Poll: To trust or not to trust?

[saoirse13]

So basically I want to know your opinions on a current situation my friends are going through as i just can't make up my mind. Here's a little background info.

My friend is in a relationship with a guy she has known for 10 years or so. Basically they were each-others first bf/gf and broke up about 6 years ago. Anyway long story short they finally got back together about 8/9 months ago after they told each-other how they still were in love/never got over each-other etc... Now about a month ago she found messages on his skype from some random girl from another country whom he met/spoke to on chatroulette (she found the messages while using skype to talk to a mutual friend and this had not been an issue before this). she confronted him fearing that there was more to it and he told her it was nothing and that he only talked her that one time and that they swapped contact info randomly. he then proceeded to change his passwords, and had been searching up ways to delete skype convo's. she is now convinced that though he may not be technically cheating, she fears that if he is searching for something else with people on the internet that there is something seriously wrong with their relationship.
Now there had been issues of trust and cheating years ago when they had been together before but they had both agreed that being 15 you tend to make mistakes and as they are now 24/25 it would be different.

Now if I'm totally honest (and being a girl with crazy hormones and shit) I would more than likly be upset and not totally trust him. But maybe thats just me being a slightly suspicious girl anyway. So what id your opinion. How would you feel. Or do you think that the girl needs to stop worrying and just trust him completely?

EDIT: this applies to both males and females if it were your friend or partner.

 

[JoJo]

I clicked "not sure" as it's difficult to judge without knowing the content of the messages. I've talked to random people over Skype, sometimes of the opposite sex, however never with romantic intentions.

 

[NightmareExpress]

I wouldn't choose "completely trust" or "leave".
Those just sound too extreme. The issue here is that he's talking to someone else (which in my books is fine, whose to say somebody can't have more friends as long as it goes no further?). I'd think the best thing to do at this point would be to confront the issue and talk more, make a few compromises and set down a few rules...the sensible thing to do.

As much of a betrayal of trust as that might have been, did he give her express permission to snoop around the messages from other people? His reaction is rather normal to me (I don't like people looking around when I didn't tell them to), but can also be an indicator of not being too true. But you have to also understand that they've been apart more than they've been together at this point, both probably have seen other people in those six years (maybe some who are still friends?). Your friend has the benefit of the contact being in another country rather than in the same city, which means the opportunities to actually cheat are incredibly limited (though still possible).

We tend to think of our first relationship as the best (as with all experiences), but that may not be the reality of the situation. If there really is something that can last between them, then they should be able to talk and resolve this conundrum.

But then again, this is all coming from someone who likes to be open minded and understanding.
Not everyone is like that, and these answers might not work for everybody.

 

[Rascarin]

She should ask him for the truth. If she doesn't believe him afterwards... I dunno, I can't imagine wanting to stay with a person you can't trust. If there are trust issues, then the cause of them must be met. If they cannot, then the relationship probably won't last.

Captcha: "marry me"

Not a helpful suggestion, captcha.

 

[generals3]

I was looking for the "no don't trust him, stay on your toes" so i choose for "no, leave him".

The reason why: I don't tend to trust people and small signs of backstabbing are enough for me to go full suspicious.

 

[game-lover]

I'm probably leaning toward "other."

First, it sounds like she found the messages my accident anyway. So while snooping is bad, she hadn't intended to. But mainly, he's trying to delete all his stuff now and password protect his shit? If it bothered him so much, he could just confront her over that instead of sneakily trying to hide.

That's a red flag in my opinion.

So she just needs to be careful.

 

[saoirse13]

As much of a betrayal of trust as that might have been, did he give her express permission to snoop around the messages from other people? His reaction is rather normal to me (I don't like people looking around when I didn't tell them to), but can also be an indicator of not being too true. But you have to also understand that they've been apart more than they've been together at this point, both probably have seen other people in those six years (maybe some who are still friends?). Your friend has the benefit of the contact being in another country rather than in the same city, which means the opportunities to actually cheat are incredibly limited (though still possible).

