Poll: Should I give her a second chance?

[badgersprite]

If you don't trust someone, don't be with them. That's the biggest, most blaring sign that a relationship isn't right for you.

 

[spartan231490]

Ok, I just realised that this is in fact a rather good place to see about something I've been thinking about of late.

So, basically, a month or two ago, my girlfriend dumped me. While I would have been 'ok' (as 'ok' as one can be about such situation) with this, she did this in, in my opinion, a rather careless, immature manner. Basically, she stopped talking to me about a week beforehand (telling me she was 'busy with work'), and then sent me a short email saying she no longer had feelings for me and that she was sorry. However, that email didn't actually arrive, so I in fact found out after she had set her FaceBook status to 'single'. Considering I made it very clear to her that I had very strong feelings for her, I felt a bit hurt that she didn't at least give me a phone call.

However, I decided I'd forgive her. I reasoned that she had always had fears about discussing serious things with people directly (as she feared that such an action would degrade into angry insults thrown at each other), and I also reasoned that she's received enough shit from other people, and thus she didn't deserve to receive such anger from me, too. So, I decided that I would give her a bit of time, and then discuss whether we could remain as friends with her.

This was until about half a week later, when I found out (again, through a FaceBook status), that she had started going out with one my best friends. On top of this, I also know that there was only one time in recent times that they would have been able to meet up (both me and my friend go to universities, and are thus rather far away from my ex), and that was during the time we were going out.

So basically, I am about 80% certain that something happened between them during that time... yay -.-

At that point I decided enough was enough. Her seemingly careless manner in which she dumped me was hurtful on it's own, but cheating on me with my best friend (and, also, not actually telling me the truth that she was dumping me for my best friend) really isn't something I forgive so easily. Being on the other side of the country, it was pretty easy to cut all connections from her and block her access to me where possible.

Now, a month or so has past, and I've been pondering that action - was it really right to just cut her off like that without even trying to consult her upon the matter first? Afterall, while I am pretty sure that she cheated on me, there is no definitive confirmation that such a thing was the case. Furthermore, despite everything, I honestly believe that she isn't the type to play with a person's feelings so carelessly. I've been considering trying to make contact with her, not to try and get back together, but just to try and set the record straight.

So, Escapists, do you think this is a good idea? Shall I talk to her and see if she really did so callously stab me in the back? Or do I just leave things as they are, never talk to her again and go happily along with my life? (which, believe me, I can do very easily - this won't leave me traumatised even if it remains the way things are) Any opinions are appreciated

As ever, here is a juggling video (to those who don't know, I make it a custom to add a juggling video to each of my threads):


edit: I find it strange that this thread received twice as many views and 3 times as many posts as my eating disorder thread, in a fraction of the time, when I consider the eating disorder a much more serious issue... XD Thanks for all the posts though, and thanks for all you're advice

Yes, definitely give her a chance. I probably wouldn't date her again, but if you write her off as a ***** and never talk to her again, you'll regret it. I would at least talk to her and see if she what her side of the story was. I think you will regret it if you write her off without at least giving her a chance. and if you don't date her, it's not like she can cheat on you again.
I find it curious that you don't mention cutting off contact with your friend. If you can forgive him enough to stay friends, isn't it a bit hypocritical to stop all communication with her? friendship should require the same amount of trust.

 

[Yureina]

Spoiler: Narf

Ok, I just realised that this is in fact a rather good place to see about something I've been thinking about of late.

So, basically, a month or two ago, my girlfriend dumped me. While I would have been 'ok' (as 'ok' as one can be about such situation) with this, she did this in, in my opinion, a rather careless, immature manner. Basically, she stopped talking to me about a week beforehand (telling me she was 'busy with work'), and then sent me a short email saying she no longer had feelings for me and that she was sorry. However, that email didn't actually arrive, so I in fact found out after she had set her FaceBook status to 'single'. Considering I made it very clear to her that I had very strong feelings for her, I felt a bit hurt that she didn't at least give me a phone call.

