Poll: How good is my writing?
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Don't worry, I take pretty much all criticism as constructive, unless it's just someone being rude (E.G.: "Your writing sucks! Do better!"). I'm not a fan of dashes, just as I'm not a fan of semicolons (one of my friends pointed out that I used a comma at one point that should have been a semicolon). I tend to misuse them, and would rather not use one, instead of misusing one.Joselyn said:Staccato can be quite effective when writing, but I feel you have too much going on- you're sentences are all really short and detached, thus losing the effect of the staccato? Maybe longer sentences and more punctuation would help with your style of writing? I notice you use a lot of commas when a dash would suit better? This is constructive criticism by the way, no offence intended! Good luck with your writing
That's more or less what I try/tried to do. Good to know I'm not alone.scifidownbeat said:
About the bold parts: I think you mistook what perspective I'm going for. It's not supposed to be omniscient third, but just "third". I only intend to show one person's thoughts. As for the lock-picking, I tried to make it sound like it was nothing important, to imply that he was used to having to do that type of thing.NewClassic said:
As for the non-bolded: Can you give me a book you liked by Pratchett? And dry wit... Depending on your definition, I have a tendency to do that in longer writing. An "acquaintance-I-deem-my-father-despite-him-not-being-so" inspires me in that manner. The "wordiness" bit I find difficult to grasp, as I hate that kind of writing myself. And the comment about my sentences being "blissfully short" is difficult to process because it's the exact opposite of what everyone else has been saying.
And as for the quoted: Basically, that all just reaffirmed things I already knew, though it was a nice refresher, regardless.
I gave it a two, not that its bad though. Try using more description, methaphors, similies ect.. Also try fixing your lure, its pretty dull
I posted this only partially for the constructive criticism.Bocaj2000 said:Sorry, I got excitedAjna said:
I was also talking more to myself than you and I didn't realize it haha. But yeah, no amount of advice compares to practice. Keep writing short stories and you'll discover everything that we're telling you on your own. Don't underestimate your intellegence.
I'm actually looking more for what I'm doing right than what I'm doing wrong. If I can find out what I do well (which, so far, the consensus seems to be is "imagery"), I can try to emphasize that. It's like a book I was reading a while back said. "Focus on your strengths, because then you'll be stronger overall in that area, rather than mediocre in an area you're poor in." I'm unsure as to why I used quotation marks on that sentence when it was a summary. >.<
Lure being the first sentence, or the cliffhanger I added at the end?pimppeter2 said:
As I said in the first post: "I've been trying to get a bit better at writing lately". Also, as it said in the same post, I came up with the idea today. I don't have any more examples of my writing on hand. Well, my creative writing, at least. I have a few of my non-creative writing, but nobody wants to hear my horribly written (in hindsight. At the time, I thought it was amazing) essay on why we need to legalize prostitution. >.>Kogarian said:
Thanks for that. I've been getting the idea from several comments on this piece that I need to make my characters think like most people, and not like me. When I gave it to a friend of mine in real life, her comment was "You need to make the sentences longer, they're all too short." When I asked her if she thought in long sentences, she said "Yes.". I don't think in long sentences. Hence why my writing on the boards is broken up into short sentences and by commas...Cylem said:I really liked this.
The only thing that really stood out for me negatively, was the weird, clipped flow of sentences. Jumping from topic-to-topic is reasonable once in a while, especially in a story told in first person. Used too many times in succession, though, it makes it difficult to concentrate. The first paragraph had only six sentences, yet mentioned the light, the moon, Jomeil's stealthiness, and blinking--and I ended up missing the first part of that on the first read-through. Once you get into it, though, you seem to hit your stride and things are gravy from there-on-out.
I actually summarized it in a different thread that was about prostitution. I'll edit it in to this post in a minute or two. It's saved on my flash drive (I think)... I also have another I made on Civil Rights that I botched (again, in hindsight), mainly because I had enough material for 14 paragraphs, but only enough time (my fault, not the teacher's) for seven.Kogarian said:
Probably not formatted correctly anymore, as I noticed some italicized text and such in the version I copied this from. I'm just too lazy to format this the right way... God. I wrote that essay ages ago. I barely remember it... >.<My essay ("Legalization of Prostitution") said:
Oh, yes, and I intend to write more and post them on here. Maybe once or twice a week. Again: I want to get my juices flowing. I only have this piece because I happened to have a notebook and a pencil on me at the time the idea hit me. And it hit me as "morse code with a flashlight", so don't ask how I got this out of it. >.>
I'm currently in a creative writing course, and so far I've learned about showing and telling. Only first year, so I don't have too much experience. Anyway, showing and telling.
