Possible relationship problem?

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SeeIn2D

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May 24, 2011
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Alright since my previous post about relationships got a couple hundred views shy of 5000 and a round 600 votes on it, I'm assuming at least some people will recognize my name from that. So basically today I was skyping with my girlfriend who I have been in a long distance (NYC & Suburb of DC) relationship with for about 4 months. During our skype video call she seemed slightly distracted at times, and when I say that I mean at some times she would be like looking at the computer screen and just kind of mindlessly responding to what I was saying for a few seconds. She was obviously messaging someone on facebook, and she even told me she was.

Basically she is doing a college class at UMD for 3 weeks and she is actually staying at the dorms with a roommate etc. So here is where I turn into a terrible boyfriend. After she signs off I go on her facebook page to just like make sure she wasn't talking to some guy she just met about like meeting in some secret places to have more than just friend's relationships. I am truly in love with this girl which may sound naive at 17 but our connection I feel is very deep, and I truly believe she feels the same as me. When she says she loves me I believe her.

So I'm looking at this conversation and some things are said by her like little joking sexual things such as "yeah im hyper...in my pants", but then she would always say "harhar i make funny joke" or something to that affect. Now sexual jokes are her sense of humor, and she has always told me she connected with guys as friends better than girls mostly. Next the guy basically says "so do you guys want to come visit our room for a little bit" and my girlfriend says no, but then says "oh but we haven't seen your room". This obviously implies she had the guy she was talking to and some other friends she's told me about in her room. Now I'm positive this was just a time where they needed somewhere that wasn't 97º to hang out.

Next she says "oh you're just jealous i mean more to joey than you ;P" with the winky face that made me nervous just because again that implies something. Joey is referring to yet another friend she has just met at this course.

Basically I'm looking for advice on how I should be reacting to this situation and how I should go about solving it. I truly love this girl and I absolutely trust her and I'm sure nothing is going on and she's just being herself, but I still can't help but worry. I am probably going to call her about this tomorrow, not to say "oh don't talk to these people anymore" but to basically keep our promise to be honest to each other and to tell her what I was doing and that I actually feel terrible about it. Anyone have any different advice?

(Yes I am fully aware I am going to get the comments of "Oh well this forum isn't exactly the best place for relationship advice now is it?", so please just try to avoid those)

I really appreciate any help I get on this matter.
 

Stasisesque

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Nov 25, 2008
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SeeIn2D said:
So here is where I turn into a terrible boyfriend. After she signs off I go on her facebook page to just like make sure she wasn't talking to some guy she just met about like meeting in some secret places to have more than just friend's relationships. I am truly in love with this girl which may sound naive at 17 but our connection I feel is very deep, and I truly believe she feels the same as me. When she says she loves me I believe her.
SeeIn2D said:
Basically I'm looking for advice on how I should be reacting to this situation and how I should go about solving it. I truly love this girl and I absolutely trust her and I'm sure nothing is going on and she's just being herself, but I still can't help but worry. I am probably going to call her about this tomorrow, not to say "oh don't talk to these people anymore" but to basically keep our promise to be honest to each other and to tell her what I was doing and that I actually feel terrible about it. Anyone have any different advice?
You absolutely do not trust her.

My advice is - either learn to trust her or call the relationship off. Stop snooping.
 

Jedoro

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Jun 28, 2009
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Stasisesque said:
SeeIn2D said:
So here is where I turn into a terrible boyfriend. After she signs off I go on her facebook page to just like make sure she wasn't talking to some guy she just met about like meeting in some secret places to have more than just friend's relationships. I am truly in love with this girl which may sound naive at 17 but our connection I feel is very deep, and I truly believe she feels the same as me. When she says she loves me I believe her.
SeeIn2D said:
Basically I'm looking for advice on how I should be reacting to this situation and how I should go about solving it. I truly love this girl and I absolutely trust her and I'm sure nothing is going on and she's just being herself, but I still can't help but worry. I am probably going to call her about this tomorrow, not to say "oh don't talk to these people anymore" but to basically keep our promise to be honest to each other and to tell her what I was doing and that I actually feel terrible about it. Anyone have any different advice?
You absolutely do not trust her.