No he never actually gave her permission to snoop through his stuff. However, she did find it by accident. while she was on skype a msg from the "other" girl popped up and she opened it not thinking apparently. Now i haven't seen the msgs but apparently they were along the lines of keeping in contact as they both felt to like each-other. though this may be an exageration, I'm not sure.

I'm probably leaning toward "other."

First, it sounds like she found the messages my accident anyway. So while snooping is bad, she hadn't intended to. But mainly, he's trying to delete all his stuff now and password protect his shit? If it bothered him so much, he could just confront her over that instead of sneakily trying to hide.

That's a red flag in my opinion.

So she just needs to be careful.

Yes again she found them by accident and had total trust in him up until this point. Now she is fearing that history may repeat itself. He has started to delete all msgs and change passwords which she feels only back up her suspicions.

 

[Uhura]

They are both adults and they should be able to have a mature conversation about the situation if they are going to have any kind of serious relationship. That's just not a healthy way to start a relationship, especially if there has been issues with cheating in the past. So 'confront the situation head on' would be my suggestion.

 

[Tuesday Night Fever]

Don't trust/Leave.

he then proceeded to change his passwords, and had been searching up ways to delete skype convo's.

That right there is why.

If the conversation, and future conversations, were harmless then there would be no reason to need secrecy. Especially since this comes immediately after a head-on open discussion of the issue.

My internal dishonesty alarm would be blaring quite loudly, and if I can't trust my partner I have no desire to be with them.

 

[Lynx]

I hate to be dull and totally unhelpful, but your friend won't be helped by random strangers' responses to a situation they can't possibly put themselves in. If there's one thing I've learned about relationships in the past six years, it's that every single one is different when it comes to boundaries, trust, honesty, et cetera. The stuff he wrote to that girl might mean one thing to her and another to him, and a third to you and a fourth to us. People have different languages. I learned that lesson the hard way.

The only universal tip I can give her/everyone (and this goes whether your relationship is open, exclusive, tight/loose on boundaries, mono-/polygamous, or what have you) is to BE OPEN ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE FEELING EVEN IF IT FEELS EMBARRASSING.

Simply tell her to talk it out with him. Whether he will like what she has to say or not, whether they work things out or not, nothing will ever get resolved (and she will never have peace of mind) until she asks him flat out and proceeds to decide for herself whether or not taking a chance on this guy is worth the risk.

 

[Quaxar]

Not sure why there are two "not sure"...

Clearly the only option is to hire a private detective to follow him on every step, bug his phone and go through his trash. Movies have taught me this is true romance.

 

[krazykidd]

They are both adults and they should be able to have a mature conversation about the situation if they are going to have any kind of serious relationship. That's just not a healthy way to start a relationship, especially if there has been issues with cheating in the past. So 'confront the situation head on' would be my suggestion.

In an ideal world sure . But that doesn't always work . You know , people lie?

OT: Trust him. From my point of view she was snooping . I would have changed my password too if someone was goong through my stuff looking for clues for something . The problem is , if she is lookin for something , even if it doesn't exist , she may misinterpret a message and conclude he is cheating , even if he's not . I've had this happen to me plenty of times . So i may be biased . But snoopig is wrong . She asked him about it , he answered her , she's still trying to get into his account . Personally , i would leave HER . She obviously doesn't trust her boyfriend to begin with .

 

[StriderShinryu]

Don't trust/Leave.

he then proceeded to change his passwords, and had been searching up ways to delete skype convo's.

That right there is why.

If the conversation, and future conversations, were harmless then there would be no reason to need secrecy. Especially since this comes immediately after a head-on open discussion of the issue.

My internal dishonesty alarm would be blaring quite loudly, and if I can't trust my partner I have no desire to be with them.

This is pretty much my thought as well. If the initial conversation/messages were totally innocent, then there should be no need to try to lock away those coming in the future. Friends of opposite genders are (in my opinion) not exactly always likely to be occurring with no feelings involved, but they do happen. If it was innocent though there'd be no reason to hide it. At the very basic level, even if there still is nothing going on, the seeds of distrust have been planted and the situation has to be addressed or it will just end up getting worse.

 

[Mr Fixit]

If it was me I would just confront the problem head on, it's better to know for sure than live with that doubt in the back of your mind. Of course I've always believed in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" way of thinking, but I don't trust people very easily.

