Poll: Dumped a girl. Help? Please?

[Sunrider]

Surely you did the right thing? You didn't cheat and you ended it before you went on to do something else.

Sure, she won't be happy but at least you were up front about it.

A thousand times this. Honesty is pretty much the best way to go at all times. Finding out that you were lied to from someone else or afterwards is many times worse.

the proper course of action would have been to check and see if she was up for a 3some first... you never know unless you ask

We tried that with my fiancee's best friend... best weekend ever.

While I don't like doing so most of the time, it feels necessary here. High five, man! Pretty much the best thing that can happen that has nothing to do with the love and affection given by cats!

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

You essentially told your ex that you dumped her for someone else, that's got to burn. There's nothing wrong with actually leaving her because you like someone else, but you could probably have handled that last bit better.

Trust me, having someone dump you for someone else, feels better than being dumped just because, and then seeing them not going out with ANYONE for months before finding a new fling.
That hurts more.

To the OP: Dude, you've done nothing wrong, if it was that easy to choose someone else over her it would have NEVER and I repeat NEVER worked out between you, ending it for any reason, is completely acceptable, and the fact that you already have someone else to be with out of the deal makes it better for you. Now, from what you've said, it sounds like your ex is a major drama queen and has gotten her friends convinced that you are a monster, this will wear off eventually, when you continue being a decent guy and they see it, they'll have less and less justification to hold their view and it will crumble, it'll just take some time.

Good on ya for not being a pussy, ending stuff can be hard, but you did it, and you moved on, this is a GOOD and HEALTHY thing, feel proud of yourself.

 

[Guffe]

At least you said straight forward why you did it!
Better this way is how I see it, being with someone and not liking it won't be good for neither of you, her friends are ignorant even thou I think I know why they think the way they do. Don't mind it. This happens all the time.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

I can't answer either way. First, you probably hurt her, and that's a bad thing. Second, you left her solely for someone prettier. Rebuttal to point 2: that's not necessarily a bad thing if no one was hurt.Third, no one can say what you did was "right." At best, what you did was morally gray.

Now, since this is a forum, my personal bias. You do not specify if sex was involved, but it can be assumed. That being said, I find it morally repugnant when someone is just fine with casually leaving someone you convinced to give you the most personal thing that can be given.

I say I cannot decide simply because I acknowledge I don't have the whole story.

Except that that "hurt" is something that you hafta get over if you want to live a productive life in today's society, I can't tell you how many bad relationships I've been in in the last while, and I can tell you, if I hadn't been REALLY BADLY burned the first time, I'd probably not be able to get over it so fast/easy.

Sex... Well it's not so personal later on in life, least not to most people, so I wouldn't count that against him, she could very well end up totally slutting it up and fucking everything with a dick later, this has been known to happen... To a LOT of young women, generally it's a call for attention, sometimes triggered by a breakup as a kinda rebound-action-band-aid-thing...

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

Who cares if what you did was right. You should do what you wanted to do, not what you thought was right. Lying to yourself about what you want to do is the worst way to approach relationships.

Her friends are obliged to hate you for dumping her, especially at your age.

 

[Naeras]

From the sound of it, you're simply being honest. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Of course, I don't have the whole story, but if you're more happy with your new girl, there's absolutely no reason why you should have stayed with the old one. Making yourself miserable in order to avoid getting badmouthed is far worse than others trying to make you feel miserable.

Also? If your ex and their friends are acting like bitches now, it's because they probably are. Just ignore them and enjoy the new girl.





edit:
Also, a question to the people who say "you could've handled this better": can I ask how? Unless that's a long-distance relationship thing or anything he can flat-out keep secret(which it really didn't sound like it was, considering his old girl knew who this was), what could he have done?

 

[smithy_2045]

edit:
Also, a question to the people who say "you could've handled this better": can I ask how? Unless that's a long-distance relationship thing or anything he can flat-out keep secret(which it really didn't sound like it was, considering his old girl knew who this was), what could he have done?

IMO, dumping someone and immediately getting into a relationship with someone else isn't cool. That's what it boils down to for me.

