Poll: How good is my writing?

[Ajna]

It seems ok... Ill try and give you some constructive criticism for it:
1. You need to maybe go through it an check spelling etc. I found i think 3 spelling mistakes in that as i was reading through.
2. Don't use the brackets as you did; you were describing how the house had a cellar, and then straight afterwards outside the brackets you keep describing it. Just keep the descriptions in one sentence together
3. At the start then you write "Jome started down the hill, trying not to stumble and fall", is it because he is going fast down the hill? Is the hill steep? Is there long grass or something so he can't see the rocks? Need more imagery about where he is, his surrounding, etc. Don't get too descriptive though, it is just a hill!
4. Maybe give some of his feelings and thoughts? You haven't really detailed what the character is thinking at the time; is he nervous, anxious, or does he do this so much its a walk in the park? We don't know, you need to convey that to us! "Paused at the door, Jomeil took a large breath before the plunge. He tried the door handle. To Jomeil's expectation the door wouldn't budge.". That sentence, whilst maybe not the best in the world, expresses his anxiety, his nervousness etc.

Work on it and im sure itll be a piece of work you will be proud of! I hope some of my comments helped!

I was jotting it down at the time to make sure I remembered it, and just transferred it to a computer in a minute or so. I can assure you that if I try to write something professionally, it will be much better. The part about the brackets/parenthesis' I'd already heard from someone else, but the other two points are good. (About the hill: It was supposed to be a combination of running to fast and the hill being steep. Again: Jotting it down. But thanks for the tip.)

I liked it; it had some good imagery at the start. There just isn't really enough in the first post to pass a full judgement.
At times it seems a little fragmented, for lack of a better word (by that I mean that something about it doesn't seem to flow right).
I'd recommend taking creative writing classes, as someone before me said. Most of all, just keep at it.

It was meant to be more of an idea to get my creative juices flowing than a full story, but thanks. I've been finding out that most of my skill seems to be in imagery...

Question: What's up with the odd character names? Is Jomeil Arab or something?

I have trouble coming up with names. I also feel that important character's shouldn't have "common" names (say, "John"), lest they be confused with a different character. I know that I'm not the only person to do this. Just look at some good/popular books out there: Rand al'thor, Eragon, Edward (Hey, it's popular), Richard (Okay, not that unusual, but his last name is "rahl"), Kahlan, Louis Wu (Pronounced "Loo-ee", I might add), and so on.

I like it, I can see what you've done with the flow and the short sentences, but I'll give you a few thoughts that I've been given over the years that apply to your writing;

- You have sight down, but a story feels more "real" if you write in a few other sensations. Not too many, and focus on sight, but occasionally mention the smell of someone's cooking inside, the chirp of crickets in the night air or the resistance of the door's handle. Just some things to bring the reader in, it's all show, don't tell.
- The perspective is good, but maybe a few inner monologue reactions from Jomeil? If he reacts a certain way, it's likely that the reader will react, too.
- Above all, your writing's good, and if you keep it up, you can be great, so just keep writing and getting others to read it

It comforts me to know that some people see what I'm (trying to be) doing with the sentence structure, thanks. I'll work on the points you made. I tend to make more thoughts come out than what I wrote above, but there's not much for him to think in the span of three paragraphs. Thanks for the pointers on the sounds/smells/feelings, though. I tend to gloss over non-sight senses.

Good, but not great. It has potential. My first problem is that you start off with the name "Jomeil", then change to "Jome", then go back to "Jomeil". Pick one.

I must agree with a few others when I say that the story needs more flow. You have good pieces, you just need to meld them together more smoothly. I can't give you any specific advice on exactly what to do, but it's just a general feeling I got after reading the entire thing.

Good use of imagery, I could really picture the scene in my head.

Thanks for the imagery comment (with how many people say that's my strong point, I need to find a way to use it more). As for the "Jomeil"/"Jome" problem, I was trying to get the reader used to thinking of him as "Jome", without leaving them in the dark as to his real name. If I made more out of this, I'd eventually have to point out that either he had the nickname, or he had the formal name, and in either case I'd feel bad about doing it later in the story. Perhaps if I had someone call him Jomeil and then inserted a short line to the extent of "Jomeil always had preferred people call him 'Jome'. Some people didn't even realize it wasn't his real name"? Hrm. These comments are making me think. That's good.

