Poll: Do you forgive and move on or dwell?
- Thread starter Bamba
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Where's the option for "No, I will hate them forever" option? Not that that's what I'd vote on, I just noticed that there's an extreme forgiveness option but no extreme dwell option.Bamba said:
Also - Bamba, are you trying to take over the world? Or at least the Escapist? You seem to be profiling us.
If somebody does bad things to you, then it is only common sense that they may do it again. Thus, I tend towards never quite forgiving people, especially if what they did revealed something about their character, something bad, something that marks them as a despicable person.
I see it as pretty simple. You try to hurt me or fuck with my life, you're my enemy. Simple as. Doubly so if you attempt to lie about it as if I'm stupid enough to believe you.
Secondly, too many people take forgiveness as a solve-all, end-all solution. Like they never did anything wrong in the first place. Sometimes, I don't think someone's my enemy, but I still don't say I forgive them. If I did, then they'd never learn.
I see it as pretty simple. You try to hurt me or fuck with my life, you're my enemy. Simple as. Doubly so if you attempt to lie about it as if I'm stupid enough to believe you.
Secondly, too many people take forgiveness as a solve-all, end-all solution. Like they never did anything wrong in the first place. Sometimes, I don't think someone's my enemy, but I still don't say I forgive them. If I did, then they'd never learn.
I usually let it go unless they're on a mission to really piss me off. If they somehow succeed, people sure have found a way to get me INSANELY pissed. Grudges are petty, and most people just aim to get a reaction out of me, not actually criticize, which is what I'd like.
Vindication is a great feeling. More people should seek it for affonts against them - within reason and in a manner compareable to the affront.Candidus said:
I'm easy to anger and hard to calm but after I had my initial rage at whatever someone did to me (the rage could end violently often sadly) I usually just stop caring. My emotions are strong but very short lived and I mostly don't bother wasting time or energy on grudges. Only person I have a grudge on is my dad because reasons but other than him I don't hold anything against anyone who has ever wronged me.
I wouldn't say I forgive, I just stop caring and go "Fuck it." and continue with my life.
I wouldn't say I forgive, I just stop caring and go "Fuck it." and continue with my life.
If it was serious enough that I actually cared enough to do something about it, I'd probably drop everything and pursue the matter until I felt the issue was resolved to my satisfaction. Then I'd forgive and forget.
But hardly anything like that ever happens, so most of the time it's immediate forgiveness. And if I wasn't able to resolve things in a fairly short amount of time, it'd probably feel like a waste of time after a point.
But if it really got under my skin, then it would be a problem. I tend to get my priorities mixed up when 'revenge' is added to the mix.
But hardly anything like that ever happens, so most of the time it's immediate forgiveness. And if I wasn't able to resolve things in a fairly short amount of time, it'd probably feel like a waste of time after a point.
But if it really got under my skin, then it would be a problem. I tend to get my priorities mixed up when 'revenge' is added to the mix.
I agree. While the passion for revenge is indeed toxic, I'm addicted to the feeling of vindication. I've buried people (figuratively), and spoken down to them when they've hurt me then come to me with a problem.Abomination said:
Last year, the first girl to break my heart came to me lamenting that she'd been used, abused and been through some pretty serious shit since, climaxing in being trapped in a meth house as a slave to her 'boyfriend' and his cooks. She asked where her life had gone so wrong:
"When you walked away from me."
I don't know or care where she is now.
But what I'm most proud of is after my father died, I used my inheritance to go on the warpath against his gold-digging ex-girlfriend (long story; emotional abuse, attempted murder, blackmail) and ended up getting her cars re-possessed and house foreclosed on. She's got literally nothing, now.
But really, success is the best revenge. I've looked up people who made my childhood and school years miserable, and they're either dead or living on the poverty margin, or at least their dreams have been crushed.
Meanwhile I'm a millionaire at 25 and doing exactly the work I've always dreamed of.
It's not enough that I'm happy. They should fail.