 

[Naeras]

edit:
Also, a question to the people who say "you could've handled this better": can I ask how? Unless that's a long-distance relationship thing or anything he can flat-out keep secret(which it really didn't sound like it was, considering his old girl knew who this was), what could he have done?

IMO, dumping someone and immediately getting into a relationship with someone else isn't cool. That's what it boils down to for me.

As opposed to staying in a relationship you don't want to be in?

Or opposed to dumping her without giving her a reason, waiting for your ex to get over you(which can take a long time), and then getting together with the person you specifically dumped your girlfriend for?

Or to plainly cheating?

That's the only other solutions I see. The first one is something nobody with a sliver of self-respect should ever do to themselves. The second one will probably cause you to lose both girls, thus you end up shooting yourself in the foot. The third one is self-explanatory why you shouldn't do.
Again, what other solutions are there?

 

[hawkinsssable]

@Naeras: Oh look, a neat little row of 3 strawmen. How about this (which is just a reasonable version of option 2): figure out exactly what was wrong with the relationship before breaking up and maybe talk about that, then give a respectful period of time before moving on to girl B.

If you're actively looking for - or even just notice - 'a better partner', there's something wrong with your relationship. Simply put, relationships don't work if you're willing to upgrade. If you want to give an honest reason for breaking up, engage in a bit of introspection and come up with something less superficial and less harsh than "sorry, but girl B is better." Hell, if you're having difficulty, the internet can tell you how to do it. [http://www.ehow.com/how_4900975_break-up-someone-care.html]

As for the right period of time to wait between relationships - iunno. But nobody here said "until your ex gets over you." And it's hardly going to destroy your fledgling relationship with Girl B to say "I just ended my 5-month relationship, give me a tiny bit of time, to get my head around it."

 

[mortalsatsuma]

Oh yeah sure, she would get her friends to hate you, say you're an evil bastard etc, that's fair enough; I mean okay no one likes getting dumped especially for another person. However you did the right thing by 1. telling her before hand and 2. not just continuing on in a relationship you were obviously not content with. It takes at least some balls and you did the right thing. Sure you may feel like an arse for a bit but meh, who cares. That's just life.

 

[Nieroshai]

I can't answer either way. First, you probably hurt her, and that's a bad thing. Second, you left her solely for someone prettier. Rebuttal to point 2: that's not necessarily a bad thing if no one was hurt.Third, no one can say what you did was "right." At best, what you did was morally gray.

Now, since this is a forum, my personal bias. You do not specify if sex was involved, but it can be assumed. That being said, I find it morally repugnant when someone is just fine with casually leaving someone you convinced to give you the most personal thing that can be given.

I say I cannot decide simply because I acknowledge I don't have the whole story.

Except that that "hurt" is something that you hafta get over if you want to live a productive life in today's society, I can't tell you how many bad relationships I've been in in the last while, and I can tell you, if I hadn't been REALLY BADLY burned the first time, I'd probably not be able to get over it so fast/easy.

Sex... Well it's not so personal later on in life, least not to most people, so I wouldn't count that against him, she could very well end up totally slutting it up and fucking everything with a dick later, this has been known to happen... To a LOT of young women, generally it's a call for attention, sometimes triggered by a breakup as a kinda rebound-action-band-aid-thing...

Your attempts to dodge this by saying it isn't so bad ignore some things. First, since when is causing harm a good thing? Yes people should get over being hurt, but that doesn't make it right to hurt people. If this excuse was viable, it would be perfectly legal to go around punching people. They'll get better. Second, your opinions of sex are just that: opinion. Likely, "she" believed sex was just between them and felt used. You are ignoring her needs and wants in every aspect of this, saying basically that she should suck it up and would benefit from becoming a slut. What about her feelings here? She probably feels deeply violated!

 

[Nieroshai]

I can't answer either way. First, you probably hurt her, and that's a bad thing.

So he should have just stayed with her? No the bad thing to do in a relationship you're not happy in is not end it.

Second, you left her solely for someone prettier.

There's gonna be a lot of you just making stuff up here isn't there? Didn't he say he was happier with the other person? In fact he never mentioned looks, at all. He said he was more attracted to her. Attraction is more than just looks.