Your main problem is you only really use simple sentence structures, with the occasional compound or complex sentence. Variety is the spice of life! Also, while there is description, there doesn't seem to be enough of it to make the excerpt flow.

For example, instead of:

The light flickered on and off. Jomeil watched from on top of the hill, silent. It was night, and the moon was a waxing gibbous, casting enough light to see by, but not enough to make his form obvious. Jomeil stared at the house, watching closely. He kept reminding himself to blink. Dry eyes wouldn't help him.

Try:

The light flickered on and off, cutting through the gloom and illuminating the walls around it for a few seconds, before dragging it back into the shadow. Jomeil watched from atop the hill, silent and waiting. It was night, deep and dark, and the moon was a waxing gibbous, casting enough of a glow to see by, but not enough to make his form obvious to anyone lurking nearby. He stared at the house, scanning it closely, constantly reminding himself not to blink. Dry eyes wouldn't help him.

Also, try not to repeat words in the same paragraph. I've bolded the words you repeated in the quote, and then changed them in my rewritten one. If you can't think of a word to replace the one you already have, try using a thesaurus. Or, if you don't own a thesaurus, try Thesaurus.com

If you need any more help, want to ask any more questions, or just want to ***** at me for being picky, message me. I'll be more than happy to reply to whatever you send me.

:K

A very detailed reply, thanks. I have to say, I'm not a fan of your change, for a few reasons (the main reason is really just my stubborn pride, but I have a few valid ones): Firstly is that you changed my "reminding himself to blink" to "reminding himself not to blink". I meant it the way it was. You blink to moisten your eyes, and if you have dry eyes, you have blurry vision. I know I had that part right. The rest of it is just too long of sentences for my taste. I really need to find a happy medium on that part. >.> You're more of a J.R.R. Tolkien to my Ernest Hemmingway, if you catch my drift (To clarify: You like detail, I like simple and to the point. On another note, I hated Tolkien. I threw The Hobbit at a wall while I was reading it, out of sheer frustration.) The part about repeating words: I notice that every time I write something. If you think that's bad, you should have seen the version I erased to death because I kept using... *searches the original paper* Oh yes, "crept"/"creep"/etc. I used variants on that word twice in every paragraph before I changed it. Though, it is good you remind me about that problem I have, if only to remind me I have it.

Not bad. Only one suggestion I can make is, Writing prose is like writing music or poetry: it really helps to have an idea of what you want to convey, then establish a framework, and finally start filling it in. Sometimes, if you focus too much on depicting a scene, you'll find that all you did was right down a description, and end up not conveying anything. Now, that may be fine for an writing exercise, but it's a trap when you're actually trying to construct a narrative.

Also, you don't have to take classes in creative writing unless you really want to. They are helpful, but you can get just as much knowledge out of books. "On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft" by Stephen King is a good one, and your local library probably has it.

I'll try to remember to check that book at some point, though there are no guarantees I'll remember. I have a long enough list of "books I'm supposed to read" as it is. >.>

As for getting an idea first: I was trying. But this actually was, more or less, just a writing exercise. I'm trying to write about anything that pops into my head over the next few weeks, just to see what I can do. If I get a good idea in the mean time, I may flesh it out into something I could use, but I'm shooting for the Scott Adams approach at the moment (try out any idea you get, but if it doesn't work well, just move on and come back later if you still like it).

Also, a request for everyone who's commented on this so far: Could you give me any author's you know who write in a similar way? Or, alternatively, who write in a way that emphasizes your points (e.g.: Good "flow", non-Arabian names (*wink*), etc.)? There are three specific authors whose writing I'd like to... Emulate? Is that the word I want? *Googles it* Yeah, "emulate", that's it. If someone remarks that I'm doing similar to them, I know I'm doing it right.

Again, thanks for all the help!

 

[Aurora219]

My favourite writing style is similar to Dean Koontz. He shifts perspectives between characters, but sticks to one person for each chapter. He's also pretty descriptive but not as much as many authors; you don't get bogged down by the detail so much the story doesn't move and he simply gives you the framework for you to create your own visualizations.

 

[Bocaj2000]

Here's personal advice.

First of all, style is the most important thing. Anyone can write with practice, but style is what makes your work stand out.

Use a thesaurus. The difference between good writing and great writing is specific language. For example, you didn't know if you should have used the word "thief" or "assassin." The use of the words depends on time period, the character, the plot, etc. If you use the word "refugee" you have a completely different story. Just keep in mind that the thesaurus is your best friend.