There is only one person that has wronged me and I have not forgiven. It was my ex, who last fall, broke up with me via text. Because we never see each other. Ironically, we live 5 minutes from each other. The reason we hadn't seen each other? Because for about 2 months, every time I would invite her over, she would cancel on me literally minutes before I picked her up. Right before the break up, I canceled on her once, a day in advance, and made the offer to go out the next day. A month after the break up, she text-ed me again after catching glimpses of me at a football game, and tried to paint herself as the victim. Even if she was, even if there's something that I can't see from my point of view, she broke up with me via text. We live 5 minutes away. She has a fucking car. I could see no reason to not at least try and break up to me face to face. Not even a fucking phone call. And its not like I met her and started dating a couple months ago. We knew each other for 7 god-damn years, we where best friends for all of that, and I don't even get a breakup call. Fuck that. I put up and moved on from to much shit for this relation to forgive this.
Sorry to go on a rant there, but this has been building up for the past couple of months. And my mind keeps telling me to forgive her. And I have to keep convincing myself that I really shouldn't. But yeah. Everyone else, I've forgiven.
Sorry to go on a rant there, but this has been building up for the past couple of months. And my mind keeps telling me to forgive her. And I have to keep convincing myself that I really shouldn't. But yeah. Everyone else, I've forgiven.
Nah, I forgive easily. There's already enough bullshit in the world without bringing in lasting grudges. I'm also a big believer in that anyone can change their ways, be that a bully or a rapist and anything in between. So I don't draw out hatred for someone who wronged me once or twice.
I used to held on a grudge on a classmate back in elementary school, I held up on that grudge whenever I could, until he simply changed to a new school. Back then it was pretty easy to hate and never forget, but now I try to look at my past-self and I think it was petty back then, I've learned to forgive and move along (although in this case, I should apologize...), only then, I can be happy.
Guys. Would it change anything to you if the person apologized for what they've done to you? Because, personally, I think it would change a lot for me. I dont know if I'd forgive them immediately after they apologized, but it'd definitely change a lot in terms of how I think about them.....
So guys. Tell me pliz. Does apology change anything to you?
So guys. Tell me pliz. Does apology change anything to you?
I'm generally a nice person and I tend to always forgive, apology or not. But that doesn't mean I won't forget.
If the said person is a douche bag I will NEVER forget, possibly use that against them if they try to use or insult me, and with that BAM a quick and easy revenge without the grudge.
One time one of the biggest douches at my school was with me when I was buying a ticket to Winter Formal. Said to my face in a sarcastic snark "You're not going to Winter Formal." The comment didn't phase me (I've been insulted WORSE then that in my lifetime), but I sure as hell didn't forget. It was a Sadie Hawkens themed dance and what do you know! I get asked by a girl 3 months before I even get my ticket! I then proceed to post the pictures of her and I with a quote: "You're not going to Winter Formal." With his name quoting it. He hasn't dared tried to insult me to this day.
The moral: Forgive but don't forget, then use it as a weapon for ultimate satisfaction.
If the said person is a douche bag I will NEVER forget, possibly use that against them if they try to use or insult me, and with that BAM a quick and easy revenge without the grudge.
One time one of the biggest douches at my school was with me when I was buying a ticket to Winter Formal. Said to my face in a sarcastic snark "You're not going to Winter Formal." The comment didn't phase me (I've been insulted WORSE then that in my lifetime), but I sure as hell didn't forget. It was a Sadie Hawkens themed dance and what do you know! I get asked by a girl 3 months before I even get my ticket! I then proceed to post the pictures of her and I with a quote: "You're not going to Winter Formal." With his name quoting it. He hasn't dared tried to insult me to this day.
The moral: Forgive but don't forget, then use it as a weapon for ultimate satisfaction.
In any serious case, no. Because getting revenge isn't about making them sorry, it's about purifying me. It's about releasing the hatred and unhappiness generated by what was done to me at the person(s) responsible, so that I can continue to live an ordinary life and treat unrelated persons with civility (which I could not do otherwise).Bamba said:
"Justice has only been done when the victim has been returned, as near as possible, to their state prior to the crime."
Candidus. Just now in this thread. And no doubt others, at other times.
It's up to the victim how he or she gets there. It's not up to the state or your peers to take proportional retribution off the table, or to be the arbiter(s) of retribution via courts imo.
I should note; I'm not talking about breakups. I've read some of the prior comments, and I'm not in line with them at all. I'm talking about bullying, assault, rape, racism, destruction of belongings and so on.