Poll: Is it wrong to befriend someone that is attracted to you?

[Moromillas]

In my household, because there are a lot of girls there is a lot of 'girl talk' and I overhear some of it sometimes. Yet, something I heard today really struck me.

One was contemplating breaking off a relationship, as they 'didn't want a boyfriend right now.' It was suggested that maybe they should just be friends, "Whoa, hang on a second - Isn't that a bit sadistic?"

To my understanding, wouldn't the likelihood be high for said person with the attraction, to cling to hope that someday they might get together? Hence keeping them in dating limbo. What about talking to or spending time together as "just friends"? If you couldn't (or didn't have the opportunity to) give them a hug, or kiss, or whatever, or get her/him something nice, would that not be excruciatingly painful?

So, is it wrong to befriend someone that is attracted to you? Or, maybe there's nothing wrong with it, and he/she should just suck it up and learn to live with it. If you do vote no, I guess I would like to know the reasoning behind that. Or maybe it's best that I don't know? I donno.

 

[Gunner_Guardian]

Depends on the situation and the person I guess. Some can suck it up and just be friends, some can't.

 

[Flare Phoenix]

Up to the person with the attraction. If they're okay with been friends with the person they're attracted to, fine. If not, it is up to them to make the decision not to be friends wit that person.

 

[Ham_authority95]

In my household, because there are a lot of girls there is a lot of 'girl talk' and I overhear some of it sometimes. Yet, something I heard today really struck me.

One was contemplating breaking off a relationship, as they 'didn't want a boyfriend right now.' It was suggested that maybe they should just be friends, "Whoa, hang on a second - Isn't that a bit sadistic?"

To my understanding, wouldn't the likelihood be high for said person with the attraction, to cling to hope that someday they might get together? Hence keeping them in dating limbo. What about talking to or spending time together as "just friends"? If you couldn't (or didn't have the opportunity to) give them a hug, or kiss, or whatever, or get her/him something nice, would that not be excruciatingly painful?

So, is it wrong to befriend someone that is attracted to you? Or, maybe there's nothing wrong with it, and he/she should just suck it up and learn to live with it. If you do vote no, I guess I would like to know the reasoning behind that. Or maybe it's best that I don't know? I donno.

As long as you clearly state "hey, you're cool and everything, but I don't like you as anything more than a friend.", it shouldn't be a problem.

After you tell her that, it's in her ballpark to move on to someone else.

 

[Celtic_Kerr]

In my household, because there are a lot of girls there is a lot of 'girl talk' and I overhear some of it sometimes. Yet, something I heard today really struck me.

One was contemplating breaking off a relationship, as they 'didn't want a boyfriend right now.' It was suggested that maybe they should just be friends, "Whoa, hang on a second - Isn't that a bit sadistic?"

To my understanding, wouldn't the likelihood be high for said person with the attraction, to cling to hope that someday they might get together? Hence keeping them in dating limbo. What about talking to or spending time together as "just friends"? If you couldn't (or didn't have the opportunity to) give them a hug, or kiss, or whatever, or get her/him something nice, would that not be excruciatingly painful?

So, is it wrong to befriend someone that is attracted to you? Or, maybe there's nothing wrong with it, and he/she should just suck it up and learn to live with it. If you do vote no, I guess I would like to know the reasoning behind that. Or maybe it's best that I don't know? I donno.

Normally, I would say, you're 100% right, but I found that girls tend to do something that guys don't. I am not trying to stereotype, I am making an observation that I have seen

I liked a girl once, but she had a bf. When mentioned feelings to my friends, they would tell me that the girl mentioned I was cute and that if she were single, she'd ask me out. I'm not one to steal a man's girl, so I just hung out with her on a few occasions. Turned out we had alot in common and hit it off. Well one day she broke up with her bf and I gave her some time to cope. Do to personal issues in my own life, I wasn't there to comfort her in her time of sadness. About a month later I approached her and asked her out, and so she said "That woudl be nice, but you're simply too good a friend. I wouldn't risk something bad happening and us not being able to be friends if it didn't work"

THis is known as the pathetic "Friend zone" where I seem to find ladies put friends that they really get along with great in a certain area, and no matter how much they like that person, they aren't willing to take a chance to see if anything can happen, so the two of them basically just stay friends never knowing what it would be like. It mike work out, but she's not willing to risk it.

It's seen as sadistic pretty much

 

[Moromillas]

Added "depends."

 

[MassiveGeek]

Depends.