Now, since this is a forum, my personal bias. You do not specify if sex was involved, but it can be assumed.

...Can it? How?

That being said, I find it morally repugnant when someone is just fine with casually leaving someone you convinced

Wait now, even if they did have sex who said he convinced her? Women have a say in that. She might even have convinced him.

to give you the most personal thing that can be given.

Sex? Sex isn't the most personal thing. The key difference between a one night stand and a relationship is that in a relationship I'll get to know someone. They'll let me into their lives and share a big piece of themselves with me. With a one night stand I'll never lie there holding them and open up to them. Sex is just a physical act that humans and humans alone have put any weight on.

You done trashing me, or are you going to think about what I said? In my clearly announced personal opinion on relationships?

First, no he shouldn't have stayed just to make her happy, but dumping someone for a better model seems very shallow, especially when his post made it sound like she was just hotter than the old one.
Second, once again, the first thing he even thought to mention was that she was better-looking, and he gave the impression that it was her being hotter that made him happier.
Third, I assume sex is involved because in this decade how can it not? Especially when leaving for someone hotter is a thing? If your girlfriend ever says she wants to see other people, she's already riding a new horse, or else already has a saddle out of the barn.
On this next point, I SPECIFICALLY made it a separate section. Your copy-pasting of my post hides this. My personal opinion is that unless it is agreed in the relationship that sex is a casual thing to her(which for most women it isn't) he violated her trust by deciding she wasn't a good enough mate. And you make a point that only humans care about sex as if that should mean anything. The fact remains that it does mean something, whether you think it should or not. AS I SAID, I don't have the whole story, but I personally feel from the information given that this could've been handled better and that the OP is shallow and had no problem hurting a girl to satisfy his wants. Do whatever you want, I say, but NEVER hurt anyone to do it, unless someone will DIE otherwise.

 

[Nieroshai]

First, you probably hurt her, and that's a bad thing.

Why is that bad? People get hurt, it happens. Someone else is usually the cause of that, it happens. It's not like he's doing it out of some sick form of enjoyment or anything like that.

Should he have stayed with her then even though he didn't want to?

There's the hurts we can avoid and the hurts we can't. This is a hurt that couldn't be avoided, it's not a bad thing. It's just part of life.

Second, you left her solely for someone prettier. Rebuttal to point 2: that's not necessarily a bad thing if no one was hurt.

He didn't.

I was just more attracted to her, and generally happier when I was with her.

He left her for someone he was more attracted to (which need not be, and usually isn't, based solely on looks) and who made him happier (which rarely is based solely on looks).

Third, no one can say what you did was "right." At best, what you did was morally gray.

What he did was perfectly morally white.

He was honest, true to himself and respectful as can be to all parties involved. He's also still in school and thus likely young and inexperienced.

Now, since this is a forum, my personal bias. You do not specify if sex was involved, but it can be assumed. That being said, I find it morally repugnant when someone is just fine with casually leaving someone you convinced to give you the most personal thing that can be given.

I say I cannot decide simply because I acknowledge I don't have the whole story.

Sex is hardly the most personal thing that can be given.

Sex is whatever the two parties involved want it to be. If they both want it to be a casual thing then that's what it is. If they both want it to be the most personal thing that can be given then that's what it is. You do not get to decide what role sex takes in another person's life.

Yes, yes, hurting someone is always a bad thing! How is it ever not? It is only ever relatively a good thing if it prevents worse harm. It's funny how everyone who quotes me sides with him, utterly ignoring her. This cannot be morally white because HE HURT SOMEONE! Unless she was fine with it, WHICH WAS NEVER STATED. I'm not saying he's supposed to be stapled to her permanently, I'm saying his entire post makes him sound shallow and unafraid to just discard people who care about him. As for my opinions on sex, especially since I said that it's a personal philosophy, why is it necessary for three different posters to specifically call me out on it? Let me rephrase then: in a loving relationship that puts people first above orgasms, sex is one of the most personal gifts a couple can give to each other. Unless the couple agrees that sex is casual, it is not casual. Funny how I state my personal opinion and you spin it like I want the rest of the world to be that way. It WAS an OBSERVATION on HOW I HAVE SEEN SEX WORK WHETHER PEOPLE WANT IT TO OR NOT. People commit suicide because they've been cheated on, how is it not one of the biggest gifts a human can give? Sex is tied deeply with trust, cheating or leaving for someone else deeplyy violates trust to the point where people would rather DIE. Not my opinion solely, my opinion on how the world has worked since humans have written things down. Sexual fidelity matters to people.