My advice is - either learn to trust her or call the relationship off. Stop snooping.
This

Seriously, signing onto her Facebook? Define "trust issues."
 

Zyst

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Jan 15, 2010
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Yeah you have some serious trust issues mate, work those out first and then consider other things. But seriously, if you love her as you say just blindly trust her, it might seem hard but it really will help; Specially in your case (Long distance relationship) where this kind of shit and a small fight usually leads to irreparable breakups, so yeah, careful.

Captcha: fellow traveller
 

Oracle144

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May 5, 2011
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It's kinda hard to say, not knowing her or any of the people involved. I'm a girl with a lot of guy friends, and we make sexual jokes at eachother all the time, but I'm not planning on hooking up with any of them. But then, it's not a huge issue for my boyfriend anyway, because we live together and hang out with the same group of friends, and he partakes in the innuendos as well. We even both mock-flirt with various guys and girls that we hang out with, because we know we're not actually interested in hooking up with any of them, and we have a strong, 2.5 year relationship.

But I can empathize with you. 4 months is prime time for those giddy lovey feelings which kind of mellow out later. But while those feelings are really strong, so can be jealousy. I remember getting nervous at the thought of my boyfriend interacting with other women when we first started dating. It's normal to feel that way.

The most important thing is to talk to her about it, and be honest with her. Tell her your concerns, and hopefully she'll understand. Just remember to treat her with respect and never demand that she stop seeing people or something. If you try to be controlling, then that's crossing a line. But there's nothing wrong with expressing your worries to her. If you don't say anything, it'll just bottle up and drive you nuts.

Long distance relationships are tricky business. I've been in one myself and it didn't end well. But some of them work out. One of the keys is trying to build up mutual connections. If you both share some of the same friends, you'll have more shared experiences together. Another key is to see each other as often as you can, but try not to isolate yourselves together when you do. Go out and interact with other people... together. Seeing each other in a variety of situations is a good way to get to know each other.
 

Spade Lead

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Nov 9, 2009
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SeeIn2D said:
So here is where I turn into a terrible boyfriend. After she signs off I go on her facebook page to just like make sure she wasn't talking to some guy she just met about like meeting in some secret places to have more than just friend's relationships.
No, you don't trust her, and it seems like you have a good reason not to...

I am truly in love with this girl which may sound naive at 17 but our connection I feel is very deep, and I truly believe she feels the same as me. When she says she loves me I believe her.
Trust me, she may be your first "Deep Love," but I guarantee you she won't be your last.

Next she says "oh you're just jealous i mean more to joey than you ;P" with the winky face that made me nervous just because again that implies something. Joey is referring to yet another friend she has just met at this course.
Again, you DO NOT trust her.

Basically I'm looking for advice on how I should be reacting to this situation and how I should go about solving it. I truly love this girl and I absolutely trust her
*Cough* Bullshit *Cough*

and I'm sure nothing is going on and she's just being herself, but I still can't help but worry. I am probably going to call her about this tomorrow, not to say "oh don't talk to these people anymore" but to basically keep our promise to be honest to each other and to tell her what I was doing and that I actually feel terrible about it. Anyone have any different advice?
Best bet, tell her how these jokes make you feel. If she truly loves you, she will understand and stop, if not, dump her ass, and quick.
 

StBishop

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Sep 22, 2009
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As others have said, it sounds like you don't trust her bro.

Did you actually sign in to her facebook or did you visit her page? People I know say "Go on person x's facebook." meaning that they went to their profile page.

I'd suggest that it's harmless (the joking that is) but if it upsets you then tell her.

I'd also recommend that long distance relationships are a bad idea.

That said, you might do something silly over nothing more than a passing comment on facebook and ruin a potentially life long partnership. But I will also say, as much as you love her, you're likely to meet someone else who you love as much, if not more, if things don't work out with her.
 