There's a guy in my class, whoms attracted to a girl in my class - he flirts shamelessly with her, gropes and clings on her a lot, completely ignoring the fact that she has a boyfriend, whom she loves and wishes not to break up with.
In this situation, the problem lies with both "participants"; he's respectless to her, and she's a spineless wuss for not telling him to leave her alone. So in this case, the nicest thing to do is for her to slap his hands off her and tell him to stop being an obnoxious douchebagm because what she's doing now is encouraging him to act like a twat.

In this case, it is cruel to be friends with someone that's attracted to you.

But if both people can accept the facts and just be buddies, then I don't see why not(however, this is rarely the case, mostly one of them would feel discomfort being with the other person. At least I would).

 

[Exosus]

At the end of the day, they're an adult and if they choose to put themselves in a situation they find unpleasant that is their concern. You don't have a responsibility to save them from themselves, and they should be self-aware enough to know whether they can have a friendship without getting torn up about it or not.

 

[Terminal Blue]

It strikes me though that this is the kind of advice which people give because it makes them sound 'nice' but very few people actually follow it through. What will probably happen is that they'll try being friends, the guy in question will be wierd about it and the girl will be able to push him off to a safe distance without feeling like its her fault.

But that might be a bit cynical of me. I'm friends with all my exes.

THis is known as the pathetic "Friend zone" where I seem to find ladies put friends that they really get along with great in a certain area, and no matter how much they like that person, they aren't willing to take a chance to see if anything can happen, so the two of them basically just stay friends never knowing what it would be like. It mike work out, but she's not willing to risk it.

I don't want to be mean or rub anything in, but I think you're misunderstanding.

Girls won't outright tell you they're not attracted to you because they know a lot of men can't take that, so instead they come up with something along the lines of 'it might have worked but X.' Where X might be 'I'm not ready for a relationship' or 'you're too good a friend for me to risk it'. Think about it though. If you were really attracted to someone, wouldn't you try to hint it to them even before you made friends with them? If she made no such move, she was probably never attracted to you in the first place.

The culprit here is the fact that most men don't seem to get genuinely platonic cross-sex friendship and always assume that if a girl likes them they must simultaneously be attracted to them. It's not true.

 

[TheRundownRabbit]

The girl I like knows I like her, but we're just friends. The only problem is things get a bit awkward sometimes. (I am actually gonna confront her later today and tell her the way I feel is more than "like")

 

[Ampersand]

I picked no, mostly because I really don't want it to be.
I've been told before never to make someone fall for you if you don't intend to catch them, but for a reasonably simple play on words, it's a ridiculously hard thing to practice. All you can really do is be yourself and if someone likes you for you, you can't just cut them out, especially not when you were friends to begin with.

 

[Exosus]

Normally, I would say, you're 100% right, but I found that girls tend to do something that guys don't. I am not trying to stereotype, I am making an observation that I have seen

I liked a girl once, but she had a bf. When mentioned feelings to my friends, they would tell me that the girl mentioned I was cute and that if she were single, she'd ask me out. I'm not one to steal a man's girl, so I just hung out with her on a few occasions. Turned out we had alot in common and hit it off. Well one day she broke up with her bf and I gave her some time to cope. Do to personal issues in my own life, I wasn't there to comfort her in her time of sadness. About a month later I approached her and asked her out, and so she said "That woudl be nice, but you're simply too good a friend. I wouldn't risk something bad happening and us not being able to be friends if it didn't work"

THis is known as the pathetic "Friend zone" where I seem to find ladies put friends that they really get along with great in a certain area, and no matter how much they like that person, they aren't willing to take a chance to see if anything can happen, so the two of them basically just stay friends never knowing what it would be like. It mike work out, but she's not willing to risk it.

It's seen as sadistic pretty much

I've been guilty of putting people in the friend zone a couple times and I'm a guy. At the end of the day I expect far less from my friends than from my lovers, and there are some people I can look at and say "You and I will never, ever work as a couple" but still enjoy their company as a friend.

At the end of the day I can tell if I'm going to be able to maintain a relationship with someone without having to experiment the same way I can tell if I'm going to be able to have a friendship with someone without having to experiment. I know my own preferences, I know what I will and will not accept in a relationship, and trying to overcome that is just going to end in tears. As I said before, it's the choice of the individual to decide whether they want to be friends with me - if you only want a relationship and you can't be my friend, then by all means sever contact. You look out for yourself and I'll look out for myself and the world will be a better place.

EDIT: That being said, I've always been extremely clear that nothing is ever going to happen and they shouldn't wait around hoping things will change - hope is the greatest evil which befalls mankind for it prolongs his suffering inevitably.

