he's pretty darn young), but it is only a minor mistake and one she will learn from, I hope. Unfortunately, we tend not to believe what people say about the people we care about until we see it for ourselves.*

*edit: and by 'see it' I mean to actually acknowledge it, not to just witness it happening through rose-tinted spectacles.

Well, you've given me a lot to think about, including my stance on the matter, and I sincerely thank you for your point of view.

Although It seems to be clear that no matter what I do or say will have an impact, which is why I said that I didn't want to involve myself in her problems as it seems that when she wants to do something, she WILL do it, as even her parents HATE the kid she's with, and they tell her on a daily basis that she's making a mistake, although I cant help but feel that the whole 'Forbidden Love' thing might just be a factor in the relationship, or maybe just me over thinking it.

A week ago when I was speaking to her, she admitted that he was a mistake, and she didn't know why she was with him in the first place. She even agreed with all of the things that myself, and all of her friends said. Yet, a couple of days later it all started again, and the so-called "promise" that she made seemed to just fall through.

 

[gazumped]

Although It seems to be clear that no matter what I do or say will have an impact, which is why I said that I didn't want to involve myself in her problems as it seems that when she wants to do something, she WILL do it, as even her parents HATE the kid she's with, and they tell her on a daily basis that she's making a mistake, although I cant help but feel that the whole 'Forbidden Love' thing might just be a factor in the relationship, or maybe just me over thinking it.

A week ago when I was speaking to her, she admitted that he was a mistake, and she didn't know why she was with him in the first place. She even agreed with all of the things that myself, and all of her friends said. Yet, a couple of days later it all started again, and the so-called "promise" that she made seemed to just fall through.

The 'Forbidden Love' thing can indeed be a tempting force, it wouldn't surprise me if that's a big factor. Her parents warning her to stay away is probably, ironically, making him more appealing to her - people often feel compelled to do the opposite of what they're told (especially by parents unless they've got a super good relationship with them) and she may well have a bit of a 'I'll prove everyone wrong about us!' thing going on. It's good that she's starting to get it, though. She might not have managed to get herself completely out of the cycle but it sounds like her eyes are opening to him not really being worth it. Hopefully she will soon just get sick of the whole silly thing and walk away for good. She may need something to distract herself from him, though, and if there are no other guys in her life it may be making it more difficult because he is the complete focus of her attention.

Although, as you say, there's little point in you trying to get involved (unless you have a willing kid on hand to go be the rebound and take her mind off of him) and it sounds like she's not willing to discuss it with you further anyway. But there's some more thoughts on the matter, anyhow.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Do what you want, it's totally up to you who you associate with and if you don't want to hear about her life and her issues any more then no one's forcing you to.

I do think you sound like a bit of a Judgy McJudge-pants (he had sex with a girl when he was single for less than x amount of time? Oh noes! Teenagers aren't being completely faithful to each other? Whodathunkit!) but then I am in my twenties now and I've seen enough of this kind of thing happening to know that it's really not a big deal and so long as everything is completely consensual and she protects herself from STDs and pregnancy (and doesn't get breast cancer from being punched in the boob by your friend) then her choices aren't going to ruin her life and are, quite frankly, her own business.

But yeah, if you don't want to be dealing with it, then don't. Just so long as this isn't some kind of 'punishment' for her making her own mistakes that don't even affect you, really.

EDIT: Also, porn? Really? You think that's a dumpable offence? Heck, half of us wouldn't be able to date if that was such an issue.

There's really not much more to add than this. His 'high' excuse is pure shit though, it's like something out of Reefer Madness.

I understand you might be exasperated at her making foolish choices, but do you really have to have nothing to do with her? Is it not possible to still be friends and just not talk about her love life? My friends have dated people I thought were pretty terrible news, hell, I've people that my friends thought were bad news, but we were still friends through it, we just tried not to mix the two.

 

[laggyteabag]

Although, as you say, there's little point in you trying to get involved (unless you have a willing kid on hand to go be the rebound and take her mind off of him) and it sounds like she's not willing to discuss it with you further anyway. But there's some more thoughts on the matter, anyhow.