Julianking93

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May 16, 2009
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SeeIn2D said:
Basically I'm looking for advice on how I should be reacting to this situation and how I should go about solving it. I truly love this girl and I absolutely trust her and I'm sure nothing is going on and she's just being herself, but I still can't help but worry. I am probably going to call her about this tomorrow, not to say "oh don't talk to these people anymore" but to basically keep our promise to be honest to each other and to tell her what I was doing and that I actually feel terrible about it. Anyone have any different advice?

(Yes I am fully aware I am going to get the comments of "Oh well this forum isn't exactly the best place for relationship advice now is it?", so please just try to avoid those)

I really appreciate any help I get on this matter.
I'm not going to go on with possible solutions here or any sort of speculation so I'll keep this short, sweet and direct;

Talk to her

Communication is key in every relationship. It sounds cliche but it really can make a world of difference. Don't go snooping around her Facebook page, don't lie or cheat your way through something and stop saying that you trust this girl because obviously you don't and not without good reason.

I'm jealous as well by nature and get worried if I see some of the same things and even if I see something that's completely a joke and I know it, I'll still be worried that there's a little part of it that isn't "just kidding" and when that happens, there needs to be communication. Tell the person you're with that these kind of comments upset you or at the very least worry you.

Anyway, the main thing here is to tell her how you feel. If those types of comments on Facebook upset you, tell her to stop or at least reassure you that nothing's going on. However, if your suspicions remain, it might be time to confront her seriously about it and ask her what's up and go from there. If she tells you you're being silly but continues such conversations, then either you tell her to stop because it worries you and that you love her or you break up with her.

Hate to say it but it seems like it might be heading down that road if she's taking to people like that >.>
 

CCCPIronCurtain

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Jul 13, 2011
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Long distance relationships tend to breed trust and fidelity issues. I'm not saying that your relationship wont work, just that it might be too difficult to maintain. Regardless, good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
 

A Weakgeek

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Feb 3, 2011
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Stasisesque said:
SeeIn2D said:
So here is where I turn into a terrible boyfriend. After she signs off I go on her facebook page to just like make sure she wasn't talking to some guy she just met about like meeting in some secret places to have more than just friend's relationships. I am truly in love with this girl which may sound naive at 17 but our connection I feel is very deep, and I truly believe she feels the same as me. When she says she loves me I believe her.
SeeIn2D said:
Basically I'm looking for advice on how I should be reacting to this situation and how I should go about solving it. I truly love this girl and I absolutely trust her and I'm sure nothing is going on and she's just being herself, but I still can't help but worry. I am probably going to call her about this tomorrow, not to say "oh don't talk to these people anymore" but to basically keep our promise to be honest to each other and to tell her what I was doing and that I actually feel terrible about it. Anyone have any different advice?
You absolutely do not trust her.

My advice is - either learn to trust her or call the relationship off. Stop snooping.
SNooPingas usual I see.
OT: I agree with her, You pretty much admit that you dont trust her so thats your biggest problem here.
RAKtheUndead said:
As far as I see it, you made two critical mistakes.

1) You're engaging in a long-distance relationship.

2) You're engaging in a teenage relationship.

Either of these things on its own is prone to problems. Both of them together is a minefield. I don't think you're mature enough to deal with this issue. Break off the relationship and learn something from it.
Man, not to be rude but: Why are you always posting in these realationship threads? Because you are very negative towards them. I've also read posts where you say you are unattractive and can't get a partner because of that. Could it be because of this that you frown at all dating related threads?
 

Fugitive Panda

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Jan 21, 2011
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I was in a long distance relationship for a good 2-3 years, so I know a few things about how to keep it going, but the biggest thing has already been said.

Julianking93 said:
Talk to her
Seriously, as knowledgeable as we are, strangers on the internet aren't who you should be talking to about this. If you can truly have a deep relationship with this girl and can be truly open with her, you can discuss anything civilly. Tell her you're feeling jealous and insecure, and guilty that you find yourself being suspicious. For better or worse, this is the way to go.
 