However, I decided I'd forgive her. I reasoned that she had always had fears about discussing serious things with people directly (as she feared that such an action would degrade into angry insults thrown at each other), and I also reasoned that she's received enough shit from other people, and thus she didn't deserve to receive such anger from me, too. So, I decided that I would give her a bit of time, and then discuss whether we could remain as friends with her.

This was until about half a week later, when I found out (again, through a FaceBook status), that she had started going out with one my best friends. On top of this, I also know that there was only one time in recent times that they would have been able to meet up (both me and my friend go to universities, and are thus rather far away from my ex), and that was during the time we were going out.

So basically, I am about 80% certain that something happened between them during that time... yay -.-

At that point I decided enough was enough. Her seemingly careless manner in which she dumped me was hurtful on it's own, but cheating on me with my best friend (and, also, not actually telling me the truth that she was dumping me for my best friend) really isn't something I forgive so easily. Being on the other side of the country, it was pretty easy to cut all connections from her and block her access to me where possible.

Now, a month or so has past, and I've been pondering that action - was it really right to just cut her off like that without even trying to consult her upon the matter first? Afterall, while I am pretty sure that she cheated on me, there is no definitive confirmation that such a thing was the case. Furthermore, despite everything, I honestly believe that she isn't the type to play with a person's feelings so carelessly. I've been considering trying to make contact with her, not to try and get back together, but just to try and set the record straight.

So, Escapists, do you think this is a good idea? Shall I talk to her and see if she really did so callously stab me in the back? Or do I just leave things as they are, never talk to her again and go happily along with my life? (which, believe me, I can do very easily - this won't leave me traumatised even if it remains the way things are) Any opinions are appreciated

As ever, here is a juggling video (to those who don't know, I make it a custom to add a juggling video to each of my threads):


edit: I find it strange that this thread received twice as many views and 3 times as many posts as my eating disorder thread, in a fraction of the time, when I consider the eating disorder a much more serious issue... XD Thanks for all the posts though, and thanks for all you're advice

If it were up to me... I'd say stay away. Even if she didn't cheat on you, her method of departure and then going to pick up your best friend sounds like she really is not someone that you want to spend more time with than you already have. Honestly, all things considered, I think you are managing this better than most would expect, considering those circumstances. I probably would be alot more angry and probably would have thought of, if not tried, to do something crazy as a result. Well... not too crazy, but... well this is getting off-subject.

Anyway, I'd say get away from her and be done with it. You don't need her, and you don't need your friend either. You deserve better than those two.

Hope you feel better, and you are free to chat with me about stuff if you ever want to. :3

- Rei

 

[Turing]

Go with your gut.
Do you actually NEED to use your time on worrying about a relationship thats already in the past?

 

[BENZOOKA]

Absolutely not. I can't think of a single reason for you to contact her, other than to inform her and really make sure she understands it's over.

 

[3AM]

I got a question or two. Has she tried to contact you since she silently broke up with you? Has she given you any indication that she values and respects you? It kinda sounds like the answer to those questions is No. If there's ever to be a reconciliation between you two she's the one that should initiate it (with a great big sincere apology) and you should be very protective of yourself if she does. She wronged you man, in a cowardly fashion no less. She doesn't deserve you or your concern. Neither does your "friend". If you're grown up enough to have a romantic relationship, you'd damn well better be grown up enough to end it decently if needed (I'm speaking to her with that comment, not you). She needs to woman-up and you need to move on and find someone who'll treat you as you deserve.

Still, I know it probably hurts and I'm sorry for that.

 

[BorisFriend]

If you genuinely believe that she wouldn't play with your feelings then by all means, contact her. Even if the only thing you recieve is the cold shoulder, it will provide some sort of closure (but you don't seem the type to need the traditional type)

Speaking from experience (not experience of cheating or anything, simply a bad breakup) she probably misses contact with you, even just a little, if you were as close as you imply. You sound extremely mature about this, letting it all be water under the bridge, so the possibility of rekindling a friendship is possible if thats what you want

I wouldn't go down the path of an "interrogation" of either her, or your friend. Ask politely, with reason, and if they feel they don't need to explain, let the subject drop and move on

Worst case scenario? They both cold shoulder you and you can move on with absolutely no mental or emotional damage

 

[Vaccine]

However, that email didn't actually arrive, so I in fact found out after she had set her FaceBook status to 'single'.