For those who don't know, showing is where you imply something, whereas telling is explicitly stating. The difference can be difficult sometimes, especially when a sentence says many things. Most of the time, showing is more effective.
This is telling rather than showing. You have the imagery of someone who doesn't bother with plants, yet you go on to explicitly state it. What I would say is "Dead plants wilted over the sides of the planter boxes just by the door, hanging down to a filthy watering can lying on its side." or something similar. The idea is to convey the idea that the guy doesn't give much of a shit about gardening without actually saying it, making the imagery more effective.
Moving on to a more general point.
The writing just seems to come across as slightly dry to me. A little more vividity could make this good idea into a great story! There's a good basis here, just needs developing.
For those who don't know, showing is where you imply something, whereas telling is explicitly stating. The difference can be difficult sometimes, especially when a sentence says many things. Most of the time, showing is more effective.
Why remember to water plants when the planter boxes are empty?
This is telling rather than showing. You have the imagery of someone who doesn't bother with plants, yet you go on to explicitly state it. What I would say is "Dead plants wilted over the sides of the planter boxes just by the door, hanging down to a filthy watering can lying on its side." or something similar. The idea is to convey the idea that the guy doesn't give much of a shit about gardening without actually saying it, making the imagery more effective.
Moving on to a more general point.
I think this could really be developed further. As it stands, it seems rushed. Perhaps the picking the lock bit is okay - it is quick, after all - but that last sentence seems weak. How about "He opened the door and stepped through - into someone's shadow.", only much better.
The writing just seems to come across as slightly dry to me. A little more vividity could make this good idea into a great story! There's a good basis here, just needs developing.
I agree with what other have said about the vocabulary. Every writer should have a thesaurus handy during his rough editing process. You also use very few adverbs. I see a few spots where an adverb would improve the flow.
Another thing is the separation of information into paragraphs. Ask yourself what you're trying to convey in each paragraph and focus on it. I used to make an outline before I even started writing. For your first two paragraphs I would have had one that described the setting ending with the character and then started the second one with the character taking action.
Another simple concept to keep in mind is "show, don't tell". My writing improved once I really embraced that idea. For example: in your first paragraph, you have a sentence that starts with "It was night...". Once you mention the moonlight and the darkness, your reader will pick up on that.
Aside from the plot and character development, your goal in fiction should be to immerse the reader into the world. To do that, you have to first immerse yourself in the world. You don't acknowledge many of the senses. What did the air feel like? Was it damp and cold?.. or warm and dry? Is it windy? What are the ambient noises? Crickets? People? If there's no sounds, then say something about the silence.
Try to use colorful verbs. Verbs can subtly deepen the reader's view of a character as well as an adjective without making your writing seem bloated or overly direct. Don't miss those opportunities.
Consider:
"He walked down the street."(Says almost nothing about the character.)
"He strut down the street."(He's confident or at least faking it.)
"He limped down the street."(He's possibly old or injured or gansta.)
"He shambled down the street."(He's depressed or maybe a zombie.)
Having said all that, there's certainly nothing wrong with: "The man sat in the chair." if that's the sort of pacing the story needs at the time.
After you write something, read it outloud to yourself. If it seems awkward to say it probably isn't going to flow well in the reader's mind.
Another thing is the separation of information into paragraphs. Ask yourself what you're trying to convey in each paragraph and focus on it. I used to make an outline before I even started writing. For your first two paragraphs I would have had one that described the setting ending with the character and then started the second one with the character taking action.
Another simple concept to keep in mind is "show, don't tell". My writing improved once I really embraced that idea. For example: in your first paragraph, you have a sentence that starts with "It was night...". Once you mention the moonlight and the darkness, your reader will pick up on that.
Aside from the plot and character development, your goal in fiction should be to immerse the reader into the world. To do that, you have to first immerse yourself in the world. You don't acknowledge many of the senses. What did the air feel like? Was it damp and cold?.. or warm and dry? Is it windy? What are the ambient noises? Crickets? People? If there's no sounds, then say something about the silence.
Try to use colorful verbs. Verbs can subtly deepen the reader's view of a character as well as an adjective without making your writing seem bloated or overly direct. Don't miss those opportunities.
Consider:
"He walked down the street."(Says almost nothing about the character.)
"He strut down the street."(He's confident or at least faking it.)
"He limped down the street."(He's possibly old or injured or gansta.)