 

[roushutsu]

I chose "confront the problem head on." It sounds like they both have issues that need to be dealt with if they want their relationship to go further. If they can't be open and honest with each other, even when one or both screw up, then it's only going to go downhill.

 

[game-lover]

They are both adults and they should be able to have a mature conversation about the situation if they are going to have any kind of serious relationship. That's just not a healthy way to start a relationship, especially if there has been issues with cheating in the past. So 'confront the situation head on' would be my suggestion.

In an ideal world sure . But that doesn't always work . You know , people lie?

OT: Trust him. From my point of view she was snooping . I would have changed my password too if someone was goong through my stuff looking for clues for something . The problem is , if she is lookin for something , even if it doesn't exist , she may misinterpret a message and conclude he is cheating , even if he's not . I've had this happen to me plenty of times . So i may be biased . But snoopig is wrong . She asked him about it , he answered her , she's still trying to get into his account . Personally , i would leave HER . She obviously doesn't trust her boyfriend to begin with .

But she wasn't snooping. At least not intentionally.

The OP just confirmed it was basically accidental. She was using Skype to chat with someone and a new chat window popped up with this message from said female.

I will say she probably shouldn't have clicked. But when a new window opens up when you're in the mids of something, it's gonna get your attention.

 

[krazykidd]

They are both adults and they should be able to have a mature conversation about the situation if they are going to have any kind of serious relationship. That's just not a healthy way to start a relationship, especially if there has been issues with cheating in the past. So 'confront the situation head on' would be my suggestion.

In an ideal world sure . But that doesn't always work . You know , people lie?

OT: Trust him. From my point of view she was snooping . I would have changed my password too if someone was goong through my stuff looking for clues for something . The problem is , if she is lookin for something , even if it doesn't exist , she may misinterpret a message and conclude he is cheating , even if he's not . I've had this happen to me plenty of times . So i may be biased . But snoopig is wrong . She asked him about it , he answered her , she's still trying to get into his account . Personally , i would leave HER . She obviously doesn't trust her boyfriend to begin with .

But she wasn't snooping. At least not intentionally.

The OP just confirmed it was basically accidental. She was using Skype to chat with someone and a new chat window popped up with this message from said female.

I will say she probably shouldn't have clicked. But when a new window opens up when you're in the mids of something, it's gonna get your attention.

Well from what i understood from the OP , she fell onto it be accident , which is fine , confronted him ,which is good , and got an answer . That first part is fine . What comes next after is problematic in my opinion. After getting her answer . She proceeds to try to log on his account again , and discovers it's password was changed . This means she doesn't trust him and is trying to find out more . This she was "trying" to snoop, which is bad .

Now you could argue that if there is nothing to find , the password shouldn't have been changed . But you could also argue that , she shouldn't be trying to go on his account in the first place . He is allowed to change his password , regardless of the reason , but she shouldn't be trying to "break" into his account in the first place .

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

So basically I want to know your opinions on a current situation my friends are going through as i just can't make up my mind.
EDIT: this applies to both males and females if it were your friend or partner.

I clicked "Yes, trust him".

Being paranoid and suspicious is a good way to ruin a relationship. Just let it go. Random chatting is no big thing, and poking it is a good way to upset someone. If someone confronted me about something they found in my history, I'd be changing my passwords too - that's invasion of privacy right there.

Right now, I'd say she's in the wrong for looking in the first place (and saying that the woman is in the wrong about a relationship is pretty foreign to me, so... yeah).

It's a free country - he's allowed to chat with whomever he likes.

And so is she.

If the genders were reversed, I'd be angrily talking about how men and women can just be friends and how insensitive he was to look in her account. She should look at it that way - if their situations were reversed, how would she feel about him accusing her of the same? If your friend would be offended if he did this to her, then it is absolutely hypocritical of her to be upset with him over it.

And, fellow Escapists - you think about that too.

And on another issue entirely...

/人◕‿‿◕人\

 

[crimson sickle2]

I'd try to find out the specifics of that message, it should illuminate the next step. However approaching head-on is another, faster, method; I'm just not one for doing things head-on.