Poll: Could you stay with someone who hates what you're passionate for?

[Riki Darnell]

So, the guy I'm with (for about 2 years) is pretty much my idea for the perfect guy. We share the same dark humor and enjoy playing lots of video games together. We match pretty well not on just small stuff but on deeper levels, too. But, one thing has always bothered me...I can't talk to him about what I'm passionate about. Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science. I'm always watching the History or Science channel and buying new books on the subjects. If I bring any of that stuff up around him or ask him any "what if" questions he just gets annoyed. If we start talking about it, it ends up into more of an argument with him saying all that stuff is stupid and irrelevant, because it's not helping society in any way and just tells me I'm wrong and dismisses me. I'm not upset that he doesn't like it, I'm upset because I feel disrespected. When he tells me stories from work or something he read online, even if I don't care what it's about, I still listen to him and don't just go "that's dumb" and walk off.

So if you really loved sports, art, working out, etc., and your partner hated it and didn't want to hear or talk about it could you stay in that relationship long term?

(I didn't add a "maybe" because I wanted this to be a strictly yes or no answer. I didn't want anyone going "depends on what it is" cuase I'm saying, imagine something MAJOR in your life you couldn't share or talk about with your partner)

 

[tippy2k2]

Do they want nothing to do with it or will they actively attempt to stop you from pursuing it?

If it's live and let live, go with it. If they want to stop you from your passion, you won't be happy and you'll resent them for it, which will poison the relationship and kill it anyway.

 

[Suicidejim]

My girlfriend loves horses. I do not like horses. I have tried to educate myself on them and develop enthusiasm for them, but . . . no, it just doesn't work. Yet we still seem to be doing fine.

Although, that said, I do listen and understand her passion, and will do my best to reply with what little knowledge I have when she gets all carried away, and I think she recognizes the effort, which does make a huge difference.

Personally, I think I could function in a relationship where my partner didn't share my passions, although she'd certainly have to make up that ground in other areas. If I really needed to talk to people about stuff I cared about, like games, I'd either save it for friends or find somewhere online where I could satisfy that need (like this very forum, in fact).

It looks to me like the issue isn't so much the fact that your boyfriend doesn't share your passions, but the way in which he expresses it. He shouldn't necessarily start to love your interests, but at least show a small amount of interest, or make an effort to understand. I think this is more of a communication issue between the two of you. Also, especially with the subjects that you brought up, it's possible that you might be making him feel a little dumb when discussing this stuff, since not many people are experts on existentialism and/or extraterrestrial science, and it can be hard stuff to get your head around. Of course, I'm no relationship expert, that's just my first impression on the matter.

 

[HardkorSB]

So, the guy I'm with (for about 2 years) is pretty much my idea for the perfect guy.

That's nice.

I can't talk to him about what I'm passionate about. Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science. I'm always watching the History or Science channel and buying new books on the subjects. If I bring any of that stuff up around him or ask him any "what if" questions he just gets annoyed. If we start talking about it, it ends up into more of an argument with him saying all that stuff is stupid and irrelevant, because it's not helping society in any way and just tells me I'm wrong and dismisses me. I'm not upset that he doesn't like it, I'm upset because I feel disrespected.

Sorry to knit pick but does this also fit your idea for the perfect guy?

People show their true selves when doing the things they love. Their deepest emotions come out, the most beautiful aspects of their beings.
To disrespect that part of a person is equal to taking a piss on their soul. "Yeah, I love you but keep your stupid bull shit to yourself". That's not love.
This quote comes to mind:
"Love isn't about looking at each other, it's about looking in the same direction".

Don't take it personal but in the long run, I don't think it will last.

Feel free to disagree, of course.

 

[Vault101]

Do they want nothing to do with it or will they actively attempt to stop you from pursuing it?

If it's live and let live, go with it. If they want to stop you from your passion, you won't be happy and you'll resent them for it, which will poison the relationship and kill it anyway.

agreed

like in those movies where the guy jsut wants to do crazy fun things and the women wants him to do things like "raise a familiy" and take away all of his cool stuff and replace it with stupid stuff...

....I look at that and I'm like "I" am the guy, why is this ***** taking away his videogames? women like fun things too dammit!!


uhh...anyway off topic but

WHY is ME3 ending discussion spilling over into off-topic? dammit escapist, I had managed to remain blissfully ignorant thus far and you had to go ruin it for me...*grumble*

 

[tippy2k2]

Do they want nothing to do with it or will they actively attempt to stop you from pursuing it?

If it's live and let live, go with it. If they want to stop you from your passion, you won't be happy and you'll resent them for it, which will poison the relationship and kill it anyway.

WHY is ME3 ending discussion spilling over into off-topic? dammit escapist, I had managed to remain blissfully ignorant thus far and you had to go ruin it for me...*grumble*

Sweet zombie Jesus, are you serious!?!?

This has been the only place I could go without fearing some ass-hat is going to ruin ME3 with his poorly worded thread title and now I can't?!?!

...shit, I just de-railed the thread a bit, give me a second to re-align...

OH! Another piece of advice here. This is going to sound mean but...well....I don't know what I could say to make it sound less mean so I'm just going to say it and hope you don't hold it against me:

Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science.

That sounds REALLY boring...told you it was going to sound mean.

