A loooong time ago when I had a different account that I don't use any more I posted a short story for critique. Now, at least a year later I picked it back up and revised it. I am currently working on the second chapter and hope to make it a series. This is the revised first chapter, please tell me what you think and be brutal.
The Hunters
The prey was near. My ears perked up and I new the pack would be satisfied tonight. I gazed toward the moon and howled to rally the brethren. Grey was first to arrive, then Fang, Claw, Tail, Stalker, Night, and Prowl. "Alpha!" Stalker called. "Have you found them?" "Yes, they haven't gotten past the creek yet," I replied. "Why chase them if you weren't able to keep them in the pack?" sneered Prowl. "Be careful with what you say to your superiors." I snarled. "Tail, Stalker, and Night, you will take the front," I said. "Fang and Claw," "Yes?" the twins replied in unison. "You will hide in the cave and ambush them if they run." "Prowl, you're with me." "What?! Why?!" "So that I can keep my eyes on you," I growled dismissively. "Grey, you will be the forward scout." I said. ?What can I do if they find me?? ?Prowl and I will stop them.? Grey was scared. He was one of our best trackers but his age is taking its toll. "This night will end with the blood of the traitors." An hour later we were ready. "I don't need you" snarled Prowl. "Shut up." I replied. Then we saw the prey. The moon was the only light; the wind wailed softly, it was quiet. My senses heightened as I slowly became a predator. Everything became more detailed, the snow under my paws, the wind blowing through my fur, and the smell of the prey. Then I heard the howl. For a moment the world seemed to come to a halt as I tried to comprehend how we had been found. Then I looked up and saw Prowl, in plain site, trying to challenge them alone. YOU ARROGANT, REBELLIOUS FOOL! I screamed in my head. Then he pounced, but Wraith, the leader, was fast. No sooner had Prowl landed than he was killed. Instinct took over. We all charged like we were starving. I pounced on one and made quick work of him. Then I locked eyes with Wraith. We lunged at each other. I Missed and landed on my feet and he collided with a rock. I charged him, teeth bared. He scraped my shoulder and I sunk my fangs into his neck. I didn?t let go until he was still. "An eye for an eye." I said. The ones that weren't dead already fled when they saw their leader?s fate. They didn?t notice the twins until it was too late. I howled triumphantly and the others joined in. As the liquid crimson blanket across my pelt glistened in the moon light, the message was clear. This forest is ours.
The Hunters
The prey was near. My ears perked up and I new the pack would be satisfied tonight. I gazed toward the moon and howled to rally the brethren. Grey was first to arrive, then Fang, Claw, Tail, Stalker, Night, and Prowl. "Alpha!" Stalker called. "Have you found them?" "Yes, they haven't gotten past the creek yet," I replied. "Why chase them if you weren't able to keep them in the pack?" sneered Prowl. "Be careful with what you say to your superiors." I snarled. "Tail, Stalker, and Night, you will take the front," I said. "Fang and Claw," "Yes?" the twins replied in unison. "You will hide in the cave and ambush them if they run." "Prowl, you're with me." "What?! Why?!" "So that I can keep my eyes on you," I growled dismissively. "Grey, you will be the forward scout." I said. ?What can I do if they find me?? ?Prowl and I will stop them.? Grey was scared. He was one of our best trackers but his age is taking its toll. "This night will end with the blood of the traitors." An hour later we were ready. "I don't need you" snarled Prowl. "Shut up." I replied. Then we saw the prey. The moon was the only light; the wind wailed softly, it was quiet. My senses heightened as I slowly became a predator. Everything became more detailed, the snow under my paws, the wind blowing through my fur, and the smell of the prey. Then I heard the howl. For a moment the world seemed to come to a halt as I tried to comprehend how we had been found. Then I looked up and saw Prowl, in plain site, trying to challenge them alone. YOU ARROGANT, REBELLIOUS FOOL! I screamed in my head. Then he pounced, but Wraith, the leader, was fast. No sooner had Prowl landed than he was killed. Instinct took over. We all charged like we were starving. I pounced on one and made quick work of him. Then I locked eyes with Wraith. We lunged at each other. I Missed and landed on my feet and he collided with a rock. I charged him, teeth bared. He scraped my shoulder and I sunk my fangs into his neck. I didn?t let go until he was still. "An eye for an eye." I said. The ones that weren't dead already fled when they saw their leader?s fate. They didn?t notice the twins until it was too late. I howled triumphantly and the others joined in. As the liquid crimson blanket across my pelt glistened in the moon light, the message was clear. This forest is ours.