"He shambled down the street."(He's depressed or maybe a zombie.)
Having said all that, there's certainly nothing wrong with: "The man sat in the chair." if that's the sort of pacing the story needs at the time.
After you write something, read it outloud to yourself. If it seems awkward to say it probably isn't going to flow well in the reader's mind.
You lost me with the dry eyes comment. Oh, I plowed through the rest of it, but I wanted to stop at the dry eyes. That line was lame.
You do need more work on making things flow. I suspect you're young or at least new to writing because your description is unsure. Unsure description, of both objects and actions, tends to overcompensate. You are unsure of how to communicate things, so you do so with as much detail as possible, hoping this gives the reader a clear, accurate picture. In fact, it does no such thing because the verbose description tends to confuse and/or encourages people to stop reading altogether. The problem with giving so much information is that it makes it easier for the reader to miss any important information or it makes it easier for you to forget to write down the important information
The action also does not flow very well. It almost feels like RPG turns. The brief amount of action here flows somewhat like this:
He was sitting in a chair.
He decided to stand up.
He lifted himself up off the chair and stood on his feet.
"My word," he said. "That was exciting. Now I am standing on my own two feet."
Yes. It reads a lot like this. Particularly here:
"Jome started down the hill, trying not to stumble and fall. He reached the bottom of the hill, and crouched down. "
Basically:
He walked down the hill.
He reached the bottom of the hill.
Kind of moment-to-moment right there. This could have been better combined into a single sentence with much of the extraneous information omitted.
I mean, why do we care that he was trying not to stumble and fall? Isn't that a given? Or is stumbling and falling something he's likely to do? Is he a cripple assassin? What gives?
Incidentally, I had no idea that this was supposed to be a medieval setting until I read the comments. I thought the flickering light was a florescent bulb on its last legs.
You do need more work on making things flow. I suspect you're young or at least new to writing because your description is unsure. Unsure description, of both objects and actions, tends to overcompensate. You are unsure of how to communicate things, so you do so with as much detail as possible, hoping this gives the reader a clear, accurate picture. In fact, it does no such thing because the verbose description tends to confuse and/or encourages people to stop reading altogether. The problem with giving so much information is that it makes it easier for the reader to miss any important information or it makes it easier for you to forget to write down the important information
The action also does not flow very well. It almost feels like RPG turns. The brief amount of action here flows somewhat like this:
He was sitting in a chair.
He decided to stand up.
He lifted himself up off the chair and stood on his feet.
"My word," he said. "That was exciting. Now I am standing on my own two feet."
Yes. It reads a lot like this. Particularly here:
"Jome started down the hill, trying not to stumble and fall. He reached the bottom of the hill, and crouched down. "
Basically:
He walked down the hill.
He reached the bottom of the hill.
Kind of moment-to-moment right there. This could have been better combined into a single sentence with much of the extraneous information omitted.
I mean, why do we care that he was trying not to stumble and fall? Isn't that a given? Or is stumbling and falling something he's likely to do? Is he a cripple assassin? What gives?
Incidentally, I had no idea that this was supposed to be a medieval setting until I read the comments. I thought the flickering light was a florescent bulb on its last legs.
Well J.K. Rolling and twilight's... she who shall not be named... were both accused of plagerism after wrighting popular novels(which i thought you were going for with this one). I mean that ubisoft would sue if you had a popular novel that had a assasin's creedish character. Just speculating on the way the story was going from that point... yes that was a bit of a stretch for a relation between your story and ubisoft's.Ajna said:
Thought I'd pick it apart as I'm in the mood to distract myself from dissertation. Ok, let's see what we got:
As he watched, the light from the old house flickered
from the hilltop, the dim moonlight was enough to see by, but would not betray him to watching eyes
As he watched, the light from the old house flickered
From the hilltop, the dim moonlight was enough to see by, but would not betray him to watching eyes. He forced himself to blink, momentarily breaking his vigil
By seperating fragments and not using periods, you heighten the sense of fragmentary thought without irritating staccato, but not everything can be written this way, embrace the art of punchy sentences: readable brevity!
this was his first chance to inspect the building at close range
it was a squat building, although the contact had informed him of a cellar
Remember to avoid modern measurement in a fantasy style (I assume that's what this is) as this breaks immersion again, just describe the building. Also the description starts well but is very overwritten, simplicity is king. You're also reaching the wrong conclusion, if they're empty then they're unused, if the plants are dead the owner hasn't seen them as they never go out (dead pehaps?) or no longer live in the house. Planter boxes are also very modern for Jomeil and Taresk.
