Poll: how long should one wait before going out with a friend's ex?

[nelsonr100]

Just saw this thread as I'm in a very similar situation.
I have started seeing the ex of one of my good friends. They were in a relationship for about 3 and a half, almost 4 years - A pretty serious relationship! Myself and the girl in question always had good chemistry and had been very good friends for as long as I've been friends with the guy.
About 7 months after they broke up we were at a party together and it just happened, we decided to start seeing each other properly shortly afterwards. I waited until I was sure it was a relationship before telling my friend. One of the MOST difficult conversations of my life. But I did it in person, to his face and he was the first to know. In my opinion the most respectful way possible.
Currently he's not talking to either of us, but I hope he will come around in the future. Its a tricky one anyway. I say, if you decide you like the girl a lot, as I decided, then go for it, you don't often get these chances!

 

[manic_depressive13]

Woah waaaaaaaaaaaay off limits. There's a good chance you'll lose a friend if you pursue her, even if he claims to be fine with it. It's up to you whether you want to take that risk.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Hmmm. A lot of people seem to being with the 'bros before hoes' crap, I'm not sure if people had been through the experience they would. My girlfriend's ex was a friend of mine (I say friend, we never got along great, but we were in the same group of friends. He was kinda a douchebag.) and we got together shortly after they broke up. Frankly I don't believe we did much wrong (except for one thing, thanks to alcohol), we talked to him first and he accepted what was going on, provided we were discreet for a while (although I don't think he liked the idea much). Yeah sure, I can't imagine he was very happy about it, but us not being together isn't going to make his pain suddenly go away either. The way I see it is that one of us can be unhappy, or all three of us can be unhappy. We should not have been made to suffer just to pander to his longing for something that he cannot have.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Hmmm. A lot of people seem to being with the 'bros before hoes' crap, I'm not sure if people had been through the experience they would. My girlfriend's ex was a friend of mine (I say friend, we never got along great, but we were in the same group of friends. He was kinda a douchebag.) and we got together shortly after they broke up. Frankly I don't believe we did much wrong (except for one thing, thanks to alcohol), we talked to him first and he accepted what was going on, provided we were discreet for a while (although I don't think he liked the idea much). Yeah sure, I can't imagine he was very happy about it, but us not being together isn't going to make his pain suddenly go away either. The way I see it is that one of us can be unhappy, or all three of us can be unhappy. We should not have been made to suffer just to pander to his longing for something that he cannot have.

I know you are too young to realize this yet, but your friends are FAR more likely to be long term than your girl.

I'm eighteen, not twelve. I'm not entirely sure your point either, I wasn't keen on being friends with the guy, and by the time they broke up none of our friends were. He lied, stole and was generally a manipulative douchebag.

I'm aware that our relationship probably isn't going to last forever, but if we hadn't been together, it would be one of those horrible 'What if?' questions that would haunt me for a very long time.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Hmmm. A lot of people seem to being with the 'bros before hoes' crap, I'm not sure if people had been through the experience they would. My girlfriend's ex was a friend of mine (I say friend, we never got along great, but we were in the same group of friends. He was kinda a douchebag.) and we got together shortly after they broke up. Frankly I don't believe we did much wrong (except for one thing, thanks to alcohol), we talked to him first and he accepted what was going on, provided we were discreet for a while (although I don't think he liked the idea much). Yeah sure, I can't imagine he was very happy about it, but us not being together isn't going to make his pain suddenly go away either. The way I see it is that one of us can be unhappy, or all three of us can be unhappy. We should not have been made to suffer just to pander to his longing for something that he cannot have.

I know you are too young to realize this yet, but your friends are FAR more likely to be long term than your girl.

I'm eighteen, not twelve. I'm not entirely sure your point either, I wasn't keen on being friends with the guy, and by the time they broke up none of our friends were. He lied, stole and was generally a manipulative douchebag.

I'm aware that our relationship probably isn't going to last forever, but if we hadn't been together, it would be one of those horrible 'What if?' questions that would haunt me for a very long time.

Right, you are 18, not 28 or 38. You don't know yet what a post-highschool long term friend is worth.

And if you didn't like hanging out with him then he wasn't a friend so it doesn't apply in the same way as if he actually was your friend.

Well, technically speaking I haven't been in school since July, but I see what you mean, if it had been one of my other friends then I would have been more patient and sympathetic. There were a few other factors involved, but that's by the by.

I think, even for situations other than mine, I do have a point. If the new partner has given enough time and has tried to talk to the old partner, I think the old partner is wrong to say that they would never accept them being together. I guess it depends on the circumstances of how the relationship ended too, but then I can't imagine the new partner would be interested in someone who has hurt their friend like that. Friendship is a two way thing, if the old partner is going to let their friend be unhappy because they're incapable of moving on then they're a shitty friend. I'm not saying that they should not care, or that their ex should be able to jump straight into bed with his friend, but their ex is going to date someone at some point, wouldn't they rather it was someone they knew and trusted rather than some stranger?

 

[game-lover]

Well, technically speaking I haven't been in school since July, but I see what you mean, if it had been one of my other friends then I would have been more patient and sympathetic. There were a few other factors involved, but that's by the by.

I think, even for situations other than mine, I do have a point. If the new partner has given enough time and has tried to talk to the old partner, I think the old partner is wrong to say that they would never accept them being together. I guess it depends on the circumstances of how the relationship ended too, but then I can't imagine the new partner would be interested in someone who has hurt their friend like that. Friendship is a two way thing, if the old partner is going to let their friend be unhappy because they're incapable of moving on then they're a shitty friend. I'm not saying that they should not care, or that their ex should be able to jump straight into bed with his friend, but their ex is going to date someone at some point, wouldn't they rather it was someone they knew and trusted rather than some stranger?

I don't see why someone they know would be much better than a stranger. In my opinion, I'd figure it'd be worse. At least they don't always have to see the stranger and the ex around. Personally I'd think it'd be much harder to swallow knowing that your friend is doing all the things with your ex that you used to do. Any mind movies that'd be forthcoming would be miles worse, I believe.

Best case scenario, it's complete and total awkwardness all around.

 

[A Raging Emo]

If your mate and their ex were in a serious relationship, then it's completely off limits.

Other than that? A couple of months.