Poll: How good is my writing?

[Ajna]

I've been trying to get a bit better at writing as of late, and have a habit of having good ideas and forgetting them before I get a chance to write them. I had an idea earlier today and made sure that I wrote it down, so that I could at least milk a short story out of it. This is what I got. I suppose that if it were going to be a book, it would be the first chapter, though I don't think I'd be able to take it anywhere as a story.

===

The light flickered on and off. Jomeil watched from on top of the hill, silent. It was night, and the moon was a waxing gibbous, casting enough light to see by, but not enough to make his form obvious. Jomeil stared at the house, watching closely. He kept reminding himself to blink. Dry eyes wouldn't help him.

The light went out. That was his cue. Jome started down the hill, trying not to stumble and fall. He reached the bottom of the hill, and crouched down. The house was just a few yards off. Jome paused to catch his breath, and took his first real look at the building. It looked like what Taresk had said it would. A single story tall (Taresk had said there was a cellar), three or four rooms, and a small porch with a modest wooden shade over it. A few empty planter boxes outside spoke of someone who was self-absorbed, and didn't remember to water their plants. Or who didn't care for gardening. No need to look too far into it. That wasn't Jomeil's job.

Speaking of his job, it was time to go to work. Jomeil slipped around the house and crept up the porch, conscious of every creak the wood made under his feet. He tried the door, unsurprised when it failed to turn, and quickly picked the lock. He slipped inside and was surprised to find that there was someone in his way.
===
EDIT: Please leave some comment about what you think. The poll votes can only tell me so much. It would really help me fix what I did wrong if you'd tell me what you don't like, and it would be helpful to know what I'm doing right. Thank you!

2nd EDIT: If you're able/willing to (and this is not nearly as important for me as the one about giving me a few pointers) could you please tell me some authors that I remind you of, so that I can read books by them? Or, alternatively, some authors who emphasize what you think I need to work on, so that I can try to get some pointers? If you do, you get free brownie points (redeemable for one hug per point, unless that would be creepy for either party)!

3rd EDIT: I'd like to point out: I live in the USA, so I'm using the Imperial system of measurement in this. I did consider using the metric system, but... Eh... I feel more comfortable with what I know, rather than what the basic conversion systems I know tell me.

 

[SharPhoe]

I'm not a great writer myself, but I think you've got something going here. The only thing is, it all seems... segmented somehow. I don't really know how to describe it, but it writing doesn't "flow" as well as it could.

 

[Ajna]

I'm not a great writer myself, but I think you've got something going here. The only thing is, it all seems... segmented somehow. I don't really know how to describe it, but it writing doesn't "flow" as well as it could.

A friend I showed it to earlier said something similar. I try to write similar to how they would think, pausing as they speak. I have trouble writing in a different way.

In whatever I write next, I'll try to use longer sentences, ones that will "flow" as you said. Perhaps from an omniscient perspective rather than 3rd person. I don't think I can do a first person story though. Those bug me...

 

[ExodusinFlames]

Too many specific details (naming and whatnot), drop the brackets and incorporate it into an internal thought of Jome's, and Jome is just short for Jomeil, right? Until you have a chance in story, to have a character dub him as a shorter version of it, stick with one. Makes less confusion.

Otherwise, I want to read more. Good imagery to start, sets a nice quiet scene and leaves you wondering why the hell were watching that house. Is he an assassin, are there monsters in the house? Its good and open. But work on the flow, and your good.

I write very often myself, and I recognize potential when I see it. Keep at it, and remember that drafting is your best friend. Find yourself a good editor, thats what I did. I both hate and love her to death. They in the same sentance can tell you something is awful and awesome and find a new way to write it. Its infuriating and ego boosting all at once.

 

[Ajna]

Too many specific details (naming and whatnot), drop the brackets and incorporate it into an internal thought of Jome's, and Jome is just short for Jomeil, right? Until you have a chance in story, to have a character dub him as a shorter version of it, stick with one. Makes less confusion.

Otherwise, I want to read more. Good imagery to start, sets a nice quiet scene and leaves you wondering why the hell were watching that house. Is he an assassin, are there monsters in the house? Its good and open. But work on the flow, and your good.

I write very often myself, and I recognize potential when I see it. Keep at it, and remember that drafting is your best friend. Find yourself a good editor, thats what I did. I both hate and love her to death. They in the same sentance can tell you something is awful and awesome and find a new way to write it. Its infuriating and ego boosting all at once.

When I wrote it, I was wiffle-waffling between "assassin" and "thief". I may write a bit more on it, but honestly stopped where I did because I couldn't think of something to write after that.