 

[Irony's Acolyte]

Eh, I don't really like the idea of "friend-zoning" someone. I know that its nicer than just totally blowing someone off, and there is a chance that once the two participants get to know each other more, they'll realize that a relationship beyond friendship may or may not be a valid idea; but it probably smarts like hell to be friend-zoned. I know I wouldn't feel all that great being told "I'd rather us just be friends", and if the person is doing it simply out of pity, it would hurt even more. I myself have had to sorta "friend-zone" a girl before because I wasn't really attracted to her, but at the same time she was a friend who I valued.

Relationships like this can get really messy sometimes because people are really exposing their inner feelings and can get hurt really easily. Which is why I would really attempt to go after a girl unless I had good reason to believe that she would return the affection. Which of course means that I'm entirely risk-averse in looking for relationships as well as constantly single, but that's a whole 'nother deal...

 

[Ham_authority95]

The girl I like knows I like her, but we're just friends. The only problem is things get a bit awkward sometimes. (I am actually gonna confront her later today and tell her the way I feel is more than "like")

You should just freaking ask her out, then. You have nothing to loose except a few minutes talking to her.

 

[Celtic_Kerr]

Normally, I would say, you're 100% right, but I found that girls tend to do something that guys don't. I am not trying to stereotype, I am making an observation that I have seen

I liked a girl once, but she had a bf. When mentioned feelings to my friends, they would tell me that the girl mentioned I was cute and that if she were single, she'd ask me out. I'm not one to steal a man's girl, so I just hung out with her on a few occasions. Turned out we had alot in common and hit it off. Well one day she broke up with her bf and I gave her some time to cope. Do to personal issues in my own life, I wasn't there to comfort her in her time of sadness. About a month later I approached her and asked her out, and so she said "That woudl be nice, but you're simply too good a friend. I wouldn't risk something bad happening and us not being able to be friends if it didn't work"

THis is known as the pathetic "Friend zone" where I seem to find ladies put friends that they really get along with great in a certain area, and no matter how much they like that person, they aren't willing to take a chance to see if anything can happen, so the two of them basically just stay friends never knowing what it would be like. It mike work out, but she's not willing to risk it.

It's seen as sadistic pretty much

I've been guilty of putting people in the friend zone a couple times and I'm a guy. At the end of the day I expect far less from my friends than from my lovers, and there are some people I can look at and say "You and I will never, ever work as a couple" but still enjoy their company as a friend.

At the end of the day I can tell if I'm going to be able to maintain a relationship with someone without having to experiment the same way I can tell if I'm going to be able to have a friendship with someone without having to experiment. I know my own preferences, I know what I will and will not accept in a relationship, and trying to overcome that is just going to end in tears. As I said before, it's the choice of the individual to decide whether they want to be friends with me - if you only want a relationship and you can't be my friend, then by all means sever contact. You look out for yourself and I'll look out for myself and the world will be a better place.

EDIT: That being said, I've always been extremely clear that nothing is ever going to happen and they shouldn't wait around hoping things will change - hope is the greatest evil which befalls mankind for it prolongs his suffering inevitably.

Well if you know you won't work as a couple, that's one thing. However the whole sadistic nature of "Friend-zoning" come from the fact that You both WANT to try, you both THINK it might, but one of you simply won't take a chance to make it work, because on the off chance that it might not work and your friendship isn't 100% the same again.

If you think it won't work then it's technically friend zoning

 

[MrTim]

In many of the dating sites that I frequent, most of teh girls want to be "Friends first," which is perfectly fine - if I was on a friends website. No, i'm on a DATING website, so that implies I want dates. If things don't work out and we decide later to just be friends, thats fine. Really that has been the case so far, but If I am attracted to someone I go towards that first, with the friends thing being a follow up.

 

[LawlessSquirrel]

Was about to vote No, as a definite, but you do raise an interesting point. This is what happened with me and my ex, and while it wasn't awkward, we didn't see contact other directly for quite some time. Not avoiding each other or anything, but the shift in status is a bit disorienting at first.

Nowadays, I've moved on, but I hear whispers that she's still interested. So, I still vote that no, it's not wrong, but like with any form of break-up, shouldn't be done trivially.

 

[Ham_authority95]

By the way: The "friend zone" is absolute bullshit made up by internet dwellers who over-complicate things to cope with their romantic failures.

Women either like you or they don't. There isn't a magical "zone" where all women allocate you to if you're too nice to them (pfft)

Women also don't like it when you talk about "friend-zoning" or else they'll think you're a creep.

Being "just friends" with a girl isn't a bad thing either because they most likely have MANY more friends who are female. Hell, if she's nice enough, she'll probably try to hook you up with one of them...

 

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

I don't think there is much validity to claiming it's "wrong", you could do it...that doesn't mean it's a good idea though.

You guessed right, people do let their imagination take them to places that are unrealistic.