I mean, one is a philosophy and the other will fly right above a person's head if they don't also study it. I'm thinking it's going to be difficult for you to find ANYONE that will find both of those things interesting, has other similar interests (I assume these two aren't the only things you enjoy) and is someone that you would consider dating.

I stand by my previous statement: If he does not actively discourage you from pursuing your hobbies, stick with it and see what happens.

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

In relevance to Riki Darnell's relationship, I could probably be in a long term relationship with someone who would hate something that I am passionate about. I enjoy running and math (doing it, not really discussing it) and if someone I'm with hates it, I'll just enjoy it when they are not around.

It's a simple solution.

 

[OmniscientOstrich]

If they have the common curteousy to leave me to it and not be a total beleaguering asshat about it then it shouldn't matter. I mean we're both theoretically adults so we should be able to have differing tastes without devolving into personal attacks. The key word being should I've been on the Interwebz long enough to know how petty some people can be over this shit.

 

[Vault101]

[snip.

I havnt had any REAL spoilers

but the fact is now I know everyones raging over one "thing" then its enough to distract me and ruin my enjoyment of the game

 

[Amethyst Wind]

-snip-

You've been with this guy for two years. This hasn't come up before? Or has it but it's starting to really bother you now more than it did? Okay I doublechecked your post and it has happened before.

Honestly, the fact that he still reacts so negatively after two years is a bad sign. This is an issue that can be solved relatively easily but hasn't been and doesn't seem like it's going to be because he's not putting the effort in.

You really need to talk to him about it because I don't think the situation is a good one to continue as you are. These are things you care about and the guy you're seeing is saying they are pointless.

 

[Averant]

So, the guy I'm with (for about 2 years) is pretty much my idea for the perfect guy. We share the same dark humor and enjoy playing lots of video games together. We match pretty well not on just small stuff but on deeper levels, too. But, one thing has always bothered me...I can't talk to him about what I'm passionate about. Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science. I'm always watching the History or Science channel and buying new books on the subjects.

...Marry me? XD

Finding anyone to talk about philosophy in general is hard enough. To talk about existentialism specifically? Damn near impossible. AND space science, AND video games? There's only one girl I know who likes even half that (the former), and she's already taken.

*sigh*

But yes, if he actively dismisses what you love, then it probably won't work out well. Especially if it's been going on for two years. I'm very sorry.

 

[Dr. Pepper Unlimited]

In short, no. I'm not and do not need to settle for being with someone that openly hates something I love. If they did, they clearly are not for me and we shouldn't be together. I'm quite positive I could find someone that is on a better footing with what I enjoy in life - life's too short for settling.

 

[chadachada123]

My only thing is, why the fuck doesn't he like space-related science? To say that that doesn't "contribute" to humanity is asinine at best.

Space is the only thing that can ensure humanity's long-term survival, and is extremely fucking interesting.

I couldn't have a long-term relationship with someone that wasn't at least open to talking about mature topics.

 

[applesandoranges]

edit

 

[DeltaEdge]

I don't think that I could. Once the "love" or infatuation wears off, in the long term I would prefer to be with someone who shares and respects my interests rather than someone who totally dislikes and possibly disrespects what I love. That might not be the degree of which you speak of, but I don't want to be with a polar opposite in a long term relationship. If my girlfriend (I wish) not only disliked drawing and animation, but actively shunned it and tried to discourage me from doing it, I think that's all we would be, boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

[requisitename]

No.

I tried.

It made me miserable that I couldn't talk about what truly interests me without it turning into a fight every. single. time. It's just more than I'm willing to put up with no matter how good the relationship may be otherwise.

 

[Riki Darnell]

...Marry me? XD

Finding anyone to talk about philosophy in general is hard enough. To talk about existentialism specifically? Damn near impossible. AND space science, AND video games? There's only one girl I know who likes even half that (the former), and she's already taken.

*sigh*

But yes, if he actively dismisses what you love, then it probably won't work out well. Especially if it's been going on for two years. I'm very sorry.

I'm flattered lol Yeah, I go to forums and such but it's not really the same as sitting down, having a few drinks and talking about that stuff in person. It just seems like a waste tho, being with someone for 2 years and saying "nah I don't think it will work".

 

[Averant]

...Marry me? XD

Finding anyone to talk about philosophy in general is hard enough. To talk about existentialism specifically? Damn near impossible. AND space science, AND video games? There's only one girl I know who likes even half that (the former), and she's already taken.

*sigh*

But yes, if he actively dismisses what you love, then it probably won't work out well. Especially if it's been going on for two years. I'm very sorry.

I'm flattered lol Yeah, I go to forums and such but it's not really the same as sitting down, having a few drinks and talking about that stuff in person. It just seems like a waste tho, being with someone for 2 years and saying "nah I don't think it will work".

Not so. You spent wonderful time with a wonderful person, and that will be a valuable part of your life to remember. The problem is that he's just not interested in what you do. Actually, the fact that he's so dismissive of it makes me curious about how long you two have stayed together. It can't have come up many times if it's been two years. Otherwise, you've got saintly patience.

Like I said, you spent wonderful time with a wonderful person. Tell him so, and then explain why it can't work out. Two years is about the proper extent of a good, but mismatched relationship (but don't take my word for it. No, seriously. Don't. Get multiple opinions, preferably friends.) before it turns sour. My advice would be to break it off with good memories, then go find someone who shares your interests, or is at least receptive of them.