Also, you are correct that "Jome" is short for "Jomeil". I felt the same as you with the need to use something in the story to use before I switched to that name, but considering he was alone, had trouble with that. And I didn't want the reader to get used to calling him Jomeil, when the above setup would likely make it be the third chapter at a minimum when he was talking to someone who knew him.

I doubt I'll run with the above story to make my plot, though, so my next story would likely contain someone calling them by that nickname.

Thanks for the help!

 

[Ajna]

and took his first reall look at the building. It looked like what Taresk quote]

"real". Writing isnt too bad, needs polishing. Try taking creative writing classes at your local college or JC. Barring that just keep it up, practise makes perfect.

I keep wanting to take creative writing classes, actually.

As for "reall", I was copying it from being on a sheet of paper to the computer. I misspelled it as I was copying it down. Thanks for pointing it out, though. I'll fix it.

 

[SharPhoe]

In whatever I write next, I'll try to use longer sentences, ones that will "flow" as you said. Perhaps from an omniscient perspective rather than 3rd person. I don't think I can do a first person story though. Those bug me...

I'm currently writing a short story in 1st person, and yeah, it is tricky, but it's an interesting exercise.

 

[tk1989]

It seems ok... Ill try and give you some constructive criticism for it:
1. You need to maybe go through it an check spelling etc. I found i think 3 spelling mistakes in that as i was reading through.
2. Don't use the brackets as you did; you were describing how the house had a cellar, and then straight afterwards outside the brackets you keep describing it. Just keep the descriptions in one sentence together
3. At the start then you write "Jome started down the hill, trying not to stumble and fall", is it because he is going fast down the hill? Is the hill steep? Is there long grass or something so he can't see the rocks? Need more imagery about where he is, his surrounding, etc. Don't get too descriptive though, it is just a hill!
4. Maybe give some of his feelings and thoughts? You haven't really detailed what the character is thinking at the time; is he nervous, anxious, or does he do this so much its a walk in the park? We don't know, you need to convey that to us! "Paused at the door, Jomeil took a large breath before the plunge. He tried the door handle. To Jomeil's expectation the door wouldn't budge.". That sentence, whilst maybe not the best in the world, expresses his anxiety, his nervousness etc.

Work on it and im sure itll be a piece of work you will be proud of! I hope some of my comments helped!

 

[Jharry5]

I liked it; it had some good imagery at the start. There just isn't really enough in the first post to pass a full judgement.
At times it seems a little fragmented, for lack of a better word (by that I mean that something about it doesn't seem to flow right).
I'd recommend taking creative writing classes, as someone before me said. Most of all, just keep at it.

 

[The Infamous Scamola]

Question: What's up with the odd character names? Is Jomeil Arab or something?

 

[Chipperz]

I like it, I can see what you've done with the flow and the short sentences, but I'll give you a few thoughts that I've been given over the years that apply to your writing;

- You have sight down, but a story feels more "real" if you write in a few other sensations. Not too many, and focus on sight, but occasionally mention the smell of someone's cooking inside, the chirp of crickets in the night air or the resistance of the door's handle. Just some things to bring the reader in, it's all show, don't tell.
- The perspective is good, but maybe a few inner monologue reactions from Jomeil? If he reacts a certain way, it's likely that the reader will react, too.
- Above all, your writing's good, and if you keep it up, you can be great, so just keep writing and getting others to read it

 

[Svizzara]

Good, but not great. It has potential. My first problem is that you start off with the name "Jomeil", then change to "Jome", then go back to "Jomeil". Pick one.

I must agree with a few others when I say that the story needs more flow. You have good pieces, you just need to meld them together more smoothly. I can't give you any specific advice on exactly what to do, but it's just a general feeling I got after reading the entire thing.

Good use of imagery, I could really picture the scene in my head.

 

[A.I. Sigma]

Your main problem is you only really use simple sentence structures, with the occasional compound or complex sentence. Variety is the spice of life! Also, while there is description, there doesn't seem to be enough of it to make the excerpt flow.

For example, instead of:

The light flickered on and off. Jomeil watched from on top of the hill, silent. It was night, and the moon was a waxing gibbous, casting enough light to see by, but not enough to make his form obvious. Jomeil stared at the house, watching closely. He kept reminding himself to blink. Dry eyes wouldn't help him.

Try:

The light flickered on and off, cutting through the gloom and illuminating the walls around it for a few seconds, before dragging it back into the shadow. Jomeil watched from atop the hill, silent and waiting. It was night, deep and dark, and the moon was a waxing gibbous, casting enough of a glow to see by, but not enough to make his form obvious to anyone lurking nearby. He stared at the house, scanning it closely, constantly reminding himself not to blink. Dry eyes wouldn't help him.