Aw hell naw.

Don't set yourself up for a fall on someone who didn't take you seriously, she sounds like a terrible person.

Go find better.

 

[Naheal]

This person is untrustworthy. She's not worth even friendship. She will only hurt you in the long run. Distance yourself from her.

 

[Finnra]

I don't see any reason why you would want to "give her a second chance". If you're contemplating doing it as an act of altruism, think twice; will this actually help anyone?

 

[Gothtasical]

I wouldn't talk to her but yea definatly talk to your friend about it similar incident happen to me but my friend was still dating another girl while my ex and him went to do their "thing"

 

[OneOfTheMichael's]

I suppose you can try but if she won't give you a proper answer if you talk with her;screw her. I feel sorry for you but they plenty of other fish in the sea...unless we continue to pollute the seas.

 

[Trivun]

Personally, I think that you deserve some clearance on the matter. I don't really know you well through the site, but from seeing your posts you're a decent guy, and you definitely appear to have been wronged in this case. I think you certainly deserve closure here.

That being said, it might not be the wisest thing to get in touch again with your ex, especially if she did cheat on you. The best advice I can give is that you need to weigh up the importance of getting closure with the chances of things going badly for you if you do decide to contact her. Remember, look out for Number One. You're the person you should be worrying about here, not anybody else. If you really want closure then go for it, get in touch and find out exactly what happened. If you can do without it, then I wouldn't recommend it.

 

[Jadak]

I only skimmed the post, but in general yes, at least contact her if you're not certain if she actually did cheat on her. If you are certain of that, or at least certain enough to be comfortable with assuming it, then no, do not give second chances to somebody who cheated on you.

 

[zombiesinc]

So, Escapists, do you think this is a good idea? Shall I talk to her and see if she really did so callously stab me in the back? Or do I just leave things as they are, never talk to her again and go happily along with my life? (which, believe me, I can do very easily - this won't leave me traumatised even if it remains the way things are) Any opinions are appreciated

Absolutely. Yes, the manor in which she broke up with you wasn't the best choice, but it seems she did it in such a way with the best intentions. Hopefully it's not something she continues to do though.

Also, you've made many judgments and thoughts based on a lot of 'clues' or possibilities, so it's just as likely you're wrong in your thoughts, as you are right. I would contact her in the interest of setting the record straight, and in hopes of better understanding one another's perspective.

 

[An Alt Account]

So, Escapists, do you think this is a good idea? Shall I talk to her and see if she really did so callously stab me in the back? Or do I just leave things as they are, never talk to her again and go happily along with my life? (which, believe me, I can do very easily - this won't leave me traumatised even if it remains the way things are) Any opinions are appreciated

She pretty much dumped you over Facebook, an incredibly open for all to see service, then updated her Facebook again to say she was going out with one of your best friends. Contact her and give her a chance to set the record straight and possibly patch the friendship up, but nothing more than that. Barring certain unforgivable actions, everyone deserves a second chance.

Basically
A second chance as a friend? Yes.
A second chance as anything else? Hell and no.

Of course, if this second chance doesn't work out, then ditch the ***** forever and move on with your life. Getting into 3rd and 4th chances just makes you a sucker.

 

[neoontime]

Why, she obviously doesn't care. Save yourself the pain and just forget about her already.

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

I'd best say no. Leave her, you're better than that.

And question your friend: if he's secretive about what happened, then it might be time to leave him too.

 

[DiMono]

I think it's a good idea to try to stay on good terms with people. Get in touch, say you want to catch up, and leave it at that. If she's interested in remaining in contact with you, she'll respond and say so, otherwise she won't and you've lost nothing.