 

[Vegosiux]

So much ado over a "relationship" that lasted...about four months? No offense, but either I'm being old and cynical, or I don't see just what the problem is.

 

[ablac]

One quick thing I misread the question and answered no instead of yes though im kind of no. I think you should have spared her the truth and not make it clear that you were leaving for someone else rather say it wasnt working then make you and the new girl public a few weeks later so emotions arent as raw and theres less hurt. Unfortunately things havent gone well but not as bad as could be expected and you were honest rather than dragging out something not working and your ex is better off not with you if you dont feel the same way, you wouldnt be able to do her feelings justic eby matching them.

 

[Hagi]

Yes, yes, hurting someone is always a bad thing! How is it ever not? It is only ever relatively a good thing if it prevents worse harm. It's funny how everyone who quotes me sides with him, utterly ignoring her. This cannot be morally white because HE HURT SOMEONE! Unless she was fine with it, WHICH WAS NEVER STATED. I'm not saying he's supposed to be stapled to her permanently, I'm saying his entire post makes him sound shallow and unafraid to just discard people who care about him. As for my opinions on sex, especially since I said that it's a personal philosophy, why is it necessary for three different posters to specifically call me out on it? Let me rephrase then: in a loving relationship that puts people first above orgasms, sex is one of the most personal gifts a couple can give to each other. Unless the couple agrees that sex is casual, it is not casual. Funny how I state my personal opinion and you spin it like I want the rest of the world to be that way. It WAS an OBSERVATION on HOW I HAVE SEEN SEX WORK WHETHER PEOPLE WANT IT TO OR NOT. People commit suicide because they've been cheated on, how is it not one of the biggest gifts a human can give? Sex is tied deeply with trust, cheating or leaving for someone else deeplyy violates trust to the point where people would rather DIE. Not my opinion solely, my opinion on how the world has worked since humans have written things down. Sexual fidelity matters to people.

Meh, guess we have vastly different views on the universe then.

I believe that some of the pain out there is an unavoidable part of life. This pain isn't a bad thing. On the contrary, it's often a good thing as it gives life meaning. Something that can't possibly hurt you is often meaningless.

When those close to me leave me then that hurts. If I ever have a Girlfriend who leaves me because another guy made her happier then that'd hurt. But it wouldn't be a bad thing. The bad thing would be her lying to me and sticking with me even though she doesn't want to. That hurt would be a good thing, it tells me that what I just had mattered. That it was real.

As for your opinion on sex. You may not intend it this way but you sound like you're forcing your personal views on sex on everyone else. You sound judgemental and close-minded. People generally respond badly to that, for very good reason.

I'll not engage you further on it and trust you had no such intentions since you seem to react rather badly to it but thought I'd warn you. You might want to edit your posts to make your stance on sex seem more moderate and less judgemental.

 

[Nieroshai]

Yes, yes, hurting someone is always a bad thing! How is it ever not? It is only ever relatively a good thing if it prevents worse harm. It's funny how everyone who quotes me sides with him, utterly ignoring her. This cannot be morally white because HE HURT SOMEONE! Unless she was fine with it, WHICH WAS NEVER STATED. I'm not saying he's supposed to be stapled to her permanently, I'm saying his entire post makes him sound shallow and unafraid to just discard people who care about him. As for my opinions on sex, especially since I said that it's a personal philosophy, why is it necessary for three different posters to specifically call me out on it? Let me rephrase then: in a loving relationship that puts people first above orgasms, sex is one of the most personal gifts a couple can give to each other. Unless the couple agrees that sex is casual, it is not casual. Funny how I state my personal opinion and you spin it like I want the rest of the world to be that way. It WAS an OBSERVATION on HOW I HAVE SEEN SEX WORK WHETHER PEOPLE WANT IT TO OR NOT. People commit suicide because they've been cheated on, how is it not one of the biggest gifts a human can give? Sex is tied deeply with trust, cheating or leaving for someone else deeplyy violates trust to the point where people would rather DIE. Not my opinion solely, my opinion on how the world has worked since humans have written things down. Sexual fidelity matters to people.

