The Great Divide
Throughout history a great divisive debate has raged, brother has turned against brother. The struggle goes on ceaselessly. Two titanic forces clash, neither gaining any headway against the other. I speak, of course, of that endless quandary, which are better waffles or pancakes? We all inherently take a side because, let?s face it, they?re both so great. Now obviously I, a learned and right thinking man, fair on the waffle side of the spectrum. I believe that waffles are better than pancakes for four reasons: texture, organization, certainty, and purity
First, they are crispy. This gives the waffle perfect texture that far surpasses the redundant fluffiness of pancakes. Second, waffles are a true symbol of order, civilization, kindness, and caring as we know it. The benevolent waffle takes in the syrup refugees and gives them places to stay where they can congregate with one another. It is also much like an ideal communist union where everyone gets their fair share of things, thus creating a perfectly civilized and orderly breakfast food. While the pancake, in all its flatness, merely lets the syrup run wild and cause havoc and anarchy everywhere. Then finally in a desperate effort to restore order, the pancake lets the syrup leave and try and make it on its own. This, however, is a futile effort since the syrup realizes that it cannot survive on the plate and eventually spreads back to the other side of the pancake further saturating it and making it thoroughly soggy, and thus ruins what was once a passable substitute for waffles if no waffles were to be had.
Third, waffles are not trying to be something they aren't. Waffles are the same color throughout their being, while pancakes are brown on the outside and white on the inside. Pancakes try to appear different yet fail miserably because the disguise only works if you look at the pancake from the top or the bottom, but at the sides you see its true nature. Why can't the pancakes just be secure with what they are? They need to be happy with themselves, not try and emulate others.
It is true that pancakes absorb the flavor of butter more than a waffle would, but is that due to an inherent superiority of the pancake's or the waffle's? The waffle is strong and capable of great moral certitude when it comes to its identity. The waffle remains uncorrupted by those that would change it from its rightful form, while still capable of embracing the flavors that those who would influence it bring.
The pancake is incapable of retaining its true self when set upon by other flavors of syrup and butter. The pancake ceases to be a pancake so much as a conduit of buttery, syrupy forces that seek to control and overpower the pancake's natural fluffiness by weighing it down into a sodden lump. Sadly, I fear that the pancake simply lacks the strength of character to tell the butter and syrup when enough is enough. Not only that but the pancake, when overcome by these foreign agents, is all too willing to throw its problems to another of its kind, causing the cycle to repeat ad infinitum. While the waffle handles its own problems with remarkable efficiency.
Keep in mind the waffles texture, organization, certainty and purity next time you wake up and try to make breakfast. You?ve just woken up after a long, hazy night of partying. Maybe taking that special purple candy you were offered wasn?t the best idea? You come across a pancake and waffle mix recipe that someone must?ve stapled to the inside of your skull because, God, does your head hurt. You think breakfast might be the best decision you?ve made in a while. So, you ransack your cabinets and find out you?ve got just enough for one batch. So you combine your flour, sugar, baking powder, soda, and salt into your mixing bowl. Then you look around for a whisk, only to realize that you?re not entirely sure where the one whisk you have is. Sure, it may have fallen into the abyss when you weren?t looking, but it could just be next to the sink with more dried cake batter on it than you could even fathom washing off, this, early in the morning. You look in your silverware drawer to use a fork but then notice that someone must be stealing your stuff because all the forks are gone. The only solution now is to use the chopsticks you got from that Chinese place you love so much, the one with the great rangoon, that you didn?t use. You quickly realize that, while a single chop stick is in fact a long-stick-like-impromptu-stirring-implement, it only ranks slightly above a badger when it comes to mixing batter. So now you?re stirring your batter in just about the most ineffective way possible. That?s when you come to a crossroads. At this point the batter you?ve been completely unprepared to make could become waffle or pancake mix. Now, it?s time to choose to change for the betterment of yourself or continue to wallow in this ill prepared, unorganized existence you?ve made for yourself. Side against the chaos, make the waffle.
