Poll: So, you acquire a load of animals, and then you...?

[FalloutJack]

EUNOPF!​

So, I was looking the thread where the guy was talking about the purchase of a bunch of elephants, and that just gets the wheels turning on what you could actually do with a bunch of those guys. Like, you could re-enact Hannibal or stick parts on 'em and go Lord of the Rings on us. But I don't want to limit it to just elephants here, because that'll dry up the answers super-quick. Let's get inventive and silly here.

Pick an animal, just one overall kind, and tell me what you'd do with it.​

Figure it could be as many as hundreds of whatever it is, or thousands if it's like really small. Please nothing dubious that the mods would hate to hear please. You know what I mean. Assume you can command the animals to do whatever you want them to do en masse like Cobra's animal control machine back in the old show.

(Point of Order: If you want several species of wolf or cat or something like that within a given range of its gene pool, thats fine. I won't limit you, but the challenge is in one kind of THIS animal to do something cool.)

Oh, and INB4 the pigs for Really Good Bacon. I know this crowd.

 

[JoJo]

I'd take an army of lobsters, train them in martial arts and the ways of war. I'd also feed them crustacean steroids so they grow massive, as large as their body plan will allow. I would then use my lobster army to take over a tropical island and declare it my private kingdom. The lobsters would make the perfect guards for my island kingdom, too dumb to rebel, they could march on land and in the sea, their exoskeleton would be natural armour and their claws their weapons of choice. Any crustacean comrade who died in battle would be given a fitting send-off with butter. This plan is flawless!

 

[Barbas]

I'd take an army of lobsters, train them in martial arts and the ways of war. I'd also feed them crustacean steroids so they grow massive, as large as their body plan will allow. I would then use my lobster army to take over a tropical island and declare it my private kingdom. The lobsters would make the perfect guards for my island kingdom, too dumb to rebel, they could march on land and in the sea, their exoskeleton would be natural armour and their claws their weapons of choice. Any crustacean comrade who died in battle would be given a fitting send-off with butter. This plan is flawless!

Don't forget that you could just recline and ride on them like a carpet. You'd never have to walk again!

Spoiler: Corpulence illustrated

I'd have an entire Owl Air Force of these little dudes:

Spoiler: Saw-whet owl

Also known as "Stoner owls" due to their permanently-baked expressions, they would see and hear all. Nobody would expect that such an adorable animal could be my loyal spy. With their small stature, they could go anywhere and overhear anything.

If I ever got bored of using them for evil, I suppose they'd make keep telephone line repairmen. With tiny protective rubber boots, obviously - I care for my loyal servants. They would be useful for almost any task, whether in peace or at war.

 

[Shinsei-J]

I would have lions then do nothing at all!

Spoiler

Yep it's a solid plan.

 

[the_deku_nutt]

I'd command hundreds of thousands of cockroaches. They're practically immune to all forms of death, and they reproduce fast enough to keep a stable force for centuries.

I'd send 20+ into people's kitchens to freak them out when they flip their lights on in the morning. For all you know, I'M DOING THAT ALREADY. /kappa

 

[SoranMBane]

I would get a whole colony of fruit bats and we would be best friends forever. That's it. I have no need for world-conquering or any of that other nonsense; having hundreds of the world's most adorable animal to cuddle with for the rest of my life would be the best I could ever hope for.

Spoiler

Just look at those faces. What else could I possibly need?

 

[Sansha]

Elephants. I would get six, and then build a stagecoach the size of a small house, then do novelty/luxury road cruises through the American plains.

Failing that, I want a fucking wooly mammoth. I would buy ten acres of land and build it a habitat.