As much as it sucks to say it, I was that guy, and EVERYBODY expected us to get together, but maybe because of that, (much like the opposite to the 'Forbidden Love') It may have drove her to look for new people, hence this guy.

 

[laggyteabag]

There's really not much more to add than this. His 'high' excuse is pure shit though, it's like something out of Reefer Madness.

I understand you might be exasperated at her making foolish choices, but do you really have to have nothing to do with her? Is it not possible to still be friends and just not talk about her love life? My friends have dated people I thought were pretty terrible news, hell, I've people that my friends thought were bad news, but we were still friends through it, we just tried not to mix the two.

Yes, it is a BS excuse, but he stands by it saying that he cant remember a thing, and he didnt know what he was doing, even she knows it isnt true, but she took him back nonetheless.

I dont know, I could have been a bit kinder about the whole thing, but long story short, I hate him, and he hates me. Last time this happened there was another fallout between myself and her because of it. And while I would like to stay friends with her, she pretty much becomes an entirely different person around him.

 

[gazumped]

Although, as you say, there's little point in you trying to get involved (unless you have a willing kid on hand to go be the rebound and take her mind off of him) and it sounds like she's not willing to discuss it with you further anyway. But there's some more thoughts on the matter, anyhow.

As much as it sucks to say it, I was that guy, and EVERYBODY expected us to get together, but maybe because of that, (much like the opposite to the 'Forbidden Love') It may have drove her to look for new people, hence this guy.

Sorry to hear that, man. Indeed, pressure/expectation to get together with you may well have put her off of it. No wonder you don't want to be caught up in the resulting drama!

 

[Legion]

Thing is, I don't know if I'm in the right or not for just saying "I'm out", so I just thought that I would bring my problems on here, and ask you guys.

There is no right and wrong in something like this.

Are her relationship problems causing you issues? Are they making time spent with her unpleasant? Is it affecting your life negatively?

If yes to any of these, then you if you feel that you'd be better off not being friends with her, then who is to say otherwise?

Friendships are mutual, and respect goes both ways. I am not referring to her relationship, as she can go out with whoever she likes, but by constantly bringing you into the drama (at least it sounds that way from the way you worded it), she is causing you hassle, and that is not respectful of your feelings.

 

[laggyteabag]

Are her relationship problems causing you issues? Are they making time spent with her unpleasant? Is it affecting your life negatively?

If yes to any of these, then you if you feel that you'd be better off not being friends with her, then who is to say otherwise?

Friendships are mutual, and respect goes both ways. I am not referring to her relationship, as she can go out with whoever she likes, but by constantly bringing you into the drama (at least it sounds that way from the way you worded it), she is causing you hassle, and that is not respectful of your feelings.

Pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one. I seem to be the "go to" for advice, and it seems to work me up a little. I've had my fair share of break-downs (There were tears and everything!) working myself up over trying to help her that I decided that I just wanted to sit this one out until she had sorted it out herself.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

Apparently her "relationship" with "the kid" is causing you considerable amounts of stress, seeing as you are the one she turns to in distress, asking for you to consolidate her, which, as far as my experience is anything to go by, is not a pleasant experience.
So I would venture that your personal well-being and emotional state is more important than her stupid desire to make the same mistke over and over again, especially if you have warned her several times already.
Yes, love makes you do stupid things, strange things, insane things even, but you should strive not to cause distress to those you care about.

 

[Psykoma]

Thing is, I don't know if I'm in the right or not for just saying "I'm out", so I just thought that I would bring my problems on here, and ask you guys.

Except you didn't "just" say "I'm out".
If she tells you that's what it feels like to her, she's just being ridiculously melodramatic.

You told her your feelings, giving her advance warning of what the consequences to your friendship would be if she got back together with him. You told her all that at a point in time when she could still choose either outcome.

It sucks to realize it, but you did not just say "I'm out", she just said "You're out".


Also, more light-hearted:

Also, its worth noting that she has caught him watching Porn countless times

Very normal.

and he would go out of his way to have sex with her

Extreeemely normal

(He would also gloat about it to his friends)

Pretty douchy, but sadly all too often normal in the teen years.

 

[Crenelate]

You sound so young 0.o like the others said, who you associate with is your choice, though what she does with her life is hers. You probably could have handled it a little bit better.