Use the five senses. Describe the scene the best you can. The reader shouldn't have to guess what the main character looks like nor if the house is a ragged shack or a mansion.

Lastly, keep practicing. With practice you'll develop a "voice." Keep up the good work

 

[The Wooster]

Short sentences are a good habbit to get into and they're an effective way of conveying information quickly and concisely but what you're missing is value. The idea of a very short sentence is that the event or subject speaks for itself and is more shocking or effective without the extra words. It indicates something the character is paying particular attention to eithe because of, or in spite of, the events of the story. You've kind of used it as a catch all, describing both mundane details and important details in the same curt tone and it takes away from the impact of more important moments.

Try and pad out nonessential descriptive sentences, make them softer and less central. Their main function is to add a feeling to the piece, ideally the reader shouldn't remember your exact words but instead feel what the environment is like.

 

[Ajna]

I reiterate Svizzara. And also, you need to pick a perspective and stick with it, not using the name so often.

A few basic examples of how I'd write: "Jomeil started forward, leaning closer, caught a breath and stepped towards the house. Straining to hear movement, anything at all, he caught a soft rasp of glass on glass, muffled by the pine door looming in front of him. The air was heavy, the silence that followed feeling like a physical weight on his shoulders. Perhaps he imagined it? Searching his thoughts for a moment, he debated the likelihood of the home in front of him sheltering an intruder. Images of a hooded figure, crouched and menacing, shimmered through his mind. Perhaps he was armed. A knife blade catching the moonlight as it plunged towards him. A gun even, dull and threatening, ready to explode and blink him from existence.

Feeling the shiver down his spine, he realized he was being absurd, stringing his own fears along until they grew out of proportion. Shaking off the dread and compounding his new-found bravery with the quiet acknowledgment that the house had not uttered any more ominous sounds. Straightening up, Jomiel took his certainty, marching towards the house, listening to his footsteps cascade across the old decking towards the front door."

EDIT: I wouldn't mind constructive criticism on mine, while we're at it.

Constructive Criticism: Considering I was shooting for more of a medieval theme (hence: flickering (torch/fire)), I dislike it based on the gun part, but otherwise, nice. Though you seem to emphasize hearing more than sight, which I suppose just gives me another idea. I also think you need to follow the advice of a quote I recall reading a while back: "Never use a 20-dollar word where a 5-cent word will work just fine." I ignored the quote regarding my writing because (as was mentioned earlier), I have a tendency to use short, simple words in my writing, and if I'm using a big word, odds are it's not overdoing it.

As for your comments on my writing: Can you point out for me where I switched perspective? I tend to go for third person, and don't think I used first or omniscient anywhere in this. Could you be mistaking using Jomiel's name as first person?

The comment about overuse of the name... In addition to what I said in response to earlier comments about my feeling of needing to establish that he's both "Jomeil" and "Jome", I tend to have issues with my balance of using non-specific words like "he/she/it/they" and actual names. Normally, when I try to decide if I'm overusing it or not, I settle for mentioning their name one more time. That in mind, I'll try to remember your comment and use names a bit less in my writing.

Your sentances vary too much. Tension is created through short sharp sentances, saying things like
"the light pierced through the darkness. He was not alone."
In your thingy, this sort of thing can be seen in instances like:
"Jomeil watched from on top of the hill, silent. It was night, and the moon was a waxing gibbous, casting enough light to see by, but not enough to make his form obvious"
Which is a short sentance followed by a long descriptive sentace, breaking flow and disrupting the whole semantic field, breaking it up into three short sentances and keeping with that would help to not only add tension but add an air of mystery.
Also your break off in tangents too easily, you should focus on individual objects or situations at once, or the reader has their attention focused on something else that you want to entirely.
And you need to use more pre-modifiers to add cohesion, like "make his dark and brooding form obivous" or "the maggot ravaged wood" which also helps for dramatic effect, and if used correctly would add tension to your thingy.

But to be honest, man, theres 3 paragraphs. Im not sure anyone here can help you improve your writing simply off an ambigous and syntactically shapen piece.

Also, It would be relevant to know, at least vaguely, what your age is, in case most of what I just said goes straight over your head.
I mean its not exactly bad, just slightly lacking in discourse markers and such.