Also, try not to repeat words in the same paragraph. I've bolded the words you repeated in the quote, and then changed them in my rewritten one. If you can't think of a word to replace the one you already have, try using a thesaurus. Or, if you don't own a thesaurus, try Thesaurus.com

If you need any more help, want to ask any more questions, or just want to ***** at me for being picky, message me. I'll be more than happy to reply to whatever you send me.

:K

 

[Internet Kraken]

and took his first reall look at the building. It looked like what Taresk quote]

"real". Writing isnt too bad, needs polishing. Try taking creative writing classes at your local college or JC. Barring that just keep it up, practise makes perfect.

Funny. You point out that he spelled "real" wrong, and then you misspelled "practice".

 

[solidstatemind]

Not bad. Only one suggestion I can make is, Writing prose is like writing music or poetry: it really helps to have an idea of what you want to convey, then establish a framework, and finally start filling it in. Sometimes, if you focus too much on depicting a scene, you'll find that all you did was right down a description, and end up not conveying anything. Now, that may be fine for a writing exercise, but it's a trap when you're actually trying to construct a narrative.

Also, you don't have to take classes in creative writing unless you really want to. They are helpful, but you can get just as much knowledge out of books. "On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft" by Stephen King is a good one, and your local library probably has it.

 

[Aurora219]

I reiterate Svizzara. And also, you need to pick a perspective and stick with it, not using the name so often.

A few basic examples of how I'd write: "Jomeil started forward, leaning closer, caught a breath and stepped towards the house. Straining to hear movement, anything at all, he caught a soft rasp of glass on glass, muffled by the pine door looming in front of him. The air was heavy, the silence that followed feeling like a physical weight on his shoulders. Perhaps he imagined it? Searching his thoughts for a moment, he debated the likelihood of the home in front of him sheltering an intruder. Images of a hooded figure, crouched and menacing, shimmered through his mind. Perhaps he was armed. A knife blade catching the moonlight as it plunged towards him. A gun even, dull and threatening, ready to explode and blink him from existence.

Feeling the shiver down his spine, he realized he was being absurd, stringing his own fears along until they grew out of proportion. Shaking off the dread and compounding his new-found bravery with the quiet acknowledgment that the house had not uttered any more ominous sounds. Straightening up, Jomiel took his certainty, marching towards the house, listening to his footsteps cascade across the old decking towards the front door."

EDIT: I wouldn't mind constructive criticism on mine, while we're at it.

 

[Tom5672]

Your sentances vary too much. Tension is created through short sharp sentances, saying things like
"the light pierced through the darkness. He was not alone."
In your thingy, this sort of thing can be seen in instances like:
"Jomeil watched from on top of the hill, silent. It was night, and the moon was a waxing gibbous, casting enough light to see by, but not enough to make his form obvious"
Which is a short sentance followed by a long descriptive sentace, breaking flow and disrupting the whole semantic field, breaking it up into three short sentances and keeping with that would help to not only add tension but add an air of mystery.
Also your break off in tangents too easily, you should focus on individual objects or situations at once, or the reader has their attention focused on something else that you want to entirely.
And you need to use more pre-modifiers to add cohesion, like "make his dark and brooding form obivous" or "the maggot ravaged wood" which also helps for dramatic effect, and if used correctly would add tension to your thingy.

But to be honest, man, theres 3 paragraphs. Im not sure anyone here can help you improve your writing simply off an ambigous and syntactically shapen piece.

Also, It would be relevant to know, at least vaguely, what your age is, in case most of what I just said goes straight over your head.
I mean its not exactly bad, just slightly lacking in discourse markers and such.

 

[Kpt._Rob]

This writing I wouldn't say is either bad or good, it's passable. You can work on trying to improve it, but really the only way to improve writing is by reading a lot and writing a lot, trying to improve any other way will be too conscious an act, and in the long run will probably seem forced. That said, what's really going to make or break you is the content of your story. Good plot, good characters, etc... these will be the difference between life and death, and there's really not enough here to judge how your plot or characters are.

 

[dmase]

There are people that can wright and then there are people that can make stories... that are good, to be what you want you have to have both. The writing is good but i have no idea what type of story this is and I don't think you can accurately gauge someone on a few paragraphs a chapter or two would be better, to see how the story will go and if its going to be a futuristic assasin's creed rip off... don't pull a twilight/ slash harry potter except with a popular franchise, thats really asking for a good kick in the ego.