Poll: To trust or not to trust?

[Legion]

The fact that he then tried discovering ways to delete Skype conversations after being caught leads me to say that no, I would not trust them. If he is contacting female friends and it is completely above board, then he has no reason to suddenly try and hide it. He could always say "I have female friends, I want to talk to them, but nothing is going on."

Instead he has chosen to try and be sneaky about it.

I have an extremely strong sense of privacy, but even I wouldn't think it'd be a good idea to speak to members of the preferred sex behind my partners back when there have been trust issues in the past. I certainly wouldn't blame anybody for seeing it as suspicious if I did.

 

[Thyunda]

Set profile to private to non-friends and don't add anyone you don't consider a friend.

That's not how I use Facebook. I want people who are not presently my Facebook friends to be able to find me and friend me. Not using Facebook the same way you use Facebook isn't "stupid".

Also, yeah, you're not supposed to add your students on Facebook. Safeguarding issues all over that.

My students are adults, as I teach at a university. We have no regulations against Facebook connections between professors and students. Hell, I have professors who teach me who have far more lax Facebook policies than I do. And since I have been asked by students to provide letters of reference or recommendation in order to advance their career, closing the only stable contact venue from them is unacceptable (email addresses change when you change institutions. My name will not.)

But in any case, you're missing the point. It's my page. It's not your toy. I get to decide how I use it. Not you. It's none of your business how I use it. And if it offends you that I have no tolerance for people interfering with my personal relationships for their own amusement, the problem is with you. Get over yourself.

No it IS stupid though because if you have to hide things from these people, they're obviously not your real friends. And I'm an adult. However, adding my current tutors is simply not allowed. Safeguarding still often applies, though I do suppose university is an entirely different kettle of fish.

But in any case, you're missing the point. It's a page. It's not a big deal. You get to decide how you use it, not me. It's only my business how you use it if it's amusing, and if it offends you that I find people who take themselves too seriously hilarious, then the problem is with you. Get over yourself.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I find it funny that on a site where people cheer so stridently for science, that people would defend this girl jumping to unsupportable conclusions.

You're simply advocating she jump to the opposite conclusion, because it aligns with how you run your personal life. I advocated she confront the boyfriend because of her own trust issues. I'm sorry if that wasn't scientific enough for you, Professor. Maybe she should run some double blind trials first to determine whether or not her boyfriend is trustworthy, as opposed to talking to him as recommended.

 

[bearlotz]

Dude, don't use your Facebook professionally. That's just idiocy of the highest calibre. In fact, I can't even BEGIN to list the reasons why that's a stupid idea.

I take it that you don't read through this stuff before you post, do you? You opened up this whole thing by stating that you were poking around your ex's Facebook profile and messaging her friends

I mean, if I caught my ex's Facebook account open, guaranteed I would have to go through it to find SOMETHING amusing to do. Never saw anything suspicious, but then I wasn't looking for that. I was looking for opportunities to make funny. Like this one guy who had a crush on her. That was a fun exchange. I think he knew it was me though.

And now you want to tell someone else how to use their Facebook account? Why should Katatori or anyone else listen to your thoughts on the subject when your own track record is so shady.

D'you know, you've managed to define yourself as uptight, humourless AND hostile in this single conversation? I wonder if you have a significant other to even break up with for looking at your Facebook.

Aaaaand here comes the flaming. Fantastic. You give these forums a sterling reputation, buddy.

 

[Thyunda]

Dude, don't use your Facebook professionally. That's just idiocy of the highest calibre. In fact, I can't even BEGIN to list the reasons why that's a stupid idea.

I take it that you don't read through this stuff before you post, do you? You opened up this whole thing by stating that you were poking around your ex's Facebook profile and messaging her friends

I mean, if I caught my ex's Facebook account open, guaranteed I would have to go through it to find SOMETHING amusing to do. Never saw anything suspicious, but then I wasn't looking for that. I was looking for opportunities to make funny. Like this one guy who had a crush on her. That was a fun exchange. I think he knew it was me though.

And now you want to tell someone else how to use their Facebook account? Why should Katatori or anyone else listen to your thoughts on the subject when your own track record is so shady.

D'you know, you've managed to define yourself as uptight, humourless AND hostile in this single conversation? I wonder if you have a significant other to even break up with for looking at your Facebook.

Aaaaand here comes the flaming. Fantastic. You give these forums a sterling reputation, buddy.

