Poll: I have a crush on a friend. Please help?!

[Carnagath]

Having been through the exact same situation as you 2 times, and having spoken to them, I can only say that both of them were a disaster. It's really unlikely to escape the friendzone, it has happened sometimes to people I know (well, only one person actually) but I wouldn't get my hopes up, be prepared for the worst. We're still friends with both of them, but I wish we weren't, because every time I see them I feel like shit. But... they call me and I don't want to sound like an asshole, neither do I want to give them the satisfaction of telling them that "Look, I don't want to be friends anymore because it's too hard for me".

In my opinion, what would improve your chances (slightly) is to be casual and confident about it, don't be dramatic and don't use scary words (I saw you mention "love" in your post, do not use that word). Then again, I did it in the best way I could think of, in a nice environment, on a night out alone, when we were both in a good mood, with a slight smile on my face, told them that I liked them in a non-friendly way and believed that we fit, asked them what they thought, and yeah...well, they didn't. Could be because I'm fucking ugly though. That always fucks things up. Sadly, it's easier to wade through a number of drunken unknown chicks at bars in case you find something worthy than go after one person that you know and trully appreciate.

By all means do it though. In the end, it's better to feel like shit because something didn't work than to feel like shit because something might have worked but you didn't have the courage to make sure.

 

[funguy2121]

Alrighty, time to get my first post on...

I have a friend, who's a girl. We have been very good friends for the past year and over that time I have developed very strong feelings for this girl. The reason I haven't acted on them is because for that year she was going out with someone else.

She has since split up the the guy, but is obviously heartbroken from it. The problem here isn't timing when I should ask her out or anything like that, it's more if I should do it at all, as I have become a pillar of support to her through her breaking up with the other guy.

We have become practically best friends over the last year, and we speak quite frequently. Should I lay my cards on the table and risk being shot down (which I don't mind) or losing a friend (which I do), or should I just keep quiet?

(This is mainly to the women here) If your best friend told you he has a huge crush on you, what would be your reaction if you didn't feel the same way? Would you still be able to be friends with him, knowing he loves you?

Any advice is good advice here.

Thanks

Edit - Alrighty, seems like an overwhelming yes. Now it's a question about timing. She split with the guy in question on 1st May. I have a holiday planned with her and a mutual (male) friend, but this is the final week of June. I was kinda planning on telling her during this holiday, but is that too far in the future?

When is a good time after a girl has split with a guy for another guy to move in on her?

Don't ask too many people, you'll just get conflicting advice which gets overwhelming after a while.

There is never, ever, ever a good time to tell someone you've been friends with for a while that you have feelings for her, so you're just going to have to do the best you can and hope she reciprocates. You truly never know. The longer you wait, the worse you will be when you tell her, so the worse the situation will potentially get. It seems like you don't care about any of that player bullshit, so I'd tell her that you know she's going through something, and you're there for her, but you want to let her know that you have feelings and want to explore those possibilities if/when she's ready. It's tricky to say something like that with confidence. You'll very likely look like a vulture for doing so - how long you look like a vulture will have a lot to do with how you act afterward. If you keep driving that point home, and she's said "no" or "I can't deal with this right now," you will almost definitely lose her. Putting the ball in her court (got I hate cliched anachronisms) lets her feel like she has power over that decision, and wording it as something you would like the two of you to do together instead of you wanting to pursue her tends to work better on friends.

Grain of salt. I certainly don't know everything. It's strange and painful and unenviable, the position you're in. Just please, please remember that she is not the only girl in the world.

 

[Random Argument Man]

Alrighty, time to get my first post on...

Bla bla bla or snip*

She has since split up the the guy, but is obviously heartbroken from it. The problem here isn't timing when I should ask her out or anything like that, it's more if I should do it at all, as I have become a pillar of support to her through her breaking up with the other guy.

Snip Snip*


Edit - Alrighty, seems like an overwhelming yes. Now it's a question about timing. She split with the guy in question on 1st May. I have a holiday planned with her and a mutual (male) friend, but this is the final week of June. I was kinda planning on telling her during this holiday, but is that too far in the future?

1.When you're the pillar of support, you're mostly at the center of the "friend zone". It's worth the shot to try, but don't become that "friend" if she says no.

Note* That "friend" is mostly someone who've asked you and says it was ok to remain friends, but he/she stops talking to the person and stays distant for fear that things may get complicated. Besides, there's other fishes in the sea.

2. 1rst of May?!?! When someone makes a move after a break up, they're treated as the rebound and you won't feel like someone loves you. You'll only feel she's using you.

That, or she'll say no because she doesn't want a relationship right now.

2nd Note* I'd have to say that your chances are pretty slim, but you better try it anyway. There's nothing worst than waiting with some piled up stress.

 

[Adamd1990]

Wrong forum. The Advice Forum is the best place for this

My bad dude, I've never ever been a part of forums, still getting my bearings. Good point though.

 

[kinggamecat]

You must be brave, tell her how you feel! Maybe not now, but when she's ready for another relationship, even if she rejects you you'll get an answer and she'll have something to concider, love is one of the most powerful emotions I can think of and have ever felt! I say tell her, ya got nothing to loose, and things will likely only get weird between you two if ya go into a relationship and it goes wrong, even then ya still gotta express yer feelings! I love love, and I feel the need to spread it! So go forth! tell her how you feel! I hope you find love! also sorry for sounding cheesy, I get passionate about this sort of topic ^///^;

 

[Bohemian Waltz]

The question you should be asking yourself is, "Is there any romantic/sexual chemistry between us?". (if you can't tell you ought to work on you're ability to read people)

If the answer is simply no. Then you should do your best to forget your romantic interests in that person, rather than bring that sort of uncomfortable situation to light.

