Poll: Isn't crying about the deceased pointless?

[rabidmidget]

The things that make us human are not always the things that make us logical.

Feeling sad doesn't have to be a means to an end.

 

[dillinger88]

As per the first response. Crying and sadness is a reactionary thing.

When my nan, grandad and best friend died (separate occasions) I was really fucking sad because I loved them. I didn't then actively think "I better cry now because it might make me feel better". It just happened because that's the natural response. I find that I'm able to keep tears back better then most people I know, but it still happens.

Unless you're asking "why is (for some people) crying a natural response to sadness/someone dying?", then I'd have to say I have no idea.

I see your point though, if you're one to hold back on emotions then someone telling you you're heartless is fucking retarded, some people just don't cry. However, implying that those of us who cry are just robots programmed to feel sad and cry when someone dies is just as offensive to us as it is someone telling you that you're heartless.

 

[drosalion]

I tend to agree essentially. A funeral/wake should be a celebration of someones life, not a mourning of their death. The way we go about these things in society is completely the wrong way round. Theres no reason that it cant be a time of joy as you remember all the good times you all had together with the individual and reminisce over all the fond memories, yet instead its a sad sombre affair that if you arent already depressed going into it - you sure as hell will be afterwards.

The worst (or perhaps just most unexplainable) is religious people who believe in Heaven who also find deaths and the loss of a loved one a tragedy. Its incredibly selfish and all about "oh ill never get to see that person again", when really you should be like "wow lucky bastard he gets to go to heaven with our lord im so happy for them, and in due time ill be reunited with them!".

I dno, I just think if you were able to see your own funeral yeh it'd be touching that people cared about you, but i'd just feel bad that i've made them all feel bad. Id much rather people laughing about something funny that we did together or sharing movies/pictures/music and just having a celebration of life while of course acknowledging they will be missed, yet not being depressed about it.

 

[Insanity72]

I used to cry when family members died, but now since i've been to 3 funerals (Mother, Grandma and Uncle) at the age 16, I have accepted that people come and go and now i only get sad if it were someone in direct relations (Dad, brother, girlfriend etc.)

 

[XHolySmokesX]

I am fortunate enough to have not experienced my very close relatives deaths in my life so far, but a few of the people i used to go to school with have passed.

As far as crying goes, it's a method of grievance, for me the closer the relative the more tears, it's an atuomatic process whcih has a degree of 'flow control' lets say.

I don't have anything against grieving, i would encourage it to an extent, but i believe it is more important to celebrate the lives of the desceased and remember the good times and the growth you have shared with that person rather than remaining sad that you will never see them again.

I have this believe that in death you have ultimate peace, as you can no longer feel fear, pain or any kind of suffering, and it has been found that moments before death our brains release a surge of hormones, endorphins and brain chemicals allowing us to die in a state of euphoria.

Ps: isn't excessive moarning over death kind of selfish? You're being sad becasue YOU never get to see them again, not because they are suffering.

 

[Kirex]

We grieve for the reasons I stated earlier. There are big differences in how people do it and while it seems your family is more authoritarian and posing about their grief it isn't the universally agreed upon model which is enforced everywhere. In my experience most Nordics tend to be reserved about showing grief, even at funerals, but tend to keep such things private.

Not my whole family to be exact, my mother is fine with it. Still, the others look at me like I'm Satan.

Now, you were right about me (somehow) answering my own question: Relieving stress it is.
But I still don't understand why it's blown out of proportion, and as I already clarified to Thomas:
I'm not talking about people dying because of an accident.

Maybe it's just my location(Germany), but sometimes this whole mandatory-grieving makes it worse for some members of the family. I've had a friend who just wanted to get it over with, because he didn't want to do anything, he just wanted to be alone and think about life and death, that would've been better than his whole family pulling him to the funeral where he got depressed because of the direct confrontation - he wanted that, too, but not at that time. He wanted to wait a while, then just go to the grave and say thanks to his dead grandfather, but no, he had to go there, listen to the stupid speech and it was way worse for him than it could've been.
So, my problem would also be that you're told how to grieve, I really don't get that. Can't everybody just do his thing? I think that would also solve my other problem: People wouldn't make this "public crying session" out of it and I understand, if it's your way to relieve stress, fine, cry, punch walls, do whatever. But why does everybody have to behave how they want him to?

 

[PingoBlack]

To the OP:
Crying is not as much about the deceased ... it's about the survivors.

It's a reaction of our bodies and brains, used to relieve extreme stress. Something that is quite common under duress, as I'm sure you yourself will remember.

So yeah, crying is appropriate and healthy in such a situation. And much safer than trying to not cry when you are that stressed.