Svenparty

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Jan 13, 2009
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This is why long distance relationsips break down and require heaps and heaps of trust to even vaguely work. If I were you I'd break up with her and meet girls that aren't inside the computer screen.
 

A Weakgeek

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Feb 3, 2011
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RAKtheUndead said:
A Weakgeek said:
Man, not to be rude but: Why are you always posting in these realationship threads? Because you are very negative towards them. I've also read posts where you say you are unattractive and can't get a partner because of that. Could it be because of this that you frown at all dating related threads?
Bingo! Get the man a prize. That is precisely why I frown on threads regarding (specifically heterosexual, as I am myself heterosexual but largely aromantic) romance, love or sex. I particularly frown upon them when they involve teenagers.
Well I'm sincerely happy that you are secure with the fact.
 

similar.squirrel

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Mar 28, 2009
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RAKtheUndead said:
A Weakgeek said:
Man, not to be rude but: Why are you always posting in these realationship threads? Because you are very negative towards them. I've also read posts where you say you are unattractive and can't get a partner because of that. Could it be because of this that you frown at all dating related threads?
Bingo! Get the man a prize. That is precisely why I frown on threads regarding (specifically heterosexual, as I am myself heterosexual but largely aromantic) romance, love or sex. I particularly frown upon them when they involve teenagers.
Sour grapes, laziness and narcissism. He's not that unattractive, but it's more convenient to give up and complain instead of making an effort.
I went through the exact same thing a few years ago. Difference is, he's older than I am.
 

floppylobster

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Oct 22, 2008
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I'm actually understanding that you were snooping. But if you do truly love her you would not be talking about her here on this forum, you'd be talking to her and you'd keep the fact you checked up on her private to save her the embarrassment of having other people see that you didn't trust her. It's like you trust us more than you trust her. That's a big problem. And that problem is yours.
 

Phasmal

Sailor Jupiter Woman
Jun 10, 2011
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You clearly dont trust your girlfriend if you are going through her conversations (and not to mention making threads about her to complete strangers instead of just talking to her).
You should just talk to her, but dont freak out. Joking with friends isn't over the top but if you feel unhappy about certain jokes she makes then be honest with her instead of creeping around behind her back.
 

Kpt._Rob

Travelling Mushishi
Apr 22, 2009
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I don't doubt that you feel a deep connection to this girl, but I will say this, most of us feel deep connections to the people we date. I've had serious relationships that lasted years, I felt deep connections in both of them, and you know what? They ended. Feeling deep connections to someone is part of being human, but that shouldn't be taken as meaning that your specific relationship is special. I hate to put it like that, but that's just how it is. Very few young relationships last, and this is particularly true of long distance relationships. Long distance is difficult for everyone, especially when you're young.

So you want to know my advice? It's advice I've given people on these forums before. And trust me, not only do I know how hard it is to follow, but I also know that chances are you won't listen to it in the first place. But I'll give it anyways.

Have some perspective.

Just because this relationship feels special to you, doesn't mean it is. Most relationships end, it's just a part of life we have to deal with, the fact that the world isn't perfect. And it sounds to me like you're picking up on signs which suggest to you that yours may be near an end. A long distance relationship is a nice way to find some sort of emotional support when you feel alienated from those around you, but when you start developing relationships with people who are immediately present, it become all too apparent how much more potent a relationship that is. I know you think you're in love, and I would even say that you probably are. But being in love doesn't mean it'll last. If I were you, I'd sit back and let what'll happen happen, and when it's all said and done, I'd start looking to invest in the world and the people who are right around you. Like I said, long distance relationships can be a nice crutch when you feel like it's hard to meet someone, but they rarely compare. Take the chance to give someone you can hold a shot.

Even that, may very well not work out. Again, it's part of life. Keep that in perspective, and keep trying. But don't try to put all your eggs into this basket. Trust me when I say this, that way lies madness.