If the answer is yes/i don't know. Then you might as well try your luck.

The answer you're looking for is dependent on a lot of factors and information not given. For example describe in detail how she behaves around you.

 

[MindBullets]

You do have a good point when you say I should hang out with her more to find out how I would feel, but the problem with that is that she is at university about 100 miles away until mid June, making that hard.

Also, if it is a simple crush, I've had this simple crush for almost a year now and it isn't fading in the slightest...

I've held a simple crush for about a year too. Didn't make it any more meaningful, trust me. What does make it meaningful is if they reciprocate, which in my case was apparent that it wasn't going to happen. Well, apparent after I had a bit of a epiphany anyway.

The distance thing does complicate things, so I'm not sure what to tell you. Above all, I guess, if you are going to confess your feelings don't just blurt it out or you'll probably scare her off. Tread lightly.

Best of luck to you, man. Hope things work out for you.

 

[lettucethesallad]

Depends really. Is she sending any signals about liking you back? How long did she date her previous boyfriend? Chances are 2 months won't be enough to get over someone. Are you sure this is what you want - really? Weigh your pros and cons carefully. I guess it all boils down to a) if you think you've got a shot, and b) if it's worth it. If the answer is yes to these questions, I'd say tell her.

Oh, and I've had male friends with crushes on me. I've also been friends with men I've had crushes on. It's a little awkward right after the whole 'it's not gonna happen' moment, but if you give it some time it usually sorts itself out.

 

[Adamd1990]

Depends really. Is she sending any signals about liking you back? How long did she date her previous boyfriend? Chances are 2 months won't be enough to get over someone. Are you sure this is what you want - really? Weigh your pros and cons carefully. I guess it all boils down to a) if you think you've got a shot, and b) if it's worth it. If the answer is yes to these questions, I'd say tell her.

Oh, and I've had male friends with crushes on me. I've also been friends with men I've had crushes on. It's a little awkward right after the whole 'it's not gonna happen' moment, but if you give it some time it usually sorts itself out.

She's not sending any signals I can detect, but we are quite flirtatious when we are together. She was with her ex for about 10 months I think, and I want to get it off my chest at the very least. I don't care if I have a shot or not, it's bugging me and has done for a long time. Thank you though

 

[lettucethesallad]

Depends really. Is she sending any signals about liking you back? How long did she date her previous boyfriend? Chances are 2 months won't be enough to get over someone. Are you sure this is what you want - really? Weigh your pros and cons carefully. I guess it all boils down to a) if you think you've got a shot, and b) if it's worth it. If the answer is yes to these questions, I'd say tell her.

Oh, and I've had male friends with crushes on me. I've also been friends with men I've had crushes on. It's a little awkward right after the whole 'it's not gonna happen' moment, but if you give it some time it usually sorts itself out.

She's not sending any signals I can detect, but we are quite flirtatious when we are together. She was with her ex for about 10 months I think, and I want to get it off my chest at the very least. I don't care if I have a shot or not, it's bugging me and has done for a long time. Thank you though

Then go for it, and good luck to you!

 

[Purkki]

I think I have quite the same situation, but I'm just too shy to try things out.

 

[DRSH1989]

I'm not good with relationships, but if you really like her in that way, try to make it obvious more or less directly... it's better than waiting to get noticed.

 

[Adamd1990]

I think I have quite the same situation, but I'm just too shy to try things out.

Give me a month, I shall try. Then I'll tell you how it went.

 

[Moromillas]

Yes, yes you should. Now let me tell you what's gonna happen when you do, so you're ready for it. She will say "I value you too much as a friend" or something to that effect, at which point you need to tell her this is why you can't hang out with her any more. And if she is even the slightest bit of a decent person she will respect that and stay away.

If you do stay with her as a 'friend only' each time you see her and miss her it will slowly, little by little chip away at your soul until you are the very shell of a person you once were, eventually destroying the friendship in the process.

 

[kortin]

I recently had a similar problem. Her boyfriend was being a jerk, so I helped her. I talked to her, I'd wait for her to get on so I could talk to her. I spent a year doing this. Eventually I worked up the courage to tell her my feelings for her. And she just shot me down. I promise though, I don't feel nearly as disappointed with myself for telling her than I did when I hadn't of told her.

Take a leap of faith and hope that you land in the hay.

 

[Fledge]

Join me here:

http://encyclopediadramatica.ch/Friend_Zone

It's horrible.

 

[kinggamecat]

Alrighty, time to get my first post on...

I have a friend, who's a girl. We have been very good friends for the past year and over that time I have developed very strong feelings for this girl. The reason I haven't acted on them is because for that year she was going out with someone else.

She has since split up the the guy, but is obviously heartbroken from it. The problem here isn't timing when I should ask her out or anything like that, it's more if I should do it at all, as I have become a pillar of support to her through her breaking up with the other guy.

We have become practically best friends over the last year, and we speak quite frequently. Should I lay my cards on the table and risk being shot down (which I don't mind) or losing a friend (which I do), or should I just keep quiet?

(This is mainly to the women here) If your best friend told you he has a huge crush on you, what would be your reaction if you didn't feel the same way? Would you still be able to be friends with him, knowing he loves you?

Any advice is good advice here.

Thanks

Schrödinger's cat

seriously, look it up... i might have heard about it in "Big Bang Theory" but it actually applies neatly with your dilemma

so anyway, if she is your friend and you are her friend, you being in love with her wont change that, and please, you really care about friendship when you could be having a really meaningful relationship with her?

also!!

As true as it is did you get that from the big bang theory? Because that was basically what Sheldon said about Penny's feeling towards Leonard.