Poll: Relationship gone a bit off the rails, advice?

[reblock13]

So fellow escapists, I understand the whole connotation about posting for opinions in this field and whatnot, but the thing is, in my personal life, this is kind of something I can't talk about except to a select few. Basically, I'd gotten into my first real relationship almost 6 months ago and everything was fine until about 3 months ago, when we had to be separated but were still able to keep contact and occasionally see each other. We never really fought about much, if ever we did it was my general lack of prior knowledge about something. But recently, (as in within the past few days) she told me that we weren't able to make things work anymore because she was getting very in-touch with her religion again and I was always one to shy away from the topic cause it's never helped me. So now she is telling me that we have to be apart to either rebuild our relationship correctly and I'd have to turn back to Christianity or we can't possibly have a future. Personally, I know she's going through a lot lately and I think this may be her way of coping but she wants to cut all contact with me. She means so much to me though, what is your opinion on what should I do?

 

[Doctor Teatime]

Your religion, or lack thereof, is a matter between only you and yourself and it sounds like she's made her position pretty clear. Relationships with mixed faiths can work but since she doesn't seem interested in one there isn't much you can do.

 

[Blitsie]

Personally, after having your post stew in my mind a bit, it sounds like she's really being unfair. So she's going though a tough patch, okay that happens to everyone, and she decides to switch to religion for help, definitely understandable, but basically saying "either choose my religion to maybe be with me in the future or we're done forever, lol" is absolute trite. Forgive my words but hinging a whole relationship on one aspect like that is downright petty.

But alas that's just my thoughts. Maybe talk to her for now, so far it sounds like she put her opinion on the table but you have yet to share yours, tell her how you feel and just discuss it, maybe reach a conclusion regarding what direction the relationship will head into and just take things from there.

Just prepare for the worst regardless, worst case scenario #1: She dumps you, you spend a week or three fixing a broken heart and move on as a better, stronger person, ultimately finding an even better woman for yourself since you have some decent experience now. Worst case scenario #2: She dumps you, the above happens but instead you find each other again later and make things work this time because you both have grown. Just be sure to get over her if she actually dumps you, do not turn into "that" guy, trust me.

I hope for the best for you,things seem tough now but I trust you'll end up at the other side just fine regardless of what happens.

 

[Grach]

Try to reconnect with her. Tell her that whatever she's going through is easer with your support (if she wants it). Tell her that you're willing to support her when she's down and couldn't let yourself watch her have problems and not helping.

Well... That's what I'd do.

 

[Mr. Charles]

Personally I've just exited a relationship were she made a similar ultimatum - now this was a two year relationship so I really fought to make it work but at the end of the day I realised that she didn't really love me for who I was and to stay together any longer was just going to hurt us both - don't break up streight away - try to make it work but be prepaired to walk away - remeber to thine ownself be true. Good Luck

 

[reblock13]

Appreciate the support, I definitely can't blame her as I knew what I was getting into, it's just that I never realized giving up on something I'd invested so much in would be so difficult, It's been a few days and I have a bit of a cleared head and I'm going to distract myself with a new hobby. I hate feeling so apathetic on the matter, but in this case I think I'm going to wait this out.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

One of my all-time favorite sayings regarding relationships: there is no such thing as negotiated desire. If a girl doesn't want to be with you as you are, you cannot change *for her* without seeding resentment within yourself. This resentment will always manifest as a serious issue later in the relationship.

You can, of course, change for yourself (and reap the benefits of her natural increase in affection thereafter), but I wouldn't necessarily classify "totally reassessing your views on religion, or else" as self-improvement - not when it's clearly spurred by an ultimatum.

Oh, and ultimatums are, practically without fail, the end of any healthy relationship. Think of them as desire negotiated at gunpoint. You are far, far better off pursuing other women. A lot of them actually won't withhold intimacy in exchange for major lifestyle changes. But just to be safe, hit the gym and read some stuff. Chances are good a combination of competition anxiety (generated by the interest of other women) and even subtle increases in your "market value" will have her reconsidering her stance on you. If not, you really don't want her anyways.

 

[Yopaz]

If she can't be with you because of religion then just terminate the relationship. You can't make yourself believe in something and nor should you attempt. I don't know if you're an Atheist or what you are, but you don't pick a religion just because some chick asks you to.

My advice would be to break things off completely unless she can accept you for who you are.

Edit: Let me add that mutual respect in a relationship is important. Let her know that you respect her belief even if you don't really share it.

 

[SGTFulmer]

Let her go. Hopefully in time she will see that making religion a prerequisite in a relationship is stupid.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Let her go. She can't use the fact you've been going out for 6 months to blackmail you into changing your religion. Let her go if she can't deal with it. Don't' stay with her out of fear you won't find anyone else. You will, trust me.

 

[Smooth Operator]

"Conform to my wishes or we are done" that my friend is the sound of a train coming and you stand dead center of it's path, obviously you can still play along but a relationship where peoples hands are forced is just filled with resentment.

So I would advise to get give the lady time to figure her things out, as in let her go for now, you will find others that can get along with you much better and even she might some day see it that way.

 

[Illesdan]

This is just slightly below 'Well, I'm pregnant, so now we HAVE to be together; for the sake of the child.'

Just break off friendly, and if you move or change numbers, pass them along through mutual contacts if you still haven't moved on, but for your future happiness and sanity, I hope you do. Because in this type of 'My Way or the Highway' situation, where will it end? You go along with the whole religion thing, then what's next? You can't be around friends/family you knew before we met and/or are not religious? You can't go anywhere without me? You can't listen to that kind of music or watch that show because 'its Satanic'?

As you can see, its all a very slippery slope when you decide to give in to something that isn't you. Its great that you found this out now while you can still run, then find out later when there's more at stake.

 

[Maple Syrup]

This looks like the start of a very bad phase. If you bow to your SO's irrational wishes (especially a life changing one like this) they will be constantly wanting more and more irrational things from you. Who knows where this will lead? Let's hope it doesn't go as far as "I don't want you to hang out with this girl anymore, she doesn't look like a good Christian" or "Don't play Dark Souls, it's sinful" - Forgive me if I sound biased but if a person is asking you to commit to a religion if you want to be with them, it's not unnatural to expect something like this. I am sorry about where your relationship is going, but if she can't make compromises like, you know, loving you for who you are, I think the answer is clear.

Personally, I believe a healthy relationship is built on mutual don't care.

 

[reblock13]

How old are you? To me it sounds like she's being pressured. You know how strict christians can be.

By comparison to most around here, probably quite young. I'm 17 and she is just a bit younger. I know we were both brought up differently as I took the world as I saw it, but she's lived a bit more of a sheltered life and has turned to her beliefs mostly as a sort of penance and grew up in a religious household.