Poll: Women like jerks?

[Erttheking]

So I brought up women so I already doomed this thread to be a shitstorm but can we at least try to keep it to a minimum?

So I hear a fair amount of people claiming that women like, and by extension prefer to date, jerks. The thing that puzzles me is that this is one of those things I hear talked about a lot, but personally never see. Personally I have a bit of a hard time swallowing it. So, out of curiosity I thought I'd ask.

Do you think women like jerks? Why or why not? Personally I don't. It just doesn't feel real. I've never really talked to women who act like they secretly desire someone to treat them like shit.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Argh, this again.

Blah blah confidence, blah blah alpha male, blah blah nice guys like me.

In my experience, I've not seen this, beyond guys who were good at manipulating women into not being seen as jerks, and/or women that had being a jerk in common.

 

[GrumbleGrump]

Not really. I think they just like more social people, which losers think is being an asshole.

Captcha: slow milenky lizards. Sounds like a Gorillaz song.

 

[Hoplon]

...bored much? seriously though, no, it's not true it's the cry of the shithead.

 

[Wintermute_v1legacy]

I always thought this was a Hollywood movie trope.

 

[votemarvel]

It can certainly seem that way at times.

A former girlfriend of mine had an ex who used to beat her. She eventually left me for him "because he'd changed". The next time I saw her she had a black eye.

Thankfully she had the strength to leave him a second time and hasn't been back since. We are still friends but it does make me wonder at times just what he had, other than being a jerk, over me.

 

[aba1]

I see this brought up from time to time and rather than just dismiss the men and shame them for wrong think or observing in their own experiences something people find distasteful I actually thought about reasons a person might want to date a jerk. The main theory I came up with is that it is less about being a jerk and more about being interesting. Women like guys who are interesting and compelling. Jerks may not be pleasant to the average person but one thing you have to admit is that the drama they bring is interesting and compelling from the outside which could easily appeal to a person if they don't think of themselves as a potential victim of this mentality which quite often happens to many people of all genders.

People also like to help eachother and so sometimes if a person seems like they are being attacked for no reasons (as the "jerks" would say from their perspective) I can see a woman becoming vested in the jerks well being and trying to support them in a effort to help not realizing they are the reason they have so many issues..

 

[Erttheking]

...bored much?

Pretty much.

Argh, this again.

Blah blah confidence, blah blah alpha male, blah blah nice guys like me.

In my experience, I've not seen this, beyond guys who were good at manipulating women into not being seen as jerks, and/or women that had being a jerk in common.

Yeah, part of the reason I brought this up was that I wanted to squash this rumor, I just wanted the OP to be diplomatic.

It can certainly seem that way at times.

A former girlfriend of mine had an ex who used to beat her. She eventually left me for him "because he'd changed". The next time I saw her she had a black eye.

Thankfully she had the strength to leave him a second time and hasn't been back since. We are still friends but it does make me wonder at times just what he had, other than being a jerk, over me.

That's...that's not a woman liking a jerk, that's battered person syndrome!

 

[Thaluikhain]

Yeah, part of the reason I brought this up was that I wanted to squash this rumor, I just wanted the OP to be diplomatic.

Ah, ok then. Good luck with that.

 

[mecegirl]

Some women like to date jerks and some men like to date jerks. On the whole, however, most prefer not to. And if they find out that their partner is a jerk they will leave. When it comes to abuse though that goes beyond jerkiness and to someone being manipulated. And in that case dating anyone else may not be a good idea for the victim until they have taken some time to heal.

In my experience when a guy invokes the "girls like jerks" they are basically applying the term jerk to any man who isn't them. Or if at any time the women they like complains about the man she is dating that man is considered a jerk to the guy wishing he could date the woman. But the truth of the matter is that we all complain about our partners from time to time because no one is perfect and no one gets along 100%. Really it's just the guy hopping on anything he can see to convince himself that he'd be a better partner, when odds are if she dated him she'd still have something to complain about.

You rarely see things play out like they do in sitcoms and movies. Where the love interest is literally dating some jerk who bullies the male protagonist(before later seeing the light and choosing the male protagonist). But even if something like that happens then imo its the "male protagonist" that has the problem. Women know the qualities of the person they are dating. If she is attracted to some bully that often reflects badly on her because like tends to date like. In real life the woman won't often be some angel who is being mislead. That "male protagonist" just needs to move on. He most likely doesn't really know who she is as a person and is more in love with her looks anyway. Or at least that's how it was for a few of my male friends in high school anyway. They eventually moved on to girl who were actually comparable with them. I don't see it happen much to male friends in my adult relationships. It just seems like an immature thing to focus on.

 

[PsychicTaco115]

When guys say that women go for jerks, they mean that the person they want isn't interested in them

There may or may not be a fedora involved

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

I think they go for confidence?

 

[Dragonlayer]

It is a well established fact that women actually like men with knives.

It's why they never say "No" to me at least.

 

[Dizchu]

I voted "no" but only because I don't think women (or anyone) goes out of their way to find the most reprehensible people. But it'd be wrong to say that they avoid them too.

On the lighter end of the spectrum, "jerks" can simply be people with a bit too much confidence (arrogance). People gravitate towards confident people naturally, so it's hardly surprising that an inflated ego can land you attention (particularly romantic/sexual attention). But this is where the difference between confidence and arrogance becomes apparent. Confidence is a good thing in moderation, but with too much of it, eventually the cracks will show and that much ego can override caring for others.

Then with more severe cases, you have "jerks" that are straight-up manipulative abusers. It's not difficult to manipulate people, especially if they're particularly vulnerable. What may look like "Jedi mind tricks" or "women liking jerks" to us actually appears a lot differently from inside the relationship. It could be Stockholm Syndrome, the woman involved might believe that the abuse is "normal", she might exaggerate the few good qualities of the relationship to overlook the many negative qualities.

But let's not kid ourselves, the main people that say things like "women like jerks" are jerks themselves no matter how "gentlemanly" they believe themselves to be.

 

[SweetShark]

Yes.
Because the girls can be also jerks.
But a jerk girl can be a good thing...for me.

 

[I can't enter my old name]

I remember on a documentary on TV about sexual attraction, that both sexes usually put niceness high up on the list of preferred traits. I don't remember it, so I just used googled for an article.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/10/081014134027.htm

Of course these are just surveys about prefences, so I'm not sure if it means just nice to me and my friends, and not people I don't like, or general niceness toward everyone. It says women like things such as men donating blood and volunteering at a hospital, so it's probably the latter.

 

[ThatOtherGirl]

Women do not prefer jerks to nice people. They prefer interesting people to boring people.

"Nice guys" get overlooked. Because people who get labeled "nice guy" are boring, as opposed to people who are guys who also happen to be nice. No one wants to date a "nice guy" because they are boring, shallow people whose only redeeming quality is that you don't want to punch them in the face. Now, guys who are also nice typically have many redeeming qualities, but no one calls them "nice guys". They are hot guys, interesting guys, fun guys, smart guys, rich guys, or even kind guys (kindness being fundamentally different than niceness, it is a deep character trait that causes the person to do interesting things). They have something desirable about them.

So remember this, if you ever see a woman who has to say "well, he was nice..." after a date it means he was boring, but he at least managed not to be an ass so she doesn't want to say anything bad about him. But "not an asshole" is not a reason to date someone. It is damning someone with faint praise.

And as for how jerks get dates, it is a lot easier to smooth out rough edges than completely rebuild a person to not be boring. You can work with someone to stop being an ass, we all know this because at some point we were all assholes and learned to be less of an asshole.