Don't I just? <3

Also I MIGHT read through the stuff. If it's open and convenient. Like when my friend gave me remote access to his computer so I could get the image to display on a monitor, and a random girl showed up on Facebook chat saying hi. At the speed of light I typed "Sorry love I'm into men now" and closed the chat before he could reassume control and stop me. I'm such a villain. The United Nations have a special file on me for my heinous escapades.

 

[bearlotz]

Don't I just? <3

Also I MIGHT read through the stuff. If it's open and convenient. Like when my friend gave me remote access to his computer so I could get the image to display on a monitor, and a random girl showed up on Facebook chat saying hi. At the speed of light I typed "Sorry love I'm into men now" and closed the chat before he could reassume control and stop me. I'm such a villain. The United Nations have a special file on me for my heinous escapades.

I don't think "reading" means what you think it means if that's the example you choose to demonstrate how you would "read" your friend's posts. Besides which, if your actions screw up your friends relationship with the person (more relevant to the earlier situation with your ex) then they would consider it more or less heinous depending on the other person.

Other than that, I'm honestly confused by the direction this whole thing took, mostly in regards to the personal attacks earlier. You've put yourself in the wrong on this one, stop digging.

 

[RobfromtheGulag]

Oh the drama.

This boils down to 'hand', as I believe it was put in Seinfeld. 1 of the 2 people in a relationship has hand. The other is at the whim of fate. Generally the one with 'hand' calls the shots and is less attached, because they're secure in their possession of said 'hand'.

So the question is whether or not your friend likes the guy / likes the current relationship. Ignore the Skype, it doesn't matter. Maybe the guy has 100 girls on Skype all of whom he takes private jets to visit while she's asleep. If she's happy with the relationship, then that's all you need, right? You're happy, be happy.

If you're not happy, then why worry about Skype. If you're unhappy you'll constantly be looking for something to justify your unhappiness, be it Skype or the breakfast he made, whatever.

From the sound of things I'm guessing your friend has no 'hand' and the guy has all the 'hand'. This is a tough scenario, but if you're unhappy with the current relationship why not just bust out the ace in the hole, the 'I'm leaving you'. At this point, as Costanza knows, she gains some 'hand'. At that point he has to decide whether to alter his actions in the relationship or let her go.

I hope that wasn't too convoluted. And yes, I am giving real world relationship advice from Seinfeld.

 

[Thyunda]

Don't I just? <3

Also I MIGHT read through the stuff. If it's open and convenient. Like when my friend gave me remote access to his computer so I could get the image to display on a monitor, and a random girl showed up on Facebook chat saying hi. At the speed of light I typed "Sorry love I'm into men now" and closed the chat before he could reassume control and stop me. I'm such a villain. The United Nations have a special file on me for my heinous escapades.

I don't think "reading" means what you think it means if that's the example you choose to demonstrate how you would "read" your friend's posts. Besides which, if your actions screw up your friends relationship with the person (more relevant to the earlier situation with your ex) then they would consider it more or less heinous depending on the other person.

Other than that, I'm honestly confused by the direction this whole thing took, mostly in regards to the personal attacks earlier. You've put yourself in the wrong on this one, stop digging.

Hardly going to damage a friendship when it's just so obviously me. You guys take Facebook far too seriously. I mean really.

BREAK UP WITH THAT *****! HOW DARE SHE LOOK AT YOUR MESSAGES!

Shit guys, relax. It's just a conversation. Oh, and my example was relevant - the OP stated that the girl sent a message while she was already on there. So let's imagine I was doing something with my ex's profile, I have the password to it clearly I've got some reason to be on there beyond pointless mischief. Message comes up from some dude, so naturally I'm like -click- even if it's just to say "Yo she's not here right now this be the chief", but then if I get this whole message history that's setting off an alarm, it's clearly not overly family friendly. So it's perfectly normal for me to turn around and say "Hey V, who's this dude?"
If she says "Oh, I met him on Chatroulette." Then I'd let it lie and just go do something more interesting.
If, however, after that I start finding instructions on deleting Skype chats coming up on my search history (shared laptop. Her's was steampowered or something so she preferred mine) then yeah, something is VERY wrong there. I would lose trust in her. And it would be justified.

 

[Comocat]

Regardless of privacy issues, I don't think two people should be in a relationship if they cant have an open conversation about what the hell is going on. If your other finds a dodgy message that you left open on the screen and your only response is to google "how to delete dodgy messages" how can you expect to build a relationship when real life is a lot harder? I mean, if you cant even openly talk about what you're doing on Skype, what are you going to do about raising kids, paying the mortgage, you know, stuff that matters.