He slipped inside, carefully and quietly closing the door.
He had not expected the dark figure to be in his way
Bit more description, bit more tension, jobs a good one.
Who do you remind me of? You need to find your own voice more before you can really be compared to anyone. If you're going to keep up the staccato malarkey then I'd go for Mark Haddon, though he only used that for The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime because the narrator had Aspergers, so that's not technically his style. Actually, if you had slightly better structure, you could do a very poor man's Brett Easton Ellis impression. You're not really comparable to any big fantasy writers I know as they've got a great storytelling voice, embracing the long, rambling paragraph to take you on a wonderful journey to another world. Read Stephen Donaldson or R.A. Salvatore for how to write fantasy properly...
Right, what light? I see what you're doing here, using alienation for atmosphere, but give the reader something to latch on to descriptively. I'd prefer:Ajna said:
As he watched, the light from the old house flickered
Immediately, the sentence "the moon was a waxing gibbous" gives me the image of the narrator with a white beard smoking a pipe. You're giving us too much information (especially giving us his name so early), the trick to storytelling is simplicity:Ajna said:
from the hilltop, the dim moonlight was enough to see by, but would not betray him to watching eyes
Your sentence fragmentation is killing your flow, you clearly write from a stream of consciousness but you need to express that with more developed syntax. Adopt your own, non-standard way of structuring your prose, for example:Ajna said:
As he watched, the light from the old house flickered
From the hilltop, the dim moonlight was enough to see by, but would not betray him to watching eyes. He forced himself to blink, momentarily breaking his vigil
By seperating fragments and not using periods, you heighten the sense of fragmentary thought without irritating staccato, but not everything can be written this way, embrace the art of punchy sentences: readable brevity!
Stick with his full name, you've only just introduced him so don't introduce the nickname until, I don't know, another character calls him by that name.Ajna said:
Firstly, avoid conversational tone "looked like what" is sloppy english. Be clear, concise and clean, try looked exactly how for a better impression. Secondly, if you're going to introduce other characters without them being present, maybe wait until they appear, call him the contact or something appropriate. Thirdly, "yards off" is awkward because "off" coupled with distance tends to mean great distance, try to side with "away". Finally, if he's been staring at it for a while, he knows what it looks like. Watch out for flawed logic, it catches the readers attention and breaks their immersion, even though I know what you mean, you haven't said it right, I'd try:Ajna said:
this was his first chance to inspect the building at close range
Don't use brackets, you aren't writing a school report, word it so the character is 'inner monologuing' i.e.:Ajna said:
it was a squat building, although the contact had informed him of a cellar
Remember to avoid modern measurement in a fantasy style (I assume that's what this is) as this breaks immersion again, just describe the building. Also the description starts well but is very overwritten, simplicity is king. You're also reaching the wrong conclusion, if they're empty then they're unused, if the plants are dead the owner hasn't seen them as they never go out (dead pehaps?) or no longer live in the house. Planter boxes are also very modern for Jomeil and Taresk.
A bit better but still needs work. "Speaking of" is our old friend conversational tone. If he can see the porch he would slip up to the house rather than around it. Be a bit more descriptive here: Gently, he tried the door though that's a small problem. Take more time describing his need for silence, you've established he doesn't want to be seen, build it here, and add the lockpicking to this. It's a noisy task and should be more tense, given his need for stealth. You want to shock the reader with this last line, so "surprised" is a terrible choice of words, it conjurs up 'pleasantly', I imagine the guy is holding a balloon. The whole thing needs better structure for more of a cliff-hanger ending. If I may:Ajna said:
He slipped inside, carefully and quietly closing the door.
He had not expected the dark figure to be in his way
Bit more description, bit more tension, jobs a good one.
Who do you remind me of? You need to find your own voice more before you can really be compared to anyone. If you're going to keep up the staccato malarkey then I'd go for Mark Haddon, though he only used that for The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime because the narrator had Aspergers, so that's not technically his style. Actually, if you had slightly better structure, you could do a very poor man's Brett Easton Ellis impression. You're not really comparable to any big fantasy writers I know as they've got a great storytelling voice, embracing the long, rambling paragraph to take you on a wonderful journey to another world. Read Stephen Donaldson or R.A. Salvatore for how to write fantasy properly...
Why on earth do people think I'm going with assassin's creed? For the love of hojo, the idea this originally stemmed from was the practice of using a flashlight to convey morse code!dmase said:
Fact is, why do people think he's an assassin? I'd think an assassin wouldn't stumble down a hill...
