Hmm, now I am going to feel guilty for venting. (That ain't healthy! But fuck it, I am powering through this.)
Context time: Several years ago I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Major Depressive Disorder (Mild Severity -- at the time). I got much worse, slowly got better and actually felt pretty great two years ago. After some relationship drama that slammed self-worth pretty hard, I have been struggling to maintain that positive outlook that I was so happy to finally attain. I know that I am susceptible to depressive states -- that is something I am acutely aware of and I take the necessary steps to alleviate any negative warning signs as they pop up. Anxiety, on the other hand, is more subtle and ingrained in my everyday thought process and perceptual lense.
What bothers me, as a Psychology Graduate, is that I am aware of all of this -- surely I should be able to use the tools and knowledge at my disposal to get rid of these tiring mental obstacles that have plagued me from long before my official diagnosis.
So I am frustrated. Extraordinarily frustrated with the way my body is physiologically reacting to stress while my emotional state fluctuates between existential panic and harsh self-criticism.
...
Taking a step back to look at my external circumstances: I graduated last year via correspondence teaching. I recently completed company-training as a computer technician in a field that is not my passion -- but I was tired of studying and I really wanted to help out my family, even if I hate the job, I thought "Hey, at least I'll learn something new.". So I have achieved, but my "self-critic" won't adequately acknowledge that -- I am always looking ahead, scanning for the next hurdle to overcome, without stopping to congratulate myself.
So here I am, giving the lion's share of my paycheck to my chronically-ill parents on financial pension support, in order to get the necessities & groceries for each month. I think after 4 months of work, I've used my personal savings to go watch a movie (Deadpool -- it was great, by the way) because I keep thinking that there will be some familial emergency. Hell, I felt ridiculously guilty when I wrestled with the thought of going to watch a movie with my friends in the first place.
Social media is a nightmare when presented with the lives of my friends. I see them exploring the world, receiving these wonderful opportunities to freely strike it out on their own & pursuing passions on a whim ---- and rightfully so! They've worked hard for it and I am proud. Yet...I feel that what I am doing is right (Taking care of my parents), but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't like to explore my own passions without a sense of guilt, or to do so freely with the knowledge that my parents will be okay without me for a little while -- financially and emergency-wise.
As implied above, being in this constant hyper-vigilant state of worry is both exhausting and frustrating. So really, I am trying, but I feel miserable as all hell. I would cry, but I wouldn't want to burden anyone else...which is horrible because I shouldn't be isolating myself from friends that could help, yet unconsciously, I am.
Again, I am aware of how nonsensical some of my misaligned feelings and unbalanced thoughts are -- which makes it all the more frustrating.
Even typing all of this was very difficult.