In your case, you seem to have more of a problem because your reaction is unusual to some level. Nothing strange with it though, as long as you don't get in confrontational situation about it. You should understand why people around you feel the need to cry and hopefully, they will understand why you don't.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

It is pointless if you look at it from a detached rational perspective. But you are not crying FOR the deceased, you do it for yourself. Sometimes you can't hold your emotions, and it isn't healthy to keep them all inside for very long anyway. So when someone close to you dies, that's your chance to cry not just because of that event but because of everything you've been holding in.

 

[Soviet Steve]

So, my problem would also be that you're told how to grieve, I really don't get that. Can't everybody just do his thing? I think that would also solve my other problem: People wouldn't make this "public crying session" out of it and I understand, if it's your way to relieve stress, fine, cry, punch walls, do whatever. But why does everybody have to behave how they want him to?

Ah, this makes more sense to ask - Some cultures stress rituals a lot more than others. I would say that for collectivist minded people there is prestige in signalling unity of the family unit by showing how hard it is to lose someone within it.

To a far more extreme degree this was also displayed in Communist nations when Stalin, Mao and Kim Il Sung died - The head(s) of the collective desire outward prestige by showing that their collective is united.

"Keeping up appearances" would be the short answer, I don't condone such behaviour though.

 

[sharks9]

I haven't ever had anyone close to me die, though I assume I will cry when they do.

 

[kickassfrog]

Yes, it is pointless, but having said that, I still do it anyway.
I've cried at one of the two funerals of relatives who died while I was old enough to understand death, and cried when I heard the news of the others death.

I still have the same opinion as my grandad did, and that would be saying "What the bloody hell are you all crying about?" at my own funeral. As long as you live a good life which causes people to be sad, they shouldn't be sad- they should be celebrating the positive difference you made to all their lives.

 

[phantasmalWordsmith]

I think I read somewhere that the body releases some kind of endorphin to make us feel better when we cry, thus we cry when upset to make ourselves feel better. I'm not sure though, I might be confusing it with laughter

 

[SckizoBoy]

It's the affectionate connection that drives us to be sad, not the fact of the matter.

This...

Because you have 3 responses to stress: emotion oriented response, problem oriented response, and avoidance. Since with dealing with a death, you can't take the problem oriented approach (i.e. doing something about it, cos y'know...can't reverse a death) you have to either avoid the problem altogether, or deal with it emotionally. Since denial is generally a bad thing, most of the time you'll vent your emotions through crying. We don't exactly choose to do it, we just have to. It isn't pointless because it helps us feel ever so slightly, fractionally better individually.

... and this, form the relevant facets of my answer.

snip

So, what you're wondering is... why do we mourn those who have lived a good life, as opposed to celebrating the achievements of said good life?

...

Yeah, I don't get that either. When my Great-aunt dies, you can bet I'm going to be sad, but am I going to cry? No, I'm not. I'll dredge up the letters that we exchanged, grin at how shit my handwriting was, and remember all the good times the family had with her. I might visit her grave, tell her how I'm doing and hope she's doing OK too, wherever she may be. She's already lived a productive and fulfilling life, so when she dies, no-one's going to regret anything. And the cynic in me is going to smirk 'at least she doesn't have to share the same polluted air as us cretins any more'.

However, I have mourned with full waterworks twice in my life, because I couldn't do a damned thing about. Once when my first girlfriend died and again when my second girlfriend gave birth. No man with a heart should endure that without tears if he wishes to recover from such tragedy. I'm not proud that I cried my eyes dry on both occasions, but I sure as hell wasn't ashamed, even if it was in public, 'cos I couldn't stop it and it had to be done.

 

[Vault101]

yeah its pointless but you know thease funny things called emotions take over hard logic

I mean the fact is you liked this person, and now they are gone from your life they have ceaced to exist, that really sucks, it sucks enough for you to cry and its not somthing you can control

 

[Darknacht]

My family tends to celebrate the life of the dead rather then mourn the loss. The exception in my family is the persons spouse typically mourns the person though not always by crying, this is more from a feeling of being left behind by a person that was not just close to them but a part of them. This does typically create awkward situations at the wake for more recent friends of the dead who come and cry while my family and typically the closer friends of the dead laugh and tell happy stories of the persons life. This is in part because this is just how we prefer to do things and in part because my family tends to have very long life spans. Some in my family have even lived so long that they eventually decided that at 100+ they had completed everything they wished to, told the family that they were ready to pass on and willed them selves dead.

 

[BlueMage]

Crying is a reactionary response to sadness.

We can't help how we feel.

It also has an emotionally-numbing effect similar to laughing. Basically, crying is the body/mind's method of emotional self-anesthetization. This is also why some people laugh at funerals.

These are base emotional reactions. There's nothing particularly shameful about it. A real man can express his feelings secure in the knowledge that he's still a man. A coward ... well, cowards tend to hide things well - sometimes folks don't even realise they're cowards.