Your comments about "dark and brooding form" and "maggot ravaged wood" show me more than the rest of your post, to be honest (no offense to the rest of your post. Just keep reading...). I was trying to make this seem relatively light-hearted, and only slightly mysterious. Using negative connotations in your words makes it sound more like a horror story. It was supposed to be a cozy little house, and you turned it into a creepy abandoned cottage. >.>

As for switching between short sentences and long ones... I don't have much of an excuse. Though I've noticed I do that when switching between character thoughts and their descriptions of scenery. When trying to stop myself from doing that, I tend to just make my writing look worse, but I'll try to fix it somehow. Perhaps if I broke it up intentionally somehow, say, start a new paragraph when I change between description and thought? I'll try doing that with my next bit of writing.

Regarding age: I try to avoid mentioning my age on the internet. People associate age with certain things. Older than a certain point and you're out of touch, younger, and you're oblivious. Suffice it to say: The Internet has been led to believe I'm in my mid-twenties. I feel my writing should be judged as that from someone in that range.

This writing I wouldn't say is either bad or good, it's passable. You can work on trying to improve it, but really the only way to improve writing is by reading a lot and writing a lot, trying to improve any other way will be too conscious an act, and in the long run will probably seem forced. That said, what's really going to make or break you is the content of your story. Good plot, good characters, etc... these will be the difference between life and death, and there's really not enough here to judge how your plot or characters are.

Confirmation of what I already knew, sad as it is for me. I read plenty, and that's partially what spawned this piece. As I said in my original post: I've been trying to write more and more as of late. So I'm working on the second one. I honestly couldn't get more reading in if I tried. I have to cut back on how much I read just to be able to write. Also, as I said before: I'm trying to get my creative juices flowing. Like you said: It's mostly about the plot. That's the other reason I wrote this. I've been noticing that regardless of how eloquently or poorly I write, I have trouble with story ideas.

There are people that can wright and then there are people that can make stories... that are good, to be what you want you have to have both. The writing is good but i have no idea what type of story this is and I don't think you can accurately gauge someone on a few paragraphs a chapter or two would be better, to see how the story will go and if its going to be a futuristic assasin's creed rip off... don't pull a twilight/ slash harry potter except with a popular franchise, thats really asking for a good kick in the ego.

I'm not trying to write anything large enough to require chapters at the moment. I want to get a few solid short stories under my belt before I even consider the idea of starting a book of any sort. As for assassin's creed... >.> I really need to figure out a way to emphasize what my character is doing. He's supposed to be a thief, not an assassin.

Also, can you clarify what you mean about twilight/harry potter?

 

[Cliff_m85]

Not enough nudity. 3 stars

 

[Aurora219]

I reiterate Svizzara. And also, you need to pick a perspective and stick with it, not using the name so often.

A few basic examples of how I'd write: "Jomeil started forward, leaning closer, caught a breath and stepped towards the house. Straining to hear movement, anything at all, he caught a soft rasp of glass on glass, muffled by the pine door looming in front of him. The air was heavy, the silence that followed feeling like a physical weight on his shoulders. Perhaps he imagined it? Searching his thoughts for a moment, he debated the likelihood of the home in front of him sheltering an intruder. Images of a hooded figure, crouched and menacing, shimmered through his mind. Perhaps he was armed. A knife blade catching the moonlight as it plunged towards him. A gun even, dull and threatening, ready to explode and blink him from existence.

Feeling the shiver down his spine, he realized he was being absurd, stringing his own fears along until they grew out of proportion. Shaking off the dread and compounding his new-found bravery with the quiet acknowledgment that the house had not uttered any more ominous sounds. Straightening up, Jomiel took his certainty, marching towards the house, listening to his footsteps cascade across the old decking towards the front door."

EDIT: I wouldn't mind constructive criticism on mine, while we're at it.

Constructive Criticism: Considering I was shooting for more of a medieval theme (hence: flickering (torch/fire)), I dislike it based on the gun part, but otherwise, nice. Though you seem to emphasize hearing more than sight, which I suppose just gives me another idea. I also think you need to follow the advice of a quote I recall reading a while back: "Never use a 20-dollar word where a 5-cent word will work just fine." I ignored the quote regarding my writing because (as was mentioned earlier), I have a tendency to use short, simple words in my writing, and if I'm using a big word, odds are it's not overdoing it.

As for your comments on my writing: Can you point out for me where I switched perspective? I tend to go for third person, and don't think I used first or omniscient anywhere in this. Could you be mistaking using Jomiel's name as first person?