Meh, guess we have vastly different views on the universe then.

I believe that some of the pain out there is an unavoidable part of life. This pain isn't a bad thing. On the contrary, it's often a good thing as it gives life meaning. Something that can't possibly hurt you is often meaningless.

When those close to me leave me then that hurts. If I ever have a Girlfriend who leaves me because another guy made her happier then that'd hurt. But it wouldn't be a bad thing. The bad thing would be her lying to me and sticking with me even though she doesn't want to. That hurt would be a good thing, it tells me that what I just had mattered. That it was real.

As for your opinion on sex. You may not intend it this way but you sound like you're forcing your personal views on sex on everyone else. You sound judgemental and close-minded. People generally respond badly to that, for very good reason.

I'll not engage you further on it and trust you had no such intentions since you seem to react rather badly to it but thought I'd warn you. You might want to edit your posts to make your stance on sex seem more moderate and less judgemental.

Now here's the thing, and I'm not continuing an OP argument here: I personally believe that while some pain may do some good, causing pain is and always has been an abhorrent thing. I also believe my opinions on sex were phrased in a way that stated that it was my own personal philosophy and not a universal mandate from I, god of this universe. As far as I know, I don't sound judgmental, I just sound like a twat because my sexual opinions don't match the current societal norm (which often ignores psychological issues, sex-related suicides are way up), and thus sound like a religious asshole butthurt by other people having a good time. If I'm wrong, I apologize, but I swear I was not meaning to be confrontational. I don't have a problem with sex, I have a deep-rooted problem with hurting people, and infidelity often (but on rare occasion not always) hurts people deeply.

 

[Hagi]

Now here's the thing, and I'm not continuing an OP argument here: I personally believe that while some pain may do some good, causing pain is and always has been an abhorrent thing. I also believe my opinions on sex were phrased in a way that stated that it was my own personal philosophy and not a universal mandate from I, god of this universe. As far as I know, I don't sound judgmental, I just sound like a twat because my sexual opinions don't match the current societal norm (which often ignores psychological issues, sex-related suicides are way up), and thus sound like a religious asshole butthurt by other people having a good time. If I'm wrong, I apologize, but I swear I was not meaning to be confrontational. I don't have a problem with sex, I have a deep-rooted problem with hurting people, and infidelity often (but on rare occasion not always) hurts people deeply.

But did he really cause that pain by breaking up with her? Didn't she cause that pain herself?

Is it fair for him to take responsibility over something like that? He didn't intend for her to get hurt. He'd prevent her from getting hurt if he could, I'm certain.

Someone's usually going to get hurt by relationships in the end. Does that really make any relationship you end a morally grey choice unless you both stick around for so long that you just don't care about each other at all and thus can leave without hurting anyone's feelings?

I'd say the morally white choice is the one that's unafraid to tell hard truths that need to be heard. That's honest and says "I'm sorry but I'm not attracted to you anymore." so that the other party can start moving on instead of getting stuck in a relationship with no future without even knowing it.

And infidelity does hurt people a lot. But there wasn't any case of that here. On the contrary, this guy had the guts to face his angry girlfriend and break up with her to avoid exactly that situation. He didn't cheat on her. He took the flak from his ex and her friends and moved on exactly so that in the future, in a moment of passion with this other girl, he wouldn't betray anyone.

 

[thelonewolf266]

the proper course of action would have been to check and see if she was up for a 3some first... you never know unless you ask

We tried that with my fiancee's best friend... best weekend ever.

I feel obliged to hate you after you reveal something like that you lucky dog, you.

OT:There was absolutely nothing wrong with what you did if you had seen the other girl while still seeing the original one that would have been bad but to be honest staying with someone when you aren't committed to them and are just doing it so you don't hurt there feeling can be just as bad as cheating.
If the original girl really likes you she'll understand once she is no longer upset.