 

[deathzero021]

why are there 2 "not sure"? i choose "confront". i wouldn't let that shit go without a serious discussion. basically i don't allow that kinda thing, after talking it out if they continued to be suspicious on the internet with strangers i would have a serious problem with it and possibly consider ending it.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I hope that wasn't too convoluted. And yes, I am giving real world relationship advice from Seinfeld.

Seinfeld is meant to be a manual on how NOT to act in real life. My girlfriend is a mental health professional and they actually use the show to model socially inappropriate behaviors for their clients in workshops.

 

[Beffudled Sheep_v1legacy]

She should talk to him about it like an adult. If she doesn't trust him then she shouldn't be with him, simple.

And if I were him I'd leave the girl in a hurry. "Accidentally" snooping around and then confronting me about cheating because I managed to meet someone in another country of the opposite sex and enjoy conversing with them would make me pretty pissed off and questioning the quality of my relationship.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

She should talk to him about it like an adult. If she doesn't trust him then she shouldn't be with him, simple.

And if I were him I'd leave the girl in a hurry. "Accidentally" snooping around and then confronting me about cheating because I managed to meet someone in another country of the opposite sex and enjoy conversing with them would make me pretty pissed off and questioning the quality of my relationship.

As per OP, the guy had cheated before. I think given those circumstances, a slightly higher level of suspicion is hardly surprising or evidence the girlfriend is a paranoid fruitcake.

 

[Hagi]

They should talk to each other.

She's obviously insecure and he's obviously uncomfortable (although not necessarily due to cheating). Just talk to each other, either they're able to work it out and everything's fine or they can't and they should break up already.

Communication is key in a serious relationship, if you can't manage it you're just setting yourself up for disaster.

 

[Fuzzed]

Just leave him. Chances our she'll find a nicer dude with a bigger penis.

 

[Aslyn]

(and being a girl with crazy hormones and shit)

Please don't think you need to blame having opinions on crazy hormones. Own your opinion. Be confident. And don't propagate the lie that all women have crazy hormones that make them irrational. The rest of us don't appreciate it. Thanks.

OT, I voted confront it head on. Regardless of if something is happening with this one girl or not, that is sketchy behavior. He needs to be up front about what he wants and needs out of the relationship. If he's not fulfilled, he should end it. Same for her. She needs to let him know that she needs to trust him, and all this deleting conversations and changing passwords is not exactly trust inspiring.

She also needs to not go nuts spying on him and checking his stuff all the time. True trust needs to be established, or the relationship needs to end.

 

[Kaymish]

yeah given the flags this is shady like super shady i am 0.95 sure that this guy is up to something at first i was thinking that with out knowing the contents of the messages it was difficult to tell i mean just cause he has a girlfriend doesn't mean he cant talk to other women just means he cant sleep around
but then the red flags came up
flags like trying to hide it having a history of cheating
and being a crap liar i mean who says (even if it is hersay and had the shit paraphrased out of it) "it was nothing and that he only talked her that one time and that they swapped contact info randomly" obvious lie is obvious

 

[Beffudled Sheep_v1legacy]

She should talk to him about it like an adult. If she doesn't trust him then she shouldn't be with him, simple.

And if I were him I'd leave the girl in a hurry. "Accidentally" snooping around and then confronting me about cheating because I managed to meet someone in another country of the opposite sex and enjoy conversing with them would make me pretty pissed off and questioning the quality of my relationship.

As per OP, the guy had cheated before. I think given those circumstances, a slightly higher level of suspicion is hardly surprising or evidence the girlfriend is a paranoid fruitcake.

I read that part too but it was when they were practically children. Maybe I have just slightly too much faith in people but a 15 year old and a 20 something year old are different (sometimes). Hormones ravage, people change, etc. If the guy has a history of cheating a lot then he obviosuly hasn't changed but once as a young teen shouldn't be a permanent blackspot on his relationship record. I don't blame her for being a bit on guard and I'm not calling her a paranoid fruitcake but I think immediately jumping the conclusion of "cheating" is a bit on the extreme side.

But if she doesn't trust him enough to not cheat when speaking to another female on the internet then she really shouldn't have been in a relationship with him in the first place.

 

[otakon17]

Funnily enough this kind of situation happened between my cousin and his girlfriend. Same kind of deal too, she was snooping in his phone and found some texts with another girl. They worked it out though, they're not together anymore but that break up was amicable at least. Confront it directly and work it out.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

But if she doesn't trust him enough to not cheat when speaking to another female on the internet then she really shouldn't have been in a relationship with him in the first place.

True, true. That's why cheating is generally seen as so damning. Once trust is broken, it...much like Humpty Dumpty...is pretty hard to ever put back together again.