The comment about overuse of the name... In addition to what I said in response to earlier comments about my feeling of needing to establish that he's both "Jomeil" and "Jome", I tend to have issues with my balance of using non-specific words like "he/she/it/they" and actual names. Normally, when I try to decide if I'm overusing it or not, I settle for mentioning their name one more time. That in mind, I'll try to remember your comment and use names a bit less in my writing.

I have to agree with you actually, I went a bit off point about the perspective thing relating to you. I was talking in general it's something that people fall for most of all, and it bugs the hell out of me when I read it. I don't think you're guilty.

The name thing; I can see where you're coming from. Of course, in a longer novel or similar you could always just use a quick mechanism to introduce Jomiel as Jome with something along the lines of:

There was a shout from the kitchen.
"Jome, come here"
It must have been his uncle calling for his presence; his father was one of the few people he knew who still called him Jomiel, and they were the only men in the house right now.

Finally, just to get my head around your criticism of my passage: $20 words meaning that my language is overcomplicated? I do throw my vocabulary around on purpose a lot of the time and I find it makes for more varied reading assuming that it's used in a way that isn't repetitive or obscuring.

 

[Ajna]

My favourite writing style is similar to Dean Koontz. He shifts perspectives between characters, but sticks to one person for each chapter. He's also pretty descriptive but not as much as many authors; you don't get bogged down by the detail so much the story doesn't move and he simply gives you the framework for you to create your own visualizations.

I have two books by him on the aforementioned "list of books I need to read". I'll start in on one of them pretty soon though, thanks to this. Sounds like a similar style to what Robert Jordan did/does. Have you read him enough to be able to compare?

Here's personal advice.

First of all, style is the most important thing. Anyone can write with practice, but style is what makes your work stand out.

Use a thesaurus. The difference between good writing and great writing is specific language. For example, you didn't know if you should have used the word "thief" or "assassin." The use of the words depends on time period, the character, the plot, etc. If you use the word "refugee" you have a completely different story. Just keep in mind that the thesaurus is your best friend.

Use the five senses. Describe the scene the best you can. The reader shouldn't have to guess what the main character looks like nor if the house is a ragged shack or a mansion.

Lastly, keep practicing. With practice you'll develop a "voice." Keep up the good work

I said I was unsure if the character should be an assassin or a thief, not which word to use. I know the difference between those. And I did decide on "thief" in the end.

Style I realize is important, but I haven't written enough to have one, and am asking for help with developing mine.

As for the five senses: I believe you're the third or fourth person to tell me that. I'm thinking my next "jotting" will have to be longer just to use all these things I'm being told to try using. Considering one of those things is "length", that's probably good. Damn, there's another thing I keep doing. I keep using the word "considering" in my responses to people. I need to work on that too. >.>

Short sentences are a good habbit to get into and they're an effective way of conveying information quickly and concisely but what you're missing is value. The idea of a very short sentence is that the event or subject speaks for itself and is more shocking or effective without the extra words. It indicates something the character is paying particular attention to eithe because of, or in spite of, the events of the story. You've kind of used it as a catch all, describing both mundane details and important details in the same curt tone and it takes away from the impact of more important moments.

Try and pad out nonessential descriptive sentences, make them softer and less central. Their main function is to add a feeling to the piece, ideally the reader shouldn't remember your exact words but instead feel what the environment is like.

I'll try to make my sentences have to do with more important things in the future, as you say. I was actually doing nearly exactly what you said: Drawing attention to what the character finds important. That's why I put in the detail about it being a "waxing gibbous", when most people would likely term it as being "nearly full", or something similar. Though, I will try to make it more obvious when something isn't important. Would this work better?

"The moon was nearly full, letting Jomeil see, but not giving others enough light to see him clearly. He glanced up at the moon absentmindedly, trying to remember what he'd learned about moon phases in school. Waxing Gibbous. That's what it was. He glanced back down. The light had gone out. That was his cue."

 

[Aurora219]

Robert Jordan... Tell me a few of his titles and I'll tell you if I know them. I don't think I can compare though I'm afraid.

 

[Ajna]

Not enough nudity. 3 stars

[sarcasm]Glad to know that at least you are giving me useful feedback.[/sarcasm]

It seems rushed, not enough details.

It actually was rushed. As I said, I tend to forget my ideas, and wanted to at least jot this down. I did the above in about an hour, and I wasn't writing the entire time, but rather, a sentence or two every couple of minutes.

*snip*

I have to agree with you actually, I went a bit off point about the perspective thing relating to you. I was talking in general it's something that people fall for most of all, and it bugs the hell out of me when I read it. I don't think you're guilty.

The name thing; I can see where you're coming from. Of course, in a longer novel or similar you could always just use a quick mechanism to introduce Jomiel as Jome with something along the lines of:

There was a shout from the kitchen.
"Jome, come here"
It must have been his uncle calling for his presence; his father was one of the few people he knew who still called him Jomiel, and they were the only men in the house right now.

Finally, just to get my head around your criticism of my passage: $20 words meaning that my language is overcomplicated? I do throw my vocabulary around on purpose a lot of the time and I find it makes for more varied reading assuming that it's used in a way that isn't repetitive or obscuring.

Thanks for the clarification on perspective. I do poorly with omniscient, and botch first-person, so I think the problem is more of "what I'll do if I need to switch at some point (for any reason)" than "what will I do to stop it from happening". The feelings on Jome/Jomeil are identical between us.

$20-dollar words are just big words. Normally used just to show off they're big. E.G.: Using the word "pedantic" instead of just explaining that someone is extremely focused on a specific thing. I forget what it refers to, but believe it's a reference to some "word-a-day" programs college students use.

Some very successful writers have done the same thing, but I get irritated by those types of passages when, say, I have a headache from the rest of the day. Passages full of large words tend to make me glaze over and jump from word to word. I actually had to reread yours three times before I got the entire thing. There's a reason I threw "The Hobbit" at a wall (as I mentioned earlier), and it's that I had a headache that day and didn't want to know exactly what the hill looked like.

 

[Ajna]

Robert Jordan... Tell me a few of his titles and I'll tell you if I know them. I don't think I can compare though I'm afraid.

Robert Jordan wrote the "Wheel of Time" series. I honestly haven't read anything else by him, but that's what I believe is his most popular series.

 

[ZonerZ]

I think there is real potential here, but to me everything seemed to choppy. But what do I know? I am, after all, a comma addict.

 

[Aurora219]

Robert Jordan... Tell me a few of his titles and I'll tell you if I know them. I don't think I can compare though I'm afraid.

Robert Jordan wrote the "Wheel of Time" series. I honestly haven't read anything else by him, but that's what I believe is his most popular series.

I'll look it up. I know the name.

Yay, new reading material that's been somewhat accidentally recommended to me.

 

[Joselyn]

Staccato can be quite effective when writing, but I feel you have too much going on- you're sentences are all really short and detached, thus losing the effect of the staccato? Maybe longer sentences and more punctuation would help with your style of writing? I notice you use a lot of commas when a dash would suit better? This is constructive criticism by the way, no offence intended! Good luck with your writing

 

[MrSnugglesworth]

The flow broke alot, but I thought it was pretty good. I write some, and my classmates usually love it, but their an easy to please bunch.

 

[deleted_scifidownbeat]

DELETED

 

[NewClassic_v1legacy]

The light flickered on and off. Jomeil watched from on top of the hill, silent. It was night, and the moon was a waxing gibbous, casting enough light to see by, but not enough to make his form obvious. Jomeil stared at the house, watching closely. He kept reminding himself to blink. Dry eyes wouldn't help him. (This is a very colloquial voice for omniscient third. It's also very segmented. When reading, each comma forcing a pause out of the reader. In the case of a bar story, this would have a series of drinkers leaning in rapt by the tale. In the case of people reading, it comes off as pause-heavy and choppy. "I went into the room, yeah, no, yeah, that room, and turned to my left, activating the light, by using the switch, of course." is a much less approachable sentence than "I went into the room and turned on the light to the left." Think about how it 'sounds' in the reader's head.)

The light went out. That was his cue. Jome started down the hill, trying not to stumble and fall. He reached the bottom of the hill, and crouched down. The house was just a few yards off. Jome paused to catch his breath, and took his first real look at the building. It looked like what Taresk had said it would. A single story, tall (Taresk had said there was a cellar), three or four rooms, allegedly a cellar, and a small porch with a modest wooden shade over it. (Note how you only explain that Taresk mentioned a basement. Just let the reader assume as much, or explain later. My interrupting your own sentence, you're slowing down an already slow writing style. This puts a hefty toll on your reader. Don't do that.) A few empty planter boxes outside spoke of someone who was self-absorbed, and didn't remember to water their plants. (Narrator's point of view, is it really necessary?) Or who didn't care for gardening. No need to look too far into it. That wasn't Jomeil's job.

Speaking of his job, it was time to go to work. Jomeil slipped around the house and crept up the porch, conscious of every creak the wood made under his feet. He tried the door, unsurprised when it failed to turn, and quickly picked the lock. (You're highlighting the action, but only passing over it. How did he pick the lock? Did he have a lockpick set? Where is he holding it? How does he know how to pick locks?) He slipped inside and was surprised to find that there was someone in his way.

Um... You oddly remind me a little bit of Pratchett, as far as passage-of-events goes. I'm not sure why. You lack the dry wit that he shows, though.

Beyond that, you're wordy. Maybe I'm too much of a "make words count" advocate, but you seem to drag your sentences on. When your sentences are short, they're blissfully so. When not, they drag on and on, but don't really chain their thoughts together well; putting a hefty toll on the reader's "rhythm" and ultimately making them want to put the reading aside or stop reading just to take a breath. Compare the last two sentences to see how that works.

Really, I'm going to just plop some advice I have in another thread on here, and I can go into more detail if you need it.

Words have to flow from one sentence to the other, and it really relies entirely on the ear and good sense. The only suggestion for this is read a lot. All writers have a distinct style, and it's a good practice to "shop around" with writing and learning what works and what doesn't. It doesn't hurt to learn from professionals. Look around, figure out what works and what doesn't, and incorporate it into how well things work for you.

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Make every word count. The importance of this cannot be stressed enough. The difference between long winded writing and strong writing isn't the number of words, its the function of the words. Do not mistake brevity for under-speaking, simply make every word count.

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Writing is a sound-based form of communication. If you can answer the question "What sound does A make?" then you know that writing is just a way of attaching symbols to sound. Because of that, writing also has a "voice" that speaks to the reader as he reads. This voice is comprised of several parts, including vocabulary, word flow, and placement.

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[Word flow] is largely a function of syntax, vocabulary, and grammar, but says a lot about a piece if it is well cared-for. Words have a rhythm and function, and tailoring these to fit a certain tone can make up part of a voice. If you are trying to make the reader tense and anxious, it benefits you to run your sentences at length without break or respite from the ceaseless hammering of words, phrases, concepts, ideas, ideals, and letters. If you wish a reader relaxed, hand him a drink. It all has to do with the "sound" of writing, and can easily be tailored to match a mood with enough practice. Know that sentence length has a lot to do with how the reader will feel.

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Style is unique to each individual, and a result of existing. Style cannot be sought out and self-taught, it is pre-existing. People favor writing certain ways, using certain words, and thinking along certain lines. By those criteria, style is created simply by a person writing. Because of this, tailoring a writing style is a bad idea. It creates a fictional tone that is unbecoming and inaccurate to the writer. Style is what the writer likes, and should be maintained to the writer's personal style, not by trying to emulate another's.

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Always consider the point of view when writing. Point of View determines how the audience sees the story. It is also an integral part of a narrative style. First-Person means we are seeing the story through the eyes of the narrator. Like a voyeur in the protagonist's head, we see what s/he sees, feel s/he feels, and nothing else. That means that this character is shaped by how they observe the world. When walking into a packed ballroom, does the protagonist see the other patrons' outfits? Does the protagonist notice the devout Victorian architecture? Or maybe they notice that all of the guards are wearing both ankle and shoulder holsters, most of which are unsnapped. Considering a character's point of view makes a bit difference with characterization, and makes up part of that character's voice.

 

[Cylem]

I really liked this. Your description of the house was a good balance of thoroughness and simplicity. The action moves at a good pace too.

The only thing that really stood out for me negatively, was the weird, clipped flow of sentences. Jumping from topic-to-topic is reasonable once in a while, especially in a story told in first person. Used too many times in succession, though, it makes it difficult to concentrate. The first paragraph had only six sentences, yet mentioned the light, the moon, Jomeil's stealthiness, and blinking--and I ended up missing the first part of that on the first read-through. Once you get into it, though, you seem to hit your stride and things are gravy from there-on-out.

 

[Bocaj2000]

snip

Sorry, I got excited
I was also talking more to myself than you and I didn't realize it haha. But yeah, no amount of advice compares to practice. Keep writing short stories and you'll discover everything that we're telling you on your own. Don't underestimate your intellegence.